1984 days when she disappeared

Xiao Du first discovered that he liked Cen Jin in the second year of junior high school.

She remembered very clearly that during the third class break in the morning, she went to the boiling water room to fetch water, holding the exercise book in one hand, and holding the water glass in the other. She came in from time to time, took her cup, filled it with water and twisted it, and then returned the cup to her hand, saying "be careful it's hot".

The boiling water room in junior high school is very small, and only one person can be accommodated at a time, and the rest of them line up outside the door.Cen Jin was not the first one behind her, but the only one who came in to help her. Maybe because she was tall, she could clearly see what was going on inside.

On the way back to work, she blushed all the way, feeling like she was going to drown her.

Cen Jin's grades are good, but he doesn't have a high sense of presence in the class, and he always looks idle and enjoying himself.

Xiao Du knew that he liked girls, but Cen Jin was the first one to identify someone so definitively.

From then on, she took advantage of the weekly art class to exchange Japanese comics and paintings with Cen Jin.At that time, Cen Jin had no pocket money, so he could only go to the bookstore to read comics. Xiao Du saved his lunch money and rented the latest comics to read with Cen Jin.

This trick worked quite well, the two of them were already called brothers in the second semester of the second year of junior high school—how did they become brothers? It wasn't brought by Cen Jin. Xiao Du suspected that she might not be of the same kind, but working hard might not be impossible without the possibility of breaking up.

Another incident that happened in the second day of junior high school changed Xiaodu's life—she saw her mother committing adultery at home, which can be said to have directly hit the whole process.

Xiao Du is small, and she will give up when she grows to 1.5 meters. This also has an advantage. She can pretend to go out to make up for lessons, but in fact, she sneaks into the shoe cabinet and waits for her parents to leave before coming out to play at home for a day.

She didn't want to make up lessons that day, so she hid in the shoe cabinet again.Not long after her father left, she was urging her mother to leave in her heart. A man came, and her mother yelled after a while. Xiao Du was frightened, rolled out of the shoe cabinet, and then listed all the details no more.

The body of a man, the body of a woman, and the cry of a person in that state have been her nightmares for many years.

Besides, that person is her mother.

Her mother bribed her in every possible way to keep her secret.In fact, even if she didn't buy it, she didn't dare to say it, or even think about it.

In the second semester of the third year of junior high school, her father was going to the south to do a big job, Xiao Du transferred to another school, and the "friendship" that had just started with Cen Jin ended.

Xiao Du's family was in the tobacco and alcohol business, and they made a lot of money in those years.When she arrived in the south, she was unfamiliar with the place and almost lost her money, so her father came back again.But her mother relied on a local man, stayed in the south, and soon had another child.This incident seemed shameful, and no one in the family knew about it. It wasn't until high school that her father had another new love, and everyone knew that her parents were divorced.

In this way, Xiao Du became an "outcast".

Many years later, Xiao Du understood that her father might not be able to do that, but for her who was ignorant of the teenager, the trauma came at this time.

She was in depression throughout high school, didn't want to study, didn't like to do anything, spent money playing games, buying comics, and killing time.

Only seeing Cen Jin would make her happy, but Lu Siting just showed up, and Cen Jin quickly forgot about her.

As soon as she saw Cen Jin mentioning Siting's expression, she knew that it wasn't that Cen Jin didn't like girls, it was just that she didn't like her.

This is normal, she doesn't even have the courage to fight, Cen Jin is a person who grew up in the sun, and her life is sinking, she just wants to hang around like this, anyway, no matter how hard she tries, she is still alone.

Chen Can is a short light in her life.This girl is tall and thin, and also studies art, just like Cen Jin's low profile version.

But Chen Can slowly discovered that Xiao Du was only lively on the surface, but depressed in private. He was not even interested in traveling together. He only liked to stay in the room and play games all night. The two soon separated.

After entering college, Xiao Du was entangled with Cen Jin again.It is not so much love as it is the desire to survive.

Seeing Cen Jin working hard, she felt hopeful, and seeing Cen Jin and Siting passionately in love, she also felt good.

Cen Jin is the best person in her life.Beside her, she felt that she was not too bad.

"Cen Jin, have you and Siting...did that happen?" She asked once.

Cen Jin smiled disdainfully, "Nonsense."

Xiao Du also smiled, knowing that he would never get over this hurdle in his life.

She didn't want to have "that" with anyone, not even Cen Jin.When she thinks of "that", she thinks of the scene in the first two, when she has to take medicine, a lot of medicine, otherwise she will scream and want to smash everything.

After Siting disappeared, Xiao Du did not go to snatch Cen Jin immediately, but tried to help Cen Jin find Siting.

But seeing Cen Jin become another her—depressed and chaotic, playing games all day, sleeping on sleeping pills, she began to hate Siting.

Making Cen Jin happy was once her biggest dream. Subconsciously, she felt that if Cen Jin got better, she would get better too. This would be the most fulfilling thing in her life.

Those few months were the days when Xiao Du and Cen Jin were the closest.She rented a house near Peking University, ate and played with Cen Jin, sang karaoke with a group of netizens, went to nightclubs... Even Cen Jin committed suicide did not make her discouraged, on the contrary, she believed that after going through the test of life and death, she would tie up with Cen Jin tighter.

Out of this hallucination, when Siting called Cen Jin, she answered it without hesitation, and also concealed it without hesitation.

She protected Cen Jin like she was protecting her own blood tank.

There is a saying that the opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality.

That's right, that kind of vitality is what she desires from Cen Jin.

Until Cen Jin finally couldn't stand her.

"Why do you only think about Siting?" That was the last time she asked Cen Jin this question.

This time Cen Jin answered very seriously, "Because I am with her, I like myself, life, and the world."

Xiao Du finally understood the reason why Cen Jin and her could not walk together.

She always absorbs light and heat from others, but her own life is still muddy—no plan, no effort, no interest in any major, and only asks the family for money, just as the family only gives her money.

So when Bao Li appeared, she almost couldn't wait to throw herself into that embrace.

They are the same people, equally bored and hopeless.

That's where she should go, she had a hunch.

***

In the third year after marriage, Cen Jin entered his doctoral career as he wished.

It was Cen Jin's unexpected luck that Peking University supported the construction of Shencheng Academy of Social Sciences and sent Diao Zhanhua to the station to support the Institute of History.On weekdays, she listens to lectures in Shencheng, undertakes some projects independently, and only goes to Beijing when there are important academic conferences.

But she went to Beijing this time for sports.

Peking University has newly established a women's fencing team, which plans to participate in the National University Games.Unexpectedly, a doping test was detected in one of the team members in the qualifying competition, which was a scandal, and the school temporarily decided to replace it.

There are not many girls who practice fencing. Coincidentally, Cen Jin is very interested in fencing after returning to school. From amateur play to regular training, his level is not inferior to that of ordinary players.The school asked her to play a game. If she is optimistic, she may be selected for the Universiade.

As soon as Cen Jin arrived in Beijing, she trained intensely. The training partner arranged for her was Luo Huan, a Ph.D. from the School of Sports Medicine and a psychology lecturer from Beijing Sports University.

Luo Huan has fencing since elementary school, has played in the Olympic Games, and embarked on the academic path after retiring.

After the last training session, Cen Jin was sweating profusely, Luo Huan said with a smile, "Having become a monk halfway, the level is pretty good!"

Cen Jin shook his head, "I'm old, I can't keep up physically."

"Ha, how old are you, are you married?" Luo Huan asked.

"Thirty years old, married for three years." Cen Jin said, with a faint smile in the corner of his eyes.

"Oh, your husband also engages in scientific research?" Luo Huan asked.

"My wife is in business." Cen Jin said.

Luo Huan was obviously surprised, but smiled politely.

"Are you free, have a meal together?" Luo Huan said.

Cen Jin nodded, "Go to Shaoyuan, I invite you."

Luo Huan was unknown in the sports department, and his voluntary sparring was completely out of his love for fencing, and Cen Jin wanted to thank him at all.

When the food was served, Cen Jin was still feeling sorry for the athletes who had been sent off before, "Why use doping in the qualifying round? I have been training for so long."

Luo Huan said, "I heard that she didn't take it for the competition, but she had a habit of taking it."

"Oh? You also use stimulants in training?" Cen Jin had never heard of such a situation.

Luo Huan shook his head, "It's not training, it may be emotional diseases, such as depression and PTSD."

Cen Jin thought for a while, "It is said that she also came to study in a university, and people who exercise regularly will also be depressed?"

Luo Huan smiled, "Of course, athletes' psychological problems should not be underestimated. That's what I study."

Oh yes, Luo Huan is a licensed psychological counselor. I heard that he has given pre-competition psychological counseling to many national athletes.

"I used to have a classmate who was a very good track and field athlete, but later because of psychological problems." Luo Huan spread his hands, as if it was hard to describe, "That year was quite a sensation."

"What's the matter?" Cen Jin asked casually.

"She and a friend overdosed on drugs and died in a car crash on the Fifth Ring Road," Luo Huan said.

Cen Jin's spoon stopped by his mouth.

"You didn't come to Beijing that year, did you?" Luo Huan remembered after finishing speaking, "Oh yes, your undergraduate degree is Peking University! Then you may know what happened seven or eight years ago."

"That classmate of yours is Bao Li?" Cen Jin asked.

Luo Huan shrugged his eyebrows, "Yes, you know him? Or have you heard of it?"

"I've heard of it, it's quite a sensation." Cen Jin said.

Luo Huan nodded, "It's Bao Li. In fact, she hates training. She has to take stimulant drugs to stimulate herself to train. Once addicted to these drugs, it is easy to take drugs."

Cen Jin's heart beat faster, and people and things that he had forgotten for many years came to mind again, including Xiao Du's sentence "time is running out".

"The friend she was in the car with was instigated by her, right?" Cen Jin asked.

"No, it's quite the opposite." Luo Huan said, "It was that friend who led her to take drugs. I still remember that girl's name, Du Qiruo."

His tone was so affirmative that Cen Jin almost dropped his chopsticks, so he quickly regained his composure.

Luo Huan looked at her anxious eyes, thought she was gossiping, so he smiled, "Our profession cannot reveal the privacy of patients, but it's been so many years, it's okay to talk about it, I originally planned to write it as a case."

He took a sip and said, "This girl surnamed Du has a history of PTSD and bipolar disorder, and she has been taking medicine for three years. She thinks that Bao Li is engaged in sports and has access to doping, so she bought medicine from her, and the two gradually developed. For lovers."

After Luo Huan finished speaking, he looked at Cen Jin again. Seeing that she was listening attentively, he continued, "Bao Li was found to be doping before a match, and she confessed her medication history. My tutor intervened in psychological counseling, and the effect was good. Introduce Xiao Du, but this Xiao Du..." Luo Huan seemed to be thinking about his words, "Whether you say she is smart or stubborn, she thinks that Bao Li's introduction of her as a consultant is not for her own good, but to solve problems. Her psychological problems, put her to bed."

The corners of Cen Jin's eyes twitched a few times, and he asked, "Is this really the case?"

Luo Huan smiled, "No matter what Bao Li's motivation is, Xiao Du's medication dose is terribly high. She can't get so many medicines from the hospital, so she wants to start with Bao Li. Bao Li said in a consultation that Xiao Du Let her take drugs together, saying that drugs and emotional drugs have similar ingredients, we have advised, but considering the patient's psychological state, we failed to report to the police in time, which did not expect to lead to tragedy."

"Then she..." Cen Jin said, "Little Du, she didn't say why during the consultation..."

"Family", Luo Huan said, "her trauma comes from her family. She didn't say it explicitly, but we speculated from a hypnosis with her permission that trauma happened in her family. The request creates rejection, even..." Luo Huan's face turned serious, "I even think she hates Baoli, that traffic accident..."

Cen Jin looked up at him, "You mean, did it on purpose?"

Luo Huan shrugged, "That's the police's business. The reason why this case impresses me is because it blurs the line between drugs, doping and drugs. You know, training requires athletes to be in high hormone levels for a long time , once the training is stopped, the psychological state of the person will be greatly affected due to the drop in hormones. If you pursue higher stimulation, you will almost inevitably go to drug use and drug abuse. Therefore, does our current training system emphasize scores and competition too much and ignore people? psychological attributes?"

Cen Jin quietly listened to his concluding statement in the professional field, trying to judge from his expression whether Xiao Du had revealed any secrets, whether she had mentioned her name.

But Luo Huan only smiled politely, "Isn't this topic too heavy? It seems that I'm old too, and I can't stop nagging."

"No," Cen Jin said, "What you said is very interesting. What kind of trauma did that girl surnamed Du go through?"

Luo Huan shook his head, "She is very smart, I believe that even if she goes to court, no one will be able to ask what she doesn't want to say. Because of this, she is also very pitiful."

Cen Jin was speechless.

Luo Huan had trained with her a few times, maybe he meant to chase her, but today he heard that she was married, so he gave up this idea, and talked about this topic again, after the meal, he obviously felt that the atmosphere was a bit dignified.

"Tomorrow is the competition, come on!" Luo Huan and Cen Jin shook hands, "Actually, being an amateur is quite a blessing."

Cen Jin smiled, "Thank you for your guidance, Luo."

She was walking on the campus in autumn, her thoughts were hard to calm down.

In fact, there is no real race in the world, and if there is, there is only one: a race against time-but it is doomed to futility.

What can be done is to reconcile with time.

Xiao Du, why don't you understand that a family cannot be chosen, but it can be created.

All relatives and lovers are strangers at first, some are lost, some are abandoned, but there are always some who will never leave, they are the reason for your life.