abandoned cat

"Do you still have nightmares because of these things now?" In the quiet consulting room, the doctor asked softly.

There are two pots of small yellow flowers on the windowsill. Lu Huaiting thinks they are cute but can't name them. He remembers to buy two pots and put them at home.

The doctor looked at him patiently. He blinked and smiled habitually: "No, because I couldn't sleep."

"The results of these two test forms show that your anxiety is stronger than your depression. Are there things in your life that you can't control that account for the majority?" The doctor pointed to the two self-test forms printed on the desktop, his tone slightly gentle.

Probably because he rarely came into contact with such people, Lu Huaiting felt that the doctor's temperament made him very comfortable, so he involuntarily let go of his tense back and leaned back a little.

"En." He nodded, wanting to say more, but didn't know where to start.

The doctor smiled at him, "If you have troubles, you can tell me, I can't know why you have such emotions if you hold it back."

Lu Huaiting lowered his eyes in silence, he was thinking about the pros and cons that telling him would bring him, he had never dealt with a psychiatrist, he was always used to the pain in the past, and he never thought of a way to get rid of it.

He was just afraid that Yu Chen would get bored, that his emotions would trouble that always rational person, and thus be abandoned.

The doctor saw too many silent patients, so he was not in a hurry. He just picked up the ballpoint pen in his pocket and wrote something on the blank page under the self-test form.

Lu Huaiting heard the rustling sound of writing in his ear, and suddenly said, "My father is a..." Probably mustering up a lot of courage, he choked up for half a second, and finished the next sentence, "Rape｜rapist."

"He raped a girl when I was three years old, and even did some... cruel things."

Lu Huaiting swallowed, and looked into the doctor's eyes, he was afraid to see the disgust that he shunned from inside.

But the doctor just looked at him calmly, and said softly, "What's next?"

Lu Huaiting felt relieved, "Everyone in the town knows about it. On the day he was taken away by the police, my mother held my hand and stood by the side of the road, listening to others pointing out, 'She is the rapist My wife, it’s really disgusting, I can’t control my own man, and I don’t have a good vision, why did I fall in love with such a man!’, ‘Her child doesn’t look good, will she be raped when she grows up? It's a crime." Lu Huaiting's Adam's apple rolled up and down, and he said the following words with some difficulty, "I hate these people."

There was a trace of tranquility in the doctor's gentle eyes, "There's nothing wrong with hating them, you don't need to have moral paradoxes because of this emotion, casually evaluating innocent people to cause innocent people's pain is a kind of atrocity, silent and profound. "

Lu Huaiting looked up at the doctor and said in a low voice, "They hate me and my mother because of that scum."

"I don't understand, my mother is a very good person, very gentle, she will buy me a lot of candy, beautiful drawing paper, and take me to the amusement park, but my mother will never take me there again, and will not buy me Pretty stuff."

"Because she stopped going out, for a long time I was the only one who went out to help my mother with errands."

"After we moved, my mother started to be the same as before. She went out to work and occasionally brought me some candies, but one day everyone suddenly started talking about that scum again... I was very scared." Pupil Lu Huaiting Tightening, for a moment he seemed to really feel the fear of the past.

The doctor asked, "What are you afraid of?"

Lu Huaiting pursed his lips: "I'm afraid of being thrown away by my mother."

"……why?"

"Because Mom hates me."

The little yellow flower under the sun became brighter and brighter, falling into Lu Huaiting's eyes.

"She's here for me, if she leaves me, no one knows who her husband was, but take me, everyone knows, I'm a 'son of a rapist', a future 'rapist' '." Speaking of this, Lu Huaiting twitched the corner of his mouth in a self-deprecating manner, "If it were me, I would hate it too."

"I once heard her crying in a half dream and half awake. She hated me and even told me plainly that she wanted to kill me because I was in so much pain."

The doctor hesitated for two seconds, then said softly: "...But she didn't, did she? She endured it for you."

Lu Huaiting said "Yes", "Yes, for me."

It is because of me.

A deep and strong sense of self-loathing surged up, Lu Huaiting blinked, "Now that I think about it, I would have a better life if she lost me. It was because I was too selfish when I was young, and deliberately pretended to be pitiful in front of her."

"Why pretend to be pitiful?"

"It's nothing. I was bullied all the time when I was studying, and I'm actually used to it. My mother has no time to take care of me. If I get injured, I can bandage myself. But that time, I was pushed down the stairs on the second floor. Although I got up But I kept throwing up after I got home, and my mother found out." Lu Huaiting thought about it for a while, "It's not very serious, it's just a slight concussion, but I chose to tell her that I was bullied."

The doctor quickly said: "That's right, it's not selfish, you have to know that you were just a child at that time."

"...She never mentioned any resentment towards me since then." Lu Huaiting touched his nose with his hand, and said in a low voice, "If she had left then, she would be much happier than now."

"This kind of thing is unknown, and the accuracy of it cannot be guaranteed. Maybe she will not be happier than she is now." The doctor said.

Lu Huaiting was silent for a while, "Later I met another person who saved me when I was being bullied."

The doctor calmed down and smiled slightly, "What kind of person is it?"

Lu Huaiting recalled the scene when he first met Yu Chen, with a slight smile on his lips, and his voice couldn't help becoming gentle, "It's like a real living person, very bright, as gentle as the spring wind, but when you get close, it's so beautiful It will feel like the sun in winter, very warm.”

"I like him so much."

"How can there be such a person, people want to hug tightly when they look at it, like a precious gem."

The doctor laughed and said, "From your tone, she must be a wonderful girl."

Lu Huaiting blinked, "It's a man, the person I like is a man."

The doctor only paused, but still said with a smile: "If you like, you can be any kind of person, and you don't have to bear too much burden."

Lu Huaiting nodded lightly, "Yes."

The doctor asked: "From what you said, you should be in a very good relationship. May I take the liberty to ask, what are your plans with him in the future?"

Lu Huaiting didn't make a sound for a long time, he couldn't even understand the meaning of this sentence for a while.

The doctor changed the way of asking, "Although sexual orientation is not a legal issue, it is a social issue in the eyes of the public. Your minority groups face more difficulties than ordinary sexual partners."

Lu Huaiting was silent for two seconds, "He is very generous and treats me very well, but his personality has always been very rational...not like me, I have a bad personality and clingy."

"What does reason mean?"

"Nothing in particular, he treats everything rationally. I have a gloomy personality and like to cling to him. I already know that he doesn't like me restricting him too much, so I am changing it." Lu Huaiting replied: "But it is always difficult. , I once saw a word in a book called "Excessive Love", which said that too much love is a burden for lovers. I thought about it for a long time, maybe my love is for him exactly."

The doctor was silent for a while, then suddenly said: "Are you really sure that he loves you? Did he respond to your feelings and give some clear and clear emotions?"

"..." Lu Huaiting suddenly raised his eyes, the emotions in his eyes were like waves on the water, probably because he was stumped by the doctor's question, he couldn't help turning his head to escape.

The doctor doesn't care whether this question is answered, he only needs to have a general understanding of the patient's cause.

But he watched Lu Huaiting's fingers resting on his knees keep trembling, subconsciously clenched, he sighed softly, "It's okay, Mr. Lu."

"It's not wrong to love others, and it doesn't matter how much you love. People who really love you will not feel pain because you love too much so that you can't breathe. Only people who don't love you will hate your love."

The doctor wrote the doctor's order in the medical record and handed it to him, and patted him on the shoulder gently, "Try to learn to love yourself, what I feel from your words is that you have been loving others, but human beings must love themselves first, Only then can we know what love is, and we can feel the love of others.”

Lu Huaiting was dumbfounded.

The doctor prescribed some sleeping pills for him, "Sleep quality has a lot to do with mood. Your anxiety symptoms are more serious. You'd better communicate with your family and lover. From a preliminary point of view, I still don't recommend you to use medicines for depression and anxiety, so I only prescribed some hypnotic drugs to help you sleep, and you will not have any problems if you take them as directed by the doctor... As for the drugs for anxiety, I hope you can communicate with your family. Active and effective guidance and communication can relieve some anxiety Symptoms, if you take medicine, the side effects are still quite big.”

Lu Huaiting took the things he handed over, looked down, and asked again: "Doctor, my lover doesn't seem to like me very much recently, I can feel it, but he said no, should I relax? Some, give him more freedom, or follow his will."

The doctor thought for a while and said, "Why do you follow his heart? Aren't you his lover?"

"..." But he doesn't like me that much.

Lu Huaiting couldn't speak, his face was pale.

The doctor sighed, "Change the way you get along, he won't take it seriously if you back down too much."

"……Um."

"Mr. Lu, love is not the only thing after all, you still have to learn to love yourself."

"Ah."

"That's the end of today's time. You go to get the medicine first. If you have any special circumstances, you can contact me according to the contact information on the self-test form. Try to avoid some negative emotions dominating your thinking. If you really can't control it, you can obey it." Emotions." The doctor stood up, still looking gentle and gentle.

Lu Huaiting nodded, stood up and thanked the doctor politely.

The doctor looked at him and shook hands with him, "Mr. Lu is a great person, it's not good to underestimate yourself too much. From now on, we must live a good life and love ourselves more than others, so that we will feel happy."

Lu Huaiting nodded vigorously, bid farewell to the doctor, and went downstairs to get medicine from the western pharmacy.

When he left the hospital gate, he felt that even the air was much fresher. He muted his mobile phone all morning, and when he took it out, he saw a message from Yu Chen.

[Ask Lin Xian that you asked for leave to go to the hospital, what's the matter?Want me to go there? ]

[I just passed by the pet store, I think the snacks I bought for Huahua last time are almost eaten, I bought some more, and I will show you when I get home at night. ]

Lu Huaiting stood at the door of the hospital and replied to him.

There was a flower shop across the road, and Lu Huaiting walked in.

"This flower looks like a little daisy, right? The name is quite nice, it's called Margaret!" The florist introduced him.

Lu Huaiting found out the name of the yellow flower and bought two pots of the same flower.

The boss put him in a bag and said with a smile: "This flower language is not bad."

Lu Huaiting asked curiously, "What is it?"

The boss handed him the flowers, "I am looking forward to love."

Lu Huaiting couldn't help smiling.

Looking forward to love.

Then he bought two copies and went home, hoping to double his expectations.