Youth Notes

It's only August and I feel like autumn is here.It's like this every time, and I always know when it's coming.I know it every morning when autumn comes, when I open my eyes, sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night and I know it: autumn is here, it's licking my skin, my eyes, it's starting to make me sick again My heart fluttered.

The scent of flowers is blown by the smoky wind of July,

The land of the motherland is shining with the sun.

Take a big step toward life,

All roads are open for us.

Goodbye, dear alma mater,

Goodbye, dear teacher.

bye bye bye bye

We will go to the place where the motherland needs it most,

Let youth shine.

The "Graduation Song", which I have sung since I was a child, can't help but come out at this time, because I always sang the first line as: The autumn wind in July blows the fragrance of flowers.It is the fragrance of flowers brought by the autumn wind, so I am waiting for autumn when it comes to July.Autumn is the most intimate. When it comes, I feel sad for no reason, and I can't help but want to cry.I want to hug it or be hugged and cry by it, as if I am waiting for it every year, waiting for it to come and cry while holding it.There is no reason, as if it was born like this.

This autumn when I was 15 and a half years old, I was sad again for no reason, no, it was silence, confusion and confusion.Sadness is clear, it hurts, and it is tearful.Silence is not the same as chaos and confusion. They are unclear, invisible, intangible, ignorant but tightly holding you back.I was surrounded by autumn, I was wandering in autumn, I didn't know what to do.

I am in high school, and I have been entangled in the breath of autumn since I was in high school.

We've all been learning to sing this song since we were in high school, and it's being sung every day.

I wanted to sing but I didn't dare to sing, I hummed softly and had to look around.I'm in my third year of high school, and still have time to sing?Mom would have heard that.The third year of high school is silent all day long. Is this what it looks like to go to college?My depressed mood is so sad, how can I pass the university entrance examination with this?Life needs colorful sunshine, and young people love to sing.Mother, mother, do you know how itchy the throat is when the curtain is installed.

I want to sing but I can't sing, and I haven't finished so many review questions.Work hard, prepare for the key points.The teacher will definitely say that after listening.Conquer books all the time, like a nerd if this continues.How boring this kind of boring life is, how can you pass the university entrance exam?Life needs colorful sunshine, and young people should sing loudly.Teacher, teacher, you have to think about whether you were like this in the past.

……

We are not in the third year of high school, we are only in the first year of high school, and we have just entered the first year of high school.We sing this song every day, because we don't sing it anymore.It's not that I don't sing, it's because there is no music class and no time to sing.It's not that there is no time, you can sing after class, but there is no place.It's not that there is no place, it's just that you can't sing in and around the classroom, where it might affect others.You can sing in the mountains after school, or in dormitories or at home.We still know how to sing, and we still sing often, but we moved from the central to the local areas, and our singing only resounds among the people.

It is very easy to go wrong in the center.Something went wrong with those guys on the school dance team.

In the first semester of the first year of high school, in order to welcome the National Day Art Performance, a dance was launched in the class, and a few boys and girls were selected, all of whom were active people who couldn't help but jump up and down.They danced "High Mountain Green": the girls in Alishan are as beautiful as water, and the young people in Alishan are as strong as mountains.They were very devoted, and all of them were as beautiful as water and as strong as mountains in various poses. The music, dancing postures, pupils, and smiles stirred up waves in the hearts of those who wanted to sing but dared not.Like the disco commented on a year ago, everyone is talking about this love dance again.I didn't comment, but I watched, my heart moved, and I remembered the music, dancing postures, pupils, and smiles.That is youth.I made it clear that it was youth.

Those beating hearts caught the attention of the teachers, especially the prefects.These people who will take the college entrance examination three years later are the most promising group of people with the best entrance scores for many years. Youth must not be ignorant, and their flames must be suppressed.Especially those boys and girls who have ambiguous eyes, those eyes that are easy to be dazed and obsessed, and those eyes that are easily excited.Danger!

Not even a silent gaze is safe.I am an example.

There is a "boy from Alishan" who is "as strong as a mountain", he is the boy who once told me that he likes me, and later said that he loves you and gave me countless ambiguous looks.He has shining pupils, and he has gathered the eyes of many obsessed and excited girls.There have been many "gossips" about him, because there are many girls who like him.It is said that he got married with a "girl from Alishan", so he is noncommittal.He still writes to me.He still cast my ambiguous gaze.He had his "brother" send me a message and it didn't stop.He's going on a "date" with me outside.Finally he said I love you.He's unlucky because I can't date anyone, not even if I like it.I am indifferent to anyone who says I love you, not only rejecting but also criticizing.I am a person who cannot fall in love early.

The teacher and the prefect paid attention to him, from the very beginning.They won't pay attention to me, I'm too quiet, too innocent, too obedient, and I can't be put together with him at all.Later they noticed, especially the prefect who also served as our Chinese teacher.He pulled me from the dark to the bright, and as a result, many people noticed me and knew that he liked me.That's how the prefect found out that his favorite student had fallen.He publicly criticized her without naming her by name. It was half a year later in the spring. At that time, he criticized at the grade-teacher-student meeting. When it was twelve, puppy love appeared in our grade!I was ruined, so heart-wrenching, so self-respecting, I should have stopped.He thought so.This is half a year later.

The story about this boy is not over yet.

Because of this conference, Zhong Wen talked to me for a long time.Say I can't be depraved, how can such a good girl like me be harmed by such a superficial boy.He is a playful person, and it is said that he also likes many people at the same time, especially the "girl from Alishan" who is his partner.Don't trust him, it's not worth paying your heart.You shouldn't be in love now.It was one night, Zhong Wen always chatted with me at night, only at night, the big playground in the dark night after evening self-study is a square for chatting, with moonlight, starlight, evening wind, and a large piece of land gently shaking Tall grass and the occasional firefly.I didn't make a sound, just heard Zhong Wen say, for me, this is already a thing of the past, and the "thing" between me and him has long passed.She talked all night, earnestly and earnestly, this sincere friend, the friend who always appears at critical moments, the first friend I think of every time I feel uncomfortable or encounter trouble.I was suspicious of the one who loved me, my friend.

I did something that night that could be described as a reckoning.After I got home, I took out all the letters he gave me, more than a dozen of them, all of which were written in blue and black ink.I unfolded them and lit them on a brazier by the table.One by one, one by one, they were slowly engulfed by the fire.I didn't cry, I just stared blankly at the words on those papers, watching them turn into ashes and smoke.A little sad, but not sad.Later I still cried, not because of these letters, not because of him, I don’t know why.I don't know if it's for youth.Or just to find a reason to cry, because now I always want to cry, always cry.Now I got another reason to cry, so I did.

These letters moved me, and I wanted to write to him very much, and I wrote it too, and I scolded him... I often look back at his eyes, the eyes that made my heart beat.I've been feeling powerless and unsure what to do with this thing that's been happening for over a year.Neither want nor want to let go.I am happy to have it, I like it, I am uneasy, I am afraid.Thinking deeper, let’s develop further, no, it can’t be like that, that would be too scary, I still can’t accept in-depth contact with boys, even holding hands, let alone longing.No craving, not at all.

I was so lucid, so lucid.We are different people, we are not the same kind of people.Although I thought I knew him and trusted him, we hardly ever talked to each other.I don't want to fall in love, I don't want boys, I don't want this impure thing that makes me uneasy and afraid.They made me uncomfortable and flustered.Since then, I have cut off any communication with boys, even the most basic ones. I seem to have forgotten that there are still men in this world.I was calm and rational, bordering on callous.

I can't always end things, I'm so indecisive, I'm always waiting for someone else to decide, to do it for me, to end it for me.I have always been a person outside of my story. I quietly observe myself and my own story. I can't bring it up and let it go, or I can't put it down after mentioning it.I'm used to having someone else fix it, fix me.Life or death, I let it be.I have been walking on Lao Tzu's path without doing anything.I seem to have been manipulated by others since I was born. I hate such manipulation, and I am used to being manipulated.I am a born slave.A man who can feel humiliated but is willing to be a slave.

That day, with Zhong Wen's assistance, I ended one thing completely.

What Zhong Wen said was right, and what the teacher said was also right, although I objected in my heart.

He is a superficial and impulsive person, impulsive, and can't keep his feet on the ground.When he was a sophomore in high school, he was expelled from school because he helped a friend fight. He couldn't stand others bullying his brother, and couldn't bear the bullying. He beat the son of a leader in the county, and the blow was not light.

He left, returned to his hometown, and returned to his hometown on the farm.It is said that he farmed with his parents for half a year, and then ran away from home.It is said that he was wandering around in other places, and then there was no news, and later his relatives also disappeared with him.Many years later, people learned that he was the boss of a company, and he took his parents and relatives by his side.

About this boy, this brave and rebellious boy, his story is over.

We don't have music classes anymore, we don't sing in the classroom anymore, we sing in the mountains, in the dormitory, and then I just sing at home.I locked myself in that small house of only a few square meters.

Lock yourself up, it still has something to do with this boy.When I first entered high school, I still wanted to live on campus. I lived there for a while when I was in the first and second grades of junior high school. Everyone was very happy, purely happy.I lived there for a week.I found that I was no longer suitable for living in school, and no longer suitable for being with my classmates.I was so confused, so melancholy, so thoughtful, and I didn't want to talk all day long, and I wanted to cry all day long.The students who live in the school are so happy, talk so much, and make jokes so presumptuously.They talked about everything, very loudly, elegant and vulgar, meat and vegetables, food and drink, boys with hair and clothes, without any scruples.They joked, made fun of that boy, they liked him, but they liked to make fun of others and him, and when they saw me, they made fun of it even more, probably with jealousy and innuendo.I recognize those tones and mannerisms, those words.

boring.Totally boring.I am not happy.I do not want to talk.I do not care.I don't want those words that don't know why.

I shut myself up.

——far—from—no—talk——

I want to live close to the sky.

The place close to the sky is my small room, the highest floor of our house, the third floor, a room of several square meters.There is only such a room on that floor, and there is a big balcony when you walk out.It is paved with large square red bricks. The red bricks are not actually red. They are bricks with the color of yellow mud, so they are named only to distinguish them from the blue bricks.

My ivory tower, my castle in the air, my paradise.I have exclusive use of the heaven and the earth, and I have exclusive access to this infinitely broad and pure heaven and earth.

In the distant mountains, there are white walls and gray tiles scattered among the big banyan trees, dense gray residential houses built with stone and rice, and two tall Phoenix trees.Sky, sky, sky.Sunset, sunset, sunset.moonlight.starlight.flow cloud.wind.Me on the red brick balcony.singing.picture.poetry.journal.laugh.tears.This is the life I want to start.