Youth Notes

Imagination, imagination has been with me, it has followed me all my life, as if it were me.It made me a rich man, a king, a god.

In my country, there are full of kind and friendly children. They shook hands with me, hugged me, greeted me, and laughed.There was never an argument, absolutely no fight, neither of them knew what a weird thing a fight was.They don't understand right and wrong and ridicule, they have always cared for and helped the weak, those children, speaking civilized words, wearing neat clothes, often holding hands and dancing together, and singing.

In my country, children always live with their parents.Those dads are gentle, educated, and don't swear all day long.They eat while sitting on stools, not squatting on tall benches.Those mothers are gentle and kind, they will never get angry easily, and when they get angry, they will gnash their teeth and scold their children. They know how to hug and kiss their children.They don't scold kids, they don't hit kids, they don't shout at kids, they don't order kids, they don't rule like kings and queens over kids who are always shivering.Those children dare to say anything, they are very courageous, never timid, never trembling, even if they are alone in a dark place, they will not tremble with fear, they don't have to look for their parents everywhere, they know that their parents have always been right next to you.They are very courageous and dare to ask anything. Adults will not scold or laugh at anything they ask. Adults will not take a child as a joke and make fun in public. They will not laugh at those children who blush. It won't make them laugh so much that they want to go into a hole in the ground and still laugh.

In that country, there will be breakfast, three meals a day instead of two.I don't eat sweet potatoes, taro and vegetables all day long. There is meat there, and I don't eat it only once a week, but I have to eat it every day.It's not like eating fatty pork and those spiny fish every day, but you can also eat chicken and geese. Not all the chickens and geese we raise are sold for salt and matches.The leeches in those small rivers are gone, and there will no longer be handfuls of leeches to suck our blood, get into the long hair of some women and girls, and grow nests of leech families in their ears and breasts Come on, no more women and girls will die because of this.In those small rivers and ditches, there are many small fish and shrimps swimming. No one comes to kill them all at once and eat them at home. They can grow up slowly and take turns, so it’s not a matter of a month or two. If you catch a few shrimps, you should be able to catch them in a week or two.Everyone can catch it, everyone can eat it, no need to steal, no need to rob, children won't fight because of this.Yes, they don't know what fighting is.

In that country, I also have white shoes to wear, intact sandals to wear, and skirts to wear. I can also grow my hair. Girls can wear long hair and braid it. An angry lunatic.The hair of women and girls will not always have lice, it is clean and fresh, the world is clean and fresh, and it will no longer be messy and dirty.We occasionally have a little money in our pockets, and we can buy some when we see something we particularly like.For example, big meat buns with stuffing cost [-] cents each, and you should be able to buy one for a month, not just one for your birthday every year.For example, colored erasers cost five cents each, and you can buy one in a semester.

Yes, there will be some money in the pocket.

If so, I wouldn't be a thief, I was a thief once.But doing it once is the same as doing it dozens of times or hundreds of times. They are all called thieves and they are all stealing.I've become a thief. I dream of having a little money in my pocket, even a cent or two.I stole his money, my dad's friend's son.He was as old as me, and he yelled loudly to his parents: I found a dime!Out in the rubble at the construction site, I found a dime!While shouting, he raised the dime in his hand. The paper was old and old, but it was shining in the sunlight coming in from the window, and it was shining on all sides.I just stared at his face, staring at the dime, I forgot whether I had swallowed, there is absolutely no doubt that I stared at him without blinking.That night, at my dad's friend's house, I stole his money, the dime.I'm like the villains in the movies, those villains who secretly kill people in the middle of the night, secretly inject poison into sleeping patients, those secret agents who conspire in the middle of the night.I held my breath and stole the dime lightly.I can't help it, I really can't help it, the teacher's words, my father's teachings and the glorious image of the hero have no effect at all. I was firmly grasped by that **** idea, which restrained my thoughts, Been pinning for a whole day.In particular, it was picked up, or picked up in the chaotic rocks, it was obtained by accident, it is not his, it should be mine, but it was seen by him instead of me, and it was seen by him. He brought it back instead of me.Now I just "pick up" it and "carry" it into my pocket... But I still call it stealing. I have remembered this stealing behavior for decades, and it will accompany me for the rest of my life. It tells me that I Used to be a thief too.What a shame to be a thief.

My sister is also a thief. She steals erasers, pencils, and headbands from her classmates. She also lies.Both father and mother beat her for this, and beat her many times, scolding and beating at the same time, until the stick was whistling and the younger sister's flesh was crackling.But my sister still stole it, and then my father said, I will sell you!not you!Don't be a thief's daughter!Sell ​​you!

My sister is also a thief. My sister steals the peanuts and soybeans at home to eat. She also happily fry them until they are fragrant. She fills her pockets warmly and runs outside to play and eat them, making a clucking sound from her mouth. , the tone is fragrant.The older sister was also beaten, and was beaten by her mother with a bamboo rake. My older sister squatted on the ground like a frog while jumping and shouting: I don’t dare anymore!Never dare again!

I watched them being beaten silently from the side, I am also a thief, I am a thief in hiding, no one found me, but my younger sister and older sister were found, I will not steal anymore, but my younger sister and older sister are still stealing .

My country, my country does not have the word steal.There, my sister will not be poorer than me, my sister can at least wear broken sandals instead of going to school barefoot, and my sister can occasionally take a car to visit relatives instead of being left behind every time "Housekeeping" at home with grandma.My younger sister will no longer let her parents beat and scold her with innocent and stubborn eyes.

Yes, mother's pocket is also a little money.Because I have some money, my mother will not be busy in the fields all day long, don’t have to plant rice seedlings, grow vegetables, raise pigs, sell chickens and sell geese, go to repair reservoirs and harvest grasses, and have no time to sleep, and don’t have to change because of these If we become violent, we won't hit us with sticks, shoulder poles, and hoes casually, and won't reward us with a "five-finger water chestnut" on our heads as soon as our face changes. Now, our scalp won’t immediately have a big bruise that won’t go away for a week, and we won’t suddenly twist our legs and arms, and won’t rub our arms on our legs again. There's a big bruise left on it.With a little money in the mother's pocket, she may hug us, and she may even kiss us. Mother kissing her child is no longer just a thing in a story in a movie.

In my kingdom, all things are alive and emotional, spiritual and beautiful, and they will not be damaged, broken, chopped off, killed or burned for no reason.They will not be sold easily, called as beasts, scolded and driven away, beaten for fun, and turned into cursing mantras and swear words.In my country, they all talk, think, cry, and laugh. They have souls just like me. We are family members, relatives who love each other.

In my country, there is always a lot of love, a lot of love, I love, love very, very beautifully, and I am loved, really loved.

I imagine, my country is so beautiful, I have no reason not to imagine, no reason not to indulge in imagination.It's just that my imagination has changed.What we longed for before was gentle wind and light rain, but now we want violent wind and rain. Before, we longed for sunshine and rain, longing for sunshine and growth, but now we want war and killing, bursting and death.

That spring, Wen Ziqing and I went to the street together. I bought a pair of boy’s sandals. I said, wearing boy’s shoes is very comfortable. Unfortunately, my brother’s pair is missing a piece. I want to buy my own pair of boy’s shoes. .The shoe seller looked at me in astonishment, while Wen Ziqing stood aside and smiled while covering her mouth.Later, all the students in the grade saw it and laughed.I just wore my comfy boy sandals and my daddy pants and top, and I was so happy when I rushed into the rainy curtains of that rainy spring and summer, when the lightning, thunder, and storm were storming, and I was happy, Very happy, when I stood at the door of the house dripping with water all over my body, I was so happy to die.I didn't catch a cold, and I didn't even get sick, so I wanted to get drenched even more, so that I would get sick, get a serious illness, and die soon.

I was soaked in the rain, and I stood by the window and the balcony for a long time watching the rain, watching the rain run wildly and horizontally, rushing into all ditches, caves and crevices like a hungry beast, and I recited Tagore's "The Tempest" aloud :

The storm roared to pick quarrels and troubles, and the black clouds climbed over the colorful wall of the setting sun and rushed outside in an instant.

It was as if the elephant stable in the sky was on fire, and Indra's mount, a black-born young elephant, swung its trunk and neighed and galloped.

The red light reflected by the black cloud is like the blood gushing from its wound.

Lightning jumps among the clouds, swinging a huge, gleaming axe; thunder erupts from the horizon.

Heavy breathing came from the mango orchard in the northwest.What followed was darkness and choking dust, with dead branches and leaves flying all over the sky.Hard grains of sand hurt my face.

The sky is like a demon.

……

When I was 17, I was always longing for storms and lightning and thunder, longing to be torn apart and destroyed.I experience the great joy of tearing and destroying.

After the rain there is a rainbow, after the rain the air smells of earth, after the rain everything is new, everything breathes again.Wen Ziqing used to like Guo Moruo's poems very much, and so did I. We like him yelling like a madman.His poems are like storms, and the world after the rain is like "Phoenix Rebirth Song" in his "Phoenix Nirvana":

We are born again.

We are born again.

All one, reborn.

Everything in one is reborn.

We are him and they are me.

I also have you, and you also have me.

I am you,

You are me.

Fire is the phoenix.

Phoenix is ​​fire.

Soar! Soar!

Sing! Sing!

We are fresh, we are clean,

We are beautiful, we are fragrant,

All one, fragrance.

All in one, fragrance.

Fragrance is you, fragrance is me.

Fragrance is him, and fragrance is fire.

Fire is you.

Fire is me.

Fire is him.

Fire is fire.

Soar! Soar!

Sing! Sing!

……

My heart is soaring and singing, because there is a heavy rain, because the rain is over and the sky is sunny.Sing for madness.

I need to go crazy.

One day when I was 17, I learned to explore myself and my body.

I explored, felt, and experienced the fleeting happiness.It was new, but not at all unusual, as if I knew it, as if I was familiar with it, as if I was used to it.It makes me happy, but far from crushing and destroying me, I long to be crushed and destroyed by it.It turns out that it is nothing more than that, people can commit crimes for it, and lose things for it, it is nothing more than that.

Years later, not long in fact, I knew it wasn't, it wasn't that simple.People are worth sinning for when it's a passion and not just exploring, it's worth dying for when it's expressed as love, I've always wanted to die for it, I'm worried One day he died in its arms.Let it destroy itself.Let yourself die happy.It totally has that power.