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Dear Pei Fei.

She looked at me silently, those familiar eyes were obviously swollen, with unconcealable sadness, where I saw emptiness, bewilderment, helplessness, and pain.Pei Fei, you can't do this, I shouted in my heart, but I couldn't say it.She didn't say anything, just took my hand silently and stood with me and looked out the window, but I didn't see anything, I felt life stopped.

"Go home." She finally spoke, and her two still beautiful eyes stared at me silently, "I won't come in the future, you should be happy." After she finished speaking, she walked out of my office slowly with her head down.Your back is still so beautiful, so full of unknowable and mysterious charm, Pei Fei, why are you so attractive to me!I really want to rush to hug her, hug her tightly, and yell at her: "Don't go! You can't go! I can't live without you!" But I can't move, I can't speak, I can only stay here In front of the window, tears poured down.

From then on, there will be no more you outside my window, and I don't know who the magnolia flower will bloom for every year.I can only stare at the green magnolia leaves every day, and my eyes wander in the years of nothingness.

"You can't bring the baby," said the man who would become my father. "You're going to have my baby."

"I can't leave my child behind." The mother's voice was low.

"How about this, how about taking the younger one there, and how about giving away the two older ones?" The old woman named Wang Matchmaker in the neighboring village looked at the man and said.

The man was silent.

"I can't leave my baby behind," the mother repeated, shaking her head slightly.

"I said, Aunt Mu, don't screw it up. Now you are an adult and three daughters are starving. If this continues... Oh, people have to find a way to survive!" Wang Matchmaker said, holding her mother's hand.

"I can't starve my child to death and live myself." The mother's tears fell down one after another.

"How about this, you bring the younger one here, and I'll find out which family can raise children, and I'll send you two older ones there. You should be at ease if you recognize his family." The man's tone softened.

Mother was silent, just shedding tears.

"Okay, Old Chen, you go back first, and I'll take care of this matter." Matchmaker Wang waved her hand to the man and said.

"Aunt Mu, you just agree. Your man has been dead for two years. Look, you are so tired that you have no flesh! Old Chen is a bit older, but his body is still very strong. His mother just died. The family has no more burdens, so you can make do with him!"

Mother remained silent.

"I know you're still thinking about Uncle Mu. He's a nice guy, and he came from a big cultured and wealthy family, but God doesn't see you well. His home was raided, his house was confiscated, and all his relatives and friends were scattered. , I can only marry into your family, do such hard farm work, and be looked down upon by others, and finally die of exhaustion... Oh, miserable! Aunt Mu, there is no way to do it, besides, you and the children are not doing well, He is not at peace in the underground, didn't Lao Chen also promise to help you find someone to send the child there? Well, don't be sad, huh? You think about it, I'll come back tomorrow..."

……

I was by the wooden window in our attic, crouching my head and looking down at the three people in the dark room. The light from the patio illuminated the water on the ground beside the well, reflecting the floating points on my mother's face.Reflected by the tears, the white light on my mother's face shivered into the gray and black wooden window next to my face, so bright, so white, and so cold.

I was six years old that year.

"Wife! Wife!" The boy who was two years older than me was hanging out of my classroom window again, looking at me with smiling eyes.

"Hey, your husband is here again!" The repeater immediately booed.

I am a "celebrity" in our elementary school, and I can't figure out why I am so "famous". Apart from my good academic performance and being often praised by teachers, I am taciturn, quiet, and lonely.But I have attracted a lot of rumors and punches. In the words of those repeat students, I have many "husbands", I "like" many people, and I "think about" a certain boy all day long.So there was the boy who came to our window every day and called me "wife".However, I really don't know which day he fell from the sky.

He is refined and fair, unlike those rough and untidy country boys.But this "husband" of mine would also call out my nickname "Bigfoot Phoenix—" and when boys bullied me, he would bully me too.I always wonder, why does he bully "his wife" with others?

After all, my "husband" can only come when get out of class is over, and he can't come every class. I can't enjoy playing with him. Repeaters want to have fun all the time. They are eager to watch us cry and cry. make trouble, and make fun of us.

I think, what they expect most from me is: like other girls, my eyes are swollen from crying, my face and neck are red and red from crying, and I want to twitch; The other girls scolded them angrily while sniffling, and they could respond with many, many curse words, as if their stomachs were full of such words, and they couldn't wait to release them at any time, so as not to feel bloated and uncomfortable.

"Your score must have been peeked, I have seen it!"

"That certificate was given by the teacher eccentrically, what a rotten certificate!"

"Never seen your parents come to school? Are you 'wild'?"

"Her father died long ago. Her mother brought her here to remarry. She married that poor Chen who couldn't get a wife."

"So shameless! No wonder you act like a dumb person all day long!"

"I heard that you also have a sister, why haven't I seen it? Married? You know how to go 'hook' at such a young age! They're all sluts!"

"You bastard! How dare you move my table? I'll kill you!"

"Hey, Sasquatch, **** wants to 'play' with you!"

"What song are you singing? You're still so excited! Are you flirting?"

"Go! Go tell the teacher! You will die worse!"

"Hmph, do you know you're dead now? How dare you tell the teacher!"

"Hey, why don't you talk? Are you thinking about your husband again?"

"So what if I beat you! Who told you to be so miserable, without a brother to help! How about you go recognize one? Recognize a love brother? Hahaha..."

……

These are the words that enter my ears every day.

I don't know how to curse or fight, but I definitely don't want to cry in front of them like other girls.I didn't make a sound, and faced their foul words and fists without saying a word.

Maybe it was because of my "prefer death than surrender" that I couldn't fulfill their wishes, the more they got angry, the more they wanted to find ways to punish me.

When the team was leaving school, they would pick up stones and tiles on the ground and throw them at me. I put on my big hat made of bamboo strips. hail……

I hold back my tears and let them gurgle again in the dark when I climb into my bed.

Only the window in my dark little house has seen my tears, the eyes of the night.Black is the scariest and the safest.

That was my life from nine to 11 years old.

I hid behind the curtain, bit my lip and looked at the empty balcony opposite and her bachelor dormitory next to it.When she came out, she still had such graceful movements, such a calm demeanor, and so confidently raised the corners of her mouth.She glanced casually at me and continued to hang her freshly washed clothes.My tears kept flowing, and kept flowing, because she couldn't see me, so I was crying desperately behind the curtain, watching her every movement, every look of raising her eyes and lowering her eyebrows.

In the summer when I was 13, I met a female kindergarten teacher.

When I was 12 years old, my burly stepfather fell into a deep ditch and never came back.Half a year later, a distant cousin of my biological father miraculously came back from Canada to find his roots. He helped us buy a house in the county town and found a job for my mother as a salesperson in a store.My stepfather left me with twin brothers and my two older sisters who were sent away never to return.During the summer vacation when I was 13 years old, my cousin took me to live in his hometown in another small city.

"I like you so much! You are pure and elegant, studious and thoughtful, and have great views on ideals and life!" Within a few days of meeting the female kindergarten teacher, she was very grateful.

"You are the purest girl I have ever seen." Her natural curly black hair gently swayed gently, exuding a faint fragrance, "I am really glad to meet you this summer vacation. Just be my sister !” She shook my hand sincerely and enthusiastically.

I became a good friend of the female teacher who lived across from my window. She talked with me about the books we love to read, about ideals and future, about life, about dealing with people, about love, and even asked me about my attitude towards relationships. and views.I used my 13-year-old thoughts to communicate with her, and with the shyness of being appreciated, I quietly looked at her intelligent and warm eyes that were different from all the people I had come into contact with in the past.

"You little sister who is as white as paper, why do you have such clear and innocent eyes." She would often stop and sigh when we were talking.

On a full moon night, she invited me to stay in her dormitory.Her room was fragrant and intoxicating, like the smell of her body.The wooden table next to her bed is very simple, but the light of the lit desk lamp is very warm.I sat by her bed next to the table, watched her walk up and down tidying up the room, and listened intently to everything she had to say to me.

she and me