Difficult to return

Song Shuhua had several skirts layered on her body.He huddled in the corner of the glass wardrobe in the old house, hugged his legs with his hands, and buried his face in his knees.

The heating in the old house has been turned off, and the temperature in spring is far from the level of wearing a skirt. Goosebumps formed on his bare arms.But he couldn't feel the ten-degree temperature at all. He leaned against the cold glass cabinet and hid behind the long skirt, as if he was protected by these skirts.

Last night's husband's rude attack made him terrified, not even the sex itself, but the hands that pulled his clothes.

It reminded him of his father's hands, stripping him of his clothes, stripping him of everything.His body exposed to the light and eyes of others made him look like a lamb waiting to be slaughtered, without any dignity, only shame and shame.

Almost 20 years have passed, and he can still recall countless details of that time, and he is still living in the shadow of that nightmare.

The father was mad with anger, and he couldn't relieve his anger by pulling off the skirt on his body.He dragged him naked from the auditorium, walked halfway across the campus, and found him in the principal's office.

He thought he must have been very funny at the time, except that he was not wearing any clothes, he still had Chang'e's charming makeup on his face, his short hair was all tucked into a hood, and his feet were bare.Everyone he met along the way was looking at him.Some classmates recognized him and greeted him proactively, asking him why he was not wearing clothes, where he was going, and whether the man who grabbed him was his father...

Half-grown children are not as friendly and hypocritical as adults, and others are very blatant when talking about them.They talked about what happened to him in front of him, guessing what bad things he did to get beaten by his father.There are also some good male classmates who followed him step by step until he was scolded by his father.

When I arrived at the principal's office, my father was furious inside, so he stood naked at the door, accepting the scrutiny of the faculty and staff coming and going.

Self-esteem is like a balloon, as long as a hole is punctured and it is not sealed, the air inside will soon leak out.The same goes for Song Shuhua.Just now he was stripped naked in the auditorium and wanted to die immediately, but now standing outside the office, he was completely numb.

The tears on my face formed hard lumps, and I didn't want to cry anymore.Listening to his father roaring inside, he couldn't feel anything.He no longer protects his chest with his hands, but paws at the wall behind with his hands down, fingering the mottled putty on the wall boredly, rubbing one foot against the kicked nails of the other, rubbing out new blood, and feeling less than pain.

Then the dance teacher who led the performance was called to the principal's office.

The female teacher walked in a hurry, very anxious, and saw Song Shuhua before entering the door.Seeing the appearance of my beloved student, I was shocked and asked him, "Where are your clothes?"

"My clothes are in the dressing room, and my dance clothes were torn by my dad..." The boy said indifferently, carefully raised his eyelids and glanced at the teacher who has always cared about him, he must have let her down today, "... I will pay."

"It's not this...don't stand here, come with me." The female teacher took his hand and took him to an empty conference room next to him.Then he left in a hurry and came back soon, borrowing a school uniform and a box of band-aids from somewhere.

"Put on this clothes for now and stick your toes. Just wait here for me, and I'll go to the dressing room to get your clothes later."

"Ah."

The school uniform is red and blue sportswear, the same style for men and women, this one may belong to a certain girl, it is a bit short, but fortunately he is thin and can still wear it.

The moment he put on his clothes and taped his toes, it was like the hole in a balloon was blocked. The physical pain and psychological pain suddenly hit him, and he couldn't help crying again.

It took a long time for the teacher to bring his clothes.The eagerness on his face was gone, and he looked very frustrated.

"Put on your clothes quickly, your father is still waiting for you in the principal's office."

The boy looked at the female teacher timidly: "Mr. Zhang... are you okay?"

"It's okay." The female teacher stroked his hair and forced a smile.

"Is it really okay?"

"The teacher is an adult, but you... Xiao Song, I blame the teacher for not thinking so much at the beginning. I am really sorry."

"No...it's okay."

Later he learned that the teacher was not all right, not only was he expelled from the school, but also his teaching qualification was revoked.In order to calm his father's anger, the school gave Song Shuhua a sum of spiritual compensation.

After the dust settled, he had no choice but to transfer because he was determined not to go to another school.

Once he saw the female teacher in a dance training room outside, but he only watched secretly for a while, and then left.He couldn't face her, she was made like this by his father, and he was also a part of the instigator, which made him ashamed and unable to hold his head up.

And his lengthy psychotherapy also started from this time, accompanied by countless censures and humiliations from his father——

"Why are you so perverted?"

"Look at your appearance. A man looks like this. Do you feel disgusted?"

And the disgust of the mother's seeming concern—

"Eat more food, go for a run with your cousins, the boy should be stronger, how can there be a boy with thin arms and legs like you."

"Go outside to bask in the sun, look at your face, it's as white as a ghost."

……

Some psychiatrists in major hospitals told his father that homosexuality is not a mental illness, and there is no way to correct it.

That year, I met a director of the psychiatric department. After hearing about Song Shuhua's treatment process over the years, the director was really angry.After persuading his father to no avail, he pointed at Song Guoqiang's nose and scolded him—it's not your son who is sick, but you, and you are the one who should receive psychological correction most.

The hospitals where I started seeking treatment were all well-known large hospitals, but these hospitals often could not fully meet my father's requirements.After treating Song Shuhua for a period of time, they would always propose to call his parents for family counseling.

The father could not meet the requirements of the hospital, so he looked for a hospital that could meet his requirements again.There are also many such hospitals, with glamorous brands, which look like one thing, can fully meet the needs of customers, but are actually just to earn expensive consulting fees.

During this process, Song Shuhua had the experience of being slapped on the palm while looking at the skirt, and the experience of drinking an emetic while looking at the male body.

He sinks deeper and deeper into pain and self-loathing, and his desire for women's clothing intensifies, causing him to lose control of himself.Knowing that he would be discovered, insulted, and even beaten, he still tried every means to buy women's clothing secretly, and even stole his mother's skirt.

Adolescence is the most difficult time. When I can't make it through, I try to kill myself. After being rescued, I get my mother's constant surveillance.

As he grows up, he also gradually understands some things. Not every parent will love their children and accept everything about their children.At least my father regards him as a possession, just wanting to fully control and control him, and the mother who has always seemed gentle and loving is actually another look of his father.

After accepting the fact that his parents didn't love him, Song Shuhua didn't suffer so much.He began to play a son who lived up to expectations as much as possible, in order to survive.I have to admit that sometimes people are more tenacious than weeds, and they can take root and sprout in the cement cracks, and they can also bloom small flowers.

It's just that he didn't know when, if it wasn't for women's clothing, he couldn't let others see his body.

In his opinion, his appearance can only be called good-looking when he wears women's clothing and conforms to the aesthetics of weak and slender women.As long as he is a man, he is ugly and disgusting.

--

When Lu Mingchen woke up, the sunlight had already covered the entire room, making his brows wrinkle.Waking up with sleep is also the pain in the body, and the memory of last night.

He still remembers the drunken scuffle with Su Han outside the Queen, and he also remembers what he did to her husband when he returned home full of resentment.

Lu Mingchen sat up from the bed "crazyly", because he got up too quickly, he was dizzy for a while.The aftereffects of the hangover also appeared at this time. Holding his forehead, he stumbled and walked out, shouting as he walked, "Ah Hua...Ah Hua..."

The room was quiet and empty, filled with the crystal clear sunshine in the spring morning, and there were countless floating dust particles in the air, echoing his lonely voice.After searching every room, but there was no one there, Lu Mingchen's heart suddenly picked up.

He first called his husband's cell phone and turned it off.He called his mother-in-law again, who said that Song Shuhua hadn't returned, and asked if the two had had a fight.Lu Mingchen hung up the phone after a few sentences, and just stood in the middle of the room blankly.

Her husband disappeared, and he found himself unable to find him.

He looked through QUEEN's performance list again, and today's performance was updated, without her husband.He thought of calling the police, but her husband is an adult, and it's only been a few hours, and the police won't care.

He put on his coat and hurried downstairs, her husband's car was not in the basement.He went to the monitoring of the real estate transfer garage, and the real estate said that his situation did not meet the conditions and would not be transferred.Looking at him like this, I guess it's a family conflict. Maybe the other party just wants to be alone and calm. He is an adult and doesn't need to worry about safety issues. Husband and wife should give each other some space.

He deliberately went to the institution where her husband attended classes and the gym where he practiced yoga, but he didn't know the exact location.

After tossing and tossing around in the early morning to no avail, Lu Mingchen was so anxious that he went to the bathroom with his dizzy head to vomit, and when he came out, he pressed his aching stomach again.

Where did the husband go?

He asked himself this question repeatedly, but he had no clue, and he realized that he didn't understand her husband to this extent.

Will the husband run away in a fit of anger, disappear from his life completely, and never come back?Logically speaking, no, the husband has no other place to go, as long as he is still in city A, he will be easily found, and he has no way to find another strange city to live alone.But Lu Mingchen always had such worries, as if her husband was a balloon that would fly away at any time, but he had never caught him.

Soon the stomach pain became severe. Seeing that it was almost noon, he pressed his stomach and went to the kitchen to find something to eat.

I found a pot of porridge in the soup pot, a few noodles in the steamer, and two side dishes next to the microwave.There is a note under the vegetable bowl, which is a note from her husband Juanxiu——

You can warm up your lunch, I'll be back in the evening.