you are unspeakable

Today is a cloudy and rainy day. Xuancheng’s cloudy and rainy days are very grueling. It will continue for the next half a month. The humidity seems to make people moldy. Under the heavy damp and cold, the dehumidifier can only take up a little bit of words Cheap.Of course, there is also the kind of water stains from nowhere that wet the palms or the corners of the clothes, which makes people feel irritable.

And Wang Qi has passed five years in such a rainy day... Maybe six years, he doesn't know very well, his memory has always been not very good, he can't remember the past very well, and it seems that he has never lived in the present.

Being in a trance has become the norm in Wang Qi's life.

He was diagnosed with depression five years ago. At that time, he was just an intern in his junior year. He almost fainted from crying in the middle of the night for no reason. The crying was that his eyes were full of tears, and his eyes couldn't stop them, just like that. They flow out slowly.He thought he could fall asleep slowly after crying tired, but after the tears flowed out, he could not fall asleep for a long time, and it was difficult to open his red and swollen eyes in the dark. He just closed his eyes and stayed awake until the morning. Facing the rising sun one morning, he struggled to open his eyes. The dry pain reminded him of what happened last night. He sat up dully, turned off the alarm clock that had been ringing by his ears for a long time, as if a big hole had been broken in his heart.

Wang Qi needs to go to work and needs an internship to allow him to graduate smoothly.He dragged his heavy body to the bathroom. After a simple wash, he took out ice cubes from the refrigerator, wrapped them in a towel and put them on his eyelids. The coolness penetrated through the wet towel to his eyelids. Dizziness is slightly better.

He didn't pay attention to that crying until a year later, crying at night had become his habit.

Wang Qi was always alone, no one noticed his crying, he hid it well, during the day, although he seldom smiled, he was calm.People will not see whether there is a lot of sadness hidden behind a person's tranquility, people only see what they see in front of them.

It's a pity that tears could not be shed enough to soak in the sorrow of bone marrow and the panic of eternal falling. When the first self-harm happened and the thought of committing suicide for the first time was hard to suppress, he chose to see a doctor.

Five years later, he graduated for about four years. He stayed in Xuancheng, where the university is located, and found a small company in the diagonal direction from the university to work as a simple data clerk. He rented a It takes about an hour to walk to the house from the company, take the earliest bus to work, and take the latest bus to go home.

The city will wake up when he leaves, and sleep when he comes. It seems that everyone can forget him in such a trance time, and he... can also refuse to communicate with this world.

So early in the morning, when Wang Qi walked out of the unit building, Wang Qi looked up at the sky. At the end of May, the rain and humidity faded away, and Xuancheng gradually entered the hot summer. Plants gain light to make life meaningful, and animals gain energy and warmth because of light. However, these did not make Wang Qi feel better. Although human beings rely on the sun to survive, the sun seems to have no effect on him. significance.

He has...hadn't experienced the so-called happiness for a long, long time.

Even seeing these two words, I subconsciously panicked.

Don't ask him what's in the city in the morning, Wang Qi never knew that everything around him has no meaning to him, he won't be happy because of the warm soy milk for breakfast today, he can't even feel the soy milk from yesterday Is it different from today's soy milk, and I don't remember whether the soy milk I ate these two days.

He was carrying a black schoolbag and a black peaked cap, standing at the corner of the bus stop, his eyes on his toes, and earphones in his ears. In order to avoid being disturbed, he specially exposed the earphone wires to others ,do not talk to me.Although there is no music in the headset most of the time.

The bus arrived as scheduled, and he followed the crowd onto it.

There were very few people on the first bus, so he went straight to the last window seat at the back of the car, sat down, rested his head gently on the chair, and closed his eyes.

Today, the car was not full as usual. When he got to the platform where Wang Qi was supposed to get off, Wang Qi heard the announcement in the car. He raised his eyes and looked at the passengers standing at the door waiting to get off the car. He lowered his head and did not stop. stand up.He sat for a few more stops, and waited until there were fewer and fewer people around him, then he slowly got out of the car, then walked back, walked to the work unit, walked to his workstation, turned on the computer, and started working. Night.

Wang Qi's life has never been pleasantly surprised, never changed, and never boring.

And these are life-saving boring rules that he has explored in the past few years.

He occasionally maintains the habit of seeing a psychiatrist, but the high cost makes him make this frequency shorter and shorter. He is taking medicine, but he gradually stops. Addiction to drugs, antidepressants will make him calmer and calmer, but they can't teach him to experience the happiness in other people's mouths. He wants to die, but there is still a trace of all the "thoughts", which are pitifully small In case, he knew that he was a poor and terrible person, and he hoped that someone would give him a hand, but he was also afraid that someone would approach him.

But living in this world, even if his heart is already barren, he still has to look good on his face and work hard to cooperate with them—this is one of the ways to continue living.

For example, he had to go to the unit dinner tonight.

Colleagues from the administration department booked the restaurant and KTV, and spread the news to the group. Most people expressed excitement and anticipation, while some mavericks shied away and refused, and some people had nothing to do.Wang Qi imitated the group of people who had nothing to do, and accepted it calmly.

Even though the noisy dinner and the dim KTV box made him extremely irritable, even though he wanted to leave every moment.But he couldn't open his mouth, as if he was being pushed towards the dinner, into the box, and then slowly walked out of the corner and left after taking advantage of the situation until the end.

And at that time, the sky was gray and it was about to dawn.

But it doesn't matter, sleep will not come to him anyway, the difference between being awake in the bedroom at home and being awake in the KTV is whether there is noise in the ears.

He walked to the street, only to realize that it rained last night, the street was wet, the rain was not heavy, but an umbrella was needed.

Wang Qi hesitated for a while, stepped forward, and hurried forward, he didn't pay attention to the surrounding environment, he only heard a thud, a pain in his waist, and when he realized it, he had already fallen on the wet ground , The hands are pestered in the low-lying places on the ground, and the entire sleeve is soaked by the rain.

It took him a long time to realize that he was hit by a car.

Li Xinglu got out of the car and walked to Wang Qi's side with long legs. Seeing that he didn't get up for a long time, he frowned and said in an impatient voice, "What's the matter? Pengci?"