matchstick heaven

It's an old story.

With a bitter aftertaste, sticky memories, and fragmented, irreparable pain.

"I said before...my parents are gone."

"Ah."

"They were killed by me."

Shen Qing bent her legs and hugged her, and squatted on the back of the sofa chair.Zhou Chenshan was afraid that he would fall, so he hugged him with one arm, so he also felt his imperceptible trembling.

"At first I just wanted to play professionally. When a team wanted me, I signed it... I was too young at that time, and I didn't understand many things. I didn't know that my parents were unfamiliar with e-sports, and I didn't know that they stopped me. Playing professionally is just out of worry... I had a big fight with my dad, and he was so angry that he said that it was impossible for me to get good grades, that I was just unrealistic... I am very unwilling, I think So... I've already signed the contract...it doesn't matter if they agree to it or not..."

Shen Qing's voice became very low, and her tone was so light, as if she was telling a story that had nothing to do with her.

Perhaps, without removing himself from the story, he cannot tell it.

"So I ran out, picked up a suitcase by myself, and went to the base."

What happened after that was like a nightmare, Shen Qing's memory became fragmented, he tried his best to sort out these scattered memories, and tried to tell the past smoothly for the first time.

"When I arrived at the base, I was in a bad mood and full of anger. My dad's words made me very angry, so I really wanted to prove myself right away. At that time, I thought... I was very capable, as long as I played a few games , you can prove yourself. At that time, there was a player in the base, who had just been transferred from a wealthy club... He is still on the court now, and he is the mid laner 3you from QTG... When he saw me, he Not very friendly, talking in a strange way... I was also angry, and quarreled with him on the spot..."

Shen Qing began to feel suffocated.

Those dusty memories are not so easy to face, but he wants to make it clear to Zhou Chenshan.Those ugliest dark clouds of the past, those bits of filth on the white cloth except for the champions.

"He's different from the average players. He seems to be in the gym. Anyway, he's very strong and arrogant. He has a background, and he doesn't need to think about the consequences when he does things..."

Shen Qing's voice also began to tremble, and Zhou Chenshan tightened his arms, wrapping him tightly.

"I was kicked down by him..." He fell into the memory, "He kicked me several times, on the chest, on the stomach, and on the hands...then...he stepped on my hands."

Zhou Chenshan's breathing was stagnant.He began to try to stop Shen Qing from continuing: "Shen Qing? Shen Qing...it's okay, forget it, stop talking..."

But Shen Qing wanted to make these things clear for the first time, and she no longer wanted to give up halfway.

"He did it on purpose. He pulled my right hand out and stepped on it several times, very hard every time... I tried to pull my hand back, but it didn't work... He was too strong... I only found out about him later. Why would he do this...he wanted the team to sign the jungler he wanted, but when he brought it up, the team had already signed me...so I had to go..."

"Okay, don't say any more..."

"There was no one at the base that day, because it was the offseason... He pushed me out of the base with a person and a box, and told me to roll as far as I could, so I didn't have to come back. I wouldn't have a chance to play anyway... probably I can't remember this kind of words..."

Shen Qing looked up at Zhou Chenshan, and felt sorry for not being able to remember the original words.

Zhou Chenshan looked at those eyes full of fragility, as if he was still the helpless child many years ago, sending a futile distress signal to a savior from the future.

"It's okay, don't think about it, it's okay..."

"I don't know who notified me later, but I was in the hospital. Did you know... there are about 25 major traffic accidents in our country every year, it's very common..." Shen Qing's calm tone revealed a kind of powerless panic , Find a little self-consolation gap from the huge sorrow, "The police explained to me that my dad was driving too fast, and the other car turned right without slowing down, and hit badly on both sides. My dad died on the spot, and I Mom has been in the hospital for a long time... They should have come out to find me..."

Zhou Chenshan patted Shen Qing's back slowly. This regular rhythm made Shen Qing calm down a lot, but he continued to talk, unable to stop himself.

"My mother's time in the hospital was the most uncomfortable. In a few days, she would tell you that she was dying, and then tell you that you were getting better... Repeatedly, I didn't want to see those people in the hospital... But I still have to see... In the end, my mother recovered, but she had tubes all over her body, and it was very difficult to eat. I didn't understand it at the time, but I just thought it would be good if I survived... In fact, thinking about it now, she must have it's painful."

Zhou Chenshan recalled the scene when he took Shen Qing to see his grandfather.

At that time, he said a lot of things that were in his heart, and Shen Qing accepted his negative emotions just right.But now, he would rather he never took Shen Qing to that nursing home.

When he saw the old man lying on the hospital bed, what was he thinking?

"It took more than a month...my mother lasted for more than a month...I went to the hospital to take care of her every day. I still remember that there was a bun shop opposite the hospital. I kept going there to buy buns. A bun cost 1 cents. I can eat two...I don't dare to use the money left at home, for fear of not enough medical expenses, an aunt lent me some money, and I used it to pay the club's liquidated damages..."

Zhou Chenshan asked softly, "What about your own hands?"

"……Um?"

"Did you go to see it? Was it broken?"

Shen Qing was quiet for a while, and said: "I didn't care... It hurt for a few days, and then I forgot."

Zhou Chenshan hugged him into his arms.

"Shen Qing..." The soft voice passed from the top of his head to his heart with a slight tremor, "I just want to tell you my feelings for you...I like you...I may fall in love with you...I'm not I want you to suffer. If you are so uncomfortable, don’t think about it, including what I said to you today, just ignore it.”

Shen Qing didn't move, but Zhou Chenshan felt that the clothes around his heart were wet, and it was cool, sticking to his skin.

"But if...I mean if...if you have even the slightest desire to get out of the past..."

——Just give me a chance.

Shen Qing said in a muffled voice: "I think so."

Both of them fell silent for a long time. Zhou Chenshan once thought that Shen Qing had fallen asleep, but the next second, he could hear a slight inhalation sound again.

Zhou Chenshan's feelings for his parents, family, and elders are already very shallow. Although he is full of regrets when he misses them, he has long since developed an impregnable defense.So at this moment, he tried to feel the pain in Shen Qing's heart, but he still felt that it was not enough.

What was that feeling of slow torment?

Seeing hope, being disappointed again, giving hope again, being disappointed again... Finally, after more than a month passed, I finally lost everything.

The light in the villa dimmed.

No matter how clear the day is, it will become drowsy near dusk.But the good news is that it will be bright tomorrow.

Zhou Chenshan rubbed the hairy head in his arms: "Are you hungry?"

Shen Qing seemed startled, and suddenly struggled to get up.

Zhou Chenshan let go.

Shen Qing straightened up, squatted on the back of the sofa, and remained motionless for a while.

"What do you want to eat?" Zhou Chenshan's voice was gentler than ever.

Shen Qing said, "Don't sympathize with me."

Zhou Chenshan was taken aback for a moment, and then said: "I never sympathize with others."

He just witnessed Shen Qing's wound, so sad that he couldn't express it.

Shen Qing sat up straight, wiped off the messy water marks on his face, and said in an unprecedented serious tone: "Zhou Chenshan, I can't give you any answer, such things as feelings... I dare not even think about it." .”

Zhou Chenshan didn't speak.

Shen Qing hesitated for a while, then lowered her voice and said: "Actually, when I got the certificate with you, I didn't feel that I was really married... But when you said those words to me just now, I suddenly realized... You're married... the thought of us being... a 'family'... I'm a little scared..."

"do not be afraid."

"Zhou Chenshan... I can't respond to you..." Shen Qing said in a low voice.

"Well, I see."

"We... let's leave when the time comes."

Zhou Chenshan looked at him and said, "Let's talk about it then."

"If you want to withdraw the capital, remember to tell Brother Zhang in advance..."

"Shen Qing."

"Ok?"

"I love the Hawks."

Shen Qing hesitated, and said: "The things we agreed upon when we got married have been fulfilled, if we continue... I'm just using you."

Zhou Chenshan smiled briefly: "You can't say that, the popularity of investing in the Eagles is good."

When Shen Qing thought of her team, the intense emotion just now faded a bit.

He suddenly felt much lighter in his heart, perhaps after digging away all the silt that had accumulated in his heart for many years, his sinking heart could finally take a big breath.It's just that my head is still a little dizzy, and I am not used to the feeling of suddenly being able to breathe heavily.

"Do you know why I returned to the e-sports circle?"

Zhou Chenshan shook his head lightly.

"When my mother was lying in the hospital before, I never thought that she would leave in the end. I didn't think about it carefully. I always thought it would get better... But she should feel it herself. One day , she suddenly told me, if you really like playing games, just try to do it. I was very happy at that time, it was the happiest day in that period of time. I thought... Although she might be paralyzed, as long as I can still be a professional player in the future, and I can earn a lot of money to support her..."

Shen Qing lowered her head and looked at her hands.

This pair of hands used to be very powerful, and was praised as the "passer-by king" on the forum. These words of praise affected his young and immature heart, and made him give birth to "I must go to play professionally", "Dad Mom doesn't understand at all", "I can win the championship if I win" and many other delusional thoughts.

Now, these hands already know their limits, and they can do two or three stable micro-manipulations at most, and then the state will decline rapidly.

"After my mother told me those things, she died the next day."

Shen Qing leaned her head on the back of the sofa chair, recalling more past events.

"At that time, my house was also sold, and I had no place to live. My aunt asked me if I wanted to live in her house, but I couldn't accept it...I thought it would be a trouble for her if I went...so I found it myself An Internet cafe, sleeps in the basement of the Internet cafe during the day, helps to watch the night show at night, has free supper and breakfast, and later the boss even provided dinner."

Zhou Chenshan asked: "Is it the one who invited you to dinner last time?"

"Well...do you remember? Brother Rong has helped me a lot, and he still occasionally asks me how I am doing."

"Take me to see him next time."

Shen Qing paused for a while, and said, "Next time."

Zhou Chenshan was not obsessed with this, and instead asked, "Did you live with him all the time after that?"

"Well, I lived here for several years...until suddenly one day, I seemed...to be able to face the e-sports arena again."

Sometimes Shen Qing wondered if it was because of those people who came and went in the Internet cafe every day, their enthusiasm burst out amidst the noise, and their pure desire to win the game gave him the strength to do it again.

"At the beginning, I helped Brother Rong and his small team in the Internet cafe to play games and command, and then some people from the professional team came to me and asked me if I would consider becoming the coach of their second team. By the way, Pan Luping did the same. I knew him at that time, he was still playing in the regional college league... now he has played in the top professional league for so many years."

"You are also a top professional coach now." Zhou Chenshan said.

Shen Qing blinked, revealing a slight smile.

"For a while, I felt that getting the results was like atonement, but later, looking at the teams that took over year after year, those young players had dreams, dared to operate, lost, cried, and then got up and continued to play... …There was a player who was about to retire in the second year, and after losing a regular season game, he would practice all night…Sometimes I think they saved me.”

Zhou Chenshan pinched the back of Shen Qing's cool hand.He also hoped that he could pass on the power to Shen Qing.

"Shen Qing, I also like to watch your efforts to win the game, so I also want to give you a hand, this has nothing to do with anything else."

Shen Qing is silent.

"Isn't Msi going to be next?"

"……Um."

"When is the holiday?" The topic seemed to return to the usual days.

"Brother Zhang said let me decide, I haven't made up my mind yet..."

Zhou Chenshan said with a smile: "Then don't think so much, let's do it first. You can concentrate on thinking about the competition first. After all, this year is also the last year for Pan Luping. Those players are also working hard, don't let them down. Others We can talk about it later.”

Shen Qing thought for a long time, but could not give an answer.

But for Zhou Chenshan, no answer may be the best answer.

He finally raised his hand to rub Shen Qing's soft hair, and Shen Qing didn't show any resistance.