beautiful him

When school is over, a song called "Home Road" is played, and the melody that makes people feel strangely uneasy is annoying.It seems to deliberately make people feel lonely, so that people can go home early.

At dusk, after school, Hirara listened to the sad music while feeding the bread that was served at noon to the rabbits raised in the school.At this moment, an uncle wearing a jacket behind him asked.

"Do you like rabbits?"

This is at school, and the other party is probably a teacher.But it wasn't Kohira's grade.Being called to by an uncle whom he didn't know at all, Hirao felt an ominous feeling in his heart.Ah, it might be going on.With that in mind, I opened my mouth just to answer a very simple word "like".

"Hi, hi, hi, hi."

Ah, sure enough.I can't speak anymore.Pingliang's face was flushed, sweat was dripping from the invisible place under the clothes, and he kept repeating the word "Hi". Seeing Pingliang like this, the teacher in the jacket tilted his head in trouble.

"Well, you like rabbits very much. Be sure to go back before dark."

The teacher in the jacket patted Hirara on the head gently and turned away.Ping Liang tightly grasped the bread in his hand and lowered his head.Exactly why.Obviously it was just a simple "like".

"……like"

After trying again, the words came out smoothly, and Hirao felt a burst of despair.

There is no problem at all when talking to family members or familiar friends, but sometimes I can't speak when I get nervous.It is the most miserable time to be called to read the text in Chinese class.In the quiet classroom, everyone was listening to themselves.Everyone is laughing at themselves who are stumbling through reading.

When he was just entering elementary school, the parents who received the report from the head teacher took Hirara to the hospital.The diagnosis was stuttering, but the doctor said there was no need to be too nervous.Then it is suggested that Pingliang take a deep breath when he feels nervous, and then speak after calming down.This advice works very well.But it is not a panacea.If you are startled before you have time to calm down, it will not work.It will become what it was just now.Hi, hi, hi, hi.

As long as you are nervous, you will probably stutter. What's more troublesome is that you don't know when and where it will happen.The students were disgusted by Hirao who repeated "kikikiki" and "kakakaka" like a cannonball.Pingliang also naturally became less talkative.

Because of this, Hirao has developed a habit. When asked a question, he will take a few deep breaths to relieve tension, and finally speak when the other party starts to feel impatient.Of course, the classmates were very annoying to Pingliang.Call him an idiot.

Of course Hirao felt disgusted and sad.

But it's better to be an idiot than to be disgusted.

Hirao sighed maturely, put the bread into the rabbit's breeding cage, and then set foot on the way home.

While walking along the canal, I suddenly saw a yellow thing floating from the opposite side.I don't know who dropped it accidentally, or threw it away on purpose.It was a yellow rubber duck doll with long eyelashes and round eyes.The name seems to be "Captain Rubber Duck".Seeing it floating in the concrete canal, Hirao had an indescribable resonance.

It was supposed to be floating in a warm tub or a kiddie pool, but somehow ended up adrift in a dirty drain.What happened in its life.

Captain Rubber Duck wasn't adrift in a dirty canal of his own accord.

The same goes for Hirara himself.He is not willing to speak unfavorably.

The world is full of unpleasant things.

After casually saluting the rubber duck captain who had drifted away, Hirao started on his way home again.

After entering junior high school, there is a clearer classification of grades than in elementary school.Places like schools are built on a hierarchical basis, forming a pyramid of upper, middle, lower, air, and trash.Pingliang, who was identified as dark and quiet, was naturally classified into the bottom of the pyramid.

Although people at the bottom will have their own groups, the quiet and gloomy Ping Liang is the bottom creature who doesn't even have friends.There are also a few people at the bottom of the grade, and one of them is classified as garbage.Because the girl did not recognize her identity and approached the boy at the top of the pyramid intimately, she was severely bullied by the girls who were also at the top of the pyramid.A modern version of punishing the poor poor. (重礼価ち, which means that a low-status person is rude and offends a high-status person and is punished)

Hirara, who has always been stupid and stupid, was not bullied by the type who was considered harmless.But relatively, being turned a blind eye is treated as air.Koyama, who occasionally played together in elementary school, also started to pretend after joining the football club, and now he will pretend not to know him when he meets him in the corridor.Finally, even Xiao Shan could no longer see himself.Pingliang has completely become a transparent person.

You will definitely feel disgusted and uncomfortable.

However, being transparent is better than being bullied.

The same thoughts as when I was in elementary school, just sank down another layer.

Some people look at the top and work hard, while others look at the bottom and feel at ease.The latter will just keep falling, and there is absolutely no possibility of climbing up.I clearly know this in my heart, but I unconsciously seek a momentary spiritual refuge.At times like this, I always think of Captain Rubber Duck floating in the ditch.

Try to keep your inner peace.Don't be overly sensitive to stimuli.

Like Captain Rubber Duck with his long eyelashes floating in a dirty man-made river.

The picture full of subtle and funny sense overlaps with myself, trying to make the sad reality look like a scene in a movie.

Pingliang secretly used this method to protect his heart.However, in the summer of the second year of junior high school, the head teacher, who was extremely unnerved, reported to his parents that "He has no friends and cannot integrate into the class."

"It's so beautiful, it's the first time I've seen such a view."

Seeing the open scenery in front of her, the mother said happily.

"Come on, Yicheng, take pictures according to your preferences"

His father put his hands on Hirara's thin shoulders, pushing him forward as if urging him.

Forced by the momentum of the two, Hirara picked up a SLR camera that was too expensive for a junior high school student and walked forward.

A large field of colorful lilies blooms in front of the birch forest, and Hirao presses the shutter mechanically.Orange, pink, red, white, yellow.The shaking made people's eyes hurt.

"Today's weather is not bad, so it's just right to come here."

"Ah, Kazun looks happy too"

The parents behind them were whispering.

Ping Liang pretended not to hear.

About a month ago, Hirao accidentally overheard his parents talking about the situation reported by the class teacher in the living room late at night.My father comforted my mother by saying that most of the mild stuttering can be cured before adulthood, and that's all I can hope for.

It would be great if he could have some hobbies that he can be passionate about, after hearing what his parents said, Hirara quietly went back to his room.My heart was full of sadness, grievance and desolation. It was fine to be treated as a transparent person at school, and even the peace at home was broken. Hirao couldn't forgive that teacher.

The next week, even though it wasn't my birthday, I received a gift from my father.It is said to be a prize won by playing golf, but when did my father go to play golf?Open it and there is a camera inside.It is a high-end SLR camera that is often shown in advertisements recently.

Hirao recalled what his parents said, "It would be great if there was a hobby that he can be passionate about", and it turned out to be this.If you take pictures, you can take pictures by yourself, and you can have more opportunities to go out. As a liberal arts boy, it is also a good hobby.In short, you can't live up to your parents' wishes. "Thank you, I will cherish it"

After squeezing out a stiff smile, the parents smiled as if they were relieved.

"Let's take a photo together during the next break"

That's why Hirashi keeps taking pictures of lilies here today.

No matter which direction you turn, there are lilies, lilies, lilies, and there is a lily viewing platform after taking the elevator up.Why are there so many lilies?Is it that beautiful?Ah, it's still said that lilies are edible.Is the lily root in the tea bowl steamed egg the same lily?

"Xiao Cheng, Xiao Cheng, take a picture of Mom and Dad"

Turning around, he saw his parents smiling and showing scissors hands, "Shooting, eggplant", Hirashi said something that didn't match the SLR and pressed the shutter.

By the time he returned, Pingliang was already paralyzed from exhaustion.It's all because in order not to disappoint his parents, he pretends to be active all day long.The next day, I imported the photos into the computer and looked at them again, and I really didn't think there was anything beautiful about them.Birch tree with green leaves and white trunk.Overly colorful lilies.Orange, pink, red, white, yellow.Staring at this extremely unnatural artificial landscape all the time, I started to feel sick.

Hirao picked up the mouse, and tried to paint out an orange lily with a picture retouching software.

Apply one by one like assembly line work, pink, red, white, yellow.

Hirara's mind was completely blank when he did this.

Looking at the empty funny photos everywhere, Hirao finally came to his senses.

Fucked up—.

The camera his parents bought for him out of kindness, the photos he took with him out of kindness, and he destroyed them all.Although it can be restored by clicking the mouse, the problem is that he did such a thing.After hastily restoring the photos, he opened the next photo that happened to be the parents comparing hands with scissors. At that moment, Ping Liang's guilt reached its peak.

sorry.sorry.I'm really sorry for this.

"Kakakaka", "kikikiki" and birdsong-like sounds began to ring out from Hirara's eardrums, who kept apologizing.There was a pain in his chest, and Pingliang could only keep calling out the name of his master: "Captain Rubber Duck, Captain Rubber Duck"

— Try to keep your inner peace.Don't be overly sensitive to stimuli.

— like Captain Rubber Duck with the long eyelashes floating in the dirty man-made river.

It takes numbness to get through each day.However, the captain of the rubber duck that day was involved in the torrent, and kept hitting the concrete wall with scars all over his body.

In the spring of the second year of high school, Pingliang felt extremely nervous from the morning on the first day of class assignment.

There was a self-introduction that day, and Hirao was extremely bad at self-introduction.After reading the class placement notice, I became even more depressed.Most of last year's class were very honest students, but this year's class is divided into many influential figures in grades, the risk factor is too high for students like Hirara.

Although he still stutters now and then, fortunately, after years of training, he will no longer make fatal failures.Hirao, who always bows his head and keeps silent, is considered to be a low-level figure who is alone, and he himself thinks that this is enough.If you know that you have a physical defect and treat yourself specially with cheap sympathy, it would be better to just be a person at the bottom of the pyramid that can be seen everywhere, and then be ignored by the whole.

—Please let me spend this year peacefully.

Hirara stepped into the new classroom while praying.After sitting in the seat divided by student number, Hirao looked around the classroom through the gap between his overly long bangs.Small groups have formed in the classroom.Everyone is working hard not to be alone.The classroom on the first day of shift change is a bright and lively battlefield, everyone is fighting fiercely with virtual rifles on their shoulders.And Pingliang just watched all this.

As the bell rang, the head teacher walked into the classroom.After the brief exchange of greetings, it was the usual self-introduction session, and Hirao secretly took a deep breath.Once, twice, three times.The inhaled air presses against the stomach and brings relief to the lower abdomen.This method has been used for more than ten years since elementary school, and Pingliang has long been used to it.

Everyone introduced their names and hobbies in order.The head teachers all joined in at the right time to make everyone laugh.During this period, Hirao recalled the captain of the rubber duck floating down the river to relieve his tension.

As his student number got closer, the boy diagonally in front stood up.

"My name is Qing Juzuo"

For a moment, there seemed to be an illusion of being swept away by the receding tide.Pulled by something similar to gravity, he raised his head, and all the students in the classroom looked in that direction.

From Hirara's position, the boy named Kiyoi's face could not be seen.But you can see his unbelievably beautiful jawline and slender neck.The small head makes his overall proportions very good.He only introduced his name and sat down without saying anything else.

"Hey, do you have anything else to introduce? Like hobbies or something"

When the head teacher asked, he tilted his head and replied

"no"

Qingju propped his hands on the table, held his chin, and crossed his legs.A very casual look.But because of his slender hands and feet, he looks as good-looking as a model posing.

Although he didn't say anything interesting, the girls in the class were all giggling shyly, and the boys were all giggling too.Qingju belongs to the kind of people at the top of the pyramid.

"The next one, boy number 13"

Hirao just kept looking at Kiyoi's back, not even noticing that his student number had already been called.

"Hey, number 13, what's going on. That tall guy over there"

Kiyoi suddenly turned around, and for a moment Hirao felt as if his heart was going to stop beating.

It was as if someone had punched him in the face.

Qingju is very beautiful.Like the corners of the eyes drawn with a brush.High nose bridge, well-shaped thin lips.The eyebrows and eyes must have been carefully prepared by the gods, and carefully arranged on his face. It is more suitable to describe him as beautiful than handsome.

His eyes looked at himself, from top to bottom, as if appraising, and immediately looked away as if he lost interest.worthless.Pingliang knew that Kiyoi had already made a judgment for himself in an instant.Hirao felt neither angry nor sad.This kind of arrogance really suits the unbelievably beautiful Qingju.

Just as Hirara was staring blankly at Kiyoju, he suddenly felt a light slap on the head.When I looked up, I saw that the head teacher was standing beside him with a rolled up notebook.

"How many times do I have to call you before you know it. Introduce yourself. Don't act stupid to me on the first day here"

Hirao stood up abruptly.Just think about the name.My name is Kazunari Hirara.That's all.But the first sound got stuck.

"p—"

Ah, bad.When I thought about it, it was irreversible.

"p,p,p,p,p,pp"

Be it Qingju or the homeroom teacher, everyone just stared blankly at this side.Hirara uttered monosyllables like a cannonball, and his face felt hot.A profuse cold sweat broke out from his back and armpits.

"Ah, I see. Kazusei Hirara-san. Sit down."

After the homeroom teacher who noticed something said that, Hirara sat back down.

what are you doing?

Don't you feel miserable?

Did you laugh?

Dare to say it.

The classroom was full of whispers.

You don't need to look up to know that there are countless white eyes staring at you.

Ah, Captain Rubber Duck.I thought I was used to all kinds of ridicule, but whenever this happens, I still want to disappear.

The humiliation suffered so far adds another layer, and the cocoon of self-enclosed self is thickened again.Why am I like this.

The whispers faded away as the self-introductions continued.

Raising his head tremblingly, in the classroom full of spring sunshine, the backs of his classmates came into view very clearly.The time between myself and everyone who wants to die has no intersection.

Suddenly Hirao noticed that someone's slender fingers were moving from time to time in his lowered vision.

It is Qingju.He sat on a chair with a lazy look, with his long legs crossed, secretly fiddled with his mobile phone.Thin and long fingers tapped the small screen up, down, left, and right.It's as if your fingertips are dancing.The classmates were still introducing themselves, but Qingju wasn't listening at all.

Hirao slowly raised his gaze.

Qingju's whole body was reflected in his eyes as if the curtain of a drama had been lifted.

A small head with a perfectly shaped back.long neck.hands and feet.Her tawny hair glistened in the sunlight.After he stopped fiddling with the phone, he propped his hands on the table and rested his chin, and yawned boredly.Contrary to the sense in which he wanted to die, Kiyomi and his classmates had nothing to do with each other.

Just him and myself, alone.