12 years zero soul

At [-]:[-] in the evening, the lights dimmed as usual.

"I am back."

After taking off his shoes at the porch and passing the living room, Qiu Ren noticed that Asami was smoking a cigarette in an open-collared shirt.

"Are you here? I'll make something delicious after I take a shower."

After the cheerful tone was over, Ma Jian, who was facing away from him, said "hmm", but Qiu Ren didn't leave immediately, and quietly stared at Ma Jian's back, before long, his gaze slowly moved away.

After two years, every time I see Asami's back, a hypothesis pops up in my mind: If he hadn't stopped Asami from killing Yamazaki Makoto, then now...

Qiu Ren shook his head.If this is the case, he must not be able to forgive himself, let alone face Ma Jian as well as he is now.

For a long time, Yamazaki Makoto's hatred for Asami stemmed from Yamazaki Gaku's death.At the abandoned construction site, it was Asami who killed Yamazaki Gaku with her own hands.Everyone thinks so, including himself.

However, the fact is that Asami fired at that time and did not hurt Yamazaki Gaku's vitals.The other party did not lose his life because of this, but was also hidden.

Qiuren understands that when Ma Jian insisted on killing Makoto Yamazaki, it was at the last moment when his consciousness dissipated that he threatened Ma Jian with "not to receive treatment if Makoto Yamazaki is not let go", and finally agreed to let him go.

At the time, Kuroda also advocated that Makoto Yamazaki should not be let go, but Akihito decided not to prosecute, so the case was finally closed as an ordinary crime of injury.

After Yamazaki Makoto heard the story, his eyes widened, his dry lips opened, and he couldn't say a word.

Kuroda once asked Yamazaki Makoto why he stopped in the end when he had enough time.

For a long time, when Kuroda thought that Makoto Yamazaki still chose to keep silent, he finally made a sound.

When he touched Qiu Ren's pale face, the moment he felt the icy cold sensation from his slightly trembling fingers, his eyes were instantly blurred...

That scene, he thought, he would never forget in this life, Makoto Yamazaki said.

However, Asami still did not let Yamazaki Gaku go back to Yamazaki Makoto.Qiu Ren tried to find out again and again, but was stopped by Kuroda.

Unable to get an answer from Asami, Akihito turned on Kuroda.And Kuroda just responded: Let him experience that feeling too... After that, he refused to say more.

Qiu Ren sighed softly, put down the photography tools and went to take a shower.

The sound of the shower room door being closed sounded, and Ma Jian's consciousness had already flown away before he knew it.

The shock of that incident still lingers in Ma Jian's heart.

The word "surgery" sounds so heavy and full of oppression.He learned about Qiu Ren's traffic accident later, but did not personally experience it.But now, he truly experienced this indescribable taste.

At that time, Ma Jian could only wait outside the operating room. Although he knew what he would do in general, he found it difficult to breathe just by imagining that the scalpel would cut Qiu Ren's body.

Recalling those days, Qiu Ren shrank back and took the medicine.Asami stood up suddenly, walked to the balcony and looked outside.

For the first time, he felt vigilant, knowing that the day of death is in the near future, very near.Because of this, he kept praying in his heart that this day would come later.

Whether it's Qiuren or herself.

The unkempt water washes over the body like rain, allowing the water to flow all over the body, and the eyes are blurred——

indistinguishable.

Maybe the relationship between the two of them ended in the next second with Asami's "loss of interest".

How long will this negative thought continue to torture him? !Qiu Ren often asked himself this question.

In fact, it's not that he doesn't believe in Ma Jian, but that he can't trust himself. He doesn't believe that he has the ability to keep Ma Jian by his side for the rest of his life.

The "marriage" between him and Ma Jian, Qiuren believes, was obtained by his mother Gao Yuying's "coercion" of Ma Jian, and it is not a "marriage relationship" in the true sense.

So what is between him and Ma Jian?

After that incident, the two got along again for nearly two years.At some point, Qiu Ren still feels uneasy.This anxiety comes from his heart.Having been together for so long, Ma Jian is the same as before, caring too much about Qiu Ren's affairs, but that's all.

Groping all the way through mistakes so far, the two have experienced a lot together, but he is still not sure about Ma Jian's thoughts.Qiu Ren felt distressed and hoped to find a solution.

From an objective point of view, Ma Jian is flawless.After being with Qiuren, he is the same as before, he will put himself in Qiuren's shoes, as long as it is what Qiuren wants to do, Ma Jian will hardly interfere.He never asked Qiu Ren to give up his job, or violated Qiu Ren's personal privacy.

But Qiu Ren believes that these are not the conditions for loving someone, at least not for himself, what he needs is to understand the other person.

Can I understand Ma Jian by myself?

the answer is negative.

We've been together for almost seven years, but Qiu Ren still doesn't know enough about Ma Jian.He doesn't know Ma Jian's relatives and friends, etc.He only knows what Asami likes to eat, what he hates to eat, and part of the daily itinerary.The trivialities of life are limited to the surface.

Qiu Ren believes that he has tried very hard to understand him, but he can't fully touch the other party's heart.The reason is simple, Ma Jian is unwilling to open his heart to him.Qiu Ren did not rule out that this was a conclusion drawn from his own imagination being too simple.

When Qiu Ren was not working, he spent the remaining time trying to get to know Ma Jian better and get closer to him.However, Qiu Ren felt that the more anxious he was, the deeper the gap between them would be.

Even now, Qiu Ren's head would think about one thing from time to time - why did Ma Jian choose herself?His family status is enough for any woman to agree with him, and there is really no reason to choose the useless and ordinary self.

Qiu Ren thought that there might be an invisible "rope of fate" manipulating the two of them.

Time seems to flow from the heart because of the temperature——

Coming out from the inside, Qiu Ren saw Ma Jian standing motionless on the balcony with his back turned to him.As soon as Qiu Ren's eyes became hot, he walked over.At a place less than half a centimeter away from Ma, Qiu Ren suddenly stopped.

"I'm still alive." Qiu Ren stared at Ma Jian's broad back, as if declaring, "I won't die, there are still many things I haven't done... I want to finish it with you."

Qiuren couldn't bear Ma Jian's back to him.Especially when he saw the scar on his front, Ma Jian's eyes would become gloomy and anxious, as if he was accusing him silently.

He was thinking, probably this is the reason why Asami has been unable to let go...At first he thought it was the last time he saw Asami, but at the moment of life and death, the only thing he said to the other party was to ask Makoto Yamazaki to let go.

——If the reason was really as simple as he thought, that would be great.

Qiu Ren squeezed out a smile.The distance obviously exists between the two, but the reflection seems to be cuddling.

Ma Jian's deep voice infiltrated the air unconsciously and floated into Qiu Ren's ears:

"Since you can't stand on the same ground as me, then you must get closer to me and not go too far..."

The moonlight shines brightly, and the bright night sky is dripping with dew,

The curtains swayed with the wind, and a light wind penetrated from the front.

Asami's body suddenly began to tremble, not because of cold or anger.Instead, he imagined in his mind the ominous thing that Qiu Ren might lose his life, and trembled because he couldn't bear it.

Tears welled up unknowingly, Qiu Ren stretched out his hands, hugged Ma Jian tightly from behind, grabbed his hand and intertwined his fingers, pressed his forehead against his broad and strong back, and whispered in his mouth:

"I see."

Slightly stiff shoulders, a faint smell of tobacco.Feel the pulse beating back and forth between the fingers and the whole body between the clenched palms.

Even if the sincere oath is fictitious, I can only watch the blooming flowers and let them wither.That hope also floats with the color of the palm in the eternity after death.

【Honey, take this cold hand, let us be alone and helpless. 】

The author has something to say: Final わり

≡ω≡あるかもるっー