bad derailment

It was a complete catharsis.

I hugged Gu Mingsheng's body and was closely connected with him, as if I couldn't think about anything, I threw everything away and threw myself into this crazy sex/love.

"Gu, Gu Mingsheng..."

I was like a fish stranded on the shore, raising my neck and breathing hard.If he covered his lips unheard, kissed and bit, no words could match the skin-to-skin touch.

The two hearts were beating violently and vividly across the chest. In a trance, I once again found the feeling of being alive.

The empty part of my heart was finally carefully filled.

I don't know how long I have been tossing with Gu Mingsheng until the passion fades away, I can only catch a glimpse of the dark sky through the gap in the window screen.Gu Mingsheng stretched his hand over me to open the bedside table, I subconsciously glanced away and saw the cigarette case in his hand.

"When did you start smoking?"

Gu Mingsheng's voice was slightly hoarse, and he said: "A few months ago, when I was upset, I would smoke a few cigarettes."

I laughed twice, "Are you also worried?"

"a lot of."

There seemed to be a deep meaning in his words, he took out one and put it in his mouth, then took out another one and handed it to me.

I shook my head, but he looked at me and said, "Didn't you say that when you were in the car, if you have a cigarette addiction, the whole bedroom will be filled with smoke."

"So you were listening to me," I pulled the corner of my mouth, and raised my hand to take the cigarette, "I haven't tried smoking a cigarette at such a time."

"I do not have either."

Gu Mingsheng looked at me and slightly bent the corners of his mouth. He always likes to raise the corners of his mouth when he smiles. His facial muscles don't twitch, and he looks perfectly curved from every angle.

It's beautiful, but also fake.

Maybe it's because I have seen his real side before, that I always don't feel that I put all his actions into the "hypocrisy" pending area.

I am not addicted to cigarettes, and I rarely smoke, just as I almost never touch alcohol, and I have always lacked a little interest in these entertainments.

When I was in college, I smoked for the first time at the instigation of my roommate. The thick smoke suddenly poured into my lungs and choked me out of physiological tears.At that time, I couldn't figure out why people like to smoke when they are frustrated. This obviously only catalyzes the spread of bad emotions.

Gu Mingsheng lowered his eyes and lit the cigarette in his mouth. He did this smoothly and gracefully, and it was almost impossible for people to think that he was leaning against the head of the bed at the moment, and there were still hickey marks and tooth marks on his body that did not disappear.

I was about to take the zippo in his hand, but he raised his hand to avoid it. Before I could react, Gu Mingsheng's face suddenly magnified in front of me.

Mars and the light in his eyes flickered, like a long thread drawn out, blurring my vision along with the diffuse smoke.After I regained my senses, I realized that the cigarette in my mouth had been lit. I couldn’t tell whether it was a familiar or unfamiliar smell of smoke that entered my lungs along my throat. I coughed a few times, but I didn’t choke out tears or feel unwell.

"I often see this movement in movies, and finally I have a chance to practice it once," Gu Mingsheng said to me, bending his lips, "Don't smoke too much, it will hurt your body."

I couldn't help being a little funny, feeling that he was contradictory everywhere, "You know it's hurting your body and you still hand it to me?"

"I just think you need some time to let go," he said slowly and long at the end, revealing a different kind of emptiness in such a night, "Xiao Yao, don't think about those things anymore, as long as the unpleasant memories are sealed in a corner, As you go about your life day in and day out, you'll see that it's not a big deal at all."

Here in Gu Mingsheng, I am a transparent person from the beginning to the end.He has long stripped out my heart along the clues, as if under the spotlight, staring at me naked.

I closed my eyes, and the bitter taste of smoke filled my mouth, but it was much better than the taste stuck in my heart.

"I know, but knowing it doesn't mean you can do it."

But he said: "You are just not reconciled. You are not reconciled to him giving up on you so easily. This is something that will happen sooner or later. The only difference is whether you put it forward first or he put it forward first."

Gu Mingsheng leaned against my side, every sound was not heavy, and it hit my ups and downs heart.I lowered my head distractedly, and I didn't know when the cigarette in my hand was exhausted.

It turns out that tobacco really has the effect of paralyzing pain. At least at this moment, I have reached a reconciliation with myself who did not understand.

"You don't understand this feeling," I said with difficulty after a long silence, "Actually, I still don't understand how he and I have come to this point."

"Xiao Yao, you know everything. It's just that you don't want to accept this fact, which confuses your feelings for him."

He seemed to attribute all this to 'unreconciled' and 'confusion' in a very flat manner. I wanted to trap me only with these things, but it wasn't.

There was an emotion that I had never had before that engulfed me. It was always there. The moment Chen Feng left, it suddenly grew and spread, pulling me down the abyss, full of confidence.

But in the end, I didn't say anything to Gu Mingsheng. I smiled and said in a low voice, "Maybe."

Maybe Gu Mingsheng understood, maybe he didn't understand, there was something more in his eyes when he looked at me, a kind of darkness that I couldn't understand but couldn't help but feel palpitations.He reached out to remove the cigarette butt in my hand, then slowly bowed his head, pausing for a moment to leave a kiss on my forehead.

"It's late, let's rest."

This kiss is a bit bitter, a bit astringent, and smells like tobacco.

The conversation with Gu Mingsheng seemed to stop here, he didn't mention a single word about Chen Feng, and neither did I.

It is not possible to blame all the mistakes on one person who has come to this point, he is just a leader, and the person who really caused these mistakes is me.

I have to take responsibility for my actions and make trade-offs whether I want to or not.

No one thinks there are too many benefits, but the more you get, the greater the corresponding price.When the things I hold in my hands start to become heavy, there will be a day when I can't hold them anymore. I can only let them go and watch them unable to stay.

Just like in the past, Chen Feng knew that the road between us was difficult, but he still walked towards me without hesitation, and ended up in a losing-lose situation.Now, I can't repeat the mistakes he made, just need a little time to slowly forget about him.

I just need a moment.

The role of Gu Mingsheng was finished not long after, and I happened to be working when I received the photo he sent.In the photo, he is wearing a costume, holding a bouquet of flowers in his arms, and smiling gently and joyfully in the camera.

I sent him a 'congratulations' back, remembering that Xiao Nan said that Gu Mingsheng would wrap up in early June, and in a blink of an eye, it was already June.

Lin Nuo's college entrance examination will be held next week. These days I am busy working, going home, and chatting with Gu Mingsheng. Some heavy things seem to be gradually drifting away from me.

I slowly fell into this comfortable pace, and the number of times I dreamed about Chen Feng became less and less.

Psychologically speaking, dreams are an extension of a person's subconscious mind. When the number of dreams about a person decreases, it also shows that the subconscious has forgotten.After reading this sentence, I was inexplicably impressed. When I had dinner with Zhao Quan in the afternoon, I heard his hesitant relationship problems, and I subconsciously brought up this theory.

"But it's not right," Zhao Quan bit his ribs in distress after hearing this, "Every time I wake up from a dream, I feel more impressed with her."

Zhao Quan recently met a girl who graduated from the same university as him. She added WeChat through a friend's introduction and various reasons.On the same day, he shared the news with me excitedly. I asked him how far you have progressed. Zhao Quan coyly said that he had just learned her name.

In this regard, I do not know what good advice to give him.Fortunately, although Zhao Quan was a little careless, he still took his relationship very seriously.Although the two of them are still at the stage of chatting online, and the only time they met offline was because the girl asked him for work matters, but Zhao Quan still racked his brains to think of countless solutions from me.

"I really want to meet her, but it's really offensive to ask her out directly. I don't even know if she has a boyfriend. If she thinks I'm a frivolous person, I'll be screwed." Zhao Quan sighed, "Brother Lin Yao, do you think I should make an appointment or not?"

I was really helpless, so I could only suggest to him: "Try it first, ask her if she is free this weekend, if she shows hesitation, then give her a little more time."

"However, I just checked the Internet and said that when making an appointment with someone, you can't directly ask her if she is free, but to confirm the time and event first, such as 'do you want to go to the movies this weekend', so that the choice is more concrete, and it will make a big difference. reduce the chances of being rejected."

Zhao Quan flipped through his cell phone and said in a rambling manner: "Also, Brother Lin Yao, the reason why you always dreamed of someone is not correct. I read that it is clearly because you have always had her in your subconscious mind." , so that the body can feel the longing, and I can meet this longing person for you. I dreamed of her, it must be because I want to see her. "

After finishing speaking, Zhao Quan blushed a little. He clicked on WeChat and made up his mind: "Why don't I ask her directly. Men should take the initiative. What if she is also interested in me?"

Zhao Quan probably made up the picture in his brain, grinned, lowered his head, and buttoned up each word on the phone seriously.I shook my head, still thinking about his casual words just now, piercing into my brain with the noisy buzzing sound.

'This is obviously because you have always had him in your subconscious, which makes your body feel the yearning, and I met this person who you miss so much for you'.

I didn't hear the rest of the words clearly, and I didn't pay attention to how excitedly Zhao Quan told me 'she agreed'.It seems that everything is going away from me, but what still buries me is the flood of memories belonging to Chen Feng.

He is obviously not that good, nor is my first or favorite person, and even makes me feel tired and helpless most of the time, but he seems to be inseparable from my mind all the time.

Even if it's just what Zhao Quan said casually, I can't resist and instinctively think of him.

I hate myself who is addicted to the past, and even more disgusted with this powerless status quo.I found an excuse to go to the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror, I seemed to be a little thinner than before, and tried to pull the corners of my mouth, but the person in front of me smiled falsely and tiredly.

I don't understand how I can live my life so badly.

I think about Chen Feng, I'm going crazy.