growing up porcelain doll

◎As the Chinese New Year approached, I found out that my feelings for my elder brother were indeed not a good feeling. Not only did I not have the joy of a secret love, but it was all sad

As the new year approached, I realized that my feelings for my elder brother were really not a good feeling. Not only did I not have the joy of a secret love, but it was full of sadness, melancholy and anxiety. .

Before the Chinese New Year, Gong Qing spent most of his time studying and doing homework, which distracted most of his attention to a certain extent, and his heart was not so heavy, but every night, he was a little entangled How on earth do you sleep without looking distant.

Ever since he understood his own intentions, he often felt distressed. Who was not good for him to like, why did he have to be his elder brother?He is a very sensible child. Because he has lost everything, he will cherish it when he has it again. What's more, everything he has now is basically given by Liu Danqing's family. He was supposed to be sent away the year his adoptive parents died.Liu Danqing and Cheng Yan gave him no less love than Liu Xiyue and Gong You. Even after Liu Xiyue and Gong You left, it was not an exaggeration for him to call Liu Danqing and Cheng Yan parents, because they really regarded him as their own. When his own son comes to raise him, he will also have a share of what his elder brother and younger sister have. Liu Danqing and Cheng Yan will arrange for him the things he needs in terms of food, clothing, housing, transportation, study, and life. Living expenses are just a little bit more.With such relatives and such a life, he really felt that he should be content. How could he ask for more from this family, or even destroy this peaceful and happy family?Then he is too heartless and worthless!

He told himself over and over again that he couldn't.It's good for everyone to kill the relationship now while it's just showing up.

Sometimes he would smile bitterly in his heart, allowing himself to experience two unacceptable relationships in just half a year.From a person who was secretly in love to someone who has a crush on others, the protagonists in the story are all fucking men, one is his good brother, and the other is his own brother!What the hell is going on in this world, it's so fucking weird!

This winter vacation, he became a little silent. At first, Cheng Yu thought that he might have spent too much time studying every day and was too tired, but when he turned around inadvertently, he saw Gong Qing's eyes dodging after meeting his gaze. He found that something was wrong with Gong Qing, but he couldn't tell what was wrong.When he came back from his hometown after the Spring Festival, he found that Gong Qing would still stay in the room for a long time even after finishing his homework, but when they were alone for a little longer, he would make excuses to leave, or drink water or go to the bathroom, But he will not come back after going out for a short time, until he goes out to find someone, and he will be found in a daze in the living room or balcony.

This abnormal behavior is obviously something on his mind, and he is avoiding him intentionally or unintentionally.He couldn't figure out why Gong Qing didn't tell him when she had something to say, and why she tried to avoid him even though she was always looking at him.This feeling of not being trusted makes him very uncomfortable. He thinks that there is no secret between him and Gong Qing. The relationship between the two has been good since childhood. What else is there for him as an older brother? Don't know if you can't help him deal with it?

But a boy will have self-respect when he grows up. He knows all about Gong Qing's past, knows that he is delicate, and will not cause trouble for others unless it is absolutely necessary, just like many years ago when he mistakenly thought that he was going to be sent away. I longed to be left in my heart, but I couldn't even utter a complete sentence of begging to stay.He is always sensible and makes people feel distressed, and he hasn't changed much over the years.So Cheng Yu didn't rashly ask him what's wrong, he just wanted to use practical actions to appease him and induce him to speak out what was on his mind.

One night, Cheng Yu was lying on the bed after taking a shower. After a while, Gong Qing also came in after taking a shower. He said, "Xiaoqing, come here and let's have a heart-to-heart talk."

Gong Qing paused and said nervously, "What are you talking about?"

Cheng Yu smiled and patted the place beside him, he said: "Talk casually, let me recall my childhood memories. I looked through the old photo albums today, and suddenly I miss my childhood life very much." He showed a more bright and expectant look With a smile, he continued: "Just treat it as talking to me for a while!"

Gong Qing nodded, pulled back the quilt and lay down next to her eldest brother, leaving an arm's length away.

Cheng Yu felt that he was lying down next to him but didn't mean to hold her, so he sighed helplessly in his heart, what happened to this child?

They turned off the lights, and the room was completely dark except for the light from outside casting mottled spots on the closed curtains.

"Do you still remember the first time we met?" Cheng Yu's pleasant voice sounded in this quiet environment, he stretched out his hand to gesture in the air, and laughed: "At that time, you were so big, Thin and small, not tall, but very good-looking, just like the little prince who came out of the cartoon, with watery eyes, tender and white skin, like a real-life porcelain doll, Cheng Yueyi When I see you, I call you 'beautiful brother'"

Following the elder brother's description, Gong Qing's thoughts also returned to the winter when he was seven years old, and he couldn't help chuckling and said: "Well, of course I remember, my mother told me that I had a very good cousin , I look good, I study well, and I am very clever, but sometimes I am unreliable. When I play with you, I have to follow you closely and pay more attention to safety. In the end, you took me into the water that afternoon went."

Cheng Yu started laughing as soon as he heard it, and when he had had enough, he said, "Oh, Auntie summed it up quite well. I was really good at it when I was young. As soon as I returned to my hometown, I led the children in the village to mess around. In the end, I made a fool of myself." A little cleverness is enough, they might be scolded and then beaten by their own parents, so looking at it, I seem to be quite unreliable."

"Your understanding is pretty good!" Gong Qing couldn't help but praise his brother.

Cheng Yu glanced at him, and said, "Tsk. Don't think I can't tell that this is sarcasm!"

Gong Qing laughed in her heart, coughed twice and said again: "Actually, it's not that unreliable, especially when I fell into the water, my mouth and ears were full of water, and my eyes were so blistered that I couldn't open them. The body is very heavy, but I can feel that you are pulling me up desperately and talking to me loudly. I am not so scared anymore, I always feel that you will definitely be able to pull me up. Finally, before I fainted I can still see that your body is covered with water, and when you were panting for breath and running hard while hugging me, I thought you were very reliable." He looked sideways at his elder brother, "You were only ten years old at that time. ,Right?"

Listening to Gong Qing's memories, Cheng Yu can still feel the lingering fear at that time. It was the first time he felt that human life can be so close to death, and all this was caused by him, that helplessness , palpitation, fear, sadness, guilt, heartache... How many kinds of feelings gathered together made him feel uncomfortable.At that time, he prayed and swore to the sky that if this younger brother was safe and sound, he would be willing to pay whatever price he had to pay, and he would treat him well for the rest of his life.Fortunately, he was fine, and there was a good chance for him.

Cheng Yu let out a long breath, and then said half-jokingly: "Fortunately, you were small and thin back then, and I happened to hold Cheng Yue to practice my arm strength since I was a child, otherwise I might not be able to hold you in my arms!"

Gong Qing said with a low smile: "Why, if you really can't hold me, will you throw me there?"

Cheng Yu looked at him with bright eyes, and said: "How is that possible? If you can't hold it, you can carry it on your back, and if you can't carry it, you can drag it. Anyway, I will save you and take you away, even if it takes my life." It's all right."

I don't know if it's because the last sentence is too heavy, or because the emotions contained in these words are too strong, Gong Qing feels that her heart and even her whole body are tightly wrapped by such pure love.He never doubted his elder brother's love for him, because since he became his younger brother, his elder brother spent all his sad, sad, painful, and helpless times with him, and it is precisely because his elder brother has always been by his side, accompanying him With his growth, he has the opportunity to reinvent himself and become a positive, optimistic and hardworking person.The sorrows, joys, and worries in his life are basically participated by his elder brother. The elder brother can risk his life for him, but why not him?

Memories of his childhood made him want to be close to his elder brother more and more. He thought about the carefulness of these days and the feelings that were constantly suppressed by him, and suddenly felt very wronged. He just likes such a person who understands him, takes care of him, and always takes him into his heart. Brother, what should I do!

Neither of them spoke anymore, and there was only silence in the room.

After a while, Cheng Yu stretched out his hand to hold Gong Qing's hand, groping the back of his hand with his thumb, as if to comfort him, he said: "Xiaoqing, if you have any troubles or are unhappy or wronged Just tell the big brother about the matter, and the big brother will help you solve it."

Finally, Gong Qing couldn't bear it any longer. He moved his body towards the older brother, put his arms around the elder brother's arm, tears broke through the last line of defense, and quietly slipped down his cheeks.

He held back his trembling voice, shook his head lightly, and said, "I just miss my parents."

Cheng Yu hugged him sideways, stroked his back lightly with one hand, and said softly: "I miss my aunt and uncle too, let's go see them tomorrow."

Gong Qing stretched out her arms to hug her elder brother's waist, her tears had unknowingly wet his front collar.He huddled in his elder brother's arms and nodded lightly. Holding his elder brother was like hugging the whole world.

Cheng Yu stroked his hair gently, and said, "Go to sleep."

Early the next morning, Cheng Yu accompanied Gong Qing to the cemetery. At this time, there was no one in the cemetery, and the cold wind made the place even colder.They walked to the tombstones of Liu Xiyue and Gong You. Gong Qing felt a pain in her heart when she saw the two black-and-white photos with smiles. In the photos, they were still the same as he saw when he was seven years old, but he was no longer the same. Back then that little guy.It turns out that time flies so fast, seven years have passed between life and death.

Gong Qing squatted down slowly, and his fingers lightly brushed the cheeks of the people in the photo, as if a little force would disturb their peace.He raised his head and said to his eldest brother: "Brother, I want to be alone with them for a while, is that okay?"

Cheng Yu looked at his red eyes and felt a little distressed. He patted his shoulder, nodded and said, "Well, I'll wait for you under the big cypress tree at the front door." After speaking, he turned to his aunt and uncle The tombstone bowed three times before turning and leaving.

Now Gong Qing was the only one left here, and his emotions poured out like a collapse. He knelt on the ground trembling, tears streaming down uncontrollably.

"Dad, Mom, I miss you so much. How are you doing over there? Do you miss me as much as I miss you?" He knelt there as if confiding or muttering to himself, He said: "Dad, Mom, you don't have to worry about me. After you left, my aunt and uncle not only didn't drive me away, they also took me into their home. We have been living together all these years, and they treated me very well." , my eldest brother and my younger sister are also very kind to me. Although the house at home is empty, my eldest brother will accompany me to clean it every once in a while. We clean up the house, just like before, but now my eldest brother Going to other provinces to go to university, I live in high school, we have less time to go back, but every winter and summer vacation we will go there a few more times. Every time we go there, we can play the piano for a while. I don’t have what you want me to learn Waste, I also taught my elder brother to play the piano, you should be able to hear it, right?"

As he said that, a faint smile hung on the corner of his mouth, and he continued: "Brother takes special care of me, and has always been like this since I was a child. I am really grateful that you can adopt me and give me a warm home. Gave me a group of relatives who love me, gave me a particularly good elder brother," his eyes gradually dimmed, "but I, I..."

Having said this, he couldn't say the rest. He thought, Mom and Dad probably don't want to hear those words. If you tell them that you have such feelings for their nephew, they will feel sad. Sad, if they knew that there would be today, would they regret taking him out of the orphanage?I thought I was raising a well-behaved little sheep, but in the end it turned out to be an evil wolf with evil intentions. Anyone should feel disappointed and chilled.

He hesitated for a long time, but he couldn't say those words after all, he didn't want to disappoint the person who loved him.He looked up at the gray sky, smiled helplessly, and said in his heart: "That's it, no one will tell, it's enough for you to know, it may be a little uncomfortable and bitter, but bear with it and let it pass." Well, in a few years, in a few years."

"Dad, Mom, I will work harder to become a better person in the future, and live up to the expectations of you and everyone who loves me. I will come to see you often, talk to you, chat, and will not let you stay I’ve been lonely over there, if you miss me too, come and see me in my dream.” He glanced towards the gate of the cemetery, and said again: “It’s too cold today, brother Wait for me at the door, let's talk here first, Dad, Mom, goodbye!"

He kowtowed three times to the tombstone, got up and patted the ashes on his body, then turned and walked towards the eldest brother.