after i found out my new wife was a man

Xie Ling and her seven-day wedding leave just passed, and they returned to their busy schedule.

The days are slowly flowing like this, the school grounds are still vigorous and peaceful, and the capital seems to be still peaceful and peaceful.But Xie Lingyu could vaguely feel that with the return of General Xu, it was like a fierce undercurrent rolling under the gentle river, something gradually changed.

The official business on the father's desk is piled up day by day, and he comes and goes in a hurry every day, frowning. After finally returning home, he stays in the study to discuss matters with a group of staff. Uncle Xu comes over more frequently, with a look Anxiety and exhaustion that cannot be concealed.

Xie Lingyu couldn't help asking his father, but his father just sighed, saying that you will know when the time comes, so don't worry.But even though he didn't say anything, Xie Lingyu could vaguely guess some reasons, but he couldn't be sure.

But after all, life still had to go on normally, and half a month passed like this. Xie Lingyu finally couldn't resist Xu Yaoling's repeated invitations tonight, so he had no choice but to go to the painting boat on the Qingyi River, leaving He Yaoqing alone in Ling'an Garden.

As the time approached, when everything was silent, a dim yellow lamp was still lit in Ling'an Garden. The night was as dark as ink, and the lamp flickered on and off. Instead of illuminating the darkness around, it seemed to be eroded by the night. .

He Yao sat quietly by the window, surrounded by boundless ink. This kind of environment might feel dark and uncomfortable to ordinary people, but it made him feel very safe.

He took out an object that Xie Lingyu had given to him a few days ago, and raised his hand to face the moon.

It was rounder than the moon, and He Yaoqing seemed to be able to see the shimmering moonlight in it. The red plum cut was as red as blood, and he stared at it until his eyes were sore and sore.

Can't help but think back to that night, the night was brighter than today, the man smelled of alcohol, smiled and stretched out his right hand to himself——

"Look what good things I brought you?"

He Yaoqing paused for a moment, then lowered his gaze.

It is very exquisite and beautiful, although it is not expensive, but there is no such thing even in the palace.

But I don't like it, not at all.

He Yaoqing put down his hands, thinking almost indifferently, these things shouldn't belong to me anyway.

He has many eyeliners, and his hatred pushes him to think far and wide, coupled with the coincidence, the power in his hands is hidden in the dark, like a fine net, and no trouble in the palace can escape him. Eye.So he already knew what the Empress Dowager said to Xie Lingyu that day, and firmly believed that Xie Lingyu was kind to him only because of a momentary pity.

But what He Yaoqing hated most in his life, apart from those people in the palace, were those who pitied him.

Like a high god pitying the ants in the world, condescending, the hypocritical emotion of "gifts" like giving alms to beggars is really ridiculous. Who in this world has the right to "pity" me?

He curled his lips sarcastically, but unfortunately they didn't know that the emperor hid it so seamlessly back then, and the people who used it were all confidantes, how did the queen mother find out?

He Yaoqing sneered in his heart, but he tightly held the candy in his hand, and suddenly realized his actions, and withdrew his hand as if being burned by fire.

There was a crisp cracking sound, the candy fell to the ground, the glazed shell shattered, rolled and rolled on the ground, and a little dust stuck to it.

He Yaoqing stared blankly at the candies on the ground, and the first reaction in his heart was almost relief.

It's broken.

He suddenly realized that the surprise and joy he had tasted in the past half month was much more than the sum of the previous ten years, but the overly strong emotions brought him not only joy, but also lingering emotions. The fear of not going to the void.

Just like a child who has never tasted sweetness, the first thing he feels is fear and confusion when facing the unknown bright candy.

He has lived like that for more than ten years, as if he has adapted to the dull environment, he has long adapted to all the malice, anger and pathos.But if he was to face these sudden joy and kindness, he didn't know what to do for a while.

He Yaoqing stood there dumbfounded, and after a long time bent down to pick up the thing slowly.

It wasn't until now that he realized that he was actually afraid of these emotions.

The feelings given by that person are like this shattered candy bar. After all, it is too ethereal, like a flower in a mirror, and it is fleeting. He has no confidence, and he does not believe that he can hold it. He always feels that One day it will disappear.

It's okay if you haven't tasted it, but what should you do after you get stuck?

If you can avoid the violent joy, naturally there will be no sorrow. 【Note 1】

He Yaoqing suddenly felt exhausted, almost unable to stand, and countless negative emotions burst out suddenly, pressing down on him, almost making him breathless.

He closed his eyes tightly, and the lingering nightmare came one after another, as if he had returned to that dark and cold palace for a moment, with hideous figures in front of his eyes.

"The Holy Majesty wants this old servant to explain to you, if you can't learn it, then you won't be able to..."

"What are you asking! When will you understand that you were born a girl! Pass the order..."

He seemed to be brought to that cold and narrow room again. There was no light, no sound, and he couldn't even move. Time seemed to have stopped. He could only stand, with endless darkness and fear in front of his eyes, and only himself crying in his ears. Voice.

At that time, I was only seven or eight years old, right?He Yaoqing was a little dazed, he clenched his fists tightly, so strong that he almost scratched his palms.Weak, helpless, powerless, unable to resist, only crying and begging for mercy... This is simply what he hates the most.

I'm so fake, dark, ugly, unsightly, never expected by anyone, I'm not me, and I shouldn't be me, so I'm probably born wrong, I shouldn't live, only death is A real relief.

...It's a pity that even if I die, I will drag those people into hell together.

Xie Lingyu guessed right at the beginning, at this moment only pain can make him feel truly alive.

The author says:

Note 1: If violent joy can be avoided, there will naturally be no sorrow. —— "No Longer Human", Osamu Dazai.