brave and coward

Xue Younian sat on a chair, listening to his father recall the past with a gentle expression.

It happened more than 40 years ago. In fact, he had forgotten many things, but after hearing this, he remembered it again.

When he was very young, he didn't know that his mother's husband was actually someone else's husband, and he didn't know that his father was also someone else's father.His mother only said that Dad was going on a business trip, and he was too busy with work, so he couldn't come back during the holidays.

But in fact, he already felt a little strange at the time. When his mother said these words, his expression was very strange. He couldn't describe the feeling at the time, but later he knew it in retrospect. Gritting teeth".

But when his father is around, his mother will change her face, gentle and weak, and considerate.

His father is very kind to him. Every time he comes, he will bring him gifts, ask about his homework, praise him, and sometimes go to school with his mother to pick him up.The classmates especially envied him for being so outstanding, and having such a perfect pair of parents, why is it so unfair.

This wonderful childhood memory ended when he was six years old.

It was his birthday that day, and his parents went to pick him up from school.Once again, he met the envious eyes of his teachers, classmates, and even other parents at the school gate, and walked up to his parents. He was about to say what the teacher praised him again today...Suddenly, someone came over and looked at him and his parents. The parents beside them splashed something unknown, dirty and smelly, which shocked everyone present.

Then there were sharp voices cursing, calling his mother a mistress and calling him an illegitimate child.

After scolding, the other party ran away.

The people around came back to their senses after being astonished, and there were many discussions.

Xue Younian's father's face turned blue and red, and he didn't care about chasing the person who threw things and scolded others, so he hurriedly pulled Xue Younian mother and son into the car, but just as the car door was closed, another man ran out from the crowd, carrying A bucket of dirt was spilled on the car.

Xue Younian's father hurriedly opened the window cleaner, honked the horn a few times in embarrassment, and finally drove the car out of the group of parents who came to pick up their children.

On the way back, there was a dead silence in the car, his father didn't speak, neither did his mother, they just took a paper towel and vigorously wiped the dirty things on their bodies.

Xue Younian opened his mouth, but he didn't ask anything after all.He realized that this was very wrong, but his instinct told him not to talk too much at this time.

Back home, his mother took him to take a shower, and then let him play in the community.

Xue Younian went out obediently, walked around downstairs, and went back carefully, sticking to the door of the house to eavesdrop.

Xue Younian's father called his wife first, got into an argument, hung up the phone, and asked his lover what was going on with a dark face.

Lover - Xue Younian's mother cried and said: "You still ask me what's going on, how do I know, she hired someone to do this trick on purpose..."

Xue Younian's father said angrily: "It's not you who provoked her, can this happen today?! I told you a long time ago, don't worry, don't make trouble, take your time..."

Xue Younian's mother suddenly raised the volume, stopped crying, and said: "It's not too late! You have been in elementary school for a year! You have been talking about divorce since I was pregnant with him, and now! Every time you mention it, let me Don't worry... Do you think I'm a fool?! I can only be your mistress for the rest of my life? I can only be an illegitimate child for the rest of my life?!"

His father's face became more and more ugly: "Shout louder! Go out and use a trumpet!"

His mother sneered and said, "It doesn't matter if I use the trumpet or not now. Your wife is amazing. Do you think people in this community can hide it? So many children in this community go to that school. "

His father held his breath and said, "Don't go to school tomorrow for a year, move, and transfer him to another school."

His mother didn't talk about this, but just asked: "Now that you're tearing yourself apart, if you don't take this opportunity to divorce your wife, when do you want to leave? Will you leave after I was forced to death by her?"

"At what time is this and you are still thinking about this, first transfer the school you have been studying for a year, and think about how to tell him later." His father said.

"Don't change the subject! How else can I tell him? Tell him that his father dare not divorce his wife and let him continue to be an illegitimate child?"

"Shut up! Don't talk about whether the illegitimate child is not the illegitimate child!"

"If I don't talk about it, he is not an illegitimate child? What are you doing here?"

"You—" Xue Younian stood at the door of the house, listening to the more and more intense quarrels inside, and finally, there was even the sound of smashing things.

He turned around silently and went downstairs, sitting on a bench in the flower bed of the community in a daze.

After a while, several women came back with vegetables and children, gossiping excitedly as they walked: "I really can't tell..."

"Who says it's not? I used to say that the family is amazing. The men look like men, they are cultured and rich, and the women are also beautiful and kind. Their bodies and temperament... Not to mention that kid, he is beautiful and obedient, with good grades, every time he sees me, he greets me politely and helps me carry things. I always praise him for his good tutoring."

"That kid is really nice, who would have thought that he was an illegitimate child, what a crime."

"It is said that the eldest wife has known about it for a long time, and has been enduring it all the time, but this mistress is so arrogant that she directly called to urge people to get divorced, causing the eldest wife to have an abortion, and the mother's family just got angry."

"I really can't see, that woman's writing is weak, so shameless..."

"Why don't you say that you know people, know faces, but don't know your heart..."

They talked all the way, no one noticed a child sitting in the place half covered by the grass and trees, and heard all these words clearly.

Xue Younian sat until the sun had completely set and the street lights were on, but his parents didn't come out to look for him.He had to go back by himself.

After returning, the house was cleaned up, and nothing was broken.His father was gentle when he saw him: "Why did you come back after playing until now, and I was just going to find you. Your mother is not feeling well, so go to bed first, don't disturb her, ah."

Xue Younian nodded.

His father pointed to the dumplings on the table: "The dumplings just made, you can eat this first today. Dad will take you to eat other things next time." He said, "Dad just answered the call from the hospital and has to work overtime, so he left first." , after you finish eating the dumplings, write your homework obediently, go to bed early—”

After the words fell, the master bedroom door was slammed open, and Xue Younian's mother rushed out and grabbed his father, screaming, "Where are you going?! Going back to your house?!"

His father's expression changed instantly, he glanced at his son hastily, and said in a low voice, "Let go! Are you crazy? My son is still here!"

His mother looked back at her son and said, "Your father doesn't want you anymore! He doesn't want mom and you anymore!"

"Ye Qing, shut up!" His father hurriedly said, "One year, you go to the room—"

"You come here some year! Your dad doesn't want you anymore! He won't come back after he leaves!" His mother yelled, tugging at his dad.

Xue Younian watched helplessly as his parents argued again fiercely.

He felt very strange, he didn't seem to know the two people in front of him.

This woman with disheveled hair, grim look, and high-pitched voice, and this disheveled, embarrassed man who even beat the woman with his hands.

His perfect world completely collapsed that day.

Later, his mother broke the pot, stopped pretending, and had a showdown. Seeing that the man couldn't be urged to divorce, she simply brought her son to the door to make trouble.Go to the man's work unit to make trouble, go to the man's house to make trouble, go to everyone who can, make a lot of noise.

But the more she made such a fuss, the more unwilling the man was to get a divorce.

Xue Younian didn't want to go at all, he just wanted to dig a deep hole to bury himself, he felt ashamed to face others.

But he doesn't have a choice, he's too young to do anything about it.

He could only be forced to stand in broad daylight with his mother, feeling the disdain and malice from all directions.

On the way, he had a high fever, and he spit out the medicine secretly. He didn't want to get better, because only this time he could not be forced by his mother to recognize his father, and he could hide quietly in the bed.

But he never recovered, and was directly sent to the hospital by his mother to get an injection. After all, he recovered.

Later, his mother became disheartened and threw him at the door of Xue's house. She left and never came back.

Xue Younian waited for his mother at the door of Xue's house for three whole days. He didn't eat or drink water, and no one paid attention to him.

His father didn't know the news until three days later, and rushed back to send his dehydrated son to the hospital for emergency treatment.

Later, his father couldn't contact his mother, and he didn't dare to take him home. After much deliberation, he asked his friend to help him raise his son.

The friend was very angry and speechless, and wanted to break up with this guy.But in the end, the poor and innocent child agreed.

……

"There are years."

Xue Younian came back to his senses, and replied, "Do you want some water?"

His dad shook his head, sighed, stared at him for a while, and said, "Actually, I thought you wouldn't want to come back to see me for the last time. You should hate us."

Xue Younian smiled and said, "You are overthinking."

His father looked gloomy: "You have a good personality since you were a child. Other children have gone through those things and have to be rebellious for a few years. You are quiet and quiet from the beginning to the end. You have never resented me or lost your temper. .”

Not only that, but he has always been a good student praised by teachers and students in the school. Every step he takes is like a standard gifted student measured by a ruler. No one can tell his faults.Even though his father's wife didn't want to see him, she didn't bother him. She just turned a blind eye when her husband secretly gave the illegitimate child some pocket money for living expenses.

Xue Younian only said: "You don't need to think about these old things, I have always been good, and everyone treats me very well. Now that I am this old..."

"Yeah, you're already this old." His father sighed again, "But why haven't you got married yet?"

Xue Younian: "..."

His father stopped talking for a while, and finally couldn't help it, and asked tentatively: "Do you already have a partner? Is it just too embarrassing to say? Or it's not convenient to say... Actually, it's this age, as long as the other party treats you Well, I have no objection."

After a pause for a few seconds, his father smiled embarrassingly, and laughed at himself, "It's a shame. I didn't have the right to dictate your choice. Don't say you are so old, even if you are still young, what right do I have?" ..."

"Don't say that." Xue Younian comforted, "I never thought about it that way."

His dad looked at him: "So, is there?"

Xue Younian hesitated for a moment, then shook his head: "Yes, we broke up for many years."

"Oh!" His father sighed again, and after a while, he asked, "Is it because of your mother and I, that you have any obstacles in your relationship?"

Xue Younian laughed and said: "The old saying is true, think more when you are sick."

After saying a few more words, seeing that he was watertight, he didn't want to say more, so his father changed the subject and talked about something else: "One year, you don't want those houses, don't you really have a problem with Dad? Sigh ...Your brother, you should have heard people say that, not to mention that you can't compare with anyone, you can't compare with anyone casually, and you can marry a wife and have children according to him... Firstly, it is his mother's strength, and secondly Come on, he is also my child, I have to make plans for his future..."

Xue Younian said gently: "You don't need to explain, I understand. Those are your assets, and you have the right to deal with them. Besides, I'm not short of money. I don't want those houses. I really don't have a problem with you. Frankly speaking Say, I just don't want to cause unnecessary trouble for something I don't lack."

His father sighed again, knowing what he meant: Although these suites only accounted for a small part of his father's inheritance, if his father's eldest son's family found out, it would be hard to say that they would not look for Xue. There are troubles every year.

His father had been seriously ill a long time ago, and he waited for him to come back. During this period of time, he was in better spirits after seeing him, but it can only be said to be a flashback.After talking so much at this moment, I was exhausted, so I leaned back and dozed off with drooping eyelids.

Xue Younian lifted the quilt for him and was about to leave when he heard him say in a sleepy voice: "I am sincere to your mother...but I am a coward...and greedy...I want to escape, but I am reluctant... Indecisive... in the end, you end up in a situation where you can't advance or retreat, which makes everyone suffer...you must not make the same mistakes as your father..."

Xue Younian was silent for a while with downcast eyes, turned around and left without responding.

too late.

He speaks too late, he listens too late, that he's done greedy coward time and time again long ago.

When I was young, I didn't dare to confess my love to Huashicheng, afraid of being rejected and alienated, but I couldn't let it go.

Later, he dared not confess to Hua Lin.Once you tell a lie, you have to use countless lies to cover it up; if you take the wrong first step, every subsequent step will not return to the correct path.

After Hua Lin returned to the country, he didn't dare to chase him back, and he didn't dare to continue to face Hua Lin's hatred.After several years like this, I finally couldn't help it anymore, realized that I couldn't escape anymore, and mustered up the courage...but it didn't seem to work.

Or, he was wrong again.He didn't muster up the courage. He is still a coward now, but what he is afraid of now is not being able to have it anymore.

All his life, he has been filled with fear.

Sometimes, he will fall into confusion.He didn't understand why he had to face such a life.

He's clearly done well enough.

He never resented his father and mother, he was full of guilt for his father's wife and son, and he had no intention of fighting for any property.He's just studying and working hard, he's even serious about loving life, and he's got the praises of almost everyone he knows.

The only wish of such a self is to be able to stay with the one he loves for the rest of his life, isn't that too much?

Even, as long as a month... No, even a week, a day, an hour, a minute, a second is fine.As long as Hua Lin said to forgive him and was willing to hug and kiss him again, then he would die at that second and he would not be unwilling anymore.

The author has something to say: Fu Nansheng: If it was me, I would forgive him for one second (laughs), but if the next second he grinds and doesn’t want to die, I will personally send him to die (sneer)

Ergou: Shut up! (The sense of substitution is too strong, and I go mad for a second)