madness

Outside the window is the pale moon, and through the security window like prison railings, you can see the blurred shadows of trees.

Usually no one would come out and walk around at night, but I woke up, lifted the quilt and got out of bed. The floor was very cold, and I groped for a while before I found the slippers.

Today is the day I decide to leave here.

The uniform black slippers were distributed in the nursery, and only mine was a cartoon pink rabbit, which was very sweet. Huahua said she liked it and wanted to change it with me, but I didn't agree with her, and she cried miserably.

Huahua cried and told Xiao B, who liked her, that I had robbed her.

Little B grabbed my collar angrily.

After hearing the news, the head of the department dragged me all the way to the front of the prison cell.

"Why do you only shut me down, but not Little B?"

I asked him this way.

In fact, I just simply wanted to know the reason, but he flew into a rage.

Like Little B.

The eyes of the middle-aged man under the gold-rimmed glasses were chaotic and dark, like a beast that had been offended into its territory. He laughed back angrily, pulled out his belt arbitrarily, and vented at me hysterically.

The leather shoes stepped on my spine, and my internal organs groaned as they squeezed each other. For a moment, I could hear the crisp sound of my spine breaking.

If it was normal, the director would almost stop, because I have to go to school during the day, he is afraid that people will find out, but not today-I am on summer vacation.

This is not good news, it means that I will be beaten continuously by the director for the remaining hours, until he is tired and panting against the wall to rest, that appearance always reminds me of drooling in the animal world But the old and frail old lion, tired and old, overflowed from every gap.

very pitiful.

Just as I was thinking this, he grabbed my hair and knocked me against the wall.

After dizziness, there is a warm liquid flowing down, itching.

"What do you think you are, and you dare to point fingers at me!"

After finishing speaking, he was finally tired, venting too much made him have no energy, and the hand that lit the cigarette was shaking.

I knew he didn't want to see me stand up, so I lay on my stomach obediently, making a gesture of being hurt by him, but his hands were too trembling, and he didn't light the cigarette a few times, and threw the lighter aside in agitation.

I looked at it for a while, picked up the lighter that fell from one side, and stood on tiptoe to help him light the cigarette.

The director seemed a little surprised, he exhaled a puff of smoke, squinted his eyes in a gesture of enjoyment, then took out an orange candy from his pocket like alms, and threw it on the ground.

"A Huan." He would always call me so affectionately after beating me, and he seemed to be in a good mood because of smoking: "You know that uncle beat you for your own good? It's all because you did something wrong , Uncle has to discipline you."

"No way, in fact, I don't want to."

He looked pitifully.

"Your incompetent mother never even wants to see you except to pay the nursery on time every month."

I squatted down and picked up the candy on the ground, put it in my pocket, and nodded.

"I know, it's all because I made a mistake."

"Okay, let's go in."

Maybe because I was being so good, he even reached out and touched my head.

His hands were large, hot and heavy in the palm.

I tasted the smell of blood in my mouth and tried to swallow it down. The door slammed shut in front of my eyes, and someone threw a few words lightly.

"Emotionless little bastard."

I didn’t move. I touched my eye sockets, but they were still dry. My body was crying out in pain. When I opened my eyes, I could only see a piece of nothingness. It was like floating alone in the vacuum of the universe. Silently.

But I don't feel anything in my chest.

Not upset.

I remembered that there was orange candy in my pocket, I took it out, peeled it off and put it in my mouth, the blood pouring from my nose flowed down my throat, the taste mixed with orange candy was very sweet.

After a day and a night, I was able to come out. The sudden light made my eyes blind for a moment. There was a dry and pale woman standing at the door. Bright.

"You are Gu Zehuan." She covered her mouth and smiled softly, making a shy gesture that didn't match her appearance: "What a beautiful child."

"Madam Director" - I call her politely.

The principal's wife is a painter. She even has a separate studio in the nursery, but no one is allowed in. I only know that there are her paintings in the confessional.

On the painting is an angel strangled to pieces by a pitch-black python.

Later I saw another version of this painting in her studio, the strangled angel with my face, which took me a while to barely make out because I rarely look in the mirror.

Madam seemed to want me to react, and she kept holding my hand tightly.

And when I actually stood in front of that picture, Madam's cheeks were inevitably flushed, her eyes were moist, and she looked like she was about to faint.

"Can you understand my love for you? I believe that if it is you, you will be able to understand." She grabbed my hand and put it to her mouth to kiss. I didn't break away, seeing her tired cheeks trembling all the time, As if touching some incredible miracle, he repeatedly and nervously said to himself: "My God, my God, I can actually touch this child."

Afterwards, I would often be called alone to the director’s wife’s studio, and she always asked me to take off my clothes and lie on the sofa, and then asked me to call her mother.

Madam has a bad temper. She doesn't look like a girl anymore, but her personality is more arrogant and rude than ordinary girls. Sometimes she can't draw something, and she will act like a madman and put everything she can touch in the studio. All smashed to pieces.

She especially dislikes my mother. Occasionally my mother calls, and she will never allow me to answer it, but this is not enough. My wife will still enjoy it that day and try her best to find fault.

For example, throw the necklace in the artificial lake and let me fish it inch by inch, from day to night.

I would coax her, kneel on the ground and rub my cheek against her knee, submissive and coquettish, even if she threw me away or kicked me away, I would still crawl back to her feet.

Only then did she smile, the wrinkles at the corners of her eyes sank deeply, she embraced me tenderly and sweetly, kissed my forehead, her gaze was sweeter and softer than melting ice cream, and she whispered softly: "I love you You, my A Huan, I love you."

"Even if I bully you, humiliate you, and punish you, it's all because I love you."

My wife also beats me from time to time. She is always like this. When she gets angry, she can't control herself. Pointers, cigarette butts, flower pots, water glasses, many of these things are broken on my head and body.

In the studio she occasionally made me read the nursery regulations over and over until I became hoarse and could not speak for days after that—we are disordered, we are sinful, and should be born to suffer, We should follow the dean's will, repent for our ignorance and dirty self, and sing praises for suffering.

When I have a whim, my wife will teach me to draw and write, or hold me in her arms and read story books to me, playing the role of a doting mother tirelessly.

She asked me to call her teacher.

Indeed, she taught me to draw, to write, to read, and to teach me wrong and right, order and chaos, reward and punishment.

She is my teacher.

In fact, there are always activities in the nursery at night, which is still a matter of the future, and the number of people participating is limited, only for children whose parents have not come to visit for a long time.

The director will select a person who violates the order in the institute.

He will be punished for the next month.

At first, the punishment was just a small joke like hiding schoolbags and stationery, but later it gradually became a trick that children find amusing, locking people in the room, tearing up homework, and hiding bugs in hot meals.

Until the next violator appears.

This was originally a very interesting activity, at least it was much more interesting than staying motionless in the lady's studio for most of the day.

But I have to leave today, nothing else, I just feel that such a constant day is boring.

While thinking this way, I went to the corridor, and heard footsteps following me behind me, following me step by step. Looking back, I saw a girl holding a rabbit doll, and said coyly, "I'm sorry."

Huahua apologized to me for my detention. She said that she didn't say that on purpose, but just because she liked me and wanted to get along with me, but when I usually strike up a conversation with me, I always ignore her.

So I was really sad and angry at that time, so I said that.

I nodded, indicating that I understood.

But her cheeks were flushed suddenly, and she wrung her fingers like a mosquito: "Then...then do you like me?"

How I answered her at that time, I can't remember clearly, I probably didn't answer her, or rejected her.

That's why she was very sad, so she turned around and reported to the director that I was going to escape.

"why?"

When I was caught by the director, I asked her a little strangely.

Huahua cried a lot, tears streaming down the road, and she was so pitiful: "Because I like you, but if you run away, you won't come back, and I will never see you again! I would rather You stay here."

The director was furious because I wanted to escape. He thought I was going to call the police, or I was going to seek refuge with my mother. He felt that I had betrayed him.

It hurt like hell.

I lay on the ground thinking.

I thought I would die in endless pain, because the scorching hot smell blocked my internal organs, and it hurt to breathe.

but.

Death is not so easy. The director was tired from beating me up and put me in the confinement room. He asked me to reflect on it, and said that this will be my room from now on.

No one else can visit me either.

When he said this, his chest was trembling violently. After a while, he took out the cigarette case from his pocket, took a puff, and gradually recovered: "Don't blame me, I'm disciplining you on behalf of your mother. You should know my wife How much she likes you, how can she be willing to let you leave her."

"It's just that you are not good and did something wrong to treat you like this."

"We all like you, just like you."

The door closed again under my watchful eyes, with perfect fit.

This time there is no orange candy.

I thought to myself not without loss.

The cramped and narrow room without the sun, nothing, windows, moonlight, breathing, so quiet that the ears seem to be able to gradually hear the humming sound of machinery.

There will be an illusion that my own existence is also eroded by the darkness for a moment. Only the scarlet light is shining on the ground. After sitting for a long time, I have accumulated some strength in my limbs before slowly crawling over. It is the cigarette that the director just dropped.

I put it in my mouth and smoked it slowly and solemnly.

So astringent, so bitter.

My unbearable body screamed and hurt so much, I thought I couldn't sleep, but I still fell asleep gradually, and I had no dreams all night.

It was several days before I was released, and Madam became increasingly moody and restless when she heard the news that I was leaving.

Sometimes I think about it.

why me?

Not anyone else but me.

But I can't get an answer.

"If you want to blame, blame your mother for not wanting you." My wife always said to me after she lost her temper: "She doesn't want to see you, she doesn't love you at all, how can a person who really loves his child be willing to let him Leave it to the others."

So why does my mother hate me - "You are exactly like your father."

But everything about the father is absolutely forbidden at home.

My mother's love and hatred for me stemmed from that man.

Her love and fear, avoidance and dislike.

They are all the fruits planted by the father and the flowers planted.

But I don't know anything about my father.

My wife noticed my distraction and kicked me on the shoulder. I knelt down and apologized to her for my rudeness: "I'm sorry mom."

"What were you thinking just now?"

Her eyes were bright and aggressive.

"Just thinking about your painting."

But I lied, lowered my eyelashes, and spoke softly.

Only then did she seem satisfied, and she took me into her arms again. The lady had a rotten and tired old air, like moss growing in a damp basement, she murmured: "You should know that I love you, right? A Huan, I love you so much, I am willing to die for you."

"Even if I bully you, humiliate you, and punish you, it's all because I love you."

I followed her and repeated in my heart, even if I bully you, humiliate you, and punish you, all of this is because I love you.

It looked like it was going to go on forever, but no, because the teacher found my scars in gym class.

Usually, I would use foundation and concealer to cover the bruises, but I didn’t have it that day, and some of it was washed off when I washed my hands. This is what my wife taught me. She is a painter, and she is always very handy in doing these things.

The teacher called me to the office alone, and told me seriously that no matter what happened, I could tell him, and he would help me.

I did not speak.

After I left, he contacted my mother. My mother didn't complain, didn't call the police, and didn't take me back to her side. She just sent me living expenses every month on time and told the teacher that he hoped he would take good care of me. .

Just like that, I left that place.

Probably because I felt guilty, the head teacher has always been very tolerant and caring for me since then. I can't adapt to the boarding life. It may be because I lived in the confinement room for too long, and I couldn't fall asleep with someone beside me.

So the class teacher asked someone to help me rent a small single room nearby.

He will often ask me if I have any money left, and he will pay attention to whether my clothes are clean and whether my shoes are broken.

He loves to touch my hair, ears, and chin, and his fingers gradually run down my neck.

"Dong dong dong."

There was a knock on the door, and once there was an outsider, he returned to his nonchalant look and smiled at me.

"If you're okay, Huan, you can go first, the teacher still has some things to deal with."

I nodded, turned around and left, and when I got home, I saw many packages again, and I took the trouble to throw all the packages into the trash can, including the letter on it.

On the second day, I went to school to meet the teacher. He was talking to other people. When he saw me coming, he greeted me with a smile on his face, but he paused when his eyes touched my clothes.

He stared at me for so long that the others found it strange and called his name repeatedly.

The class teacher came back to his senses and smiled at me apologetically.

"After school today, can you come to the teacher's office alone?"

In late autumn, the evening was already dark, and it was very quiet when I opened the door and walked in. I knew the teacher was sitting somewhere, so I walked over.

He was still at the original station, but his smile was a little tired: "Why don't you change into new clothes."

"Say it!" He gritted his teeth, and suddenly stood up and grabbed my neckline: "Didn't I buy you new clothes? Why don't you wear them! How long are you going to ignore me!"

I stared at him for a while, and then lowered my eyes again. He suddenly became angry and slapped me. After the slap, he lost his backbone without warning, his spine collapsed, and his voice became quieter.

"Is it because I was too fierce and scared you, I'm sorry, A Huan, I didn't intend to hurt you."

"I just like you too much."

"It's all your fault, it's your fault, not mine, I didn't want to do it." He hugged me into his arms, murmured nervously, repeating it over and over again, chewing through the gum blood: "I'm not wrong, I'm not wrong, I just like you too much, love you too much."

I love you, that's why I do this, you understand?

he told me.