"Slag" is right

"In fact, I have always had the urge to not want to live, since I was very young. I have always been curious, the urge to self-destruction comes from an innate instinct - I always think that people's genes can determine many things that cannot be changed by the day after tomorrow. Things, tall and short, fat and thin, and even personality, are still the acquired environment.

"You know my family environment, my parents have high expectations, and the pressure of sibling competition. Many of my problems stem from this environment. The most obvious one is that I want to get the attention of others, and I will use extreme methods. Exaggerated behavior. But in all fairness, they treated me well. They have not treated me badly in material terms, nor have they abused me physically. If it is higher than the lower limit, it is much higher than the lower limit of many parents.

"The first time was in the third year of junior high school. I still remember that the weather was fine that day, and nothing happened. This kind of irresistible urge came out suddenly. Because I had no experience, I only cut a few incisions and bled a little. Bleeding, it stopped bleeding on its own. The second time was in high school, I remember that time very clearly, because of the skateboard thing, my dad smashed my skateboard, I want them to regret it. But halfway through, they might not I will regret it, maybe my life will be more comfortable without this thorn in my side, so I will regret it."

Lu Yi took Nan Nan's left hand, stroked the tattoo on the inside of his left arm with his fingers, raised his hand again, and kissed the scars formed after the skin was cut.

"Doesn't it hurt?"

"It's not very painful. Maybe it's because I'm not very sensitive to pain, otherwise I wouldn't be able to skateboard."

Lu Yi didn't know why Nan Nan suddenly said this, it was just an ordinary night.These two days have been cold and the temperature has dropped sharply. Fortunately, the city has started heating.They nestled in the warm sofa, Nan Nan was watching TV, Lu Yi held his laptop to deal with work, suddenly Nan turned off the TV and talked about these things.

Lu thought he wanted some comfort.He put the notebook on his lap on the coffee table, and opened his arms, and Nan crawled over meekly, leaning against his arms, and the two squeezed together.Lu Yi bowed his head and kissed the top of his head: "Don't do this kind of thing in the future." It was his usual sad expression again, he was used to this expression, and successfully escaped from Cheng Jinwen's vortex, but still didn't Get rid of that layer of tragic color.

Nan Nan couldn't see Lu Yi's face, and didn't know his expression. He just leaned on his arms and looked at the void, and continued: "The third time was in the junior year. You know the process of cutting your wrists is very long. You have a lot of time to regret it, and human beings are a kind of animals that swing left and right, very tangled and contradictory, and the decision made in one second is overturned in the next second. I don’t want to give myself the possibility of regret this time, I chose the roof The teaching building has a total of eight floors. This height is just right. Every one or two years there will be a student who jumps from the building. All of them have succeeded, and I think I will too.

Lu Yi's arms tightened suddenly, and Nan Nan felt that he was going to say something, and said first: "You think I'm hypocritical, and you always say death or something. I also think I'm so funny," Na Nan said with a sneer I said twice, "I went to Anding Hospital to see, I don't have depression, I don't have any problems, really, I just feel meaningless. Once I have this kind of thought and overcome the fear of death, it seems to be a matter of course .

"Don't worry, I don't think so now, and now I feel that life still has some meaning, at least I have to be with you, right?

"It was at this time last year, a few days later, I can't remember the exact time, I just remember that there was a lot of snow. The snow on the ground was cleared quickly, but the snow on the roof kept accumulating, and it creaked when I stepped on it. In those few days, I went to the roof of the building every day. I didn’t have any plans. I just waited for the whim. But every day at noon, I could meet the teacher there. There is a desk, and I don’t know who put it there. He tidied up the desk, arranged a few lunch boxes every day, and sat there as if no one was eating lunch.

"At first I thought it was some student who was being bullied. This kind of thing doesn't happen in general colleges. We all grow up, but it's not unusual for this kind of thing to happen in school. But his appearance is obviously not A student, and he eats very well, you can smell the aroma from a distance, and you can see the richness of the food. I looked at him very strangely, and I thought he looked at me the same way. But then I found out that he didn't notice me at all. Maybe at that time we were all in our own world and didn't bother each other.

"But that day, it was a morning, there was sunshine, and the snow on the roof had almost melted. I suddenly felt that at that time, I was standing on the edge of the roof. The railing was very high, and it reached my chest, and there was barbed wire on it. It is not easy to turn it out. But there is no way to turn it over. Any precaution can only prevent accidents but not deliberation. I stood there, the wind was so strong that my face was numb, and suddenly there was a voice behind him, he asked What grade and class do I belong to, who is the counselor, and what do I do here.

"He startled me.

"When I turned around, he handed me a bottle of hot coffee and said that students can't go to the roof. It's very windy and cold here. He told me to go back to the classroom quickly. I had no choice but to go back to the classroom."

Lu Yi gently grabbed Nan Nan's hair with one hand, and stretched his hand through his neckline to caress aimlessly.

"Is that how you fell in love with Wen Jianming?"

Nan Nan didn't answer the question directly: "Later, I paid attention to him. I knew what he taught, what grade he taught, how old he was, where he lived, etc. I also knew that he was gay, and his wife came to the school to make trouble. I know that the leaders of the school don’t like him, especially my mother, who happens to be the director of their liberal arts school. I often hear my parents talking about him at home, anyway, they are all ugly words.

"I sympathized with him at that time. I felt that he was exactly like me. He must have lived a very boring, depressed and boring life. He must also have no friends like me, was not understood, and was very lonely." Nan Nan began to laugh when he said this. , "I think I can be friends with him, I can save him, I can love him, so I fell in love with him." Nan Nan laughed more and more, his shoulders kept shaking, his voice was trembling, "But that's not the case, it's the opposite."

Lu Yi understood what Nan Nan meant, it wasn't that he wanted to save Wen Jianming, he wanted to love Wen Jianming, but he thought Wen Jianming was the same kind as him, and hoped that Wen Jianming would save him and love him, but this Neither hope nor affection can be found, and he can only sink deeper and deeper in this longing.How poor and pathetic he is.

However, Lu Yi didn't have any intention of comforting him, but his heart was a little blocked, he let go of Nan: "Get up, my arm is sore."

Nan Nan got up from his arms, and Lu Yi also got up from the sofa.Rubbing his shoulders, he went back into the room and closed the door.

--

Wen Jianming has not appeared for a long time, and there is no news, no matter what he thinks in his heart, but he is a person who will do what he says, and Lu Yi never doubts this.

During this period of time, Nan Nan was in a depressed mood, often holding her mobile phone in a daze, and was not interested in anything.Of course Lu Yi knew the reason for this, and he also knew what Nan Nan meant when he suddenly said those words to him that night. It was nothing more than a tactful request to Lu Yi to reconcile with Wen Jianming and let him return to them.

But this time Lu Yi didn't want to do it.He doesn't hate Wen Jianming, and he can't even express any real dissatisfaction with the life of the three of them together. There is no problem with him alone, but as long as Na Nan appears at the same time, he will feel Feel uncomfortable.At first, he couldn't bear Wen Jianming's indifferent neglect of Na Nan, and when Wen Jianming was no longer so indifferent, he couldn't bear Na Nan's enthusiasm for courting Wen Jianming.In short, this kind of incongruity, incompatibility, and unequal emotion makes him uncomfortable.

Na Nan is the same as him in the past, unable to make this decision.Just like Na Nan helped him make a decision, this time Lu Yi decided to help him.Temporary sadness is for sure, and it will be better if it lasts longer.Nan Nan won't go through his own hardships, because he and Cheng Jinwen had too many in-depth intersections in the past, while Nan Nan and Wen Jianming, one is just an illusory projection, and the other doesn't even bother to put on a show.If Nan Nan had a higher self-esteem, he would have given up long ago.

Let it go, that's what's best for everyone.

The first snowfall of this year was in December. In the afternoon, it was just small snow particles, and in the evening, it suddenly turned into heavy snow. After a while, the surfaces of all the high and low objects in the community were covered with a layer.

Lu Yi stood on the balcony watching the snow outside.The new house is almost finished, and I will put it away for a while, and I will be able to move in in the spring of next year.By next spring, he should never be able to think of Cheng Jinwen again.In the new environment, Nan should also forget about Wen Jianming.

Nan Nan returned very early today, before the snow fell in the afternoon, but she stayed in her room all the time, only coming out for a while at dinner.Lu Yi pressed the cigarette butts in his hands into the flowerpots on the balcony. The plants in the flowerpots were bought by Wen Jianming, and they had long since withered, leaving only a pile of dry soil, and none of them bothered to move them down and throw them away.

He knocked on Nan Nan's door, and when he got the answer, he opened the door and went in.Nan Nan didn't do anything, just lying on the bed and looking at the phone.

"what to do?"

"Nothing." Nan Nan stuffed the phone under the pillow and stood up.

Lu Yi walked to him and sat down: "Next week is Christmas, can you ask for leave?"

"Yes, what can I do?"

"Should we go out to play? Christmas, New Year's Day, find a warmer place to stay for a few days."

"Just me?"

"Who else do you want to be with?" Lu Yi asked knowingly.

"I don't want to ask anyone to join me." Nan Nan replied insincerely.

The phone under the pillow was ringing, and Nan Nan took it out to answer the phone. The club called, probably about work.He answered a few words, and after hanging up, the screen flickered to black, but Lu Yi still saw Wen Jianming's photo.