salt by salt

The doctor Yang Chen took me to see was surnamed Wu. Before he came, we sat in the warmly furnished reception room and waited.I read his excellent resume carefully. The man in the photo looks serious and stable, about 30 years old, and just a photo reveals a "typical psychiatrist" temperament.

"He has had many successful treatment cases, and he can definitely cure you." Yang Chen said with certainty behind me, "As long as you cooperate—"

"Of course I cooperate." I interrupted him, shrugging my shoulders indifferently, "How long will we have to wait?"

"Sorry to keep you waiting."

As soon as the words were finished, the door was pushed open, and Dr. Wu smiled at us apologetically.He is much gentler and younger than he looks in the photos.The timing was so good that I almost wondered if he had been waiting outside the door to come in as soon as he heard a complaint.But this idea is so nonsensical that it can only be thought of in the mind.

I was not interested, so I looked away after glancing at him, put my hands in my pockets and continued to read all kinds of books in the bookcase.Yang Chen stood up and shook hands with him. He was always mature and reliable in front of outsiders. He briefly introduced: "Doctor Wu, I'm sorry for disrupting your arrangement, but it happened suddenly. I'm Yang Chen, and this is my lover Xu Junyan. "

He spoke calmly, and Dr. Wu did not show any surprise at all. He smiled and said, "Mr. Yang, hello. It's okay, I understand. Is Xu Junyan right? Hello, it's the first time we meet, let me introduce myself, my name is Wu Mian."

He held out his hand to me, intending to shake it with me.I took a look at Yang Chen, he was very possessive, and when we were with him, he almost took over all my right to speak.But this time he didn't say anything, so I held Dr. Wu's hand and said softly, "Hello."

"We are friends when we know each other. Toshihiko—may I call you that? Let's go in and talk?"

Dr. Wu's enthusiasm seemed to emanate from the bottom of his heart, and his tone made people feel very comfortable.I knew I was going to go in to receive "talk therapy", so I opened the door and went to the inner room without saying anything.Yang Chen sat down outside the door, and raised his chin when I looked back: "Cooperate well."

The door closed behind me, and in the middle of the room were a few soft beige sofas, with some cute and playful doll pillows on them.From the window, you can see the street scene downstairs. Dr. Wu walked to the window and said, "Jun Yan, sit whatever you want, do you like it brighter or darker?"

"Let's make it darker."

Today's weather is so good, the bright sun is a bit harsh.Dr. Wu put down the curtains and turned on the indoor light. The soft light and the hazy sunlight from the window made the room feel safe, making people want to take a good night's sleep.

After asking about my preferences, Dr. Wu poured me tea, and sat opposite me holding a cup of hot milk.With a gentle demeanor, he started the conversation as if he was chatting with an old friend, and chatted with me about some daily chores.I'm basically tired of this kind of routine, he can answer whatever he asks, and I don't reject communicating with outsiders, but I can't help but be frustrated by their circuitous and cautious attitude.Dr. Wu probably sensed my state, and gradually cut into some sensitive issues.

"Has Mr. Yang always been like this?" Dr. Wu looked outside the house. Through the one-way glass here, you can see Yang Chen flipping through magazines in front of the bookshelf, with a handsome profile outlined on his profile, "He seems to be very used to arranging for you. Some things, he brought you here today."

"Yeah." My voice was very soft, "He is omnipotent."

Dr. Wu looked up at me and said in a low voice, "I think everyone wants to make their own decisions at some point, right?"

I was silent for a moment, and the words I said unknowingly carried a bit of bitter taste: "Yang Chen can do anything as long as he wants."

Dr. Wu said thoughtfully, looking at his figure: "Mr. Yang's excellence, which is different from ordinary people, often brings a lot of pressure to his partner."

"It's okay." I said, "Just get used to it."

This topic is a bit difficult to carry on, I don't want to discuss Yang Chen too much, Doctor Wu gestured to me for his empty milk glass, and when pouring milk for himself, he naturally changed the subject: "Junyan, what do you do now?"

"I work in a company, and I also do some art-related business in my free time." Speaking of this, I am excited. The progress of the exhibition has been going smoothly recently. The general plan has been confirmed, and I just need to fill in some icing on the cake details.Moreover, the new assistant recruited is a girl who graduated from the Academy of Fine Arts with a Ph.D. She has strong working ability and has many fresh ideas, which makes me very satisfied. "I usually do some exhibition planning. Although it is very tiring, it is very interesting."

Dr. Wu said seriously: "Really? I'm also very interested in this aspect, can you tell me in detail?"

Although I know that he may deliberately understand my preferences for the treatment results, but Dr. Wu's tone is really sincere, which looks very similar to that.And I still want to share the latest results with others, so as to get the public's opinion from the eyes of outsiders.

I turned on my phone and found a few photos that did not involve internal information, and introduced to him: "This exhibition is planned to open in the second half of the year. The main exhibition is modern art works. There are three main divisions: photography, painting, and sculpture. How many times can you see?" The exhibits that have been confirmed to be exhibited are all newly imported from abroad. And this one, this one just won the Emerging Photography Award..."

We chatted for a while, and found that Dr. Wu did not agree casually.Not only is he an amateur photographer, but he has also published his own collection of poems, many of which he doesn't need my introduction to understand.After listening to me, Dr. Wu said with admiration: "Junyan, you are really amazing. After being introduced by you, I think this exhibition is very valuable and innovative. I must go and see it."

I smiled and said, "I will send you an invitation letter at that time, and there will be an auction later."

"The career is doing so well, now let's talk about love again." Dr. Wu smiled at me with a calm tone, "Junyan, how do you think you get along with Mr. Yang?"

I paused: "It's okay."

He continued unhurriedly: "Can you tell me your love story? I want to know more."

……Again.

Talk about the family of origin, talk about past experiences, and talk about your own thoughts.Why do you want to commit suicide?What kind of injury?What are you sad about?As long as you open your heart, you will be able to find out the root cause of the disease, and then work together to solve this problem.

I tried to resolve family conflicts when I saw my first therapist.I didn't tell the truth, but I just told him that his parents were separated, and that he was not seen by his relatives since he was a child.He enthusiastically suggested that I communicate with my family members, get in touch with my parents more, and tried to let my family members and I have face-to-face conversations with his help.I tried to imagine the scene where Mr. Xu and I looked at each other, almost a room where we fled in despair.

Regarding the so-called "parental discord", I can't tell the deeper reasons, let alone open my mouth.

It's a shame I'm going to hide for the rest of my life.

Later, I changed several psychological counselors, and the one that lasted the longest was a stern yet gentle female doctor.It took me a long time to build trust with her, and I removed the real name of the story about Yang Chen and told her intermittently.She provided me with many suggestions, but I rejected them one by one.I don't care whether I go to Yang Chen to confess and get his apology or face Xue Keming to repay the hurt.

Our last conversation was on the playground.

I said there was a hole in my heart where the cold wind was blowing and nothing could fill it.In order not to let the pain occupy my heart, I had no choice but to run desperately around the track, one lap, two laps, ten laps... When I ran, there was only the wind blowing past my ears, and if I couldn't think, I wouldn't suffer.When I finally collapsed from exhaustion, she walked up to me with a long sigh and sad eyes.

"I feel sad every time I feel powerless... Toshihiko, I'm sorry I can't help you."

"It's okay." It took me a long time to find my voice, "At least you made me think clearly about one thing."

She made me finally understand the pointlessness of mending wounds.I can't be cured, otherwise the current Xu Junyan will fall apart.

Pain no longer divides me.It ended up being part of who I am.

"We...have no love story." I came back to my senses and said vaguely, "It's very ordinary. We used to be at the same table in high school. After graduating from university, we got in touch again, and we got together after we became acquainted. "

"Although I didn't know you Junyan before, I still heard about Mr. Yang." I suddenly remembered that Dr. Wu should be recommended by Yang Chen's buddy, so it's not surprising to know Yang Chen. Hearing him say, "Mr. Yang seems to have a bad temper in the rumors."

I lowered my eyes: "He lived a life full of stars since he was a child, and it's normal to be grumpy. But he hasn't treated me very badly recently, but he doesn't care much about people yet."

"He used to..." He grasped the flaws in my words, but smiled apologetically at me before asking further, "Sorry, I didn't mean to pry into your privacy deliberately, it's okay if you don't want to say it."

"It wasn't too bad before." I was a little distracted, and Dr. Wu has been patiently waiting for my next words.It took me a long time before I said, "After all, he is Yang Chen, and he will be paid for whatever he wants. But this was all a long time ago, it's nothing interesting, it's just high school students playing around... let's talk Anything else."

Three hours later, I drank a lot of tea and ate snacks, but I didn't feel dry mouth.Dr. Wu smiled: "It's noon, let's stop this morning, let's talk again when we have time. Junyan, you are very interesting, and I look forward to meeting you next time."

"Maybe we won't meet again." I was silent for a moment, "Yang Chen should have told you about my situation before coming here."

Dr. Wu's conversation skills are superb, guiding and controlling the topic intentionally or unintentionally.Although I carefully avoided some verbal traps, I felt that he should have a preliminary judgment on my situation after a morning.

Sure enough, he paused, and said helplessly: "Junyan, you are very clear-headed, and you have a very accurate grasp of your own state. Just like what you said just now...you get along very well with your depression."

"It's just getting used to it," I said, "How do you feel about me now?"

"The specifics can't be determined directly based on my subjective opinion, but it is somewhat different from the moderate depression that Mr. Yang told me." He said, "Are you willing to tell me the truth?"

"I was teasing him, but I didn't expect him to believe it so stupidly. I've been off the drug for four months, so I'm afraid I'll die a long time ago, so I can still talk to you here?" I stretched my waist, casually Said, "But it's not all a lie. I did for a while. At that time, suicide was just an instinct. After two years of medicine and six hours of professional psychological intervention twice a week...how should I say it? It's a living Come down. I'm better now."

Dr. Wu asked in a low voice, "Can you tell me how you got better?"

"Before that, can you not tell Yang Chen the truth? Although he pays for the psychological consultation, I am your patient." I glanced at Yang Chen who was sitting on the sofa in the waiting room and reading a book, "He If you find out that I have been tricked, you will definitely get angry with me. You can tell him that your treatment is very effective, and I have improved a lot. In this way, I have also gained his attention, and we have a win-win situation.”

He pondered for a moment: "Junyan, I don't think you are the one who needs to use this method to win the attention of your lover."

I was at a loss for words for a moment: "Well... love makes people blind, Yang Chen has many other suitors around him, I want him to only look at me."

These words made me feel goosebumps. Dr. Wu seemed to notice the bluntness of my explanation, but he didn't pursue it: "Okay. In exchange, I would like to invite you to have a psychological evaluation and talk to me the next time I come. Some real reasons. Fortunately, at least until the exhibition you curate is completed, you should not give up your life.”

It turned out that he had discovered that I was doing Tai Chi a long time ago, and he still talked with me for so long.I nodded: "Thank you, Doctor Wu."

He asked: "You haven't told me why you suddenly got better? Because the knot in your heart has been untied?"

"No..." I shook my head, "Because something happened. Oh, I'm hungry, let's go eat, we'll talk about it next time."

Doctor Wu reluctantly opened the door and sent me out: "Don't forget next time."

"No." Yang Chen put down his book and walked towards me. I turned around and smiled at Dr. Wu, "I always remember."

There were days in April that year that were unnaturally hot.Originally, I just went to the bar to drink some wine to numb myself as usual, when a good-looking man came over to strike up a conversation, and I chatted with him in a good mood.Unexpectedly, the symptoms suddenly broke out, and I was so uncomfortable that I could hardly breathe.It was hard to find the medicine bottle, because the cap was not tightened the day before, and the remaining pills exposed to the air were stuck together, and it was a lump when it fell down.I swallowed an overdose of medicine, stuck in my throat with a dull pain.

He bought me drink after glass, and the burning temperature seemed to relieve the pain in the heart and throat.I longed for a hug too much, and regardless of the strange eyes around me, I clung to that person's skirt and cried bitterly.He kept patting me on the back soothingly, giving me a trance-like peace of mind in my daze, covering up the weirdness caused by this overly kind stranger.

The next day I woke up in a hotel bed.