salt by salt

I don't know when, I am no longer me.

The powerlessness and exhaustion smoldering in my heart pushed me to the brink of teetering.

I inhaled, and inhaled again, trying to persuade myself to calm down.When I was holding the steering wheel, my eyes went black for a while, and the pain surged up, like a storm tossed over the sea, never calming down.

Wu Mian suddenly appeared in the co-pilot's seat, popping out like a white rabbit in a magician's hat, illogical and inexplicably reasonable.

He frowned slightly, and said with a serious listening attitude, you have to save yourself.

I ask him why?

Why save yourself?I don't understand, why is this done to me?

Every bit of my longing for love is a bleeding wound, an abyss of desire.It eats me in the dark, chews me, swallows me, tears me, corrupts me, makes me rotten, pain-numbing, sickening.

"Many people live well without being loved", but I have never been loved, not even once.

Not once.

Not once!

"Xu Junyan, you have to save yourself."

Wu Mian's voice was very soft, but with a firm meaning.His lips opened and closed: "Live, you can't die, it's not your fault."

I just thought that he seemed to be blown away by the mountain wind coming in from the car window, and he really disappeared slowly in the air, leaving the passenger seat empty.

It's not my fault.

It's not my fault, whose is it?

It's not my mother's fault, my mother gave me life, she was abandoned first.

It's not the Xu family's fault, they raised me up, they have done their best.

It's not Xu Yucheng's fault, he gave me the warmth I wanted most.

It's not Yang Chen's fault, he's still young, he just doesn't know how to love.

It's not Song Cheng's fault, it's me who lied to him first.

It's not Andre's fault, he's still young and sometimes behaves childishly, a brother needs to understand.

It's not the world's fault, the world has no malice, it doesn't care.

So it was my fault.

My fault.

I don't know what I really want yet, but I know I shouldn't be a fish in a fishbowl.Even if I can live well here, I still long to leave.

But where can a flopping goldfish go?

"We raise our paintbrush, not for others, but for ourselves."

The art teacher who was transferred from my side because of visiting Xu's house had kind eyes.He watched everyone sitting in the studio of the Children's Palace, and stopped when he passed me.

I feel dry palms on top of my head and gently stroke my hair.

"You can only paint the world in your own eyes. Every painting is a way for others to understand you." He said, "Don't be shy to express, expression is the basis of understanding. I don't know what you see, I hope From today on, you can tell me with the pen in your hand."

I dragged my stiff legs and got out of the car. Standing on the top of the mountain, I could see the outline of the city in the distance, shrouded in a faint mist.

For some reason, the first lesson that teacher taught me is still vivid in my memory.

"It's good that you all come to learn painting out of interest. A person's life is very short, and it is a blessing to be able to choose to study the field you like. Welcome to my class. In the next few years, I will I've been here to teach you."

Putting his hands on my shoulders, I heard his tone full of expectation: "Students, you have a great future, just like this blank canvas in front of you, let go of your restraints and let's sway your colors to your heart's content."

I was sitting in front of the easel, just like I am standing on the edge of the cliff now, my back is very straight and tight.

In my bones, I yearn for attention and respect, but I have to pretend not to care.But I can't be self-deprecating, even though people around me expect me to be--no one actually wants me to be, I should be honest--that's what I wish I was heartless , A fool who doesn't know what love is, can avoid most of the pain.

The pain of wanting to be treated as an equal, the pain of escaping reality with the guise of frivolity, and the pain of taking myself too seriously when no one cares who I am.

People don't change because they want to, they change because they are desperate.

It's just that I'm a coward who's done with everything.Nature is hard to change.

I can't help but imagine myself living a different life, spending my whole life in an ordinary way.Like a goldfish eager to get out of the puddle and take to the sky.

The sun was shining today, with white clouds melting into the blue sky.

The girl I dated in college likes swimming, and I have accompanied her to the swimming pool many times.I thought my memory was fuzzy, but at this moment I can clearly remember her beautiful white body tightly wrapped in a bright red swimsuit, and her wet eyes when she lay on the edge of the pool and looked up at me.

"The best way to relieve your troubles is to jump into the water and swim desperately. When you go upstream, the water will flow by your side, which is very comfortable. I can't think of any uncomfortable things in the water. Junyan, don't just sit by the side, you Come down and try."

I don't like swimming, but because of what she said, I told Yang Chen on the rooftop that I would commit suicide by jumping into the sea at the age of 29.

At that time, I thought too romantically, as if I had enough energy to choose carefully before I died.Actually no.When getting to the finish line becomes an urgent instinct, people don't care too much about the decent way.

I thought about leaving a suicide note, but I had nothing to say.There was no anger, no thought, no concern, and even the person "Xu Junyan" was completely destroyed and ceased to exist.

Birth was not my wound, it was a scar, a long-lasting sequelae.I have no choice but to surrender to it.

"Can't write well? It's okay, brother will teach you."

A long time ago, I practiced handwriting with Xu Yucheng. With hard work and talent, he can be called perfect in everything he does. No matter how hard I work, I can't match it.At that time, I didn't know how to endure emotions. When I was discouraged, I threw the brush on the table and refused to continue saying anything.

Xu Yucheng went around the desk and stood beside me. Because he was a child, he was only a little taller than me, and he was only able to hold my hand on tiptoe to practice flicking and flicking.

With the mountain wind blowing on his cheeks, his voice was not as deep and soft as later, and seemed a little immature: "Every stroke can't be sloppy, isn't it much better? Write one for me to see."

I gazed at the bottomless bottom, and even though it was shrouded in a deep green, I could imagine the sharp and jagged appearance of the piles of rocks.There are so many rocks at the bottom of the mountain, it must be very painful to fall.

Xu Yucheng smiled lightly, and his voice seemed to come back to my ears from afar: "Junyan, don't hesitate, come on."

I close my eyes and take a step forward.

The wind rushing into my mouth was so dry that it was almost painful. The air flow hugged my open arms and lifted me to fly in the air, just like water flowing around me when going upstream.

Goldfish should choose the fish tank, because it will die in the sky.The moment I fell, tears rolled down my face unconsciously, and I suddenly realized that I still wanted to live, but I had to die.

And it's too late, I can't stop.