puppy love [disheartened]

Are love and affection really the same concept?Sometimes I wonder why I never want to admit that the relationship between us is called love?

I am a post-zero child. On March 2020, 3, I became what people call "cp" with a girl.

"cp" means a couple, and there is a saying that it is different from the object.But in the eyes of adults, I fell in love with a girl.

"depression"

At the beginning of 2020, the epidemic broke out everywhere. I was in Jiangsu, and the control was very strict.During that time, my days were full of despair, not because of the epidemic, but because of my parents who loved me.

Parents do not go to work, which means that there is delicious food every day, and the house will not be so deserted when I am alone.But at the same time, it means endless words from parents who dislike and inadvertently make me sad for no reason.

I am not a good girl.He is not a person who loves to learn, is lively, cheerful and optimistic.I don't know why, but everyone around me is better than me in various aspects.

If I'm lazy, there are people who are better than me in life; if I don't want to learn, there must be someone who wants to learn and has good academic performance; if I speak bluntly or don't like to talk too much, there are children who are more sensible, talkative and filial than me.

Of course, my parents are not bad to me.

Yes, it may be more susceptible.I remember at that time, it was raining every day, and when the rain stopped, it would be covered with dark clouds. In short, I was very depressed.Then I will occasionally be a little impulsive, and I will think of some extreme methods when encountering difficulties or accusations.At that time, it was not as serious as depression, but I would have a thought of "I am completely disappointed in this society".

Then I would scratch my wrist with my nails over and over again until the skin was broken, and even swollen and purple... I just feel uncomfortable every day and want to cry.

I will have a place where I can calm down.I write novels on my mobile phone when I have free time, and I use a dialogue fiction software at that time.

And then I met that girl.

Actually, I didn’t have a few words with that girl, but due to the lack of that kind of comfort and concern at that time, I asked her a week after I met her, “I think you are very good to me, are you in CP?”

At that time, I didn't expect that she would agree so quickly, so I was very happy.

I'm a person who doesn't have much to talk to, but I chatted with her for an hour or two, and I was very happy and laughed a lot every time.The feeling of wanting to cry and pain is gone soon.

At that time, I was thinking, if she can accompany me to the summer vacation, then I can "cure".

Tanabata

In this way, a semester passed, and I did well in the final exam of that semester.But she didn't do well in the entrance exam.

During that summer vacation, she took a summer job, and we rarely had the chance to chat.

"Hey, why are you busy again?"

"It's not big or small. I'm training, we'll talk later. Be good," she said.

"Hanhan, don't ignore me. I'm too late at night and I don't have a mobile phone, so I can't chat with you." I feel a little wronged.

"Okay, okay, I didn't ignore you. I'll finish my work soon, Feifei." Afterwards, she finished her work as quickly as possible, got off work early that day, and called me at eight o'clock.

"Let me tell you, the leader is so angry. My best friend and I came together, but she left. I am so lonely by myself." She once said to me like this.

"Since the leader is angry, then don't be angry. Are you off work?" I asked.

"I'm not going either."

At that time, I felt that Zi Han was a little lacking in concentration, of course, it was just "a little bit".So I spent the rest of the time comforting and chatting about family matters.

Since then, we will still write books together as before, comment on each other's books, and hate each other.There is nothing wrong with that.

Later, I spent the first Qixi Festival that only belonged to us with her.Even though we were in different places, she also prepared a small gift for me, and we exchanged emotions and vows in the space.I personally made a MV, I don’t have many friends, but they all wish us well.

She commented on that post, "Little fool, I hope every Chinese Valentine's Day will be you in the future."

accident + birthday

The cool wind blows away the heat, and the golden autumn arrives late.

It's another semester, it's the graduating class.There was another class, and I hardly knew anyone in the class.

Graduation class was tough, my parents confiscated my cell phone, making it impossible for me to contact Zi Han.

But on weekends, I would still quietly look at the chat box between me and her, and I saw her sending intermittently, such words as "good morning", "good afternoon" and "good night".It's very short, and not every day and every time period, but even so, I am very satisfied.After all, she can still remember you every day when you are not around, can't she?And the ten likes every day have never stopped.

Because I miss her, I also want my classmates to help me "pass the message".

At the beginning, it was a fair-looking girl in the previous class. I was tired of her the whole second year of high school, but it really didn't have any other relationship.

But we were not in the same class in the third year of high school, so there were fewer opportunities to meet each other.I'm also afraid of bothering others too much.

I seem to be a person who likes to take care of fair and lovely girls by nature.That's something I've always been proud of.

Later, I made new friends and got in touch with a classmate through the new friends. (Note: It's not that kind of good.)

At that time, Zihan's birthday was coming soon, and I wanted to ask someone to deliver the courier for me. Student H can be said to be very happy.

That's what led to the ending.

That day we put the courier in the "Cainiao Station", H is a very cheerful girl, she helped me operate step by step.Afterwards we ate Mala Tang again.

Our family is considered to be a half-cook family, and my parents forbid me to eat outside food. (Although it is not clearly stipulated) It was the first time I ate Malatang. It was delicious, but it was not as good as the hot pot at home.

"I don't know how to order."

"Have you never eaten before?"

"My dad said that the food outside is unhealthy, especially this kind of small shop. In addition to eating barbecue in my family, I went out to eat in the regular store that my dad said, and I made the rest at home." I explained.

"Fart." She took a sip of the soup and continued, "My mother and I often go out to eat, and there's nothing wrong with it. And you know, eating out creates atmosphere."

I have no idea.The vibe in my dictionary is that of a family together.Watching my father put the meat piece by piece on the newly bought equipment to try new dishes.There are the noises of the little sister playing, and the mother who will speak badly at any time.

It would be great if Zihan was there in this scene, I think.

But it's unlikely in the short term, I'm separated from her by the whole of Zhejiang.

After half a month, I can suddenly accept the atmosphere in H's mouth.Because she told me that she is a single-parent family.

I had sympathy for H at the time, and I kind of wanted to "use" her.I've never been a good friend because I think a lot for a long, long time.But it cannot be said that H has no friendship.

On the night of Zihan's birthday, a friend of mine from class three sent Zihan a friend request, writing "Happy Birthday" on it and marking it as my post.The girl kept her promise and sent it for me.But during the day, I was afraid of accidents, so I asked H to help me.At twelve o'clock in the evening, H posted on time, and chatted with Zi Han for a long time.

When I set the time at twelve o'clock, I wished her a happy birthday in the space, and edited a picture for her. Although I was childish, I also put my heart into it.I said, "I hope to spend every birthday with you in the future." I also followed suit, "I will like you, until you don't like me anymore, then I will leave you and give you back your freedom."

In this way, her birthday passed.

H is not a good student, but in the eyes of the teacher, he is considered to be a good student, but his grades are not very good.

But after getting along for a long time, I know that she will scold the teacher, pretend to be sick and ask for leave, and say bad things about some people behind her back, but she is nice to them on the surface, and there is always endless gossip.

There are advantages as well as disadvantages. She is very helpful, and she is also very helpful to me.

After school, I learn to walk long distances to accompany my friends, invite my friends to eat, introduce me to her friends, help me send couriers, and lend my mobile phone to send messages to Zihan.So no matter how bad she is, I can't say anything.

"Even if two people who are really in love don't contact each other for a period of time, it won't hurt too much." I know it.But I don't worry.I don't know when it started, I will feel uneasy because we spend less time together, and I want to cling to her, and I will always cling to her.

To be honest, I only started to be friends with H in order to maintain the emotion and relationship with Zi Han.In high school, that's normal.Then somehow, I got stuck.

H has a boyfriend who is from a junior college and is two years older than us.What I hear the most every day is "My family is modest".Like us, they are also in different places, but their feelings make me envious.

Even in the graduating class, H can use a mobile phone, and she dares to change her mother's front face, which I can't do.It is said that her boyfriend dotes on her so much that she shows off in front of us every day.

At noon, she would take me to sit with her two good friends from her sophomore year in high school.But I am a very slow person. Although we girls seem to be very harmonious on the surface, I gradually found that my personality can't fit into them, and I missed a whole year with them. I don't know many people and things. .But I don't know what kind of psychology it is, maybe I am embarrassed not to go, so I sit with them every day.

I really like chatting with others, and H happens to have endless things to say.However, I don't like talking so loudly at dinner, or laughing like crazy on the street for everyone to notice.Because my thinking is relatively "aging", I feel that this is not polite.

But they all like it.

There is a snack street next to the school, where there is a milk tea shop with a separate cubicle.H will accompany me there every day after school, and I will call Zi Han when I miss her, the feeling of ignoring other people's strange eyes is very exciting.

I remember one time, a couple at the next table were throwing out dog food, and H urged me to call Zihan to do the same.Ever since, the phone was connected.

"Hello?" Zihan said.

"Hanhan, I got out of school early today and borrowed a classmate's mobile phone. It's getting dark, I miss you so much." I said.

"You kid, did you have a good class today?" Zi Han asked.

"Of course. Don't I have to go to a good school to support you?" Although I know that height is not allowed, I still want to be 1.

"Take care of me, then we, Feifei, have to work hard. Little brat~" She finally said with a chuckle, a very gentle one.

"Who is a child? Am I just one year younger than you?" I was not convinced.

"One year younger is still young. Look at you, are you blowing up again? Fool."

"Even if I'm a fool, I still want to be Hanhan's little fool. Hehe~"

At this point, the couple at the next table had nothing to say, and they buried their heads in embarrassment while drinking milk tea.

After chatting for a few more words, it was almost 08:30.

"Then... Zihan, I have to catch the bus, and I won't be able to go back later."

"Yeah. Be careful on the road, little kid still walks at night. It's hard work to accompany me for 10 minutes every day."

"It's not hard. Hearing your voice, I feel relaxed. It's like... lying on soft cotton."

"As long as you can talk. Hang up." The words fell, but she didn't hang up.

Ask her why, and wait for her to say "you hang up first".

Later, the two of us counted three two one, and then hung up at the same time.The display here is what I hung up first.

Maybe she was half a beat too late, or maybe she didn't hang up at all.

Before leaving, H also said that he envied us.But I can feel it myself, although the surface is sweet, but I can't seem to connect with the people and things she said.

We are usually very busy with schoolwork, and the number of direct chats between us will decrease towards the end of the semester.It's late at night, I have to go home early, and the weather is too cold, H becomes reluctant to lend me my phone.But if it's cute or something, she won't let it go, she just doesn't want to.I also know, after all, how can you borrow something like a mobile phone if you want?

Later, I made an agreement with Zihan to contact me after the winter vacation.

H will help me buy books and accompany me through Christmas, New Year's Day and other festivals.I am a former girl, on Christmas day she gave me a bucket of posters, there were eight of them, I thought she understood me very well at that time.I also returned the gift. According to the price, it was much more expensive than the poster, but H usually helped me so much, so I gave it away.

I didn't wait for that fair and clean girl before because of various reasons.She has a very good temper, and the two of us never quarreled, but our relationship changed when we were divided into shifts.Now that I think about it, I feel sorry for her, and I want to apologize to her.

At the end of the semester, because H was a playful girl, so was my heart, so we hit it off right away.The final exams of that semester, or all the exams of that semester, were not very satisfactory.I can only blame myself for being playful.

Years

The reason for the epidemic is that I didn’t go back to northern Jiangsu during the Chinese New Year that year, but lived in southern Jiangsu.The school did not make up classes, so I took online classes at home.

Zihan would stare at my study and urge me to take online classes.The third year of high school has to start early, so I didn't have a few days for this holiday.The chat history between me and Zihan is also very dull.

If there is anything hot to talk about, there is only one celebrity I like, and she likes it too.We agreed to watch the live broadcast together in front of the TV on the night of New Year's Eve, New Year's Eve.

Ten o'clock on New Year's Eve—

"So serious? Don't you even look at me?"

We had a video call that time, and I told my parents that she was my classmate. After confirming that the other party was a girl, my parents didn't say much and let me go.

"No, I'm checking what time period my brother is in."

"Pfft!"

"What are you laughing at?" I looked at her and asked suspiciously.

"It's nothing, you were so silly for a moment just now. I took a screenshot."

"deleted."

"I do not."

"Deleted, do you hear me?"

"You are capable, dare to order me?"

I laughed and said, "It's just a matter of talent, what's the matter?"

Unexpectedly, she suddenly approached and kissed through the screen.

"That's it."

I turned my head embarrassingly.Averting her eyes, this amused her again, and within a few seconds, I was also amused.

My parents didn't watch the Spring Festival Gala, saying that the current Spring Festival Gala is getting more and more boring, so I went to bed early.

So, the two of us laughed loudly in the silent living room.

"You said, will one day we really be able to watch the Spring Festival Gala together on the sofa?" I asked.

"Yes." she replied.

It was still a long time before idols appeared on the stage, so we spread food everywhere, and we still played songs and abused dogs in the music group.

"The World Is So Big, I Still Met You" was the first song I sang with her.

We laughed in front of our phone screens and screamed for our idols on the couch.Before I knew it, it reached zero.

I couldn't see the fireworks in the community, I could only hear the sound, which lasted for a full 5 minutes before slowly dissipating.Zihan returned to her hometown, where she is a local, only a few 10 minutes away.

She recorded a lot of fireworks footage for me that night.In the video she recorded, she also said, "Qing Fei, Happy New Year! I hope that every year in the future will have you, it will be you."