[Tuyan] Yimu

#after many years#

It's been almost a week since the last time I vomited at a party.

In the past few days, I have rarely used social networking sites and chat tools, hoping to reduce my sense of existence as much as possible. A man in his 30s and almost 40s still cries so badly at the wine table because of the knot in his heart before, I wish I didn't even know myself.

It's really embarrassing.The silent eyes present were all people who had experienced that incident back then.

It was really scary when I was young, because I broke up with him and I became extremely war-loving and violent, tearing every muscle in my body in the secret universe.I still remember what Rachel said when she gave me the post-training counseling.

She said that physical damage during training can be recuperated through diet and rest, but if the spirit adapts to self-harm, "you just wait for the association to award you the medal of heroism."

These are her exact words.There was a terrible sense of oppression in her eyes, as if she had seen through all the gloom in my mind.

I once thought that I would not be able to live without him, so I kept seeking more hearty death and detachment in the mission.At that time, life was too dispensable for me, and the pain of only him leaving me was completely unbearable.

As long as I think that I will never have his participation in my life in the next few decades, I feel that my consciousness, belief and soul are already incomplete.

I even stalked him, and in the worst case forced him to death.Trembling, he typed the text message, and 1 minute later he replied as if he couldn't calm down: You poured out all the sleeping pills!I promise you I won't go for a while.

I woke up suddenly.I realized that I was about to fall into mental illness because of him, and I was about to lose my sanity and self-esteem.Shen Tu is such a decisive person, even if I beg him, he will not turn back. The most important thing is that I only want sincerity, and all he can give me is compromise and mercy.

His heart has left.

It's over.

After a while, I felt that my hands were no longer trembling, so I poured out the water in the bowl and replied to him: I didn't buy it from the beginning, I'm still alive and kicking, you can go.

I'm broken on the inside, but I want you to see that even if I die in the end, I'm still whole and proud.

This was the only dignity left after I lost everything at that time, and it finally turned into the hatred that I lost to him, which followed me for a long time.

#after many years#

Destiny is deliberate.I don't know how bitter fate must be to let me meet him again in the same place many years later.

I am like a gloomy shadow in the dark night, hiding behind the white concrete wall.He is like a natural hanger, carrying a black windbreaker with a hem that reaches to his knees, making his back still tall and thin.

I can feel the strength of my fingers.A figure that was a head shorter than him clung tightly to his side.Another, younger, thin figure hugged his other arm, and walked on his shoulder very attached.

I'm going in a different direction than they are going.I didn't mean to hide here, watching with red eyes of jealousy and evil.I just can't get out.

At this time, such a scene, "an ordinary and happy family of three", really tore me from the innermost place.The things I am nostalgic for, the people I miss, have been doomed to keep me and the dark company from the time when the story has only a few lines.

I couldn't get out there...because I was ignored by society and despised by the crowd.My choices make me unworthy of sunshine.

I still remember the snow on the streets here.His figure slowly receding in the snow suddenly reappeared in the field of vision, that lonely and dark back, as far away as an invisible black hole in memory.

Suddenly, as if he sensed my presence, he suddenly turned his head, and I shrank the exposed half of my body back in shock.I felt his eyes meet mine.

My heart was beating like crazy, thump, thump, thud, like a drum that would never stop, trying to explode my chest.

16 years.

He is also really old.

#after many years#

15 years ago.

On the day of the wedding, everyone I knew in the association was there except me.

Jiang Xiaozhu called me a few days in advance, hesitantly asked me if I had decided to go, I said calmly that I would be happy to participate, but I had something to do that day, so I couldn't go, so I asked him to convey my respect to Shen Tu congratulations.He said several "needs" embarrassingly, and repeatedly told me to take care of my body, not to be too busy with work, and to eat and sleep well.

After hanging up the phone, I curled up on the sofa and smiled miserably.I knew Piggy was actually their representative, and each of them wanted to know if I was going, if I was going to cause trouble at the wedding, and if I was going to make some extreme jokes on myself again.They were all worried about me, wanted to protect me, and were afraid that everyone would ask me again and it would upset me even more.

What can I do for the day... I just can't go.How do I go, holding a glass of wine, looking into his eyes and saying, I wish you a happy marriage for a hundred years, and wish you an early baby.

I wanted to practice speaking this sentence, but I almost bit my lip, and I was still stuck at the first word "hundred", and could only make the initials.

I'm afraid that if I do go, I won't be able to control myself, and I'll just pour the wine in the glass on his face.I was afraid that I would look at him with poisonous eyes, laugh at his embarrassment, and then step forward, don't care about other people's strange eyes, don't listen to other people's crazy curses, lick and suck the wine that stained his face, Then viciously ran over my lips that I missed night after night.

In fact, I know that he is not wrong, his choice is right, he has finally become an ordinary person, he will finally have nothing to do with the association, he will not have to suffer from those strange tasks, and he will be quiet for the rest of his life However, on this level, I should thank his wife and congratulate him sincerely.This is what I have worked hard for several years and have always wanted to do for him.

But I can't say it.I'm really not great enough, I can't say it.

I couldn't do anything at all while the wedding was going on.I kept scrolling through the homepage of my social circle, knowing that Fat Brother, Old Zhang Beiye, and the others agreed not to post any photos by default, but I still stared at the interface persistently, just like I used to persistently wait for him in between missions Every letter that comes.

One of the new female team members I met on a recent mission was Rachel's friend, but she didn't know anything, and happily went with the friend and happily took pictures of the bride and groom exchanging rings.As usual, in Western-style weddings, the couple will kiss when they change the rings.

A black short-tailed suit, a tight-fitting white shirt, a small off-white hydrangea pinned to the left lapel, and a black bow in front of the neckline.It can be seen that he still likes black and white clothes, which are clean and pure, which best suits his spotless temperament.I read one by one and saved them one by one. When I saw him slightly bowing his head to kiss the bride's cheek, my fingers were stiff for a long time, and finally I chose "Save" in the pop-up dialog box.

I don't know when these photos will be deleted again, but I am obsessed now.

"I wish you a happy marriage for a hundred years." I read the seven words she wrote under the photo, one word at a time, and read out aloud.

I turned off my phone and threw it far away in the corner of the sofa.At the end, he retracted his cold hands and feet, and added something in a low voice while hugging his knees.

"I wish you and your family happiness and well-being..."