Idol's Doomsday Survival Guide

Childhood memories are always intermittent.

Sometimes it's a white room, sometimes it's an operating room, sometimes it's in a brig.

what is his name?At that time, he was nothing.

He has no name.

But what will never disappear from his memory are the dense pinholes on the inner side of the upper arm and the bruises on the joints.From the thin, stunted back like a teenager, to the scars on the flanks.

Sometimes it was abuse, sometimes it was beating, and sometimes it was blood drawing and dissection day and night.

This was his life, this was his function as sleep and breath as long as he could remember.

Everything is in one cramped room after another.The size of the room may change over time, but what remains constant is that there will always be only one window, one table, and one small bench in the room.

"Mom" has many rules, no talking, no looking at each other, even windows, story books, and even a little light are strictly prohibited.

In the past, he could still have a storybook and a lamp.You can also observe all kinds of passers-by in the corridor through the glass.None of them stopped to pay attention to him, even as he lay prone on the glass, longing for any of them to turn their heads and take a look at him.

In this way his life will not be what it used to be, and in this way his world will not only be left by himself.

The little tin soldier with only one leg is always alone in a box.What is the outside world like?

He didn't know, and he probably never, never would.He will rot in this box, and no one will find him until the end of his life.

The tiny, crippled little tin soldier.

After "Mom" appeared, the color of the ceiling changed.

The daily food is pitiful oatmeal, cold milk, and nothing else.

When he was in the white room, he had a story book.

The book said.She is her own "mother".

"Mom" said word by word when I was vomiting violently and convulsing all over my body:

"It's so pitiful... When will you die?"

"Mom" said word by word when I was hungry and my vision was blurred:

"If it's not because of you, if there is no child like you! Everything about me can go back to the past!"

"Mom" never cared about her own life or death, never cared about her own life or death.

This is his "mother".

The book says, "I" should love "her".

Because "she" also loves "me".

But what is love.

Is love the pain of day and night, the scars left on your body?

Or was love her curse, her choking until the child was incontinent?

The love of "mother" is a long-term, sad and complaining love.

The book says that love is the most beautiful thing in the world.

If this is love, great.

Someone loves him.

His table didn't love him, his chair didn't love him, the graffiti didn't love him, and the world outside his window didn't love him.

But "Mom" loves him.

very nice.

He is the happiest child in the world.

Later, the spot of light on the ceiling moved to the corner. That day, "mother" walked in and poured a meal in front of his eyes.Pressing the back of his head with the heel, he stomped heavily into the pile of hot dishes.

she says.

"nausea."

He looked at the "love" reflected on the doorknob, and he fell on the ground like a scrawny stray dog, and Quasimodo was deformed and crooked on the clock tower.

"Mom" hated herself because he was always half dead.

"no value."

That's what people say about him the most.

She will prove it to herself over and over again in front of the guests.The knife cuts the artery, and it will heal automatically in 2 minutes; the eye is pulled out of the eye socket by the "mother"'s hand, and the damaged muscles and blood vessels will also slowly repair.

He seems to be a magical person, whether in the white room or in the small room.The guests who witnessed everything asked for his blood to be drawn, sometimes a tube, sometimes a whole bucket; they even asked for his internal organs to be transplanted, without anesthesia, without sutures, and without a sterile environment. Fester again and again, resurrect again and again.

Was it painful?

He doesn't remember much.

He only knows that when the guests leave satisfied, "mother" will leave too.

Next, it's his own time.

After the door closed, he got up with sauce and burns on his face, and grabbed the bits and pieces of food on the ground with his hands.Compared with his body temperature and the organs taken from him like an assembly line, the food that fell from the sky was unbelievably warm.

He put it into his mouth with trembling fingers, and the rice balls mixed with sand were scorched until the mucous membranes were swollen and painful; he chewed, chewing, the sweet and astringent taste filled his lips and teeth; chewing, chewing, his mouth unbearably salty...

He looked at the distorted mirror image on the doorknob and touched his wet cheek.

The book says it's tears.

When people are sad, they cry.

So, is he sad now?

Will these delicious things make him sad?

But...he didn't understand, where did the food come from?

He sat there blankly, looking at the window that was tightly closed by the curtain.Think about this question that will never be answered.

Outside that window, there is a world that he will never be able to enter, and a light that he will never be able to touch.

If he died in this small room like the little tin soldier as "mother" wished, would he be able to go to the outside world?

However, at the end of the story, the little tin soldier did not rot in the exquisite box.

He went to the outside world.

***

"Mom" came back that day, smelling of alcohol.

She looked very unhappy, because she hammered the nails into his fingers one by one, some skewed into the bone seam.Makes his fingers extra funny.

Whenever this time, he knew that "Mom" was very angry.

... It hurts, it hurts so much, but crying doesn't help.

He watched the blood slowly gushing out and dripping down his leg.

like a pattern.

A flower he had only seen in books.

He says--

"sorry."

"I'm sorry, Mom."

"Sorry, it's all my fault."

He fell to the ground slumped, like a wolfhound whose blood had been drained from his body.He stared blankly at her shiny new high-heeled shoes, the beautiful toe of which spattered his own blood.

"Mom" saw it, and her nails scratched frantically in her hair.The moment the heel stabbed at his face, the doorbell rang.

"Mom" snorted and went to open the door drunkenly.

Then, he slowly got up from the ground.

If it didn't work once, just the second time, he rotated the nail little by little, pulling it out from between his fingers.

He prostrated himself on the ground and took out a dirty jigsaw puzzle from under the table.

All he has is one piece of the puzzle, one piece of the cloud.This puzzle piece was an old toy he picked up when they moved.

At that time, he was packed in a big wooden box together with toys that others didn't want and were tired of playing with.The car kept bumping, and he was forced to curl up like an embryo in the narrow darkness.

The jigsaw forever lost its important piece, but he gained a small piece that was bigger than the whole world.

After "mother" answered the door, he quietly shrank by the door.The rough edges of the puzzle are turning and rubbing at the fingertips.

He heard movement at the door.

It should be the elder brother next door, and the sound of "mother" talking.

Not long after, the door opened.

All meals were randomly thrown on the ground.

High heels stepped heavily on it.

"That's great." "Mom" said, "There are still people who are willing to take care of you. You are alive because you can still make a little money...you know...!"

She tore at one of his ears desperately until it was dripping with blood.Then, while wiping her hands in disgust, she shook them off and left.

He bent down, grabbed a ball of dirty white rice with his hands, and swallowed it vaguely.

What he ate today, he didn't know.

There was a piece of meat mingled with many broken bones, and he gobbled it up, licking the last traces of soup off the dusty floor.

The bone cut his throat, and he reacted violently like a seizure, scratching his entire throat until it was bleeding.The wound healed again and again, and he was scratched and bloody again and again.

until he started throwing up.

When my mother came back, all she saw was a mess.

He had his teeth removed as usual, one after the other.

Then the next day, everything went back to normal.

He is more and more curious about why the food can be completely different, why there are so many gorgeous colors in the world?

So one day, when his mother went out as usual, he moved a stool with difficulty, stood on it with difficulty, lifted a small corner of the curtain, and looked out.

Outside is a large expanse of grass.He knew that the book told about this world, the towering chimneys and buildings, the clear blue sea and blue sky, and the rumbling train passing through the long tunnel.

He would draw them all from memory, but there was no light in his room.If "Mom" observes the room carefully, you will find that the entire wall is another world painted with blood.

The older brother next door was standing in the middle of the grass, holding another child by the hand.

My brother is not like me, not at all.

He is so beautiful, even his hair is golden in the sun, he is not at all like his skinny and bruised self, he is not incomplete, he is complete, as perfect as Esmeralda.

For a moment, he felt that he was the ugliest monster in the world.Those jealousy and dirty desires took root in his heart, like flower branches woven with blood, silently and gathered, strangling his heart.

In this way, he sobbed silently and silently towards the window where his face was reflected——

"help me."

He said.

"Don't go."

"……Please."

Stay, stay, I'm going crazy...

If you can't stay, if your eyes can't stay on me, if I'm destined to linger in the dark.

I'd rather the world be dark.

The little tin soldier with only one leg is always alone in a box.

He was slowly rotting away, along with this box that symbolized "forever," symbolizing destiny.On this day, a small gap opened in the box.

From there, he saw the outside world, saw the castle.

Also saw the princess of the castle.

Burn me up, burn me up, burn up the endless night.

Just get me out of this horrible box, just get me to him.

Anyone can destroy me.