father - home

I put my arms around Zhao's neck, put my cheek against his, and whispered in his ear. "Zhao, I want to ask you a few questions, and you have to answer me truthfully, okay?"

"what?"

"Have you had any sexual experience before you came here? I mean with others." I asked cautiously, for fear of revealing my ulterior motives. I asked this to help Zhao get rid of those terrible nightmares or Also want to get the answer to the question that is hidden deep in my heart and quietly tormenting me?

"No."

I'm relieved, I believe it?Don't say he answered the next question, it's a little difficult for me to ask, but I have to ask. "So, your real first contact was here?"

Zhao didn't answer right away.

My back tensed up, and the arms around Zhao's shoulders were tense and sore. I couldn't let him detect the changes in my muscles, and I didn't want to add more pressure to him.There was silence all around, and I could hear each other's heartbeats.

After a while, Zhao nodded and closed his eyes at the same time.

"Hey, open your eyes, please?" I really hated myself for being stubborn, but there was no way, it had to be. "Honey, I want you to open your eyes, I want you to look at me."

I held Akira's head up so that he faced me.He opened it, although his eyes were a little dodgy, but he opened it in the end.I look at him, catch his eyes, I want to use my eyes, the temperature of my body, the strength of my arms, the tenderness of my voice to convey love, trust and support to him continuously.

"At that time, did your body react?"

"Yes." Zhao didn't keep me waiting this time.He started shaking.

I hug him tighter, spreading my palms over his back, as if I'm going to get some energy into his heart.

"What about after waking up? Did your body react?" I knew the answer to this question was yes.When I was treating him, and when I observed it intentionally or unintentionally, it can also be called peeping. I have seen it.I asked knowingly to let him understand the fact that there is nothing wrong with his body.

But—but, if there is nothing wrong with his body, then the problem may be... When I was asking Zhao these questions, I was also thinking about the crux of the problem, and I suddenly realized a terrible answer... I always Shocked, breaking out in a cold sweat... Maybe Zhao doesn't love me at all!He confused friendship with love!His gratitude to me is not love!

Yes, I saved his life time and time again, and he wanted to pay me back, but he had nothing.I told him I was gay, I told him my loneliness and pain, I told him I fell in love with him the first time I saw him.If Zhao wanted to repay me, he could only give me the only thing he had, the love I longed for the most.Zhaochun is sincere and kind. He regards gratitude as love, but his body will not lie. In fact, he did not accept me as his lover at all.

If that's the crux of the problem, then...then...what do I do?My eyes were dark and my whole body was cold.It will not be like this!Will not!I stubbornly said to myself, definitely not like this, Zhao said that his heart felt, he felt love, the kind of attachment that he thinks about day and night, that kind of trust without complaint or regret, that is love!It's love!God!Come on, Marty, put away your serious scientific attitude, this is love!I yelled to myself in my mind.I know it is impossible for me to accept other conclusions, and I should not delve into any other conclusions. It is completely meaningless to do so, Zhao loves me!He can only love me!

"Yes." The candlelight was dim, and the temperature was a little low. Zhao didn't notice the panic and fear I tried to hide. He was exhausted by the pain. "There were times when I had nightmares, dreaming of Shenk, dreaming of... I don't understand, Marty, why then, when I woke up from the nightmare, I would... instead I would..."

Yes, yes, that's the crux of the matter.I was ecstatic as if I had caught a life-saving straw.I see.I told myself.I knew Zhao loved me, and that's the problem.

"Marty, am I shameless? I hate him, I hate those crimes, I want to forget, but I can't... At that time, Schenk always used this to humiliate me, saying that I was really cheap and shameless , calling me hypocritical. Marty, am I really shameless?"

"No, it's not, it's not like that, it's a completely normal physiological reaction." I had no time to be distracted by my own feelings, and finally found Zhao's real problem, the passion of love in my chest and the deep self full of responsibility.Why have I never had a heart-to-heart talk with Zhao about this issue?I know he won't forget, no one can forget.Why can't I take the initiative to ask him?Is it because I am afraid of causing his pain, or because of my selfishness?As a real doctor, I'm remiss at this point.I hugged Zhao tightly in my arms. "Baby, that's why. With Shenk, you had reactions, but they were painful memories, and those nightmares haunted you, and you never got rid of them. You're strong, but being strong doesn't mean forgetting easily. Unfortunately It is your initial sexual experience that is accompanied by sin and injury, which makes you subconsciously and unconsciously associate these natural instincts with sin, but is far away from the most sacred and beautiful love for you. .”

"Is that so?"

"Yes." I said, kissing his forehead.

"Really are?"

"Really are."

"Then how..."

"It's okay, baby, with me here, you don't have to worry about anything." I let go of him, propped up my upper body, and looked at him from top to bottom: "Okay! Listen to me now, I know it's not easy, but you have to Try to do it. I want you to keep your eyes open and look at me. Don't think about anything else. Forget everything about the past, at least for a while. Get your mind off of the present, of us, of me .Now by your side is the one you love the most, the one you trust the most. Leave everything to me. You just need to feel, feel with your body, feel with your heart. Relax, relax your mind, relax your body, relax completely. Don't Depress, don't hold back, don't be nervous. Open up, feel the love, feel the joy, feel the joy..."