fifth year of divorce

When I was writing this chapter, I suddenly thought of a sentence, "It's like eating all the birds and throwing them into the forest, leaving a piece of white land so clean."

I went back to Fenghuali, packed a few close-fitting clothes, and planned to move to Jiangling tomorrow. I was a little worried about him being alone.

I took a sleeping pill when I was going to bed, and thinking of Jiang Ling's eyes when I was leaving, I felt that I would be restless all night again tonight.

Qin Weiji called two days ago, saying that he might stay here for a while. Grandpa passed away. Grandpa and I only met once. It would be too hypocritical to say that we are sad, but we just can’t see Qin Weiji being sad.

I have tasted the pain of the death of a loved one, and I really can't bear to let him go through it too.

What's more, I'm not by his side at this time.

After taking the medicine, I slowly fell asleep.

It started raining suddenly outside, and I couldn't sleep well. Before the medicine took effect, I sat up, opened the curtains and saw the bamboo stretching to the second floor swaying in the rain.

It was Jiang Ling's proposal to plant these bamboos in the first place. When I read "A Dream of Red Mansions", I was most impressed by the Xiangfei bamboos in the Xiaoxiang Pavilion.

It's just that Jiangling loves bamboo because he consciously connects with the spirit of bamboo.

I was just being arty and later blaming the few bamboos for getting in the way in the yard.

But when I stand here, the moonlight is blocked, and the raindrops are dripping on the bamboo shoots. I don't feel elegant, but rather desolate.

If you take a closer look, the shadows cast by the swaying bamboos are intertwined in the rainy night, like ghosts and ghosts.

I felt a little desolate, and I didn't want to look any further, so I drew the curtains.

Lying back on the bed, frowning, I had a nightmare in the middle of the night.

Recently, I always dream about the night when I committed suicide. The blood and the night blend together, and the atmosphere is weird and sad. I feel that half of my life is slowly being sucked away in the dream.

When the blood flowed to the end, it was another face that was stained red.

I looked up to see who that face was.

The moonlight flickered, and the bamboo shadows staggered.

That's Gangneung...

I was awakened suddenly, my forehead was covered with sweat, my hands and feet were weak, and the sound of mourning lingered in my heart.

Sad to cry.

The phone suddenly lit up, it was Jiang Ling's manager calling, the uneasiness made people mad.

"Hey?"

"Xiao Xie...you...can you come to Jiangling's house?"

I licked my pale lips, I heard the noisy human voice on the other side of the phone, and the slight sound of the police siren, the sound of my heart beating overshadowed my own voice, "What's wrong with Jiangling..."

"Jiangling...is gone..."

My hands softened, the phone hit the bed, and my ears lost their ringing for a moment. I felt like my heart had fallen into an invincible abyss, and my body was like being drowned in the deep sea.

I suddenly felt nauseated, I put my elbows on the bed and began to retch, and the sweat from my forehead slowly slipped down my neck.

"Xiao Xie? Xiao Xie?"

After retching for a while, I felt that my deaf ears were slowly recovering, and I heard a faint voice from the phone.

I wanted to reach out for my phone and ask him what it meant, but my hands didn't listen to me anymore.

I ran out of strength in my hands and fell on the bed. I wanted to cry but couldn't make a sound. It turns out that real mourning is impossible to cry.

When I ran out of Fenghuali in my pajamas, the rain had stopped. I stepped on the water beach with bare feet, and the water splashed on my body. I watched the moonlight being trampled away by me step by step.

I may be in a dream.

Or maybe it's a play.

But I will never admit that this is reality.

I don't know why the scene of this night is so vivid in my memory.

I remember that the wind was blowing against my face, that one of the lights on the side of the road was broken, and that I was wearing a taupe-colored pajamas, which was illuminated by the moon, and the bloody smell in my dream rolled over me.

Who will remember what is in the dream?

I should have been unconscious.

Or it should be soulless.

But I have to admit, I've never been more sober than I am right now.

Jiangling is dead.

The stupid thing I did, he did it again.

When I ran to Jiangling's house, the neighborhood was surrounded by a cordon.

It was still dark, and there were not many people watching.

I walked over in a daze. Fortunately, there were not many people. People should die at night, and it is not romantic to die in the daytime.

I was blocked from the outside and did not force my way in. After all, a well-mannered person like Jiangling would not see people not following the rules.

I didn't cry, I just stood there, watching the police cars and ambulances flashing brightly in front of me.

Then, under a burst of noise, the stretcher covered with a white cloth was carried out.

I was stunned and felt my legs and feet were weak, and the white cloth outlined my slender figure. I unconsciously wanted to move forward, but was stopped by the police, "Irrelevant personnel are not allowed to enter."

I watched Jiang Ling disappear in front of me, and remembered Jiang Ling's appearance in the dream just now, like a flower that was crushed and scattered into the ditch.

"Jiangling!!!"

The wailing sound awakened the night.

But this world, no matter how you look at it, is extremely filthy.

I didn't see Shangjiangling for the last time, and I don't really want to.

If you don't see it, it's still alive in your heart.

See you, it's really gone.

When his agent came out, he saw me, his swollen eyes started to cry again, "Xiao Xie, you..."

I don't know why he was crying, "How did Jiang Ling die?"

Standing beside me, he couldn't help but shed a few more tears, choked up and speechless.

I'm a little annoyed, I can't see them pretending to be merciful.

"He called me...and asked me to come over in the morning...I heard something wrong with his voice and hesitated for a while, then hurried over..."

He pursed his lips, "When I called the police and opened the door, he was lying on the ground..."

Having said that, his voice trembled a little, "Next to it are...empty cephalosporins and wine bottles..."

"People are gone."

When I committed suicide, I still felt that there was still hope in the world.

But Jiang Ling walked so resolutely, with the intention of being immortal, maybe even his soul would not be willing to stay here after death.

"Will it hurt?"

"what?"

"This way of dying, does it hurt?"

He bit his lower lip, "It doesn't hurt, I died in a dream."

It is also decent.

When I was a teenager, I always didn't like some clichés. People kept saying bad things over and over again, and there was nothing worth mentioning. Thinking about it, even love was born out of the vulgar, let alone other things.

But I also don't like the one who stands alone and proud of the world, it's very tricky.

I remember the first time I read Gu Cheng's poems, I still secretly felt sorry for him. At that time, I was already worried, and felt that he was very idealistic. I said that these poets don't know about firewood, rice, oil, salt, soy sauce, vinegar and tea, and how much smoke is pickled in the world. Going to the world with a pen and paper every day, it deserves to be disgraceful even to die in the end.

It's really unseemly to die, who would choose to live in a dream, who can keep the clarity and never be defiled for the rest of his life.

Later, after I died once, I felt that there is no such thing as a death for the sake of decency.

Dying people are never decent.

"Jiangling, I left a suicide note for you."

When I got the suicide note from the police station, I saw four words written on the paper, To You Ayao.

I, who didn't cry all night, burst into tears.

Jiangling's characters are like his own, with lingering pen and ink.

Dear friend A Yao,

I thought death was silent, and I didn't want to leave any words to be criticized.

I am not born in the entertainment industry, I should do something else, even if life is bleak and nothing to add, I won't go astray.

Blame myself, I don't blame others.

Ayao, I should have walked quietly, but I can't let go of too much, human desires are endless even to death.

I can't let go of Thief Bao, I know you are afraid of cats, but I have no one else to entrust to me except you, if I had known today, I shouldn't have taken it in, how can a person like me delusional to feed another life.

I can't let go of my parents, my parents are old, I have no wife and no children, I deserve it when I die, but I shouldn't let them be lonely for the rest of their lives, I beg you to treat them as your own parents, and do what you can't do for me filial piety.

I can't let you go either, you always say you don't have a home in Beijing, and I gave you the house in Xishan.Although you may not be able to use Qin Weishou, and I don’t hope that you will, but I don’t want you to have problems again one day. You have no relatives, and you don’t even have a place to settle down. I don’t want you to live in Beijing. No fixed place.

These years, I have regarded you as a friend and relative, and I pity you. You are probably born to be pitied.

But you have to feel sorry for yourself too.

You are different from me.

Your love has an echo.

I'm leaving, Yao.

You don't have to be sad, I finally understand that sentence,

There is a death not out of despair, but killing the dead self.

I'm sorry, Yao, the world is a good place, so I won't come here.