Brothers second and third

Chapter 8

I indulged myself, besides surfing the Internet, I met netizens, venting my desires on the hotel bed.Have you ever felt hopeless?This feeling radiates from your heart to your whole body, like a piece of cold iron in your chest.You want to hold on to something, but you keep sinking.Despair gnaws at every part of your gut, making life worse than death.I have been thinking about why I am alive. If I had never been in this world, I would not have pain, and my uncle and aunt would not be sad, and the source of all pain is that I am gay.It is said that the probability of homosexuality in China is only 4%, and I happen to be in it. If I am not gay, maybe I can find someone who loves each other. We get married, have children, live, grow old, sick and die together. There is no secular pressure and no strange eyes from others .However, I happen to be that 4%.

I didn't go back to the dormitory for several days, and the money given by my second child was almost used up.I made an appointment with a netizen on the Internet again, and got a room at the Fenglinwan Hotel after school.Desire makes me more like a beast, or a walking dead. I frantically press the person under me, and vent my desire.Life is but a game, and since that's my role, let's have fun!

Tired and exhausted, lying on the bed, that person asked me: "Do you love me?" Love?I never think about the word when sleeping with strangers.Love is a luxury, not everyone can have it.I looked at his serious look, patted his butt, smiled and got up to take a shower.Standing under the nozzle, looking at myself naked in the mirror, the warm water washes over my body and cleanses my dirty soul.I got out and got dressed, looked at the man's half-naked body, and turned to leave.When I reached the corner downstairs, the man lay down on the window and shouted: "Wait a minute!" Then he ran downstairs wrapped in a bath towel, and kissed my mouth in the night.I pressed him against the wall in this remote corner and started kissing him too.At this time, I suddenly heard someone calling my name, and I heard that voice turned out to be the second child.

I don't know why the second child suddenly appeared here. There is a bush next to this corner, and usually no one will come over.I heard the voice of the second child, and I froze there.The second child then asked again: "Is that you? Shan Depeng?" I stood in the shadows and didn't speak.The second child walked over step by step, and then he saw a stranger leaning against the wall and wearing a bath towel.The second child looked at the stranger and then at me. His face was expressionless: "Shan Depeng, what are you doing?" I straightened my clothes and did not speak.The stranger felt that the atmosphere was not right and wanted to go to the hotel room. The second child grabbed his arm and said, "Don't move! Dare to let me go!"

I opened my second child's arm: "Don't make things difficult for him, I don't know him."

The second child looked at me and raised his voice a lot: "I don't know him? Then what were you doing just now?"

The man took advantage of the situation and ran back to the hotel in a hurry, then ran away disheveled with his clothes.I looked at his back and thought that cheating is probably like this, and I thought it was very funny.The second child's face was a little angry, and he continued to point at the stranger who left: "What's your relationship with him? Are you...he...he's a man!"

I looked up and took a deep breath, then looked at my second child: "Yes, he is a man."

"Then you kissed him just now!"

I ignored my second child and walked to the hotel by myself.My second child followed me into the room, and there were condoms and tissues in a mess on the floor.Seeing this scene, the second son spoke unnaturally: "Shan Depeng, what's the matter with you?"

I got down and looked at the roof: "You know."

The second child said, "I know shit! Are you fucking with a man?"

I sat up suddenly: "Yes! I just like men, and I'm gay! What's wrong? Don't you just want to ask this? Then I'll tell you, I am!"

The second child looked at me, his anger just now turned into dodge in his eyes: "You...are you kidding me?"

I lit a cigarette and ignored my second child.The lights in the house were not turned on, and the street lights outside the window dimly illuminated the icy road, reflecting a faint yellow light. The whole world outside was so warm, but it didn’t belong to me.The second child sat down next to me, and the atmosphere seemed to freeze.The second child has never been able to speak. Facing such a scene at this moment, he accompanied me in silence.After a long time, he said, "Let's go, third child, let's go back to the dormitory."

I was still lying there and didn't speak.

The second child patted me: "Let's go, don't stay here!"

I have been suppressed in my heart, and my pain has been suppressed in my heart. Suddenly, a lot of emotions came up, and I burst into tears.I thought that my secret would always be hidden in my heart, and I was always afraid of being discovered, as if it was an ugly scar, afraid of being discovered.Now that I told my second child, my heart seemed to be relieved all of a sudden, and those emotions that had been suppressed all of a sudden began to be released.The second child sat on the edge of the bed at a loss: "Sir, you...don't be like this." The second child tentatively held me in his arms, and kept saying, "It's okay, it's okay, it's nothing serious..."

After calming down, he told the second child all his thoughts.The expectations of the family, the happiness of others, including Yang Xinkun.The second child just listened quietly, the cigarette end flickering on and off lighting up the room.After smoking the last cigarette, the second child sighed, "Why are you pushing yourself so hard!"

I said, "Do you think I'm so disgusting?"

The second brother: "Don't be like this. Even if you are gay, the boss and I will not look down on you. Don't give up on yourself."

I looked at the shadow of the tree on the roof, and felt peaceful for the first time in this period of time, without bitterness in my heart, very peaceful.The second child went on to say, "Third child, we have always been brothers. If you have something to worry about in the future, don't keep it to yourself, and if you have something to tell me, don't feel uncomfortable alone."

After the dark days were unexpectedly broken by my second child, I returned to the dormitory.The sixth child joked as usual: Third brother, you have not had an affair, and I haven’t seen you for a long time.The second child drank the sixth child: Don't yell!The sixth child stuck out his tongue and continued to read his word book.I don't know why the second child cares so much about the joke of the sixth child, such an insignificant word, in the past, it was just a common joke, but the second child stopped the sixth child, and then he looked at me.

If you don't get crushed by life, you have to live on.If you think about this sentence clearly, you will know the helplessness of life, and you have to accept the things that cannot be changed.

I don't want to do nothing anymore, so I decided to take the postgraduate entrance examination.The boss’s girlfriend is recommended to stay in school for postgraduate students, so the boss is also working hard to review and prepare for the postgraduate entrance examination in order to be able to accompany the goddess. The fifth and sixth have been preparing to go abroad, so they are studying for IELTS and TOEFL. The fourth is now renting with his partner outside the school. A house, just waiting for graduation to get married.Li Zhe has always wanted to stay in school to teach, so he has long been preparing for his master's and doctoral studies.

Since the second child knew about me, sometimes he took extra care of me, and sometimes avoided me.For example, after I decided to take the postgraduate entrance examination, I got up very early every day, and I often ate instant noodles in the library.Later, the second child always brought me meals on time. Even if he had something to do and couldn't come, he would tell me in advance to ask me to eat lunch at the restaurant, but he didn't bring it over.But for example, we used to go to the school bathhouse to take a bath together. At that time, the second child often asked me to rub his back, and there was no taboo in front of me. Now he often goes alone, even when he is with me. He also took a shower with his back to me.Later, I simply went to wash by myself instead of going with my second child, so as not to make him feel embarrassed.

The days of the postgraduate entrance examination are very tiring, but very fulfilling. I don’t think about anything, and I study every day besides studying.Everyone in the dormitory was busy with their own affairs, only the second child stayed all day with nothing to do.Later, the second child began to fall in love. I met that girl a few times, and they always followed the second child to bring me lunch.That girl was sweet and pretty. She was holding the arm of the second child, and they looked like a good match.The second child is a typical Northeast person, taller than me, and has a strong body.The girl stood next to the second child, and she looked very comfortable. As the saying goes, she looks like a golden boy and a jade girl.Seeing that the second child has also found a true love, sometimes when I am tired of studying and taking a rest, I think that the boss and the second child are happy separately, and I don’t know what the future looks like, so I dare not continue to think about it. Enter the sea of ​​questions, use learning to keep yourself busy and don't think about other things.The days of the postgraduate entrance examination are mostly blank when I think about it now. What I remember most is the small barren park outside the window of the study room. I was tired from studying at that time, and I saw that park when I looked up.Seeing the trees in the park getting greener and greener, and then various flowers were planted in the flower beds, and then the weather seemed to heat up all of a sudden.When I was still wearing a sweater, I saw that some people were already wearing short sleeves.

I am busy in the library every day. Sometimes when I am fetching water with a cup, I can meet the boss and his girlfriend who are also studying, and sometimes I can meet the fifth and sixth children. Those two children will never grow up. The same, carefree laughing and laughing.Before I knew it, the summer vacation was coming, and I was preparing to study hard for the exam.The eldest took his girlfriend home to meet his parents, and the second and I were left in the dormitory.

I asked my second child, "Why don't you go home?"

He said: "Isn't this going to be your backing? Who will bring you food when I leave?"

When I saw the grinning look of my second child, I knew he was talking nonsense.I said, "Is your partner not going back during the summer vacation?"

"Well, she found an internship in a company here, and she won't go home during the summer vacation."

"Hehe, then you kid should seize this opportunity to please you."

"Yes, that is necessary."

I stopped talking nonsense with him, washed up and went to bed early, and I have to get up early tomorrow to endorse.The second child was alone in the lower bunk flipping through magazines when the light suddenly went out.The second child said fuck, then tidied up and lay down.

The whole summer vacation is about to pass. I get up very early every morning to memorize English. I do the questions in the morning. At noon, my second child brings me meals. I climb on the table for a while to rest, and then I continue to do the questions in the afternoon.I basically don’t talk every day, except talking to my second child at night when I see him, but when I lie in bed at night, my tiredness always hits me very quickly. Sometimes my second child is still talking about something, and I fall asleep.

One night, my second child suddenly said to me: "I'm asking you something, don't be angry."

I leaned on the quilt and flipped through the paper: "What's the matter?"

"The man I saw at the hotel last time, he didn't harass you anymore, did he?"

"Damn it, when did it happen. I told you I didn't know him."

The second child continued: "Then do you still think about him?"

I leaned over and glanced at the second child on the lower bunk: "What's wrong with you today, why are you talking so much nonsense!"

The second child laughed: "I just ask."

While looking at my test paper, I replied to him: "I've met him once, I forgot what I looked like a long time ago!"

The second child stood up, crawled beside my bed and said mysteriously: "Do you watch movies? I have them here. The Japanese girl has a good figure!"

At that time, the second child had an MP4, which was the kind that could play videos.He shook the MP4 in his hand at me.I glanced at him: "You know I don't like to watch."

"Don't you really want to watch it? Why don't you try it."

I didn't lift my head: "Don't look."

The second child took back his paws and lay down on the bunk alone to watch his movies.This kid didn't wear earphones, so he let out his voice on purpose, and the actress inside started moaning, disturbing me so much that I couldn't read the book.

I threw the test paper in my hand on the second child's bed: "Fuck, can you put on the earphones?"

The second child giggled, "I can't help but come down and have a look!"

"Do you want me to beat you!"

The second child obediently turned off his voice and muttered, "The dog bit Lu Dongbin!"

After the lights were turned off, the second child lay on the bed and said, "You really don't like girls?"

"do not like."

"Then how do you feel about men?"

"I don't feel anything."

"What about the man who opened a room with you last time?"

"no feelings."

"How does it feel to have sex with him?"

"You talk too much nonsense today!"

"Hey, I'll ask."

I said, "Stop moaning, I'm asleep."

Second child: "Don't, let's talk to you."

"Then say something else!"

"Okay, do you want to watch masturbation or female ejaculation?"

I put the pillow on the second child's bed: "You are really itchy!"

The second child sneered: "I'm just curious!"

"Don't be so fucking annoying, be careful and I'll fuck you!"

The second child put on a pitiful voice: "Don't, he's a virgin!"

This kid made a lot of flirts today, and usually when there are outsiders around, the second child is always serious.In private, he's like a child who hasn't grown up.But I'm so thankful to have a brother like my second because he pulled me out of the mud on my worst days.Thinking of the days when I didn't accept myself, didn't recognize myself, and abused myself, I lived in darkness and pain, but fortunately everything has passed.In fact, some things we can not change, we have to accept.Although it sounds helpless, it is true.If you are alive, your life will go on, whether you are happy or sad, it will always pass by.And you can only follow it and follow it all the way.

People are born unequal, some are born rich, some are born poor, some are healthy, and some are born disabled.Life is also unequal, some people are happy, some people are miserable, some people are successful, some people are rough, and some people like me hide themselves in the crowd because of their different sexual orientations. Under a mask, every day is a mess.There are some things we can change through hard work, and some things we can't do anything about, but we have to live no matter what.We have complained, wept, and even indulged ourselves, but life will have no mercy for you. If you give up on yourself, it will wear you down and watch you go to the grave before giving up.So then I figured it out, life is nothing more than that, if you don't want to die, you have to live well.

Because there is nothing you can do, let nature take its course, and because you have nothing to rely on, you will be at ease with the situation.