Heart fire

The hood of the jeep was very spacious. Xi Yang sat up cross-legged against the windshield, and Zhou Tong rolled into his arms, dangling his long legs on his lap, holding his hand in his arms. Rubbing every finger on his own lips, kissing his fingertips, quietly looking up at him and the shining river of stars above his head, surrounded by tumbling seas of clouds.

"It's so beautiful... the nebula, the dust, the pale blue moon, and you are my favorite."

Moonlight is as cool as Xi Yang's skin temperature.From this angle, Zhou Tong saw the soft lines on his face, the hazy expression, and felt the itchy love that melted on his eyebrows and eyelashes when his fingers caressed his face, his heart was beating vigorously, full of countless With strong emotions, many thoughts that I had never had before came to my mind, all because of him, so I couldn't help but tell him all of them.

"Instructor, I still remember you picking me up. When I met you for the first time, I admired you and was a little afraid of you. I also felt that you were very warm and familiar. I really wanted to get close to you, but I never thought that one day I would be able to So close."

"Did you know? It takes time for light to spread. Every star we see may be what it looked like more than ten years ago. The moonlight in the previous second came from the warmth of the sun 8 minutes ago. Even the me you see now, It's also me who was one-third of a billionth of a second ago."

"Have you thought about the future? I'm thinking about it now. I want to be with you all the time, to be by your side, to live an ordinary life with you, to work, to travel, to spend time together like this, to watch each other through the rest the next life."

"Don't laugh at me, this is all the languages ​​I can think of and use."

"We are in a relationship now. I am your boyfriend and you are also my boyfriend. Like every ordinary couple, we can call each other this way, right?"

"Well, no matter what other people think, I will be your boyfriend. Do you like me? I like you very much. No, I think I love you very much, incredible love you."

......

Cherish the sparkle in his eyes, love his straightforward expression, his slightly green and clumsy words and deeds, and his full and sincere heart.Facing Zhou Tong at this time, Xi Yang realized for the first time that his previous feelings about love were so barren, and his description was so weak. After thinking for a long time, he didn't know how to answer. With the tenderness in his mouth, he held his face and asked him: "Is it lonely? When all relatives leave. My Tongtong has suffered."

"Well..." Zhou Tong thought about it seriously, and said while recalling: "I am really lonely and miss them very much, but I am still happy for them."

feel happy?

Xi Yang was puzzled, and then heard Zhou Tong continue: "I often tell myself that they have escaped the shackles of time and turned back into the most primitive and purest molecules and atoms in the universe, and they are also the closest participants in my life. ,eyewitness."

"Now when I look up at the sky and everything around me, I think that they may be a star, a light, a leaf that protects me from wind and rain, roads and bridges I have traveled."

"I seem to be able to get close to the carbon atoms they owned from every item they left me, every memory. The law of energy conservation keeps them around me forever, and they will never disappear, but they are not so orderly. "

Xi Yang has heard many such words, "They will live in our hearts forever", "They will coexist with time and history", etc., etc., but none of them are so delicate and rational. The group of people represented by "they" are always closer to death than ordinary people, and they are always exploring and pursuing the meaning of life and death and persistence.He may have received profound ideological education, and he has learned a lot from countless personal experiences, but this 19-year-old child has surprised him again and again, and he is so strong and sensible that he feels distressed.

Because of Zhou Tong, he changed from a role longing to be protected and loved to a giver, and truly felt the joy of giving, which is more fulfilling and satisfying than enjoying and getting what others give. Allowing him to see the eternal life in the depths of the fire, the dawn at the end of the long night, giving the pain of the past a meaning of existence and the possibility of healing.

If it is true as Zhou Tong said, everyone who left constitutes everything else in their lives in another form, then at this moment, Zhou Yi may be watching and witnessing the love between him and Zhou Tong.Will he allow it and embrace it?Or will you be angry, angry?But Xi Yang thought, no matter what, as long as he keeps that secret forever, he can always protect Zhou Tong, have his heart, and his warm and deep love.

He wanted to ask Zhou Yi, about the countless carbon atoms that may be attached to flower stamens, in the breeze, in the morning mist, and in the feathers of birds. Will you finally choose to forgive me for having witnessed my pain and sorrow?

Before that, please allow me to be selfish again for this life that I don't know when it will end suddenly...

Zhou Tong didn't notice that Xi Yang was distracted, and suddenly thought of asking him: "Teacher, tell me how you are?"

"Your past, your parents and family, I want to know everything about you."

my past?Xi Yang was taken aback.I am not ashamed of my past, want to forget, what can I tell you?

"I..." He hesitated for a while, and then said slowly: "I'm nothing special. I was a soldier, studied in the Armed Police Academy for several years, and stayed in the fire brigade...in the elementary school. I was born in the city, and my family is very ordinary, and my parents are grassroots cadres. When I was studying... I was not as smart and outstanding as you."

Zhou Tong suddenly turned over and sat up while listening, and looked at Xi Yang with burning eyes: "Then have you ever been in love before?"

A pair of eyes that are still bright in the dark are close at hand.Xi Yang lowered his gaze, lowered his head and said, "Why...ask this suddenly..."

Zhou Tong got closer again, and said sourly with his mouth curled up, "I want to know that you also liked men before, or you only liked me?"

"Have you...have any other boyfriends?"

"No..." Xi Yang felt guilty when he was asked, so he could only perfunctoryly say: "Have you liked it... haven't dated..."

"Ah..." Zhou Tong's face was mixed with joy and sorrow, and at the same time, he couldn't figure out why he became like a hypocritical girl who pestered her lover to inquire about his past love history. She was so curious that she would go crazy with jealousy , but still couldn't help asking: "Why?"

He muttered and said to himself: "You are so nice, who would you like and who would refuse..."

"Zhou Tong." Xi Yang withdrew the hand he was holding and sighed softly. "I'm ashamed. I can't even answer the questions you asked, and I can't promise you the future you want."

"Not everyone can accept same-sex love. It doesn't matter who I like, the important thing is that it is difficult to have a good result. You should understand that everything we do is different when we wear military uniforms and combat uniforms." And on behalf of the individual, we will face parting at any time, how can we afford a long-term relationship? And, if one day Team Yao finds out and other people find out, I'm not sure they won't object and won't see us as a shame. Such feelings are not allowed to exist among soldiers..."

It is undeniable that Zhou Tong was a little disappointed when he heard these words. In his eyes, these things have never been a problem, and he never thought that it would be a problem for Xi Yang.

Xi Yang's response made him feel that empty and powerless feeling in his heart again, so he couldn't help but think wildly, Officer Huo was able to ignore these things because of his high position and high rank, or because he was in a different system. Does the so-called military discipline, ethics and morals openly and boldly pursue him in spite of the worldly vision?

What about Wenyue?What about yourself?Are you not qualified to stand at the same height as him because you are not strong enough?

The person the trainer liked... must be very powerful and excellent, otherwise how could he be rejected and still agree with these ideas.I always feel that he doesn't seem like someone who would worry about so many people. He is obviously tolerant and gentle to me in full view... He obviously cares about me very much...

His tone of voice is so familiar, like Zhou Yi!Always consider others first in everything, consider the mission and responsibilities that are on your shoulders, honor and morality, but in this comparison, I seem to be really too superficial, too bad, and too unenlightened!

At this moment, Zhou Tong looks at Xi Yang just like he used to look at Zhou Yi, admiring and admiring him, but he can't compare with him, but after thinking about it, he still doesn't understand what all this has to do with love... .

Xi Yang seemed very afraid that he would continue to ask, and was anxious to end the conversation, so he got out of the car before him, and said with his back to him: "Go back, it's too late."

wait for me.Zhou Tong jumped out of the car, looked at Xi Yang's thin back and said silently, Instructor, wait for me, one day I will wear a military uniform, kiss you with full pride, hold your hand, and never Just follow you, but walk side by side with you.

...

In the second half of the journey, the two had their own concerns and didn't talk much. After returning to the camp, Zhou Tong still secretly blocked Xi Yang in the corner of the garage, asked him for a kiss, said good night, and warmed him up. hands to leave in peace.

No one checked the dormitory in the middle of the night, and Zheng Jiang had already gone to bed.Xi Yang went to the bathhouse to take a bath before Zhou Tong, and when he finished washing and dressing, he saw an osmanthus brown sugar in the locker that he and Zhou Tong bought in the supermarket on the Mid-Autumn Festival.

When Tu Ke was not there, Xiang Yu insisted on moving to the squadron dormitory. Xi Yang didn't want to share the same room with Zheng Jiang, and couldn't sleep, so he put down his things and put on a coat, and took the candy to the empty office.

Osmanthus nougat is indeed a specialty of Yunling.In the past, there were no snacks, adults and children loved to eat them, but nowadays, no one would buy them except for the festivals and occasions, as souvenirs for tourists from other places. It was too sweet and sticky to the teeth. Xi Yang hadn’t eaten it for many years.

I said too many things that shouldn't be said tonight. Before that, Xi Yang was still looking for all kinds of reasons to be selfish and brave, but then he lost his confidence for no reason.Thinking of Zhou Tong's lost appearance, he suddenly felt guilty and blamed himself, so as soon as he arrived at the office, he opened the calendar to calculate the time, picked up one of the recording bears on the table that Zhou Tong dismantled in half, and seriously thought about what he should do. Say something to make it up to him.

What do you say?Happy birthday, miss you, like you, thank you for showing up?Or do you wish you peace and safety, and smooth sailing to get what you want?It seems that they are too deliberate, too boring, too "teacher".

Zhou Tong will be [-] in more than a month. Life has just begun for him. There are many blessings and reminders. After thinking about it, Xi Yang realizes that he is still as self-willed as before. What I said to him was please he can always like me, always like me, even if I just poured cold water on him against my will two hours ago, which almost extinguished his enthusiasm.

Recalling the yearning and innocent eyes of a child when he asked him for this little bear, Xi Yang suddenly realized that everything he wanted was actually very simple and easy to satisfy, and he couldn't ignore it, and he couldn't refuse it at all. , Then he remembered his request to hear himself sing a song when he passed the karaoke machine that day.

Why don't you sing a few lines to him?

The storage time is only tens of seconds. After recording the sound, Xi Yang put the bear back into the bag and locked it together with the other bear in his cabinet.

Everything on the desk remained as it had been messed up by Zhou Tong's recklessness before going to the police.His "A Brief History of Time" lay among a pile of scattered papers, pens and documents. Due to frequent flipping, the corners and spine of the book were a little worn, and the pages no longer fit together.Xi Yang picked it up and held it in his hands. The old touch made him seem to see the longing years on the desks in the classroom, in the quilt of the dormitory, and in front of the sunny glass window in the library. The young man read word by word over and over again, kept thinking and asking questions, wandering in the romantic fantasy of the origin of the universe, time and space, naive and rational, lonely and rich, like a nameless boat wandering alone on the outskirts of the galaxy, watching It seems small, but it has a distant heart.

Why doesn't Xi Yang want to have the ability to travel across time and space, go back to any day in Zhou Tong's past life that he has never participated in, hug him, touch his head, and give him a little warmth that he lacks.

While thinking like this, Xi Yang unknowingly flipped through for a long time, and suddenly turned to a page with something in the middle of the book.

This is......

After five years, Xi Yang didn't react when he saw the yellowed letter for the first time, but when he took it out and looked at it again, he instantly recognized the small words written in two lines on the front of the envelope.

suicide note.

Time is pressed to stop, and the screen starts to rewind.On a windy night five years ago, in a cramped bathroom, a weak torch light, a piece of paper torn from a diary, a dry nib that wasn’t smooth enough, a heart full of sweetness and pain, humbleness and longing The child in the heart... The book fell to the ground, and Xi Yang's ten fingers suddenly began to tremble. The dusty memory was on the verge of bursting out because of the suicide note in his hand that was burnt to ashes and could not be forgotten, and instantly crushed everything in him. With luck and faith in my heart.

Soaked in tears and moisture, and repeatedly dried, the stiff paper is as strange as the heart full of holes at that time, but the temperature of every fiber is as hot as the infatuation that rushed in the blood when writing.

Xi Yang thought, he was wrong, he no longer had the confidence to keep this secret, just like he couldn't convince himself not to care about Tao Weinan's words, firmly Zhou Tong would believe that his brother's death was just an accident after knowing the truth one day .

He told himself that he understood that Zhou Tong's appearance was not as he expected, it was Zhou Yi who forgave him and gave him a chance to face it again, but reminded him all the time, never forget the mistakes he made , I have to take my whole life to bear it, to slowly atone for my sins.