Goldberg Variations

When Pei Wen woke up, he was in the ICU again.

This is the second time.

He was tired and weak, and his consciousness was in a trance.

I vaguely heard the nurse say that someone wanted to see him.

Then he saw Gu Kai's face through the video.

Gu Kai saved him?

Gu Kai's complexion was so ugly... Pei Wen had never seen him like this before, his eyes were bloodshot, his eyes were black and blue, his beard was unshaven, and his hair was unkempt.

Pei Wen was wearing a ventilator, unable to speak, moved his chapped lips, and then tears flowed down his face.

……

When Gu Kai received the call, he was in the same city as Pei Wen.

These days, he is like a wandering soul, like a shadow, following Pei Wen through one city after another.Sometimes he would go to Pei Wen's performance, sometimes not.

But even if he doesn't watch the performance, he will stand at the door of the theater and look at the person on the poster.

He hasn't been sleeping very well recently. In order to avoid being disturbed at night, he always turns off his mobile phone when he falls asleep, and turns it on again when he wakes up the next day.

When he woke up the morning before yesterday, he turned on his phone and saw a dozen missed calls, all from one person: Pei Wen.

And an endless text message: I'm sorry.

Gu Kai's mind buzzed.

Although he didn't know what happened yet, his intuition told him that there must be something very bad.

Gu Kai contacted Hong Qian immediately, got Pei Wen's hotel and room number from her, and rushed towards him.

Gu Kai couldn't describe how he felt when he saw Pei Wen in a pool of blood.

If possible, he hoped that he would never think of that scene again.

Gu Kai has never waited outside the ICU so anxiously.

Although it was the same last time, he didn't have such deep feelings for Pei Wen at that time.

But this time, he was anxious every minute and every second.

Only now did Gu Kai realize how afraid he was of losing Pei Wen.

He was afraid, terribly afraid.

Yu Shuangshuang rushed over after receiving the news, and accompanied him, waiting outside the ICU.

She wanted to blame Gu Kai for not taking good care of Pei Wen.Blaming Pei Wen for liking him so much and trusting him so much, why couldn't Gu Kai be a little more patient and caring for Pei Wen?

But seeing Gu Kai's face, Yu Shuangshuang couldn't say anything.

Gu Kai's pain will not be less than hers.

Pei Wen cut his wrist this time, severing tendons and veins, but luckily he didn't cut an artery, otherwise it would be too late by the time Gu Kai rushed over.

However, his injury was still serious, he lost a lot of blood, and even if the severed tendon was connected, his wrist would not be able to recover in the future.

While the two were waiting together, Yu Shuangshuang even saw Gu Kai cutting his wrist with a utility knife.

She was startled, grabbed the utility knife, and cursed:

"Are you crazy?!"

Gu Kai looked up at her numbly: "...I didn't want to commit suicide."

"Then what are you doing?" Yu Shuangshuang was furious.

"I... I just want to try, does it hurt, how much does it hurt?" Gu Kai lowered his eyes.

Yu Shuangshuang saw him crying.

Knowing each other for so long, this is the first time Yu Shuangshuang sees Gu Kai's tears.

She was speechless for a while, and cursed with tears in her eyes, "You must be crazy!"

Gu Kai touched the incision on his wrist.

"It hurts. Pei Wen must have hurt more than me."

Gu Kai raised his head and asked Yu Shuangshuang: "It hurts so much, how could he be so determined to attack him?"

"Does he really want to live that much?"

Gu Kai didn't understand.

Yu Shuangshuang was silent for a while, then suddenly said: "Actually, I committed suicide too."

"..." Gu Kai was a little confused, "What?"

Yu Shuangshuang, who usually looks jovial, also committed suicide?

"Why?" Gu Kai asked.

"That was years ago."

Yu Shuangshuang leaned against the wall, raised her head slightly, as if recalling: "At that time, my grandfather passed away."

"Grandpa is the person who loves me the most in this world."

"All of my fondest memories of home come from my grandpa."

"After he left, I felt like the sky was falling."

"From now on, I can only face the couple alone - I feel suffocated every second with them."

"So at that time, I felt that there was no more hope in life, and life was gloomy."

Gu Kai also experienced the death of his relatives, but he was too young at that time, and his parents were by his side, so he didn't go to Yu Shuangshuang's level at all.

"So, once when I was at their house, I had a quarrel with them, and in a fit of rage, I jumped off the fourth floor."

Yu Shuangshuang laughed self-deprecatingly: "In the end, I was very lucky. I only had a broken bone, and it recovered within a few months."

"And the process of recovering from injuries is still very grueling."

When mentioning grandpa, Yu Shuangshuang lowered her eyes sadly.

Gu Kai was thinking about how to comfort her, when she saw Yu Shuangshuang smiling, with tears in her eyes:

"It's okay, I'm out now."

Yu Shuangshuang wiped the tears from the corners of her eyes, and said with a smile, "I just want to say that when a person doesn't want to live, the pain of cutting one's wrist is nothing at all."

"For him, surviving itself is already the most painful thing."

"Why the pain?" Gu Kai asked.

"I suggest you learn more about depression." Yu Shuangshuang said.

Pei Wen stayed in the ICU for three or four days, and then was transferred to the intensive care unit for observation.

He was out of danger, but his face was still as pale as a skeleton, just like Kantai said.

Gu Kai didn't know what Pei Wen was thinking. Ever since he was transferred to the intensive care unit, Pei Wen had been silent.

Because of his weakness, he sleeps most of the day.When I don't sleep, I stare out the window in a daze.

It was the same hospital last time, so the familiar ginkgo tree was still outside the window.

The leaves of the ginkgo tree have grown again, tender green, gratifying, swaying in the wind.

Pei Wen looked at the ginkgo tree for two hours.

Gu Kai and Yu Shuangshuang stayed by his bed the whole time, not wanting to irritate Pei Wen, so they occasionally chatted nonchalantly.

Sometimes not two people are there, but at least one person will stay with him.

Gu Kai took care of himself again, so as not to look like a tramp in embarrassment, lest Pei Wen blame himself.

After staying in the intensive care unit for a few days, Pei Wen was transferred to the general ward.

The weather is getting hotter day by day, summer is here.

In the afternoon, Pei Wen was lost in thought looking at the blazing sun.

"Would you like to sleep for a while?" The sun was too strong, Gu Kai half closed the curtains and asked Pei Wen back.

Pei Wen shook his head, still looking at the ginkgo tree under the sun.

Gu Kai thought for a while, then suddenly said: "You are not a ginkgo tree."

Pei Wen looked up at him.

Gu Kai approached him, bent down and stroked Pei Wen's hair, and said with a gentle smile, "At least, you still have me."

"Well, there is also Yu Shuangshuang," Gu Kai added, "She is also very worried about you."

Pei Wen saw Gu Kai's bracelet.

The rose gold bracelet was handcuffed to Gu Kai's wrist like handcuffs.

Pei Wen's one was originally worn on his wrist, but it was taken off during the operation, and now Gu Kai is keeping it.

He also saw a thin scar on Gu Kai's wrist, as ugly as a bug.

Pei Wen looked up at Gu Kai's eyes.

He didn't say anything, but Gu Kai understood what he meant, touched the scar, and smiled: "I just want to try to see how painful it is, and I don't mean to be overwhelmed."

Pei Wen was stunned.

Gu Kai looked down at him and said lovingly, "Does your heart hurt?"

"Do you know how I felt when I saw you?"

Pei Wen's eyes were moist, tears welled up, his lower lip squirmed, and whispered: "I'm sorry..."

"It's okay." Gu Kai smiled, "You don't have to say sorry to me, I won't blame you."

Pei Wen didn't speak.

Gu Kai then took out Pei Wen's bracelet, waved it in front of his eyes, and asked with a smile, "Do you want it?"

Pei Wen reached out and said, "...Mine."

Gu Kai held his hand and comforted him: "It's yours, no one will snatch it from you. I'll put it on for you and put it on your right hand, okay?"

Pei Wen nodded.

Gu Kai put the bracelet on Pei Wen's right wrist.

Pei Wen's wrist is very thin, it seems to be thinner than when Gu Kai measured his wrist at the beginning.

He was thin again, and his bones were broken.

After putting it on, Gu Kai stroked the bracelet, feeling rejoiced and scared at the same time.

He still remembered the blood stained on it when he got the bracelet.

It has dried up and is dark red, but still glaring, with a faint smell of blood.

Thinking of that scene, Gu Kai couldn't stand it, he quickly stopped his memory, carefully put Pei Wen's hand into the quilt, and tucked the corners of the quilt.

"We'll wear it on your left hand after you leave the hospital, okay? Now you have to get injections every day, which is inconvenient."

Pei Wen looked at Gu Kai and said nothing.

Gu Kai was not in a hurry, and asked calmly, "What's the matter? Is there anything you want to say, or what do you want to do?"

In the past two days, Gu Kai found time to see Dr. Liang.

On the one hand, they chatted about Pei Wen's recent situation, asked him how he should face Pei Wen now, and got a lot of professional advice.

On the other hand, it is also a psychological consultation for him.Whether it was the exhaustion accumulated during the previous relationship between the two, the pain of breaking up, or the fear of witnessing his lover lying in a pool of blood, he realized that he also needed psychological counseling.

Only when he stays healthy can he accompany Pei Wen better.

Pei Wen still looked at him motionless.

"Do you want to drink water? Or do you want to go to the toilet? Or is it uncomfortable?" Gu Kai asked in the same way.

Pei Wen didn't respond.

Gu Kai stroked Pei Wen's hair, and said softly, "It's okay if you don't want to say it, I'm right here, if you want to say it, just tell me."

Pei Wen burst into tears, and said sadly: "...I can't move..."

He also wanted to respond to Gu Kai, but he couldn't move or make a sound.

Gu Kai quickly held Pei Wen's hand and coaxed: "It's okay, let's take our time, okay? If you can't move, lie down for a while, if you can't talk, show me with your eyes, and see if I can guess what you want to do." What?"

He deliberately teased Pei Wen with witty words.

But Pei Wen didn't smile.

"Gu Kai..." He didn't know where to generate strength out of thin air, got up and hugged Gu Kai, and cried, "Don't leave me."

"do not leave Me……"

"I love you, Gu Kai."

"Without you, I would die, I would really die..."

He hugged Gu Kai tightly, warm tears wet Gu Kai's neck.

These years, Pei Wen was alone and had nothing, floating in the world like a rootless duckweed, never being needed or cared about by anyone.

Even if you leave, not many people will care.

Pei Wen was out of breath from crying, and kept begging Gu Kai not to leave him.

Gu Kai could only hug Pei Wen tightly, caress his back, and whisper in the young man's ear:

"I won't leave, I'm here, always with you."

"Don't be afraid."

作者有话要说：感谢在2021-02-1621:31:48~2021-02-1720:06:27期间为我投出霸王票或灌溉营养液的小天使哦~

Thanks to the little angel of irrigation nutrient solution: Ah Jiu 10 bottles; 471423921 bottles;

Thank you very much for your support, I will continue to work hard!