paranoid like you

2010. 5, 18

When I was playing outside today, I met a little brother. He is very, very good-looking, with big eyes and very tall.I really want to talk to him, but there are always a lot of friends around him, I can't get in the conversation, everyone likes to play with him.

I heard others call him Fu Chaosi, the name sounds nice!Hope to see him tomorrow when we go out to play.

2010. 5, 21

Seeing Fu Chaosi again today, they come home very late every time.I really want to play with them for a while, but my parents will say me when I go home late, why don't my parents say it when they come home late?I envy them so much!

Also, he's not an older brother, he's the same age as me.I heard what Xiaopang said, hehe, overheard.

March 2010, 6

Today they said that they were going to explore the haunted house at night, but I was so scared that I didn’t dare to go, but Fu Chaosi said that those who didn’t go would be grandsons, but I don’t want to be his grandson at all, I really want to be friends with him, even though I am now Haven't said a word to him yet.

Although they didn't make an appointment with me, but I don't want Fu Chaosi to think that I am a grandson, so I must go tonight, maybe Fu Chaosi thinks I am brave, so he is willing to be friends with me!

Mom and Dad go to bed at 10:30, after they go to bed, I can sneak out!

Come on, Yang Xue!

2017. 7, 13

After seven years, I finally have the courage to open this diary again.Looking at the previous diary, I suddenly felt that I was ridiculous, but even if it was ridiculous, at least I was innocent, but now, I have lost even my innocence.

For me, these past few years have been utterly miserable.

That night, after my parents were asleep, I went to the haunted house as promised, but I didn't wait for the long-awaited Fu Chaosi.

When I was a child, I was really stupid and stupid. I was so timid, and I don’t know where the courage came from, but I dared to go to that kind of place alone.

But the darkness really wears down one's will. When I was in the corner of an old bungalow, experiencing the loneliest and most frightening time in my life, I finally heard footsteps.I thought it was Fu Chaosi who came, so I ran out excitedly.

But in return, it is the pain that will never be erased in this life.

Those three strange men surrounded me and did things to me that I still dare not recall.

But it didn't end there, they actually poured acid on me, ignoring me crying like crazy.The louder I yelled, the more excited they became, and they even scratched my already riddled skin with daggers.

I once endured pain and fright and cried desperately. I prayed that there would be a prince in a fairy tale book, wearing armor and riding a white horse, who would take me home from thousands of miles away.

But until I fell into a coma from the pain, I didn't look forward to the person in my heart.

Since that incident, I have suffered from serious mental illness and have been in treatment for many years.

My heart doctor told me that if I want to continue to live, I must have a good sustenance in my heart.She hypnotized me and asked me to find a hope to support my life.

When I woke up, I found that the sustenance was not my parents, nor my brother, but Fu Chaosi.

This name made my brother furious, he wished he could beat me, scold me and criticize me, but he couldn't bear it, so he could only secretly blame me for not being up to date.

In fact, I don't blame my brother for hating Fu Chaosi. After all, I have been tortured, but he disappeared overnight. It is said that he immigrated to the United States.

I heard that he left at noon on the day I went to the haunted house, that is to say, it was impossible for Fu Chaosi to be there that night.

Now that I think about it, I am so stupid. If I hadn't gone there, I wouldn't have had everything that followed.

But I had delusional thoughts, and even really wanted to ask Fu Chaosi, if he hadn't gone to the United States, would he have come over that night?If he comes over, can he come to rescue me on a white horse?

But if Fu Chaosi really came back then, he might be arrested by the bad guys like me.

If this is the case, it is better for me to bear it alone.

2017. 8, 15

The psychiatrist told me that you need a sustenance to fall in love with the beauty of the world.At her suggestion, I started writing to Fu Chaosi every day.

I even made up the letters between the age of eight and 15, 360 five days a year, one letter a day, I don't want to miss it.

Later, with the mentality of trying, I went over the wall to search for news about Fu Chaosi on the Internet, but I did not expect to find it.

There are a lot of news about Fu Chaosi on the Internet. He is studying in a noble school in Los Angeles. He is the No.1 grade. He often participates in various competitions and has won many awards.

Fu Chaosi in the photo looks more handsome than when he was a child. Suddenly he felt that he was very discerning when he was a child. He is still so dazzling. In the crowd, he can be noticed at a glance.

Even in America, there must be many people who like him.

Fu Chaosi, do you have a girlfriend?

Haha, I really want to laugh, what am I thinking, even if I don't have a girlfriend, he won't like me.

When I was young, he didn't want to look at me directly, and now he even disdains to look at me. Maybe he would even feel disgusted seeing me now.

But so what, my doctor said, liking is never controlled by time, space and human subjective consciousness.There's nothing wrong with letting that person be your soul's anchor, he might make you a better person.

It is said on the Internet that Fu Chaosi especially likes Mathematical Olympiad, so I will study hard, maybe one day I can participate in the international Mathematical Olympiad, looking forward to meeting her.

Yang Xue, come on!you can!

March 2017, 8

I had a dream last night. I dreamed that I made dessert for Fu Chaosi. Fu Chaosi smiled and touched my head and told me it was delicious.

After waking up from the dream, I was scared to death by myself and felt ashamed.But this kind of thing, I only dare to talk to my psychiatrist.

She said that she thinks about it every day and dreams at night, probably because I have recently become fond of making desserts, so why not try to make them to relax my mind.

2017/8/30

I found that making desserts is really a joyful thing, even if I never have the chance to make it for Fu Chaosi in my life, at least I can still dream!

School is about to start!Soon to be a high school student.

But Fu Chaosi, you are still in the third year of junior high school, immigrant took a year off from school, you are going to call me senior sister!

I don't know if you are doing well in the US.But it must be very good, you are so excellent, the excellence that I can never hope for.

I will work hard!

2019. 4, 15

Today, a freshman was transferred in the second year of high school, and all the girls in the class were blown up.They said that the transfer student was very tall and handsome, and seemed to be very rich.

It is said that he also dyed his hair, wore earrings, and ignored the teacher at all.

I didn't think so at the time, no matter how handsome Fu Chaosi was, he would never be as handsome.

But the classmates in the class said that the boy was transferred from the United States, and his name was Fu Chaosi.

I once thought that I had heard it wrong, and I couldn't listen to it for a whole class.After class, I couldn't wait to come to Class [-], Grade [-]. In the corner of the last row, I saw a boy sleeping on the table.

I am sure,

He is Fu Chaosi.

Even though I haven't seen him in ten years, I know it's him.

2019. 4, 16

Fu Chaosi, have you ever tasted the taste of secret love?It feels sweet on sunny days and bitter on cloudy days.At other times, it is sour and astringent, which is not very pleasant, but it feels like I have tried it for many years.

When I was eight years old, I just liked watching you, but now I realize that maybe it’s not just simply liking to watch you, but... liking you.

Seeing you wearing a pure white T-shirt and dark sports pants, smiling in the sun with one hand in your trouser pocket, at that moment, the whole world is shining brightly because of you.You who are excellent and smart may never understand, but I have to work hard to keep up with you who are clumsy.

I don't dare to expect me to be in your life, I only hope... to be able to catch up with your shadow in my world.

March 2019, 4

This is probably the magical power of liking someone.

Is this an opportunity God gave me?An opportunity that can be used to make wishes come true.

I couldn't believe that Fu Chaosi would really come back.

But after Fu Chaosi transferred, besides me and my brother, the excited people.

For so many years, the murderer who hurt me has been at large, and my brother lives in anger every day.He not only hated those bad guys, but also Fu Chaosi.The elder brother even tried every means to get revenge on Fu Chaosi.

But I dare not persuade my brother, I know he is for me.My therapist told me never to hurt someone who loves you.

That's right, since that's the case, I can only rely on my brother.

Over the years, my brother has always wanted to train me to be a person who can protect myself.In order to make me stronger, he doesn't allow me to depend on anyone, he doesn't even let me call him brother in school.He also taught me boxing, but I was so stupid that I couldn't learn it well.

2019. 4, 21

I learned another piece of good news today. Recently, Qianyang City organized a number of Olympic training. Each school has only four places, and my brother and I are among them.Of course, the happiest thing was that Fu Chaosi was also there.

At the beginning, I was worried that he had just transferred and could not participate.But there happened to be a student who abstained due to physical reasons, so the school gave him the spot.

But the students in the school seem to think that Fu Chaosi is a student who doesn't like to study, and even this quota was obtained through abnormal means.But he is really a very good person, especially mathematics, really very good!

In fact, as long as you search the major websites in the United States, you can know a lot of news about Fu Chaosi.

I was really angry and wanted to explain to him, but I felt so stupid that I didn't dare to say anything, and even now I dare not take the initiative to talk to him.

This time I will try my best to talk to him when I go to the number training.

Come on Yang Xue, you can do it!

March 2019, 4

I'm so happy, I arrived at the training base today!

I also took the initiative to introduce myself to Fu Chaosi.Fu Chaosi's attitude and tone are so gentle, he is really a good person.

However, he doesn't seem to remember me at all, which is a bit of a pity.

Also, I was so nervous when I introduced myself, I wondered if I could make a good impression on him.

March 2019, 4

Like my therapist said, all hard work in this world pays off.

I didn't want to believe it at the beginning, but this time I really believed it.

I was very poor in mathematics since I was a child, so I worked hard to learn Olympiad for Fu Chaosi.

At that time, I was thinking that if I learned mathematics well, I might really have a chance to meet him in the same arena.

But as I get older, I feel that my previous ideas are really stupid.But when the wish came true, it was so good that I began to doubt myself.

Fu Chaosi, thank you again, without you, I might not be able to live to this day, let alone have such good grades.

After all, I work hard every day, just hoping not to be too far away from you.

By the way, there is one more great news to announce.

Fu Chaosi is really really really really good, he got into the first dormitory in the exam for dormitory allocation, it turns out that there are really perfect people in this world.

March 2019, 4

It should have been a very happy day, but my brother's behavior still made me feel uncomfortable.

So far, my brother still targets Fu Chaosi everywhere, saying some unfounded things to frame him.

I don't want him to be slandered by my brother, but whenever I want to stand by Fu Chaosi's side, I can always think of the words of the psychiatrist, never hurt the person who loves you.

My brother did this for me, I can only rely on my brother, but fortunately, my brother has not done anything excessive now.

Fu Chaosi, don't be frightened by your brother!I know you won't, you've always been so strong and brave.

In my eyes, you are the invincible God,

March 2019, 4

Today was another happy day. Fu Chaosi was able to answer the questions first or second almost every time and went to eat.Fu Chaosi, you need to eat more, you are so skinny!

Although thin and handsome, but sometimes it looks quite distressed.

Today my brother quarreled with Fu Chaosi again, and I was too helpless by the side.One side is my brother, and the other side is the person I like, it is really too troublesome.When will my brother's endless revenge stop?

However, Fu Chaosi gave us a lecture today. He is really smart, powerful, and his thinking is too clear. It may be a height that I will never reach.

Sometimes I think about it, this world is quite unfair, why some people are born so good and can achieve excellent results without any effort, but I have to work hard to not be left too far behind by him.

But I will not give up, I will always silently follow behind him and watch him.