[Tutorial] Sense and Sensibility

"...You can't imagine how terrified I was at that time." There was a wave of fluctuation in Alan's calm voice: "Pauline has always been a relative in my heart...but I..." Deep After taking a deep breath, Allen continued: "It was a sense of chaos/lunacy... At that time, I just felt that I actually fucked my own sister... This kind of knowledge made me extremely loathe myself .”

"Aren't you not related by blood?"

"It's not a blood relationship," Alan shook his head slightly, explaining: "We have lived together for 17 years, from ignorant children to adults, and we have already recognized each other as our relatives in our hearts. Divided and recognized, from a certain point of view, except that Pauline does not have the same blood as mine, she is a relative I have long recognized. In my heart, her status is the same as that of my father and mother... So what happened at that time The thing about it - to say an inappropriate metaphor - makes me feel like I have sex/love with my... mother... It's a terrible feeling... I've been depressed for a long time because of this, from the bottom of my heart I'm so sick of myself... Mo, you don't understand the kind of trembling that comes from the heart... It's like the soul is being torn apart, it's really an excruciating torment."

"...and I've been estranged from Pauline since then, I really don't know how to deal with her...especially now that I know she used drugs on me...do you think I'm stupid too ? To be treated like this by my own "sister"..."

"No." Wen Danmo shook his head... She thought of her first time with Hibari Kyouya.

"The feeling of the medicine is too strong, no one can restrain themselves...we are all normal people."

A flash of surprise flashed in Alan's blue eyes, but it disappeared quickly, and then continued: "At first I apologized to her in shame, but to be honest, I didn't expect her to forgive me...but Pauline said she was very happy...especially after I found out about the drug, my suffering and shame turned to anger...I completely alienated her and hoped she would wake up."

"...I started to deal with my family because of my girlfriend's arrival. You know, although my father and mother don't mind my relationship in the United States, they don't agree to bring her back to France... It's not because of family status, It's that the girl's family is full of decent people who have nothing to do with the mafia. If we get involved with us, it will become very troublesome, and it may implicate her family... My mother actually likes her, but she was born I don't agree with us being together because of various considerations... My parents are very aristocratic people, and they are worried that that girl will cause unnecessary trouble if she is with me."

"...At this time, Pauline was pregnant...but I was not in a good situation at the time, so in order not to cause trouble for me, she didn't tell me anything and went for the operation herself...But afterwards I was told My father knows. My father has always loved Pauline very much, so when he learned that she had undergone this operation, my father was furious, and my mother was also sad and angry. They kept asking who Pauline was... Then I found out it was me." Allen said with a wry smile: "I didn't know she was pregnant and had undergone an operation until my father found me... At that time, my heart was really complicated, and there was some physical nausea."

"...Don't they know about the medicine?" Looking at Xingzi in the distance, Wen Danmo asked quietly.

"Pauline didn't say anything," Alan shook his head with a wry smile, and said helplessly, "Of course I wouldn't say it...she has already had an abortion, and if she reveals this again, she will really be ashamed." Faced with father and mother... No matter what, she is my sister, and the relationship between us for more than ten years makes it impossible for me to hurt her again."

"and after?"

"Later... I was forced to marry her, because she said she loved me for a long time in front of her parents, and although her parents had always treated her like their own daughter, they didn't mind being married because of their blood relationship. Dear...so after hesitating for a while, I made this decision."

"...No one has asked your wishes?"

"My wish?" Alan chuckled sarcastically: "I used all my strength to resist this decision. Isaac even hijacked the elders of the family... However, everyone asked me why I didn't marry Bo. Why doesn't Lynn get married." Taking a deep breath, Allen said lightly: "In the eyes of everyone, it was me who got drunk/sexed with Pauline, and then Pauline got pregnant because of it, and then Pauline In order not to trouble me, Lynn went for the operation quietly...In the eyes of everyone, Pauline and I have lived together for 17 years, so the relationship is extraordinary, and her love for me is a kind of deep loveliness. "

"..." Slightly pursing his lips, Wen Danmo still couldn't help asking: "Are you... sure that the child that Pauline is pregnant with is yours?"

It hurts to ask such a question, but it is indeed a question in Wen Danmo's heart.

Allen paused for a moment, then smiled helplessly, and said in a low voice: "Well. Father is also very strict with her, and Pauline is also relatively introverted, and she is not good at dealing with others... She has always read Lyon's In a girls' school, even if a man wants to get her ideas, he will be afraid of the strength of the Bernard family, and... that night was her first time."

Wen Danmo was silent.

"At that time, no one understood my "chaos/lun" sense of collapse... In their view, we were not related by blood, so it was okay to be married together... But my 17 years of cognition told me that I Just a... as you say, beast... Marrying Pauline is really a terrible nightmare, she is my sister... no one understands, not only do I have no "love" for her, even I feel that being with her is a shameful incest..."

"The elders around me have told me since I was a child that Pauline is my sister, so I have to treat her well and not bully her, because I am her brother... I did it, but why do I have to draw her out in my heart? She forced me to marry her when she was a "relative"... Don't play tricks on me like that. "

"...I have made troubles, threatened, and fled, but none of them can match my father's last words... That year, my father had a cerebral hemorrhage and was rescued twice in the hospital, but he finally left. The irony is that his last words actually It was for me to marry Pauline. This time it was completely irresistible, and my father put me in chains with his own death, so I had to break up with the Ukrainian girl and marry Pauline after officially inheriting the Bernard family. "

"After I got married, on the one hand, I was busy with the affairs of the Bernard family, and on the other hand, out of deliberate avoidance, I never touched her again...or I don't want to touch her anyway. Sometimes I would talk to her at the dance. The woman I knew stayed for one night, and sometimes went to some specific places for entertainment, anyway, I just didn't want to provoke her... until more than a year later, Pauline came to me and said that she wanted a child. "

"She was only 22 years old at the time, and as an elder brother, I did not approve of her premature birth...Moreover, I really couldn't touch her anymore. At that time, I already understood that on the one hand, I didn't want to touch her out of my inner chaos/ Lun’s torment, but more because I really don’t have the love of a lover for Pauline... In the face of other women, I don’t care to touch them even if I don’t love them, but Pauline is different. My sister—this is a memory that will never be erased. I can't use the routine used on other women on my sister. "

"... This time Pauline's attitude was very insistent. She said that she lost her first child because of me, and now I should give her back one... What kind of logic do you think this is..." Allen Sighing: "I have been troubled by this for a long time, and then I thought that since Pauline is so persistent, I should just let her give birth to the next generation of Bernard family heirs earlier - my mother also hoped so ——Since she said she wants to stay in this house for the rest of her life, let her take care of the child well... And to be honest, I was still young at that time, I just naively hoped that she could turn all her attention to the child... Thinking about it now, that reckless decision was really stupid."

"... I took the pills and then I made love to her and she was in good health so I conceived my child again... I was conflicted at the time but Pauline had had an abortion and As the elder brother who grew up with me, I still attach great importance to this pregnancy... I secretly read a lot of pregnant women's notices and learned a lot of pregnancy precautions, but I am not used to doing things in front of her... There was always some inexplicable resistance in my heart... Then, Pauline disappeared when she was more than seven months pregnant."

"...At that time, as the leader of the Bernard family, I formulated a new development plan, so I terminated the alliance with many alliance families. I just wanted to concentrate on developing in France, and then gradually removed the Bernard family from the Mafia. Pulled away in the muddy water... Maybe this decision has annoyed some families... They kidnapped Pauline, but the conditions they put forward were ridiculously high... In order to save Pauline, I dealt with the other party, and at the same time raised the other party's proposal. The request... can be said to be pinched by the other party's lifeline."

"...this back-and-forth lasted for over a week...you know how important a week-plus is for a pregnant woman...the place where they held Pauline was...terrible. Under those conditions , How can a pregnant woman raise a baby with peace of mind... By the time we found Pauline, she was already gassy and couldn't bear to give birth... Just like that, my daughter was born, two months prematurely... And Pauline died in childbirth due to an infection in her body."

"...It wasn't until that time that I realized that she was still the most important existence in my life. Really... I didn't expect that her death would make me see a lot... Even if we are married, so what, I It's always been her brother...it's my responsibility to take care of her...but I didn't do anything for her when she was pregnant...that really became a kind of regret." Taking a deep breath, Allen looked at Xingzi from a distance, with a faint expression on his face, and said softly: "She left, carrying my regret and guilt, and then left Alice...Alice is my daughter. As a premature baby, Alice's health was not good, and in the following years, almost all my thoughts were devoted to Alice...until now."

……

……

"Do you still regret it? Marrying her." After a while, Wen Danmo said quietly, his voice calm and without any waves.

"Regret?" Allen shook his head, and said lightly, "Everyone is gone, what else is there to say... All my feelings, whether sad or resistant, all returned to zero with her departure."

"...Then if she is still there, will you still be relieved?"

"...I don't know." Alan was silent for a while, and said honestly: "Life is not a dress rehearsal, it won't give you a chance to start over, so you lose the right to compare choices... Each of us can only You can make a choice for yourself at a certain time, and once you choose, whether it brings you happiness or sadness, you should accept it."

"...Can't you regret it?"

"You mean... to choose again?" Allen looked sideways, saw Wen Danmo nod his head slightly, and then smiled wryly: "What has happened belongs to the past, even if you regret it and want to choose again, you can't go back It's the past, so your "re" choice can only be based on what has happened now... Mo, we can't change the past, so all we can do is cherish the present. "

"What about the future?"

"The future... well, even if you "re" choose, your future direction will not be the direction that your "initial" choice can achieve, because your "initial" choice is not it, and your "initial" choice Everything you choose will subtly affect you, making it impossible for you to return to "regularity"...so all I can do is accept it all. "

"... Isn't it uncomfortable?" Wen Danmo's voice was harsh.

"Mo..." With a slight sigh, Allen relaxed his body, and said lightly: "I am eight years older than you, so I can tell you based on my current experience: the past is just a life experience, and It's not our burden." At the end, he asked: "After talking so much, what exactly do you want to express?"

Wen Danmo pursed his lips slightly, but did not answer.