Plan carefully

My mother's funeral was settled with the help of relatives and friends. Wu Yue and Lao Tian were all driven away to work by me.People dispersed and returned to normal life, but the person who gave me so much warmth and love could never come back. She turned into a black and white photo and stood on the wall, her voice and appearance were still there, silent.

Father looked very calm. He may have done countless psychological constructions for his mother's departure. Of course, that was obviously not enough.He walked back and forth in the room, unable to sit down at all, from this room to that room, as if he was looking for something, but also as if he had nothing, just at a loss what to do.

I sat motionless on the sofa in a daze.

There is one person missing, and many things have been taken away. I don’t know how she supported so much comfort and warmth, so much excitement and joy. My dad and I could hardly live in a world without her.

Dad turned around, suddenly remembered something, ran to the bedroom and took out mother's knitted handbag.

A light blue sweater was placed in front of me.I naturally recognized this dress, it was the one my mother wove for Mu Yu, I almost forgot that there was such a thing.

"It's been woven a long time ago, and I haven't given it to you. Originally, your mother said that when you come back this time, you will take it...and give it to Xiao Han."

I took it and was stunned for a long time.

The sweater is soft to the touch, with a round neck, no pattern, simple and generous.The clothes were light in my hand, but they almost crushed me.Would it be too ironic to give me a sweater that has nowhere to be delivered?

I miss so much, miss to the point of resentment, my mother, my Mu Yu, who once gave me so much but disappeared decisively.There was an emotion frantically gushing out from the bottom of my heart, yes, grievance.No matter what I did wrong, I feel wronged, can't I be so ruthless?Can't you make me so miserable?

I got up to make a cup of tea for my father, and the teacup was stuffed into his hand, "Dad, I have something to tell you..."

That happened for a long, long time, starting from a coin thrown out one night, I opened the memory box, one after another, so many things, rolling like pearls, guessing anxiety, entanglement Indulgence, sweetness and joy, happiness and tranquility, support through hardships, love each other, reluctantly parting from each other, and then the future is far away... After Mu Yu left, the days were blank. I can't describe this blankness, just like an oil painting withered all the rich colors, leaving only the canvas.I can't see the way, but I still have to go.There is no way to go backwards, and every step forward is stepping on the void.

For the past three years, I have been suffering from cramps and bone pain. The only comfort is that my mother is still there.

"But now my mother is gone, and Mu Yu is lost...Dad, I can't find Mu Yu...he won't come back...I can't give you the sweater...you don't know, you don't know, how much I like it he……"

I was talking to myself, and my dad was holding a water glass and watching me silently.Growing up, I've never talked to him so much at once like this.I feel like I need to speak up, or I'm afraid I'll go crazy.

When my father raised his hand, I was ready to be slapped, but the pain did not fall on my face as expected.He just rubbed my hair lightly and sighed, "An Ran, since childhood, what have you been able to hide from us?"

I am stunned.

"You have never been a person who can hide things. We are old and dazzled, but you like it so obviously that we can't see it. So many of your friends and classmates have come to our house, why not?" How can you have Xiaohan so attractive to you? We knew that he was different, but we were not sure about this relationship at the time. Later, he broke a finger for you, and we were both grateful and heartfelt. Shocked, not just anyone can do this for another person, An Ran, we were also afraid at that time, why is my son confused with a man? But the little Korean is so nice that we all Can't fault it. Such a distressed child, so sensible, we couldn't say what we wanted to say. Later, your mother said no, it's nothing to do with you two, you have to say whatever you want, it's useless to tell you, You are our son, we know your bad temper, Xiao Han is calmer than you, and knows the seriousness better than you, so your mother wants to talk to him. I want to give Xiao Han a sweater, because I really want to love him more when I look at that child Son, but it’s just a pretext. I wanted to tell you about you by giving away the sweater after the sweater was finished. However, your mother suddenly fell ill later, so this matter was delayed. I want to get back to work when she recovers. When I mentioned this, I was the one who stopped her. She was sick and didn't know it, but I saw it. During the time of hospitalization, Xiao Han kept busy, that can't be called help, he did It's no worse than your own son. I can also see that he is sincerely treating you well. You can meet a few people who are sincerely treating you well in a lifetime!"

I listened to my father's words and felt so unreal.They all knew it, they all saw it, but they didn't say a word to me.I have never noticed that they have put so much thought into me, I thought they only had gratitude and love for Mu Yu, and all these twists and turns were buried in it, but I was ignorant of it.

I looked at my dad blankly, but he lowered his head and stroked the teacup, "An Ran, your mother and I both want you to be like other children, have a job that doesn't worry about food and clothing, and find a job that is good for you. My daughter-in-law, what's the matter, let's help you buy a house and a car, and let you babysit, that's all right... But, I don't know what's going on with you and Xiao Han, I think something is wrong, there is a problem, but I can't speak Let the two of you separate because you didn’t admit anything, and because I’m really afraid of hurting Mu Yu’s child. At that time, we hoped that whoever between you would understand... the things you said before and after resignation , I didn't know at all at the time, I only know that not long after that, you said that Xiao Han went to another city, and then you went home every week, but you didn't mention him anymore. No matter what happened in the middle, we all I think this is good, and I hope that you two can return to your normal life track after you are not together. But we found that Xiao Han left, and half of my child’s soul was lost. At that time, I thought it might be because of the They are young people, and they have a good relationship. Once they are separated, they are not used to it, and it will be fine after a while. Seeing you feel uncomfortable, we still have no way to relieve you. If you don’t tell us, we have to pretend not to know.”

I rubbed my face and sincerely admired, "You two can really pretend..."

Dad said, "I can't hide it from you. At that time, you can only pretend to be one thing, and you can't see the others. Before your mother got sick, you only cared about Xiao Han. After your mother got sick, you Just caring about your mother. You don't know what we think, I guess Xiao Han has feelings..."

"That dead boy!" I cursed almost instinctively.He didn't talk much in the past, even if he had something on his mind, he just changed three sentences to two.The days after returning from Beijing were too depressing. I was almost obsessed with medical expenses. He... I really didn't see how he lived... Maybe before that, earlier, he realized something... I tried my best to salvage some fragments from my memory. Some people's unreasonable silence that was not taken into account once seemed to have found the source.

Dad went on to say: "After a long time, you still look like that, so I had to call your uncle to find out what trouble you encountered. He told me that it might be because the deputy manager who was competing for the job before was not selected. He also briefly told me about the beating and resignation among you. However, he said that the beating was because you disagreed with your president, and that you were reinstated after resigning because the daughter of your chairman's family took a fancy to you. Then I said that the girl was in the same branch as you and had a good relationship... I didn’t think much about it at the time. I don’t care if the manager is not the manager. The main reason is that it’s a good thing that a girl likes you. I said I have to ask you later. But your uncle stopped me again, saying that I should take care of the affairs of you young people, and told me not to push you too hard... How dare I push you too hard... You were so emaciated at that time that you wanted to die It breaks when you touch it."

"It's not that exaggerated. Besides, I basically had nothing to do afterwards." I said.

Dad shook his head, "We all think you'll get better, but you're not getting better at all, and the more time passes, the more obvious it becomes. You seem to be quite normal, and you should talk about making trouble, but I never see you happy again ... An Ran," he grabbed my hand, and the warmth came from the dry palm, "We thought the matter between you and Xiao Han was over long ago. Chasing you, after a long time, you can always let go... I always thought so, but who would have thought that this matter would stimulate you so much... Until one day you were talking in your sleep while taking a nap at home, crying Calling Mu Yu's name and constantly saying that we can't hold on anymore, we realized that that incident never happened."

I still remember what Dad said this time, it was a month after Wu Yue spread An Ran's critical illness to the outside world.When I opened my eyes, I saw my parents staring at me. I felt my face was wet, so I wiped it off and said with a smile that I had a nightmare.

"After you went back to L City that day, your mother was always worried... She said what happened to An Ran, she didn't know how to laugh at ordinary times, and she was still crying in her dreams... Later we looked for opportunities to enlighten you, but every time we mentioned the little things to you Han, you don't have any big reactions, and you still look like you don't care. Your mother and I suddenly discovered that since when, we no longer understand you, don't know what you're thinking, don't know your pain Where is it? I have no choice but to call your uncle again and ask him if he knows what happened to you and Xiao Han. He found out that I knew about your affairs, so he told me in detail about your resignation The cause and effect and the situation when we broke up... An Ran, I have suffered for you all these years."

I shook my head, tears rolled down uncontrollably, "If Mom is still here, I will admit it..."

Whoever I failed, whoever I lost, I sank my heart and no longer looked forward to it. I have already admitted it, but I got such a result.

My father touched the sweater on the sofa and said, "Your mother thought about it for two days, and then she took out the sweater that she hadn't knit for a long time and continued knitting. The time is getting shorter and shorter. She basically sleeps half-sitting, often out of breath in the middle of the night, and the doctor can’t do anything when she goes to the hospital for an examination. She only says that the organ disease has become too serious. Every time you go home, she Try to keep your spirits up, when you go to work, she has to stand by the window and watch you go away... We all know that time is running out, your mother always told me that she is suffering and dragging her life It's hard to live with the family, but if she's gone, who can take care of the son? Guess what I said?"

Dad looked at me, I waved my hand, "I can't guess."

"I said, I don't care, An Ran is so old, he doesn't need anyone to take care of him, let him live his own life, we can't control him for the rest of his life. Then, your mother asked me again, do you think Mu Yu will come back? Guess what I said?"

"do not know."

"No, I didn't mean 'I don't know'. I said, I don't care about it. The child has nothing to do to our family. Maybe he will be more promising elsewhere. It would be great if he came back... "

I stared blankly at my father, he wiped away the tears on my face with his hand, and said with a faint smile, "In this way, our An Ran family will not be alone."

I don't know what kind of mood I should use to face the current situation, so, that is to say, am I free?After I lost Mu Yu and my mother.

Dad got up, walked to the bedroom, and said as he walked: "Yesterday, people from our unit came and asked me to go back to the unit to help manage the staff activity center. Being with those old friends can help adjust emotions. I agreed. Move over there tomorrow."

"Dad... are you going to live in the unit?" I suddenly panicked.

"Don't worry, there is a house, a cafeteria, cleaning, and someone to take care of me. It's very convenient."

"But... Dad, what should we do at home?" In an instant, the words 'family ruined' appeared in my brain, and I felt that my breath was beginning to be difficult.

The father turned his back very slowly, and his voice was so old that he said, "An Ran, you said that you lost the person you love the most. If you are lucky, you can get him back, but I lost him. What I want is the person who has been with me all my life, and I will never find it again... I am old, and you will have to take care of yourself in the future."

The next day, a van actually came to pick up Dad, and someone came up to help move things.In fact, there is nothing to move. Dad said that he will buy any unit he needs, so he only has a trolley case, which contains a few clothes, two pairs of shoes, and a family photo.

Dad won't let me send it.

I went back to the house, fell on the sofa, stared at the empty room in a daze.When I glanced over the coffee table, I found a piece of white paper pressed against the corner of the table by the teacup.When I opened it, a page of A4 paper was densely filled with words, all about heart disease, which medicines should not be taken at the same time, which medicines should not be taken before going to bed, precautions for diet, phone calls from several old experts, several The price of the special medicine, where can I buy it at the pharmacy... There is no order, it seems to write what I think of, and the last sentence in a slightly larger font is, "Take care of yourself. Father stay."

Lying on the sofa, looking at the roof, I didn't move for a long time.

There are too many differences, and you can get used to it!I no longer have the strength to be sad, to complain, to cry and to cry, I just want to sleep well.If I can still wake up, I will think about it later.

after?Mu Yu, who has heard nothing from me?My boring job?In the long days to come, what excuse do I have to go on.

Many things have changed. Enron has changed. He has begun to accept his fate and compromise. What he likes has also changed. He used to like Subaru and now he has started to switch to Tiguan. Everything will change. Flicking his sleeves and walking away without a trace, what else can't be changed, Wu Yue said that there is nothing good about Niu in fact, it's still a buddy kiss, so everything will change, that person, too!I don't know what it will look like, fat?Thin?Do you like to talk a little?Remember Enron?Remember when he loved him?

I slept until it was dark, and I had a long, long dream. In the dream, my mother was smiling very brightly, holding a dumpling wrapper in her hand, and asking Mu Yu and me if we wanted stuffed cabbage or leeks...

In fact, he woke up from the cold, his face was icy cold.

I struggled for a long time to sit up, rubbed my stiff bones, and started to be in a daze.Half an hour passed, and I decided that if I didn't intend to die, I had to live.The first thing to live is to eat. I haven't eaten for a day, and now I have to go out and find something to eat.

Carrying a set of pancake fruit and a bucket of convenience fans back to the door of the house, when I took the key to unlock the lock, I heard someone calling me from behind.

"safely."

Two words, gently, penetrate three years of time like water.