memory castration

Xiao Ziqi and I... No, this is impossible, there must be something wrong...

Aunt Yang knew that she had made a slip of the tongue, but she couldn't stand my repeated questioning, and finally said pitifully: "You were young at the time, and you probably haven't learned how to remember things. That winter, Ninghai snowed heavily for half a month..."

I listened without saying a word, and my whole body was immersed in those strange past events.

After eating, I went back to the bed alone to rest, spread my body out, and took out the news I got at the dinner table and played it back slowly.

I can't remember... My mind is blank. All I can think of are the bare branches in Ninghai in winter and the heavy snowflakes flying all over the sky.

He took out his phone and stared at Xu Yifei's number for a long time, but he couldn't muster up the courage to call back to confirm.

I fell asleep half an hour later and had a childhood dream.

I dreamed that I was sitting in an open broken suitcase, and there was a child struggling to drag the rope across the snow in front of me.

He looked to be only six or seven years old, his eyebrows and eyes were very delicate and well-behaved, his hands and face were flushed from the cold wind, and he took it to his mouth from time to time to snort.

I couldn't feel his hard work, so I lay on the side of the box and cried loudly, "Brother, I'm hungry."

His eyes were bent like crescent moons, "If you can count from one to ten, I will buy you bread to eat."

I snapped my fingers, "One, two, five... three... ten..."

"Wrong, remember how I taught you before?"

"one two Three……"

Counting and counting are always wrong, I started to gnaw on the suitcase and continued to cry, "No counting, I want to eat, brother hug..."

"Little Bai, be good, if you bear with it, there will be something to eat."

"Brother hug..."

"Oh, don't crawl out, be obedient."

He dragged the suitcase to a roadside stall selling roasted sweet potatoes, and begged the man, "Uncle, can you give me a sweet potato, my brother is starving."

"A dime a catty."

"I do not have money."

The peddler hesitated for a while, and finally picked out two rotten sweet potatoes and gave them to him, "Why are you two children, where are your parents?"

"Dead," his eyes dimmed, and then he smiled at me, tore sweet potatoes into small pieces and cooled them down, and handed them over, "Xiaobai, uncle gave us something to eat, what do you want to say?"

I opened my mouth to catch the small piece of sweet potato he handed over, puffed up my mouth vaguely, "Thank you uncle."

Curiously, the peddler called nearby sugarcane and popcorn sellers to come and watch.

Someone asked curiously: "The parents are gone, there must be relatives, right? How could the two children be wandering outside in the winter? Should we call the police over..."

"No!" He hurriedly put the sweet potatoes into the suitcase, pulled up the rope and left, "Thank you uncle, goodbye uncle!"

"This kid is really strange. It seems that he is well dressed. He must be rich in his family, right?"

"It's so pitiful. There are no parents at such a young age. No one can stop natural and man-made disasters."

I didn't pay attention to what they said, I just picked up the sweet potatoes and gnawed them, and my face was greasy. After filling my stomach, I curled up in the box and fell asleep.

"Uncles and aunts, I beg you to take in my younger brother. He is very good and smart. He will definitely listen to your words in the future...Grandpa, do you have children in your family? My younger brother is in good health and never picky eaters... "

"It's not that we don't want it. In fact, you have unknown origins, so people dare not accept it... If the police find out, they will think that we are abducting and trafficking children. Why don't you stay here for a few days and wait for the police to confirm your identity?"

"This kid looks very clever. Where is he from? What's his name? You don't say anything, how dare people adopt him. Otherwise, walk along this road. There is an old lady selling bean curds in front of you. She is not afraid of anything by herself, her son is still a martyr and the government has always taken care of her, you can go over and ask, maybe she dares to take her in.”

……

"Grandma, can you adopt my younger brother... I will kneel down for you..."

"What is this, get up quickly and tell grandma, what happened?"

"I'm from Jiangcheng, far away from here. My parents were killed, and only my brother and I escaped...Grandma, my brother is very cute, can you just keep him? Don't go to the police , if those bad guys find out, he will be in bad luck too."

"It's so pitiful, just drink some hot water to keep warm...you can live here with peace of mind, you don't have to be afraid of anything."

"Thank you grandma, thank you grandma! Xiaobai, you have to listen to grandma, don't be naughty and make grandma angry... Brother is leaving, don't cry when you wake up."

"Oh, it's snowing heavily outside, where are you going, child?"

"Go back to Jiangcheng!"

……

Pa, the light in the room was on, Yang Wenxiong looked at me worriedly, "Yibai, are you okay?"

I sat up rubbing my wet eyes, and said hoarsely, "It's okay."

"It's all my mother's bad mouth. People like to talk about old things when they are old. Don't take it to heart. Go wash your face. It's time for dinner."

"You guys eat, tell Aunt Yang that I ate too much at noon, and I'm not hungry yet."

He nodded, "Then I'll let her keep the food, you can go on to sleep, don't think too much."

After he left, the room was hidden in darkness again.

There is a photo album at Xiao Ziqi's home, which contains photos of him when he was a child. He has a round face like a girl, with delicate features, exactly the same as the child he saw in his dream just now.

I don't know if this is a coincidence, or a nonsensical fantasy constructed by myself based on Aunt Yang's verbal description.

But what is certain is that I was not alone at the time, but was taken by an older child.

Brother... never thought that there would be such a relative in his life.

Going to bed early led to insomnia all night, and Yang Wenxiong forcibly dragged him out to go shopping early the next morning.

I passed a tattoo shop on the way, and I went in with a thought.

This is a godsend opportunity. None of the clerks know Chinese characters. After confirmation, I showed them openly, "I want to wash this off, can I?"

The two black men shrugged after researching, "It's too deep, and it needs to be washed at least three to five times to completely remove it, and it would be a pity to leave scars on such a good skin."

"However, you can choose a larger tattoo to cover these words," one of them took out the picture album and showed it to me. "You can choose to see if there is a style you like."

I can't really appreciate the beauty of the West, but the Chinese dragon and phoenix pattern is too domineering and flamboyant. After thinking for a long time, I set my sights on a goshawk with spread wings.

When I was devastated, Yang Wenxiong was not idle, and asked someone to tattoo the character "Xiong" on his arm.

But then I found out that there are only three horizontal lines on the right side of the character 'Xiong'... At that time we were already on the plane back to Ninghai.

After being ridiculed by me, Yang Wenxiong was furious, "I didn't look carefully after it was over. Who knew they were so illiterate? Damn, the three horizontal lines are so evenly spaced that there is no place to make up one! Can't wear it, it's too fucking embarrassing!"

Winter has passed, and the peach blossoms and weeping willows on the roadside have sprouted new green shoots.

In April, the sun turns bright and warm, and the crowd becomes brisk as they take off their thick clothes. Red, green, and pink walk on the black asphalt road, like countless streams of light, and Ninghai begins to enter the most colorful season. .

But every time I think of Xu Yifei and Xiao Ziqi living in this city, I can no longer enjoy this kind of casual comfort like in the past.

At two o'clock in the afternoon, Xu Yifei and I sat opposite each other in a roadside teahouse.

After the waiter brought the refreshments, I said nervously, "What did you mean by what you said on the phone that day?"

He turned on the lighter and pretended to be stupid, "What did I say?"

"What do you mean by elder brother... Do you mean Xiao Ziqi?"

"Who else have you slept with?"

"you."

He showed a sneering smile, "You can treat me as an elder brother if you want to wishful thinking, but I don't have a penchant for incest."

I'm not in the mood to argue with him, "Can you tell me all you know?"

"Why should I tell you?" He made it clear that he wanted to embarrass me.

"Since you don't want to tell me, why do you say those inexplicable things on the phone?"

Xu Yifei gestured with his chin, and I immediately poured the tea for him patiently.

He picked up the purple sand cup and sipped the tea carefully, whetted my appetite before saying: "Xiao Ziqi told me personally."

I clenched my fists nervously, "What did he tell you?"

"He said..." Xu Yifei deliberately elongated his voice, the corners of his eyes slightly raised, "You are brothers."

I bit the tip of my tongue hard to keep myself awake, "When did he say that?"

"Eight years ago."

Eight years ago...Xiao Ziqi forced me to have sex for the first time, but why did he tell Xu Yifei about this?

That day Xiao Ziqi killed Xiao Ha because of his disobedience, and I was so frightened that I dialed Xu Yifei's number by mistake. After Xiao Ziqi came back, I asked to leave, but he forced me to fulfill my promise.

After the incident, Xu Yifei came and hit Xiao Ziqi. He didn't fight back at that time, but whispered something to Xu Yifei, and the two left the room together...

I drank a cup of tea to dilute the fishy smell in my mouth, "What did you guys talk about that afternoon when he raped me?"

Xu Yifei was slightly taken aback, "Didn't you lose your memory?"

"I remember what he said about the deal, what kind of deal did you guys make?"

"That's between us, I can't tell you."

"Okay, I'll ask Xiao Ziqi myself."

He suddenly grabbed my hand and ordered anxiously and annoyed, "Don't go!"

"Then tell me the details."

He glared at my nameless name on the list, took out two banknotes and slapped them on the table, and said a little angrily, "If you want to know, come with me."

The car drove through familiar streets, passed through the newly renovated Xinyi District, and finally stopped in front of a big red house.

This is Li Xinlong's former home, and now Xiao Ziqi bought it back to live temporarily...

Xu Yifei looked at me with his hand on the car window, "Are you curious why I know this place?"

I tentatively guessed, "Xiao Ziqi brought you here?"

"Since you recalled what happened eight years ago, do you still remember Xiaoha? Xiao Ziqi killed him because he was too close to me. Have you ever wondered why his dog is closer to me? "

"why?"

"Before that incident, I didn't know you at all. I only met you once or twice. You never thought about why I wanted to help you? Why did you pick up Xiao Ziqi's worn-out shoes afterwards?"

"why?"

Too many doubts are entangled together, making my head a mess, I can't think of anything, let alone think, I can only repeat the questions in my heart like an idiot.

Xu Yifei's voice became treacherous and soft, "You went to the cemetery when you left Jiangcheng, do you know why I appeared there?"

I can only repeat mechanically, "Why?"

He caressed my cheek with his right hand, and suddenly inserted his fingertips into my hair with more force, pulling me into his arms domineeringly.

"Xiaobai..." He pressed his lips against my ear vaguely, "You look so stupid now, I really don't know how you got the first place in the exam."