As a background board, I want to pursue Dazai

"Don't wait for me next time."

His voice tickled my ears.There is no light in the room at the moment, I only saw his expression through the extremely weak natural light coming out of the window, he seemed to be coaxing a child, and then covered my forehead with his hands, wanting to This comforts me.

"Yi Jun, go to bed early."

But now that I was moved by him like this, I was not so sleepy anymore, and even after he spoke, I gradually woke up.I rubbed my eyes, and the hand that touched his clothes just now felt attached to the low temperature he brought back from the outside, and when it touched my cheeks, there was a burst of coldness.

Seeing that he was going to leave like this, I subconsciously grabbed the corner of his coat.Dazai was pulled by me, he gave up the idea of ​​continuing to move, and sat down beside me instead.

Generally speaking, isn't it time to ask him what he does?

...Won't it appear that I'm being too lenient by asking this question?

The words came out of my mouth and turned into: "Mr. Dazai, are you hungry?"

I can't believe I said something like this, if I was five sober, I'm an eight and want to bite my tongue off - all the weird stuff.

Dazai didn't answer me, just looked at me like that.Under the light of the small lamp, the kite pupils glowed faintly, faintly glowing.Just when I wanted to avoid his sight and get back under the quilt, Dazai grabbed my wrist and said to me, "Okay."

"I'm hungry." His eyelashes fluttered slightly, his eyes blinked slightly, and he said to me softly, "Yi Jun, I want to eat something."

I looked at him oddly for a while—I wondered if he could see it, and I'd feel better if he said "I'm hungry" instead of "You go to bed first."

So I got out of the quilt, put on the fluffy coat and slippers again, I yawned and went to the kitchen to put the toast I bought in the supermarket into the bread machine, and fried an egg for him in a pan, served with two Slices of bacon and lettuce make a hot sandwich.The smell of bacon being roasted on the pan woke me up completely.

While I was making this simple meal, my mind was full of various things.

It's not that I haven't thought about correcting his work and rest, but when he talked about the domineering banker, it reminded me of myself—the way of dictating others must be ugly.So this idea was like a balloon that was punctured, and it collapsed directly, and I didn't dare to bring it up again.Then he didn't say anything, but I waited until late at night, it seemed that I was still an insignificant person, maybe I should be angry, but rather than angry, a thought "I'm not needed" emerged in a panic.

He said he was hungry, and I felt that I was somewhat useful.

Thinking about it now, he was right to accept my pursuit.

But the identities of "Osamu Dazai's lover" and "person whom Osamu Dazai likes" and "person whom Osamu Dazai wants to spend his whole life with" are completely different.

What if it's a one-sided relationship with my head on fire?

No, no, that makes him sound like a scumbag.

I'm sure he was a little different to me, but to what extent I don't know.

Regardless of what he thinks, I also look down on these negative thoughts about myself.

It turns out that I am such a troublesome person...

I cut the still-warm sandwich into diagonal triangles and cut it into four pieces.Then I warmed up a glass of milk.During this period, Dazai did not sit by the side and wait, but was always less than one meter away from me, propping up the table with one hand, watching my every movement carefully.

I poured the hot milk into the cup, and when there was a little more in the cup, I filled half a cup for myself.

"Okay, eat it while it's hot, then take a shower and go to bed early." I put the food on the table, sat down on the other side of the table, and sipped hot milk.

Dazai handed me a small sandwich, and I shook my head.

"I don't want to eat." I said, "Eat, it's not too early now, go to bed early after eating."

He took two bites, and I turned around to clean the pot, and when I was done, he was almost finished too.

"Then I'm going to sleep."

I put the pot into the cupboard and was about to leave when I heard him say abruptly behind my back:

"sorry."

I pretended to be calm and planned to continue walking, saying, "It's nothing."

I made my own claim and preconceived that I should wait for him.I said earlier that he has a textbook-style love style, but now it seems that I am the one holding the love textbook-who thinks that lovers have to do this?Do lovers have to wait for each other to come home?

When I analyzed myself, I couldn’t help thinking—how could I not be greedy? I am not a person who attains the Tao without desires or desires, let alone an ascetic monk.When I was chasing the dim light, I only wanted to touch the tail of that beam of light. Now that I have stepped into the light path, my state of mind has completely changed. A flame has been ignited from such an insignificant desire. Desire was about to swell into a fire that soared into the sky, but found that the root of the firewood was soaked in water, and it flickered when it was burning.

I felt that this topic could not be continued, I turned my head and tried to maintain a gentle and innocent smile, and said some irrelevant nonsense, trying to sum it up——

"Nothing, sandwiches are quick to make."

Dazai seemed to choke on my words.

He rolled his eyes and cast complicated gazes, but he remained silent and didn't say anything. I thought this matter could be over at this point, but I didn't expect that he didn't intend to stop the matter at this point.

What I thought in my heart was - he better stop asking, I'm not someone who can stand scrutiny, I always feel that I have been seen through by him, please be merciful and stop talking about those things that make me cranky He had nothing to apologize to me.

Just when I thought this matter was about to come to an end, he stood up from the chair, and I felt relieved. He should be going to take a shower and go to bed, so I can retreat.

I put my hands in the pockets of my hoodie and planned to go into the bedroom as if nothing had happened, but someone stopped me from behind by relying on my long legs.He naturally used his height advantage to wrap me into his arms from behind.

He said in an extremely helpless tone that I haven't heard much recently: "Does Yijun think I've seen you through?"

"..." I don't know how to answer, he has already asked this question, isn't he still there?

After I finished speaking, I was stunned—would my tone make him think I was angry?

"No..." he said, laughing to himself.

Dazai paused, then continued: "I don't really have mind reading skills. In the end, what I do is just speculation and inference. If someone says to you—'I've seen through you', it doesn't mean 'I've seen through you'. I know everything about you already' and I'm saying 'I've had enough of you, you're boring, get away from me'."

I have nothing to say about this conclusion.

He made so much sense.

He hugged me in his frequent posture recently, then lowered his head and rubbed behind my ear in a kissy manner.

"Look—" he said, "just like now, I actually don't know what Yi Jun is thinking. My guess is based on your every movement, look, expression and every word you say. , There will be deviations in every detail. This kind of analytical behavior is a kind of instinct for me, allowing me to find the optimal solution reasonably. But after finding the optimal solution, I can choose not to do it. "

While he was talking, I moved my backhand up and touched his cheek.Dazai took the initiative to get close to my movements and didn't avoid it.

I asked him, "So have you found the optimal solution?"

"Found it," Dazai said. "I apologize to you—I'm sorry."

I thought about it, and then said: "Actually, you don't need to feel sorry, for me, it's my own choice."

"Well... being able to accept everything immediately, although it is Yi Jun's strength, it is also a headache."

At this time, his tone that I can't describe is as wet and ambiguous as if it was fished out of the water.

"I said that I would try my best to be a qualified lover, so this time - I am the one who breaks my promise first. Please at least express your dissatisfaction, or I will not complain about stronger willfulness Rather, I hope that you will not behave so plainly, accommodate me in everything, and lose your temper at all. Yijun, you are my lover, not a subordinate who needs to obey my behavior unconditionally. Or something else."

"Although you said that... I don't know how to change it. The consciousness first controlled my body." I became distressed, "I just did it subconsciously. But this is also a way of getting along with lovers, isn't it?"

Later, I also felt that I was quibbling.

"You can't force things about your personality, can you?" He murmured.

"Mr. Dazai, what exactly is 'strong expression'? Give me an example?"

"For example——get angry with me." He said generously, "It's not the first time I think it's my problem."

"...It's the first time I've been asked to lose my temper with him." I tried to defend myself, "I'm not without a temper."

But almost all of them are used on their own.

Putting aside whether we have equal love for each other or not.

I wonder if we can really get through this running-in period and become a real couple?

...No, I should be doubting myself.

"Although it's strange for me to say this..." he complained himself, "but 'following others' wishes' and 'not refuting at all' are actually completely different concepts. I hope you don't have any questions. Choose to 'digest all your emotions yourself' for a while, say what you want to say, and then tell me how you feel—didn't you tell me that too?"

"That's what happened." I muttered.

That's because Mr. Dazai sometimes speaks too cryptically.

It’s like saying that he can laugh, and often laughs, but laughter and happiness have two different meanings. It’s also like saying that he is in pain, but he doesn’t say it. At this time, I can only ask him to tell me how he feels.

"Look, you don't have to act so alone," he said. "You have more options and solutions."

Dazai said, "Yi Jun, turn around."

I turned around dawdly, facing him directly, then lowered my head not to look at him.

"Are you still angry?"

"...I'm really not angry this time."

"I know I know~" he said with a raised voice, "you are angry with yourself."

Dazai stretched out his hand to hold my cheek, and said in a coaxing tone, "Okay, it was my fault, don't be angry with yourself, okay? Yi Jun?"

Me: "... Oh."

He tapped my forehead and said to me: "What I need is not a shiny doll to decorate my house, do you understand? You are a human being, and you shouldn't have to suffer like an inanimate thing, even if it is It doesn't work for me either. You are obviously a person with strong self-esteem, why are you completely gone with me?"

"Because...it doesn't seem to be useful." I said, "The more you hold this kind of self-esteem, the easier it is to be frustrated."

Dazai shook his head, and said in a helpless voice, "Are you frustrated by me?"

"A little bit," I said, "but I asked for it."

I sniffed, the humidity in the room was heavy at night, I stood here for a while, still wearing pajama pants, and my body was already feeling cold.Dazai noticed this and asked me to go to bed and cover myself with a quilt.

I was nestled under the warm quilt, and I felt sleepy as soon as I touched the quilt.Dazai stretched out his hand to hold my hand, he lay down beside me and chatted with me, he said to me, "Is there anything you want to say to me now?"

"Yes." I said, "Can I go home early?"

"Well, I'm listening."

I felt that he was taking advantage of the loophole again, so I poked his palm with my nails and said, "So is it okay or not?"

"Not at the moment," he said.

I no longer hide my disappointment this time: "... oh."

Then I pulled the quilt on my body again, planning to shrink back.

"I'll be back as soon as possible," he added.

"It's nothing." I covered the lower half of my face with a quilt, and said in a stuffy voice, "If there's something to do, it's okay to be later..."

The young man had a gentle smile on his face, but the words he said seemed to be asking me to make a decision——

"What if I'm fine? What if I've done nothing but hang out late into the night, go drink and come back now?"

Well, it worked out for me whether he actually had it tonight or not.

... I was so angry that I shrank into the quilt.

I also heard him yelling outside: "Yi Jun? Yi Jun come out——!"

Seeing that I couldn't come out, he began to lightly hammer the quilt on my body, and kept calling my name, alternately calling: "Yijun? Ayi? Yiyi——"

I couldn't bear it anymore and lifted the quilt.

"Mr. Dazai." I kicked the quilt aside and looked at him fixedly. Since he gave me the power to be bold, I said what I kept in my heart.

"Stay up late every day and often drink late at night... Do you not take your body seriously at all?"

"Hmm... are you angry this time?" Dazai asked, tilting his head sideways.

"Angry, very angry."

I wrapped up my quilt, sat on the bed and stared at him motionless.

I said, "Believe it or not, at least I sincerely hope that you are well..."

I began to pour the beans, confiding the truth under his gaze, "I've always had a little bit of an egomaniacal idea—you should know it all too well."

"I think it's normal to wait for you to go home, maybe it will make you happier. But I don't know if you think the same, maybe I just do it because I am moved..." I knuckle Pressing against the slightly dry lower lip, he continued: "So after I realized that there was a discrepancy in our understanding of this matter, the first thing I thought about was to adjust my thinking according to your thinking as a standard."

He listened quietly.

I said, "I'm angry about two different things."

"One is to be ashamed and angry at my behavior of forcibly moving myself without communication."

"The second is to be angry at you for not taking your body seriously."

Think about it, besides entering the water, this person has many tricks, and his daily routine is also a mess.

"If you live alone, you will indulge all your behaviors without restraint, but I really want you to know that there are still people who are worried about you, and there are still people waiting for you to go home..."

Dazai listened carefully with his cheeks in his hands, suddenly opened his eyes wide, and said, "Don't cry."

I quickly touched my cheek with my hand——

Dry.

"...you listen to me carefully."

For the first time, I had the urge to hit him twice.

"Yeah, I'm listening." Dazai said with a smile, "I can hear every word Yi Jun said clearly."

"I'm sorry," he said, "really."

"Soon you won't need to wait any longer."

"I will try my best to eat well." He said with a weeping smile, "Just quit drinking... I will pay attention to the amount and time of drinking. When it comes to sleep, it is not something I can control unilaterally..."

I sent a threatening look, and he immediately changed his words: "I will try my best."

After he made jokes like this and said a few more sincere words, I had nothing to do with him again. Thinking that it was already midnight, and I was still tossing him here for a long time, my heart ached again, and I pushed and said, "Go take a bath quickly." Go to bed, it's getting late, don't you still have work tomorrow?"

"Oh..." He rubbed his nose and continued to say desperately, "Anyway, if you don't drink alcohol tomorrow morning, you can sleep a little longer."

I put on a nuclear smile: "Hurry up and take a shower."

Soon, there was the sound of water in the bathroom, and I got up and helped him make the bed, a few meters away from me.

As a result, this person came out of the shower and dragged his mattress to fight beside me.

He smiled and said, "I want to sleep next to Yi Jun, is that okay?"

Me: "...Okay."

We pushed the bed together and slept like that for the night.

Unexpectedly, the next morning, my mobile phone rang wildly. When I wanted to reach out to touch my mobile phone outside the quilt, I felt that half of my shoulder was cold, and there seemed to be something furry in my arms... It woke me up directly.

I even maintained my arms around him.

That's right, Mr. Dazai is almost half in my arms now, it looks like he was hugged and slept by me.

The ringtone of the mobile phone woke him up too, and the young man in his arms squinted his eyes slightly and was about to open them, and then let out a soft "huh".

"Yi Jun?" Dazai's expression was completely clueless, "Good morning."

My language ability degraded instantly, and I could only express my doubts about the current situation with my eyes.

Dazai moved his body, moved his body up a bit, to a position where he was at eye level with me.

He still has sleep marks on his face.

"It seems that Yi Jun completely forgot what he did last night..."

"You hugged me passionately..."

"... just passed the night like this."

My whole body is not well.

...isn't it?

The author has something to say:

Feelings are always wonderful every minute...

I originally only wrote [-] words for this chapter, and I planned to finish it. I wrote it and it was [-] words. How could it be like this (tears.jpg)

——————————————————————————————————————————————感谢在2020-10-0620:15:29~2020-10-0718:59:45期间为我投出霸王票或灌溉营养液的小天使哦~

Thanks to the little angel who threw the mine: He Lai Resonance 1;

Thanks to the little angel of irrigation nutrient solution: Ye Youyou 50 bottles;

Thank you very much for your support, I will continue to work hard!