As a background board, I want to pursue Dazai

【One】

When Kunikida Doppo was yelling at the side to ask Osamu Dazai to work hard, he was holding his chin and wandering away. It would not be accurate to say that he was wandering away. He was thinking about something, but what he was thinking was far from work. But insisting that it has a little bit to do with work, it can't be regarded as a completely personal matter.

Although it is a bit disrespectful to the victim, the investigation of missing cases is commonplace for the detective agency that has been entrusted by the military and police all year round, and even the mode of action is engraved in the bones. In the private room of the Internet cafe where he could barely lie down, he met a woman passing by.

He thought: First of all, the name is very strange. To use the description that variety show people say is "impact", no parents would give their children such a name, and teenagers with secondary illness would not like this kind of name. The style is more like the names of those authors who stared at the gimmicks and wrote unsold novels, and insisted on taking a slant.

But, apart from the name, there is nothing special about it.

(By the way, one more point—how she knew my name is the only thing that matters.)

"Mr. Dazai, it's time."

Tanizaki, like most ordinary people, has his own radar for seeking advantages and avoiding disadvantages. Unfortunately, when facing Dazai, he often thinks that his inspiration will fail from time to time. He came to the conclusion that he is in a pretty good mood now, so he went on to say: "The fireworks display is about to begin."

Dazai gave a soft "hmm" and put on his coat.Everyone in the detective agency packed up their things and prepared to close the door and leave.

This summer's fireworks display is set at a place less than 10 minutes away from the headquarters of the detective agency. The colleagues are trying to join in the fun, and they are nothing more than saying "annual", "very rare", "unprecedented" and other words to exaggerate To such an extent, it is good to encourage more people to participate in this joy.

Following his colleagues to the crowded meeting place under the star-studded night, the young man in a sand-colored windbreaker occasionally looked up at the sky and then at the ground.He doesn't think a lot all the time, and occasionally he thinks about nothing.

Just like now, physical feelings can evaporate reason, he couldn't help tugging at the neckline to loosen up a little space.

(So ​​hot.)

(want to drink.)

People divided into three or four waves, looking for the most suitable position for them.Dazai was chosen as the outermost, far away from the detective agency.The fireworks have risen and exploded in the air, the beautiful interweaving of light and shadow, accompanied by the exaggerated exclamation of the spectators, and the click of mobile phones taking pictures.

He looked up like them, but Dazai had nothing to say, people exclaimed, but only said a few dry words in exaggerated undulating tones, such as "so beautiful" and "so beautiful" .

Dazai sighed that people would be deeply involved even in the fleeting fire.

(Fireworks are really cunning. There is only one life, and the moment people look forward to disappearing from birth, they are pushed to the throne of the most beautiful death without knowing anything. But people love Loving him, loving the moment when he unleashes all of himself in public—that's what it's all about.)

He thought again: Fire is a good thing. Fireworks with fire can become beautiful, but people and fire can't. What is combined is just coke.

He heard people's footsteps, completely different from the mediocre tranquility in front of him, they were jerky footsteps, which were too obvious to Dazai Osamu's ears.Looking at the sound, it is a slightly embarrassed female character, who seems to be pushed by the crowd and forced to get involved in the crowd, and is forced to participate in the venue.

(It's Miss Meaningless.)

"Good evening." Dazai turned sideways to greet her, but the other party was forced into the game, so he could only reply "Good evening" pretending to be calm.

Followed by two or three boring greetings.

She looked very uncomfortable and wanted to escape from here.This uncomfortable feeling seems to be deeply rooted in the bones, a chronic disease that cannot be eliminated, and a terrorist who will jump up to torture the spirit from time to time.

The other party was threatened by everyone's amazement when they looked up at the sky, and she knew that she had to do the same—

She had to praise the scenery in front of her like everyone else, so she also imitated the people around her and forced herself to look at the scattered colors in the sky.

Soon, Dazai realized something.

(The light couldn't reach her.)

(The sky is full of light that is fair to everyone, as if it can't be projected on her. She seems to be rejected by the whole world, but maybe she is rejecting the whole world.)

"Miss Wu Yishi, do you have something on your mind?"

The night wind seems to be blowing violently, but when the heat is at its peak, the wind is also hot, which will only make people more dizzy.

"...I think Mr. Dazai is like a saint," she said.

(saint?)

(This was really sudden. Even if I was suddenly said that, I would inevitably feel a little turbulent. First of all, I have to analyze whether this saint is "good" or "bad" in the conventional sense. It does not mean that a saint must be is correct, but the saint must be some kind of devotion incarnate.)

(Do I seem to enjoy doing self-giving, unrequited things? Does this quality reflect in the appearance of people?)

(It's a pity that Miss Wuyi doesn't know whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. Is it a bad thing? At least for her—otherwise, why would she have a regretful expression for saying something wrong.)

【two】

Soon they met again. Osamu Dazai, who was born with the spirit of skipping work, had [-] tricks for not working overtime, but the plan couldn't keep up with the changes. When the work was over at dusk, Kunikida received an urgent message from Miss Meaningless again.

Miss Meaningless has been vomiting blood and looks like she is dying.Even so, she maintained a delicate etiquette, and she seemed unwilling to show disrespect in front of others, so she connected Kunikida's handkerchief, and seemed to be thinking about such insignificant things as "dirty other people's things".

(Compared with most of the country's citizens who are exquisite egoists, Miss Meaningless is too perverted.)

(Probably common, but not too common.)

This kind of thinking didn’t change until they sat down at the ramen shop. The reason was that Dazai found out that Miss Wuyi couldn’t even order food, but she would feel annoyed like an ordinary person because of the loud voice of calling out repeatedly!

(This is too funny!)

(That face originally projected such a human expression.)

(I'm going to take back my preface. It turns out that the saplings of egoists also took root in her body, but they were completely overwhelmed by another despicable emotion. Only in unrelated people can she boldly reflect this extremely ordinary person. mood.)

Dazai laughed loudly.

【three】

Her behavior has a sense of disobedience against the world, but it can be said to be very ordinary.

(I kept my head down and looked at the ground all the way, and when I stopped suddenly, she would still bump into her because of a daze. The body's reaction was too straightforward, it didn't look like someone with a special profession was being wiped out of their resumes. It seems that more than [-]% of them are The possibility is that ordinary people.)

There are various indications that Miss Meaningless is a person without a past.Even the resumes that have been washed by others cannot be so clean. It is better to say that they have been tampered with than that they came out of thin air.

(Is she real? Or was she created by something?)

Dazai tossed the keychain back and forth in his hand, making a jingling sound, while sizing up the other person's expression.It can be seen that she really mustered up her courage, and she was only close to telling the truth, but she had to succumb to external forces.As if being strangled by some mysterious force, it seemed as if it was going to drain the water in the sponge, tightly restraining her body.

Miss Wuyi coughed up blood again, and it could be seen that she was in worse condition than when she was hit by Kamura's ability.

(If I said "It looks like I'm going to die" before, now it's "It seems to be not much different from death".)

(Disqualification has no effect, not a power.)

Osamu Dazai's years of experience have made his judgment on death very keen. This may be because he has seen too many dead faces, so he has an almost perfect judgment on the dead or those who are about to die.

Miss Meaningless probably walked halfway on the other side and was turned back again.

Miss Wuyi stayed overnight that night, not so much as staying overnight, but as the only way to do so.She has a fever and the medicine doesn't help.

It is rare for Dazai to dream at night. He is not a frequent dreamer. Even when he dreams, it is blank or pure black, meaningless. He stays quietly in the dream and waits to wake up, just like when his eyes are open.

(It's better not to dream than to wake up as if you haven't rested.)

This time he dreamed of a very fresh scene, the scene was fragmented, as if a short section was randomly cut from a film and played to him.Everything in the dream is hazy, the light is dim, Dazai can only vaguely recognize the subway station, followed by the speeding train, and the back of the fallen platform.

Female back view.

(——It’s a woman I’ve seen.)

He slept very lightly, and he woke up when he heard a muffled noise from the next room, facing the ceiling that he was not used to.

(Presumably the cup tipped over.)

[Four]

"Let's draw conclusions."

"Miss Wu Yishi has common sense, but she lacks common sense, which is embodied in her unconscious imitation of other people's behavior, but she can't handle things that are slightly complicated and have no fixed rules, and still need to learn. .”

"At present, it seems that the possibility of being the creation of [something] is very small, because there is no purpose in the body, and if she is created, it will be of no benefit to anyone. From this point of view, she is undoubtedly a normal person-although she sometimes Appears to be out of touch with humans."

"Maybe he died, maybe he didn't."

【Fives】

Miss Meaningless's article is not like her, it looks more like a person.Dazai has read what she wrote, and he can't speak on behalf of "ordinary people" without shame, and what Miss Wuyi wrote can resonate with ordinary people. After all, people are always different.

For example, in "The Moment of Wanting to Die", the protagonist feels uncomfortable because of the falling apple, and even wants to die immediately, and wants to leave this place.

(At least that moment—she really wanted to disappear, and death is a means of disappearing, not the result.)

For another example, in the semi-finished product, the depiction of timidity, deliberation, and hesitation in the face of the person you admire is an unglamorous self-analysis.

(That's it, the part with inferiority is a human being, but it's not okay to guard your own inferiority all the time, and you will forget that you are human.)

(Will turn into some sort of walking dead that's not human, just breathing, alive.)

Her doubts and lack of confidence in herself are actually based on self-esteem.Dazai thinks there are traces to follow, unless she has been educated in this way, or she is used to treating herself with high demands, so it is easier to fall into self-denial.

(If you can’t do that well, just don’t do it at all. This is the most excessive means of escaping reality. It puts yourself in a low position and uses it to lower the expectations of others. This alone is already very cunning, In this way, if things don’t develop satisfactorily in the end, you can say to people, “Look, I said I can’t do it” to fool the past, and even this method can be used countless times triumphantly.)

(Only human beings like to use this method. They not only want to invent this method, but also carry it forward. This kind of behavior is the concentrated salt water irrigated in the soil. No matter how good the flower seedlings are, they cannot bloom up.)

"Maybe I can only contribute to dross magazines." Miss Meaningless always showed embarrassment, and it was obvious that she really thought so.

(It’s amazing—you can even fool yourself.)

Dazai thought, how could he even think about the possibility that she is not human?

She is simply too human.

【six】

It didn't take long for Dazai to realize that she was always unlucky.

One thing needs to be corrected - he doesn't put bugs on people anytime, anywhere, at least Miss Pointless doesn't make him do it.So this is not a coincidence, let alone some deliberate means.

(The last fireworks display was nearby. Miss Wuyi didn’t make a special trip to see the fireworks display. She must have passed by here on the way from get off work and was swept into the venue by the crowd.)

(Calculated to know the off-duty time.)

He came at just the right time—Miss Meaningless was in a crisis, she was being kidnapped, she covered her mouth and nose, tried her best to call for help but had little effect, and she was about to be broken.

And he understood one more thing, that is, Miss Meaningless wants to live.

Her expression of begging for help was lifelike, but Dazai realized one thing—that was by no means that she could not accept death, but that she thought it was the worst outcome, and she was just trying to avoid this outcome, in case If she really lost her precious freedom and the self-esteem hidden in her heart, she would choose this unwise method of death.

It’s not that Dazai has never seen the expression of people seeking to survive. He has seen it, and even said that he has seen it all kinds of times, more than once, a hundred times, a thousand times, maybe more than the police have seen—he has been a mafia , have done the work of an executioner who took people's lives, it's not that no one wants to survive, on the contrary, there are too many people, crying and kneeling on the ground, their foreheads are rotten, their knees are worn out, and they shouted hoarsely, "Please Please", but he was able to put them to sleep forever with a backhand shot.

Does he have no mercy?Have no sympathy?Can't he feel all this?Does he not feel guilty?

Not necessarily, but it's not entirely safe to say he can.

For a person with superintelligence, feelings can be turned into habits by imitation. He does not necessarily want to have this kind of thing, but he can make people around him think that "he has compassion".

As for whether he really has, how many, and whether it is real, it is difficult for him to answer.

(Everyone thinks that they know themselves best, but they may not understand themselves.)

He spoke joke-like lines and came out as a hero to save the beauty, and staged a scene of fleeing.

The night sky is very open, today's humidity is just right, and the evening wind brings the breath of summer with the heat.He was leading the way ahead, Dazai's mind was full of Night Breeze, he seemed to be running according to instinct - he rarely relied on instinct, only once or twice.

He realized that Miss Wuyi was exhausted and couldn't keep up, so he simply slowed down his pace. Originally, he was holding on to the other's arm, which fell off and slipped while running, and became holding hands.

(It's the fireworks display—ah, today is the last day.)

He could feel the sight, and he could hear a strange and magnificent sound exploding in his ears.

Dazai understands what this is. He has obtained many such things from women. All kinds of women like to use this thing to express their specialness. In anyone's opinion, Dazai does not lack this thing, but he Didn't really have it—probably never, he thought.

(Love, what, can't imagine.)

(But what Miss Meaningless feels right now is wrong, an illusion. Without a complete personality and self, how can it be possible to condense decent and real feelings.)

(At least looking at it now, it is incomplete. It may be some kind of misunderstanding, which comes from the drawbridge effect of escaping after a disaster.)

"The fireworks are so beautiful," she said.

This time, when the fireworks lifted into the sky, the night was lit up brighter, and the day seemed to be a galaxy in the sky. This time, Dazai did not see the rejection on the face of Miss Meaningless. This landscape accepted her, or maybe it was She was determined to blend into the landscape.

He finally saw the other person's face clearly this time. In terms of good-looking, she was ranked among the top people he had met, but she was not as good in other aspects. She seemed to be cleverly avoiding the public in a broad sense. Orientation, on the whole it looks like a person who has been dying for a long time-it is simply a wonderful proof that the mental state is reflected on the body.

Dazai said "um", but he was thinking of something else.

(By the way, the Chinese characters for her name should be Wu Yishi.)

(Ms. Inai Muiji.)

【Seven】

No matter where, these two things seem to be indispensable in the definition of a good person: one is to protect the weak, and the other is to help others.Dazai is doing something to combine them into one. He introduces Muyi to an acquaintance, on the one hand to observe her mental state and stability of personality, and on the other hand because——

(That's what good people do.)

Strictly speaking, he is not the kind of person who will pick up small animals in the rain and take good care of them, so his help to Wu Yishi is to put her in a flower pot that can grow by itself, and see if she withers from time to time , that's all.

Osamu Dazai thinks that he can do very little. In his opinion, human beings are extremely stupid on the one hand and frighteningly shrewd on the other.

(Wuyi is human, unquestionably human, so she cannot be pure black or pure white, she will be colored by everyone who touches her, unless she can protect herself from being defiled, from being Destroying the foundation of personality. She is currently unable to lay a good foundation for herself, and she needs more external influence to ensure that her seedlings will not crooked or wilt in the soil.)

The soil he chose is good, and Mr. Rinaki and his children can guide her correctly.

At least she no longer has trouble breathing.

(What she will become and what kind of flowers she will bloom are all her own business. No one has the right to stand aside and judge other people's lives.)

【Eight】

The awakening of human consciousness is not only related to time and place, perhaps what is most needed is the stimulation of external forces.Wu Yishi is very sensitive, and she is also very proactive. After solving a problem, she immediately thinks about what to solve next. She spends less time in self-doubt and more time thinking that she "can do it" .

(It's not very obvious at the moment, there is progress, but it is very weak.)

This is the result of Dazai's observation when Muiji came to the detective agency for the first time.

(She made longer sentences, used more polite language, and even started asking questions.)

After Muyishi left, everyone in the detective agency showed a choked expression at the prompt of Edogawa Ranpo.Dazai twiddled the pen in his hand, thinking that it was almost the same as his own guess, or rather Mr. Ranpo's deduction gave him more confidence in his guess.

【nine】

(Man and God, this is really the most boring topic in the world. People always like to do this thing, because the real god is unattainable, so they use artificial things to fool themselves, and finally benefit their own selfish desires.)

So love this thing, it’s too easy to distort, like being refracted by a prism and turning into a distorted body of a snake, and then let the reality fold it into horrible and hideous sections one after another, put it in front of people, and finally tell you—— — This is my love.

(I'm not saying that love has to be something clean and holy, if I did, someone would come up and punch me with enough force to knock out my front teeth and yell "you bastard looking down on me who," and ordered me to apologize to all the people in the world who loved others the way they did.)

(Hey... Yukimura-san happens to belong to the Holy Sect, too bad. Wu Yishi has no factions, yet he wrote this kind of article again.)

(Although I'm never tired of girls' love topics, this way of bundling sales is admirable and insensitive.)

(Forgive me... Humans should just be human. For some people, "being human" is the ultimate luxury.)

【ten】

Something awakened in Wu Yishi.

(Also, garbage sorting is really troublesome.)

【eleven】

(Kunikida-kun is about three times more serious in front of Muiji than usual, and he even complains less, although it is thanks to me. But he is so easy to understand.)

(Kunikida-kun is very easy to fall in love with this type of women - I have known it for a long time. If I want to compare it, it is the clichéd partner of an old-fashioned military officer and a sickly woman, but I am not very optimistic about this kind of story. , After all, I am a fan of evil ways that run counter to "correctness".)

Dazai had already finished eating the popsicles, and he borrowed Miss Haruno's small mirror to see that his tongue had turned a horrible color.

(The two colors are evenly distributed, which is nice.)

【twelve】

There was one thing that he finally had to admit recently.That is, things about life and death, as well as non-daily and beyond the scope of human understanding, are always very close to him. There is probably a precarious boundary faintly separated by a line that is not clear, and the non-daily part is slightly When it becomes huge, the part of his common sense will naturally be suppressed.

Especially ghosts, which subvert logic and violate ethics, reverse life and death, and reverse time. Every time he encounters it, he can clearly feel that the line collapsing at the boundary of his consciousness becomes more and more transparent.

(In the final analysis, supernatural powers are the stage of human beings. They are just violence played by human bodies. In the final analysis, they are no different from weapons, and they are far from being called chaos and evil.)

(The ghost completely discards the good part of being a human being, leaving only the dull part of human nature—something like pickling.)

No matter how desperately the ghost hunter clenches the sun wheel knife in his hand to cut off the tragedies again and again, as long as the starting point is not destroyed, new despair will eventually arise.

This time, Wu Yishi was teetering in the middle of the seesaw, looking as if he was about to be upside down.

What Dazai thought was that he had already helped her once, when he met Yukimura-san for the first time.

Fortunately, Wu Yizhen's learning ability made her sober, and Dazai also found that she had more personal desires in the process of getting along with the positive-minded ghost hunter. In layman's terms, Wu Yizhen can now Take the initiative to express the idea of ​​​​"what I want to do".

(On an optimistic note, her expressed desires are positive—such as wanting to help others, to reciprocate their kindness.)

(After she can clearly and strongly express her will, and can question other people's ideas and suggestions, she has to learn to guide herself and achieve herself.)

【Thirteen】

To keep Wuyishi in this world, he thinks that an anchor is needed. How to find the anchor and the anchor point is a delicate task. You must not set the goal too high, but you must not set it too lightly, otherwise As soon as the water rushes in, it will drift along with it.

In other words, what she needs is something that can roughly lock the mind, soul, and personality together so that they will not collapse.

(The desire to survive can also be regarded as one of the links, but in anyone's opinion, there is no distinction between good and evil, so it cannot be used as an anchor point.)

(That's why it is said that "Fate" is the most suitable red rope, which can firmly fix a person's soul on the ground. Even if the ground is cracked, the person tied to the other end of the rope can also hold the falling person, so that the person will not fall. will fall.)

He thought—his life is always repeated losing and losing, and it is precisely because he has lost too much that he can clearly understand what is what can bind people.Especially something she was trying to grasp in clumsy ways, such as friendship, once she thought of losing her place, she would become unbearable to fall short, so she forced herself to cheer up.

- This is the last test.

Dazai told her part of the information he had obtained and guessed.As for Wu Yishi's troubles, "Can I really be regarded as a human being?", Dazai didn't find it strange after hearing this. There are traces of Wu Yishi's troubles.

This is also the result of his observation during this period of time.

——She is undoubtedly a human being, a perfectly normal human being.

(She needs something more to solidify her identity, to dissipate the haunting unease.)

(I understand why, because I am a human being, and I know the necessities that people rely on to live. She needs a name, a family relationship, no matter what the family relationship is, she must at least have an experience that she can tell, even if she is an "orphan", Also a family construct.)

(She also needs interpersonal relationships that are not related to blood. Whether it is a work partner or a friend, even if it is a few more occasional encounters, it is okay. There are also anniversaries, such as birthdays, which are more like a person than a name Hashtags, just saying "it's my birthday" are the magic spell to make people smile at you—the kind of unconditional happiness spell that Wuyi really needs.)

(August [-]th sounds as special as "Inai Muimi" and it's fitting.)

Wu Yishi tilted his head, his expression was soft, not as soft as silk cloth, but as sticky and soft as toothpaste.Her long eyelashes covered a layer of light shadow under the light, as if there was a wonderful balance shining in her dark eyes, at this moment she had the ability to break the barrier between reality and fantasy, she The shadows became more distinct.

"Get rid of the honorific title," she said. "The full name sounds too long."

Her expression is by no means flattering, nor flattering, but a kind of coquetry with a very shallow concentration.She just didn't deliberately express this matter, but simply asked for it openly, and she was completely different from the murmured appearance when they first met.Although the body remains the same, her colors are made more alive by the dynamism given to her by the power awakened within.

"Then I'll call you Yijun."

This is a name with a rebellious meaning, which strongly expresses one's determination to be different, like the name that a child with the strongest character would give himself.

Taken out the most meaningful part of "nonsense" - he thought.

This is great resistance.

The half lily was still in his pocket, and his fingers had already touched the edge of the petal.

【end】

"Yi Jun, happy birthday."

The author has something to say:

In short, let me apologize first (suddenly), if it is OOC, it belongs to me.

Well, although this article is said to be based on Dazai’s perspective, it is more about intercepting clips, focusing on “a certain idea at a certain moment” and extracting the part where the thinking changed at that time.In general, these are some very trivial thoughts.

The same thing feels differently in the eyes of different people. As readers, we are God’s perspective and a third party who has an absolute understanding of the process, so readers will find out as they read—it’s useless to face the same thing. Reality and Dazai have different ideas and opinions. This difference is the part that cannot be fully understood and completely consistent between people.

This difference exists not only in the two characters in my article, but also in the readers and characters.

Wu Yishi is the No.1 protagonist, so her psychological activities are very transparent.Including her doubts about herself, self-deprecation, and confusion about the authenticity of her feelings, readers can clearly feel it, so when her psychological state improves, readers can also realize it immediately.

When readers see a certain behavior, expression, or sentence of Dazai in my article, they will use their own thoughts to analyze him, think what kind of mental state he is at this time, what plans he has, and what stage of relationship he is in. .

But when writing this article from Dazai’s point of view, the author himself filled in the small details, which is equivalent to giving readers an “author’s opinion”, so when I wrote it, I wondered whether it would make many people like it. The reader who analyzes and interprets loses her own pleasure in reading novels, or denies her own way of obtaining pleasure.More importantly, Dazai, the character created by Mr. Asagiri, is at best "the Dazai I understand". The Dazai in the hearts of readers must be different.

So try to avoid writing something too deadly.

It's like Dazai smiled when talking about eating ramen.What I wrote was why he laughed without specifying his feelings.

Reader A can think: He smiled, and his favorability for the protagonist at this time may be 1.

Reader B can think: he laughed, he was just because the incident was funny, not because he had a good impression of the protagonist.

This part is the part I want to leave blank for readers to knock it out (hey), reader A can shout "I got it", and reader B can say "the emotional line is still very weak, let me see it again".

To make an analogy, just like in our Dajinjiang, pulling the light is Schrödinger’s pulling the light. If you think I pulled the light, then I will pull it. If you think I didn’t pull the light, then I won’t (hey!)

Finally, shamelessly begging everyone for your comments, give me motivation, mua!

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感谢在2020-08-0812:40:09~2020-08-1020:11:20期间为我投出霸王票或灌溉营养液的小天使哦~

Thanks to the little angels who threw mines: 2 silver cats;

Thanks to the little angels of the irrigation nutrient solution: 20 bottles of RainbowWing, meowing; 2943461910 bottles of watermelon without skin; 3 bottles of Ye Liting; 1 bottle of Yanqu Chuxin, watermelon mango, and Ye Xunyue;

Thank you very much for your support, I will continue to work hard!