As a background board, I want to pursue Dazai

I fell down in shame.

I can't use my limbs, and it is extremely difficult to curl my fingers, and the fingertips feel rough as if they are rubbing sandpaper.As if my cardiopulmonary function had failed, I could only inhale and exhale in small mouthfuls, looking like a dying person lingering on his last breath.

Dazai generously lent me his bed. He said it was a bed, but in fact it was just a mattress on the floor. The quilt was also a set of plain white quilts, which looked like the ones in hotels with a uniform pattern and sewn together. The position is a little off the line, and the exposed thread ends are browned at the corners.

He thoughtfully put a cup of hot water beside the bed.I looked directly at the notches on the ceiling, covered by a black shadow above my head, and there was human warmth on my forehead.

"I have a fever." He touched my forehead and announced my condition simply.

I don't need him to say it, I can feel it——

Needless to say, the hot air rolling out of my throat almost made me suffocate.I tried my best to touch my thumb and index finger together, but I was startled by the temperature of my body.

"Taking medicine probably won't work." He murmured and walked away, and I couldn't hear his footsteps anymore.

(Medication won't help, of course.)

(This is a kind of "punishment mechanism"...)

I thought, I was probably like a fish thrown up on the shore with its stomach turned upside down, so I must have no sense of beauty.

Hey, it’s really embarrassing. Although it’s not my original wish, I want to stay in this embarrassing posture in the room of the opposite sex I like. I want to peel off the cumbersome skin on my body and clean it up bit by bit with a brush. Dust and dirt on it.

I shrunk myself into the quilt, smelled the owner of the house inadvertently, and was almost drunk... In the overwhelming drunkenness, I had many strange thoughts.

A few days ago, I wrote half of the article, but I didn't have a title. I saved the half-article in the draft box.

After all, it was the day when He Cun first came back, and I ate fried chicken that turned into batter and tasted terrible.I also felt the taste of broken love on the same day.

……

……

The article is like this.

【Title: None】

This article was written on a whim, and I wanted to use the girl's mouth to explain my own thoughts. I was complacent and thought that I had a little understanding of the girl's mind.

【After tidying up the sports equipment with my classmates today, my body is covered in sweat. After I put on a summer shirt, I don’t like the smell even more. Even if I asked my deskmate three or four times, she only Will you say "No, you are too sensitive" to perfuse me?In fact, I must be very embarrassed and ugly now, right?

Not to mention that the school uniform shirt was splashed with ink because of classmates' fights. The red ink was eye-catching and ugly.

"Go home early and take a comfortable hot bath."

I was thinking about it when I looked up and saw a familiar figure.

How did you meet him?

I stood numbly in front of the station, watching his figure getting closer and closer, my feet seemed to be glued and rooted on the concrete floor, and my calves were itchy like someone was climbing up with their hands .

There was a voice in my heart that kept shouting: Don’t, don’t come here, at least not now.

He has already seen me, and he stretched out his arms heartily and waved in the air. I could see his bright smile through two or three rows of people. Soothed.

But today, not today alone. 】

【Jun A trotted over, and he said to me: "What a coincidence, let's go home together."

Yes, go home.Mr. A and I are on the same road, and our home is only half a street apart, which means that from now on, we will have to go on the same road for at least half an hour. When I think of this, I feel very depressed, and tears almost drop Falling.

I don't want my beloved Mr. A to notice my abnormality, so I just greeted my fake smiling face and said softly, "Okay, let's go together then."

"In this way, I can chat with you along the way."

Looking at his innocent smiling face, I got angry.

At such a close distance, Mr. A must have smelled me... When I think that when we meet in the future, his impression of me will only be this lingering smell, and I feel desperate. This is worse than anything else. horrible hell.

If I had known this, I might as well have turned around and ran away just now. In this way, Mr. A will only say that I am "a woman with a strong temper" instead of "that unattractive woman" when thinking of me in the future.

Mr. A is an idiot, a big idiot, why can't he notice it?

Whether it's the fact that I don't want to meet him with his current ugly appearance, or the fact that I have long been secretly in love with him. 】

When I wrote this, it was about the climax of my feelings, and I wrote it without thinking about anything.

Yes, I just hate him. Compared to liking him, I still hate him.

In fact, I should hate myself, but hating myself is like admitting that I have lost, and I will be unwilling to die.

["Your hair accessories are so cute," he said.

Hate, don't talk about my hair accessories.Is it because I have nothing worthy of your praise?

That is also a matter of course, right?I know oh, I don't like this.There is no way around this, I was destined to have such a face since I was born, and at that time, I didn't know that I would become so ugly.

Mr. A once fell in love with his partner's son C.

A child like Mrs. C is a beauty that women can fall in love with. Whether it is a delicate figure or a butterfly-like gaze, they are all factors that men cannot refuse.

It would be great if I was a beautiful girl who was pure white and flawless like my wife.

There is no need to embarrass Mr. A, I can't even find a place to start with the compliment. 】

……

If there is a piece of clothing that can hide the dirt, once I put it on, I can not only cover my ugly skin, but even become radiant, so that I can also use its light to become clean things.

Well, with this kind of power, it is a thing of strange power and chaos. I dare not imagine the feather robes of celestial maidens. People can wear them, and they are shiny and spotless—is it a cassock?

Got it, got it, it's the cassock.

This article is called vestments.

……

……

I closed my eyes in a daze, the floor was stepped on, and I could feel the bumpy feeling of people stepping on the wooden board through a thin layer of mattress. Dazai closed the door back and forth several times, and I can’t count up.At night, my heart burned dry, and I tried to hold the water glass to drink water, but I knocked over the glass.

In the dark room, the cup rolled to the ground, and the folds on the outer wall of the cup slid on the floor with a "rolling" sound.The water was sprinkled all over the floor as a matter of course, I had nothing to wipe, so I wiped it with my hands randomly, but it didn’t work, I still needed a dry cloth, so I simply wiped it twice on the ground with my long sleeve, and then closed my eyes lie down.

When I woke up the next morning, I was healed. The overturned water glass was gone, and the ground was clean without any water stains.

—Maybe he cleaned it.

Dazai kindly prepared breakfast for me - plum rice balls bought in a convenience store, heated in a microwave oven and served with a cup of hot tea. This was the starting point for my daily plan.

"Thank you very much." As far as the matter is concerned, I still caused him a lot of trouble, and I am already doubly grateful for letting me stay for a night instead of sleeping on the street.

Dazai returned to the unsalty appearance when I first saw him. When the iris eyes were emotional, they even stared at the gap on the teacup, making people think he was falling in love with someone. Feeling out of place.

I hurriedly moved the cup to the side - when doing this, I remembered that the cups I used belonged to him, which means that he usually uses these cups...

Forget it, forget about it.It's strange to let strangers use his items. With his personality, I thought he would be more cautious in this regard, at least let me use paper cups, right?

"Mr. Dazai, I'm going to work." I turned on the phone and showed him the time, "When the salary is paid... Well, I mean, I will repay you." I wanted to say that I would repay you, I also felt that these words seemed to sound superior and uncomfortable, so I changed the wording, but I didn't expect it to be even more out of character.

Dazai stood up and patted the unnecessary dust on his body, and suggested cheerfully: "I'll take you there."

"I can do it alone."

"What a crisp answer," he said. "It hurts a bit."

I was once again overwhelmed by his impeccable smile.

"……sorry."

On the way to the part-time job, Dazai mentioned my blogging.I thought he was just talking casually in the ramen shop yesterday, but I didn't expect there to be more.

"There is also a reply in the message asking if you want to contribute to the magazine." He walked unhurriedly, and the wind blowing from the river bank from bottom to top rolled up the hem of his coat, "Miss Wu Yishi didn't contribute at all. plan?"

I shook my head against my will.

He continued to ask in a calm tone: "Is it because of identity?"

I haven't communicated with people carefully for a long time, even if I don't have much desire to talk, it has accumulated together with the depression of these days and piled up into a hill.When Dazai asked about me, the gate in my heart was slightly loosened, and a little bit of my desire to export my emotions to the outside world was released.

"...Because it's very difficult." I said, "It's out of reach for me to support myself with words. I don't want to mention whether I have the talent in this area-but I think I probably don't .”

"I know a little bit... writers, after winning the newcomer award, they began to fall silent. There are not a few short-lived authors. Every time the bookstore writes the slogan very exaggerated, just say that it is a certain newcomer award-winning work. It makes me feel terrible to have to put titles such as 'it can be called the reincarnation of xx teacher', 'a handed down work that no one will fall in love with', 'the last xxxx in Heisei' and so on."

I seemed to be excited, and chattered endlessly: "Wrapped by the waves of the shining golden things of honor, what will happen once the waves subside? The thought of standing naked in the sea alone, showing your true colors It’s frightening for others to see—”

"What's more, what should I do if the second and third books are mediocre? People will say, 'The peak of that guy's life is only the first book'? Even if he overcomes the psychological barrier and writes one after another, If you fail to win an award, you will barely maintain your reputation as a writer. In the end, the first edition of seven or eight thousand volumes is already a luxury, and it may be cut down again and again by the publishing house. The manuscript fee is not ideal, and what increases in the end is not fame, but age..."

Not to mention the pursuit of nominations and awards day after day, obsession may become a curse, and the rest of life can only continue to be wasted in writing and self-doubt.At that time, can you still write clear and timeless words?I am already a dead wood, and I want to carve it with outstanding patterns. Wouldn't it be self-defeating?

"I heard that many writers who have won the Newcomer Award gave up writing in the end, but what should they do if they have a gap in their hearts? As long as they recall the past scenery, they will feel toothache. The rest who are still persisting are just 'to To make a living, I have to write 'right... If I don't write, I will have no source of income, and there is no other way, I can only keep writing."

"Besides, I can't even eat right now, so I don't have the energy to devote myself to writing." I said, "Then there's the identity certificate... If you count them one by one, wouldn't it be endless?"

When I looked back, I realized what a nasty thing I had said.

What am I?

Even the short-lived author of the Newcomer Award is thousands of times better than me. How can I be qualified to comment on other people's lives?Still acting like you know everything?

"...Sorry, I seem to be too arrogant." I tried to save a little bit of the situation, "I just feel that I don't have the talent in this area, no matter how long I work hard, I can't make a name for myself. In the end, it's just a waste of time It’s just a waste. Actually, I have to say, compared to literary and artistic publications, it would be better for me to contribute to dross magazines... Ha... Haha..."

Dross magazines, that is, there are pictures of beauties or lace news printed on them. They are sensational but unexpectedly popular among certain groups. Even some small hospitals will publish soft advertisements on them. Besides, there are some people who don’t know Mysterious exploration articles written by people, popular folk stories...

...I'll try my best, maybe I can serialize two hundred words of jokes on the back cover of the publication.

"I see...Miss Wu Yishi has already investigated this matter in advance."

Mr. Dazai is an extremely moral listener.

He listened to my complaints with a high degree of seriousness before I finished my nonsensical, illogical, and positive sentences, even though we were walking side by side, so I didn't dare to look at his face blatantly. But once or twice, when I habitually and cautiously probed the likes and dislikes of the people around me during the conversation, I didn't see any impatience towards me from his eyes.

It's no wonder that a man like him is very popular with women no matter what he thinks, right?

——Elegant demeanor, there is absolutely no derogation of women in speech and behavior, and the seemingly sentimental face will not feel bored when listening to women's trivial troubles. Women, no, as long as they are people, when talking, no matter what the other party has. If you don't understand your words, as long as you feel his sincere side, you will have a good impression of this person.

"As for what Miss Wuyishi said, I also have some other opinions." He said, "Isn't it just because you didn't win an award that you shouldn't be a writer? Have you deified 'writer' too much? Indeed, After winning the Newcomer Award, driven by flowers and honors, there are not a few people who want to continue walking on this road, but before that, being a writer is just a profession, even if there is no award - writers will exist .”

"Putting thoughts into words and passing them on to everyone in the form of words is the original mode of writing. As for the newcomer award or other awards, they all came about after this. For those who live on words Let’s say, don’t they stop writing without a prize? They’ll keep writing.”

"To put it bluntly, it's the same if you replace the writer with any profession that Miss Yishi is familiar with in daily life." He pointed to the police box in the distance, "There will be no police because 'I'm not the one who catches the most criminals That' you don't want to be a policeman?"

"There are no policemen who say, 'I became a policeman to arrest the most criminals'? Ah... But, there are quite a few people who say 'I became a policeman for the sake of world peace'."

"—so why are you so harsh on writers alone?"

"—Or is Miss Wuyishi the kind of person who sets her goals very high from the very beginning?"

His words came to an abrupt end, but I thought he still had something to say, as if saying to me:

— How arrogant.

The author has something to say:

This update has to be written a little fatter (squat)

I hope you will collect and leave a lot of comments. Comments are my motivation! (Dogeza)

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感谢在2020-07-0820:40:27~2020-07-1322:08:12期间为我投出霸王票或灌溉营养液的小天使哦~

Thanks to the little angel who threw the grenade: 1 little magic fairy;

Thanks to the little angels who threw mines: 3 Xiaomoxian; 25576928, don’t play games, 1;

Thanks to the little angel of irrigation nutrient solution: cc20 bottles; Yiran Feixin 4 bottles; 255769281 bottles;

Thank you very much for your support, I will continue to work hard!