between men and women

One hundred and eighth post

I think I really don't understand Peng Zhiran very well.

After I bought that house that day, I had some sudden fantasies again, but it turns out that I was thinking too much.He never contacted me until he entered the trading center to transfer ownership and got the production certificate.

I signed a new lease contract with the tenant’s company, paid three deposits and one deposit, and every three months, a rent will be credited into my bank card for repaying the loan, and then I just need to wait for the bank to automatically deduct the money every month and then send I have a text message that the deduction has been successful.

The house was sold, and Peng Zhiran and I had already moved our belongings back to our own homes. I also returned his bank card to him on the day we moved.

It took me a long time to start sorting out the things I moved back. After being numb to geography for a long time, I suddenly remembered the shit couplet he wrote back then, and the photo frame of Haagen-Dazs, but I couldn’t find it in all the places.Sitting on the ground slumped and then I started to be in a daze.There is nothing left, he didn't even leave me these two things, except for the phone number in the mobile phone, I actually left nothing...

I suddenly understood why he lied to me to buy that house.Peng Zhiran never liked to owe others things, did he think that I paid a lot for the down payment of the first house for decoration and so on, so he used the money he earned from that house to buy one and return it to me, so that we are in good terms? up?

Thinking of this, I broke down in an instant, crying until it rained hoarsely.

The matter of studying abroad has been going on, but my mother's attitude is a bit strange. She is not as anxious as she was at first, but slow. Before, she would mutter that I will definitely meet someone who is ten million times better than Peng Zhiran. The time didn't say anymore.

Liang Mingchuan called me frequently recently, and always told me not to go to Singapore first, don't go to Singapore first, don't be so anxious Chen Jia.I vaguely felt that he was hiding something from me, and when I asked him, he always said nothing.I said Liang Mingchuan, I am very tired, my heart is very tired, do you know that I am really tired thinking about him every day in this place.He said that if you really can’t do it, come to Japan for vacation, and then told me about his time in Japan, saying that he is studying during the day and working at the meat counter of a supermarket under a large department store like Isetan at night. They have to deal with the beef and pork that cannot be sold that day, and their wage earners can take back the meat that will be disposed of anyway.He smiled and said, have you ever eaten Matsusaka beef? It will melt in your mouth if you put it in your mouth. Do you want to come on vacation? My brother will cook it for you. Although it is not the top-quality one, you can fry it with some butter It is delicious when fried, ah, this way of eating is really luxurious.

I:……

I stayed at home all day and had nothing to do, and I was not interested in finding a job, so I started to browse gay websites on the Internet.

When I was with Peng Zhiran, I was never interested in people like me.At that time, the focus of my life was only Peng Zhiran. I didn't care about the living conditions of the same kind, and I didn't know the joys and sorrows of others. I only cared about managing my own two-person world.But now my world is falling apart, and I start to wonder what the world of my kind is like, what is it like for people who have loved and lost like me.

However, after reading it, I realized that the world is so chaotic, and those of us are so miserable.

Some people want to find love, some people only want sex; some people are hurt, some people hurt others after being hurt; some people get sick before they know what they want, some people want love but are forced to start with sex and then Gradually, I no longer extravagantly seek love... It seems that they are all painful, confused, helpless and lonely, and some are forced into fraudulent marriages.Of course, there will also be some happy stories, hiding in the cabinet and using fake surnames and first names, but I don’t know why I always feel illusory when I read them.Yes, no matter how happy you are now, who will know whether it is HE or BE until the end, haven't we been happy before?However, looking and looking, I suddenly had an urge to glimpse the same kind.

Usually walking on the street, I don't even know who is the same as me.We are like well-disguised aliens, and we will never know who is our own until we remove that layer of disguise.It is very painful to be alone for too long, and I want to find someone to listen to me.

So I looked up the address of a famous gay bar on the Internet and went for a drink.

Sitting at the bar, I was cramped.I usually don't go clubbing very much, and this is the first time I've come to this place.Under the dim light, there is a feeling of being spied on.Someone is making out in a corner not far away, someone will pass by you and look at you presumptuously, walk over to chat with someone nearby, and occasionally look at you, even the air is full of ambiguous commotion and hunger.

I sat for a while and became restless.I don't know why, but I really miss Peng Zhiran.

A man came up to say hello to me, a well-groomed man in his mid-thirties.I nodded to him out of politeness and he struck up a conversation with me.His conversation is not bad, he doesn't always talk by himself, he will initiate a topic and lead me to participate, and gradually I start to talk a little more.After talking a few topics about entertainment music, he looked at me sideways and asked, "Did something happen to you? When you first walked in, your whole aura was DAWN."

I nodded and took a sip of wine: "I was dumped."

"Oh." He smiled and raised his glass to me: "Congratulations on your growth."

I smiled bitterly and clinked glasses with him.

He looked at me: "Let's find another one. The best way to forget the last relationship is to re-enter a new relationship. You will get used to it soon."

I imagined it subconsciously, but found that I subconsciously hoped that the next one would still be Peng Zhiran.I think I probably won't be able to get out.

By the time the wine was over, I felt a little better.He asked me if I was going, I nodded, stood up and went out with him.At the door, he asked: "How is XXX?" XXX is the name of a hotel, and I realized instantly that he was looking for 419.Stammered that it was getting late and I was leaving, then ran away like a fool.Sitting in the taxi home, I suddenly felt sad. Looking at the bright night of this city, I felt extremely sad. Is it true that people like us will no longer believe in love in the end, except dating is dating, and there is no more ability to love.

I don't know if I will degenerate like that in the future, but at least for me now, if that person isn't Peng Zhiran, I wouldn't have any desire at all.

So I started a love affair with my quilt.

This quilt was brought back from our former home.Peng Zhiran is very incompetent about trivial matters in life, he will only take away what he thinks needs to be taken away, he doesn't care about quilts and so on.

Just like Xin Xiaoqi's "Taste", I was foolishly greedy for his smell on the quilt, or it was his smell that I fantasized, talking to it every day, kissing it, treating it as Peng Zhiran, hugging it sleep with it.

The human brain is very strange. Sometimes it can create a whole world just by fantasy.I don't need to work so hard, I just need to use fantasy to create a Peng Zhiran, a Peng Zhiran who is always by my side, loves me, hurts me, tolerates me, warms me, hugs me and kisses me.

So I'm in love with my quilt.

I will tell it what TV I watched today, what news I saw on the Internet, what I ate at noon, how the study abroad is going, and sometimes I will play its role, talk to myself, and then kiss it, Fantasizing that it was Peng Zhiran, fantasizing about hugging, kissing and having sex with him.

I don't know if this is considered sick, I just know that I've been sick since the day I left Peng Zhiran, and I'm dying.

The bank's deduction SMS has come for the second time. I count on my fingers how long I have been away from Peng Zhiran.It’s been almost three months. In the past three months, the phone number with Peng Zhiran’s name on my mobile phone has not rang once.Sometimes I would post all day in a daze, just staring at the mobile phone number in a daze, wanting to press it but I don’t want to press it, I don’t know what I want.

I haven't been to a gay bar since the last time, and if it's really too miserable to have a drink, I go to a normal bar.He didn't say hello or talk to anyone, he couldn't see handsome men or beautiful women, only the bartender behind the bar.

I tried several wines, I'm a poor drinker and always started by ordering a glass of red wine, although that's silly in a bar.Gradually, the bartender would recommend me other wines, and then I gradually fell in love with shorts, such as the Tequilas sunrise, which felt very refreshing after a sip, and then I began to feel dizzy, a feeling of just being buoyant when I drank to the critical point, which made me You can temporarily forget your troubles and have hallucinations at the same time. When you drift home, you will occasionally see the flickering cigarette butt at the corner of the garden in the community. You can imagine that the person behind it is Peng Zhiran...

As for Peng Zhiran, I always know news about him consciously or unconsciously.Bo Rong and his senior brother knew that I lived with Peng Zhiran in the community opposite to their house, they always thought we were renting together, and would occasionally ask us to play cards.Knowing that after we moved away, Bo Rong was quite regretful. He said that it would not be so convenient to play cards in the future. He would occasionally call me and say that now you live far away and don’t come to play. Peng Zhiran is like a workaholic, working overtime every day , really boring.

When summer was over and autumn was windy, I was laying in bed one night in love with my quilt when my phone rang.I think it's probably Liang Mingchuan again at this late hour.He got off work very late, and at this point there was basically no one else but him. I took a look at my phone, but it was a name that hadn't appeared on my phone for a long time——Peng Zhiran.