Mr. Butler on the catwalk

He knew he was dreaming, so he came back to this place.

Wooden desk, drawing board, white window sills and shutters—if he could choose, he didn't want to face this room.

It's just that the body in the dream couldn't be controlled by himself, he could only stumble towards the desk, and then stretched out his hand.

—He tried to struggle, but couldn't wake up.A feeling of near despair spread in this dream - no, don't open that drawer -

In the next moment, the overwhelming white drawing paper flew out of the drawer, and then slowly fell down, landing on the ground as light as a feather.

The sunshine in the dream is just right.

In the dream, he lowered his head and his eyes fell on the portrait on the drawing paper.

...and then Alfred woke up suddenly and opened his eyes in the dark.

……

At the age of 21, Alfred stood on an outdoor podium, surrounded by a group of restless and impatient seniors.The sun in early summer was already very strong, and the sunlight passed over the brim of the bachelor's hat, making Alfred's eyes hurt.The greenness of the grass was sharp and dazzling, and there was a slight, sour smell of sweat from the elderly principal beside him.

But Alfred didn't blink.After a brief introduction from the headmaster, he walked to the microphone.Quietly scanning the audience, he raised the corners of his mouth and narrowed his eyes slightly.

…that was probably the best valedictorian speech at that university in a decade.At the end, everyone stood up and applauded, and every young face was inspired by enthusiasm.Alfred bowed slowly and walked off the stage steadily.

He greeted everyone who greeted him.Confetti fell on his head, and his painted hands left marks on the skirt of his shirt.He didn't care, smiled friendly, and was lifted up and thrown into the sky all the time.After the ceremony ended and the graduates dispersed, he walked slowly to the last few rows of the ceremony venue.

Rows of white chairs were torn up and down, and all kinds of debris were scattered around the venue.The back of the chair was originally pasted with the name of the person who was supposed to sit, but not many people actually sat down according to the regulations.Alfred stared at the mess, squatted down slowly, and picked up a crumpled piece of paper from the ground.

There is a person's name written on the paper.That person was supposed to be sitting here, but ended up not being there.

That person was one level above him, so he decided to graduate a year early.He had envisioned the scene of the graduation ceremony before, and it was probably that he and that person would huddle together in a corner where others could not see, kissing quietly at the moment when everyone threw up their bachelor's hats.

But now he was standing on the stage alone, looking from afar at the empty seat in the last row that belonged to that person.

Alfred took a deep breath, stood up, and put the paper into his breast pocket.

…the man died at four o'clock in the morning two days before graduation.

It was not yet dawn at that time, and he was half asleep and half awake, but was awakened by the sound of hurried footsteps around him.The medical staff in white rushed into the ward, turned on the light suddenly, and let him see that the oxygen mask on the man's face was blood red.

He stood up silently and slowly, walked to the isolation window, and watched everything that happened in the ward.The whistling sound of the instrument could be heard far away, and he watched quietly as the person on the bed was kicked up by the electric shock, and then fell down powerlessly.It should be time to feel the urgency, but he felt that all the strong emotions - tension, despair, anger, grievance, sadness, were dissipating little by little.

He didn't accompany that person's bedside, and the other person didn't leave any final sentences.Just before closing his eyes, the man raised his head slightly and looked at himself.

What was the meaning of that gaze, he didn't understand at the time.

... When the death notice came out, he signed it calmly, with a helpless smile on his tired face.The doctor looked at his face hesitantly, and confirmed his relationship with that person again - "Lover?"

"It's all in the past." He smiled bitterly, but sincerely.

The doctor nodded, and when he turned around, he said to himself, "No wonder."

Alfred still smiled, and then remained silent as the doctor left.After a while, he realized that his hands were covered with sticky cold sweat, so he went to the bathroom, turned on the tap and lowered his head to rinse slowly.

... The moment he looked up again, he saw his own face in the mirror.

He was still laughing.It seems to be unconscious, smiling so confused, but it doesn't seem to be sad.He looked at his face like this, but couldn't change his expression.He didn't turn off the water in the faucet, but put his hands on the washstand, and slowly opened his eyes wide.

He had the illusion that he was crying, but he couldn't cry in the end.He thought that he was probably very sad, so he felt cold, hurt, and dizzy, as if he had cholera.

He slowly bent down, one hand clenched into a fist and resting on the ground, the fist tightened inch by inch.

... He could never forget the night before yesterday, when he approached that person's hospital bed, trying to wipe the blood off his mouth.The man suddenly woke up from the dream, struggling, and using the greatest strength in his body, he pulled the pillow out from behind and threw it on his face.

The connection of the instrument on the man was broken, and the red light of the monitor flickered in the dark room.The red light was also reflected in the man's eyes, like a bright hatred, flickering slowly.

Alfred stood by the door, the lights of the hospital corridor behind him.In front of his eyes, his own body cast such a lonely, obscure shadow.

He didn't know what to do, so he just lowered his head and closed his eyes.

……

It was that person who first proposed the breakup.When he heard that sentence, his mind went blank, and he could only hear the buzzing sound in his ears.It's like someone slowly pokes his chest with an ice pick, and his body is still wondering whether it should hurt first or feel cold first.

Those few seconds of silence felt like centuries, and even his own breathing sounded harsh.He opened his mouth, but didn't know how to organize the words.So he pursed his lips, remained silent for a while, and then said the sentence: "Fine."

It was just a monosyllabic word, but he couldn't understand the meaning of the word in a daze.

When he clarified the status quo, the delayed pain finally arrived at the destination, hitting his chest like a blunt instrument.He waited for the slow pain to pass slowly, without saying a word.

——Why do you want to break up?

He wants to ask.

—I don't want you to leave.

If possible, I would like to ask you to stay.

——What I said before, that I might die if I leave you, is not a lie.

But in the end, Alfred still stood there quietly with his head down, like a child who had no objection to the status quo.

……

That's right.Although he knows that he loves that person very much, that person doesn't seem happy when he is with him.

In recent months, that person has always stayed silent in the studio, locked the door that separated the space between the two, and spent a lot of time alone.Even if he was sitting opposite him, the man didn't say a word, he just looked at him quietly, his brows were slightly frowned in confusion.

He thinks that face looks very sad, but he can't change anything.Whether it's "I love you" or "I'll always be with you," saying something like this will only make the expression on that person's face more alienated.

...He didn't know when the two of them became this way of getting along.When we met for the first time, he already understood the coldness and reticence in that person's nature.However, at that time, the two of them were still happy - the man seldom smiled, and his smile was very faint, but when he looked at him, his eyes were exceptionally warm.

What went wrong, so that the current person told him to break up?

He can't understand.

However, even if he didn't understand, even if it was painful, he would accept it.

That's right, if it's what that person wants, whatever it is, he'll take it.

He can do anything for that person.

So Alfred raised his head and showed that person a seemingly innocent smile——

"I wish you happiness in the future."

……

"Isn't it strange that you speak like this?..."

In the family restaurant, the friend shook his head at Alfred.

Alfred put down the sandwich he took a bite of: "What's so strange?"

The friend sighed helplessly: "Think about it... You clearly said to him such words as 'I love you' and 'I will be with you', but when you broke up, you were so straightforward, it sounded like you Don't care..."

Alfred smiled wryly: "I don't care?... He's the one who wants to break up. What can I do? If it's what he wants, I'll give it to him...I promised him that a long time ago. "

The friend scratched his hair irritably: "...it's not what you think... Sometimes, the other party breaks up just because he doesn't know how to deal with the relationship... Rather than saying 'breakup', it's better to call it 'breakup'." 'Help'."

Alfred frowned: "I don't understand what you mean..."

"A person like him should think about a lot of things. His mother is a professor in the physics department of our school, right? It is said that she is a very conservative Asian. You asked him to move out with you without even thinking about it. Living together, when he agreed to you, he severed ties with his mother. None of us thought that he would give up his family for you, and you were the only one who took this matter Takeforgranted." The friend had a regretful look on his face: " When we asked you why there was no vibration at all, your answer was really..."

"...But, he himself said that this matter is not a big deal, I..." Alfred seemed to want to defend himself, but was interrupted by his friend: "It's not a big deal? You are his Boyfriend, do you know how much this incident has affected the school? After he cut off his relationship with his mother, he couldn’t even get a scholarship. He went to apply for a student loan of 6 yuan a year alone. Everyone in the department knows it? He is an art student, how long will he have to repay the debt of more than [-] yuan in three years...you..."

Alfred was speechless and could only remain silent.

The friend's expression was almost unbearable: "He said he doesn't care, and you think he doesn't care. Your character of believing what the other party says is really..." Almost unable to continue, the friend paused before continuing : "I didn't object to you being with a man at the beginning, and I don't want you to separate now. Think about it for yourself, how sad he should be now."

"..."

"He gave up almost everything for you. Now that you have broken up, he has nothing left. I really think he is very pitiful. How could he fall in love with someone like you... He is credulous and unreasonable. You don't understand people's hearts, and you don't realize how much pressure your own excellence puts on him, right? He is a man anyway. Now he probably has some problems, and he doesn't know how to ask you for help, so he just broke up It's right. In the end, you gave up so easily..."

The friend's voice slowly sank, and he no longer looked at Alfred's face: "I can't say it's your fault. But I advise you, get him back quickly."

——"Otherwise, maybe something will happen."

……

... what will happen?

It was five months later that Alfred saw the man again.

"I've never seen such a short incubation period." The doctor said, flipping through the medical records in his hand: "The window period usually starts around three months, and the incubation period is usually between 5 and 10 years. The numbers are not without. It's just that the cases that jumped directly from the window period to the onset period... This is the first time I have seen it. It should be a congenital immune system problem. There is no record in the medical records. Do you know anything? "

Alfred listened to these words in a daze, without reaction or answer.

The doctor glanced at him: "This is the second week of the patient's hospitalization. Up to now, no one has visited him except you. You are his..."

Alfred whispered: "Lover."

The doctor's face became a little embarrassed: "Sorry, I should pay more attention to the content of the conversation. Cough, if, as you said, you are willing to be the bearer of his medical expenses outside the insurance, we will start tomorrow Conservative treatment turned to cocktail therapy..."

The doctor looked at Alfred's expression carefully.After a long while, he suggested to him: "Would you like to... talk to him?"

Alfred didn't answer right away.He hesitated, then finally nodded.

……

The man was lying on the bed with a pale face and a swollen neck.Contrasted with the puffy neck are his thin cheeks - there are obvious shadows under the cheekbones, and there are various shades of scarlet mottled on the side of the cheeks.

It looked weird and ugly, but the man's eyes were calm.There was no look of fear, no other emotional ups and downs.

Alfred walked to the hospital bed, lowered his head, and slowly stretched out his hand, trying to hold the man's hand.The man withdrew his hand and hid it under the quilt.

Both are silent.After a long time, Alfred tried his best to put a smile on his face, talking to himself, and opened his mouth with difficulty: "Everything will be fine."

"I will always be with you."

"It's not a big deal..."

When he said this, he felt that his voice was difficult.The man looked at him sideways and said, "You don't have to say such things. If you want to ask anything, just ask."

Alfred looked down at his hands, and after a long silence he asked, "Is what they said true?"

The man waited for him to continue.

"You would rather sleep with others to make money than come back to me?"

"You look like this...and the Prostitute..."

Alfred said no more.Such an accusation was too harsh, and he himself felt cruel.It wasn't me who was lying in the hospital bed now, and that person had paid a terrible price.It's just that once the emotions of jealousy and resentment sprouted, they surged violently, making his face instantly ugly.

The man didn't speak for a few seconds, but his body began to tremble slightly.Alfred wanted to reach out to hug the man's shoulder, but the man leaned back and refused the physical contact slowly and with difficulty.

At that moment, Alfred suddenly felt terrified.Then he heard the man say in a hoarse voice—

"Alfred."

"Please, get out of my life."

These were the last words that man said to him before he died.

……

It was much later that Alfred realized how difficult that man's life was.Whether it's with yourself, or afterward.It's just that the person never said it.

That person never said that his bank account was frozen by his family, and even his teaching assistant position in the school was abruptly cancelled.

That person never said that his living expenses were not covered. Every weekend, regardless of the rain or snow, he left early and returned late. He was not just taking pictures, but painting portraits of strangers in the park.

That person never said that he was ostracized and neglected by his classmates, because he was not only reticent, but now he became a so-called homosexual.

After the breakup, that person moved out the next day, with only 20 yuan in his body.There was only room for clothes in the suitcase, so the man left the drawing boards at Alfred's apartment.The man thought about borrowing money from a few friends, but the other party was a little reluctant, so he never mentioned it again.For three nights he lived in the utility room of the school studio, was found, and could only leave with good things.

If a person wants to live, it is probably not very difficult.It's just that most people have family members, friends, and skills, and even the worst can save their face and go to the relief.

It's just that that person gave up his family, friends, and even his job for Alfred.The moment Alfred accepted the breakup, he was at the end of his rope.

...That day that person walked into the office of a strange man, wanting to apply for a job at the show in the next month.He was originally the student with the best grades in the art department, but he was willing to put down his body and become a makeup artist for a show.

"No experience in this area before? This sounds very difficult."

The middle-aged man's expression changed slightly, and he walked behind the man with an inexplicable smile.

"...Don't underestimate the profession of a makeup artist. After all, it is a famous catwalk, and the requirements for makeup are also very high... However, it is not impossible to recommend you."

A pair of palms moved behind him, the man wanted to run away in a hurry, but the middle-aged man remained calm, and said to him in a deep voice: "I've seen a lot of people like you. I advise you, it's better to let you go." That useless self-esteem. In this day and age, self-esteem is the most depressing thing."

With his back to the middle-aged man, the man stood silently for a long time, finally turned around and closed his eyes.

He thought this was just the only compromise, but he didn't know that this was the beginning of a bigger tragedy.

……

The sun was shining brightly at the man's funeral.Apart from the pastor, the only people present were the earth-burden man, Alfred and his two friends.Alfred stared at the coffin reflecting in the sun, watching the thin soil cover it layer by layer.He kept his eyes wide open and didn't blink until he was dizzy and dizzy in fits and starts.

In the end, the appearance of the coffin was never seen again, and Alfred looked away.At some point, a woman in black stood beside her, facing that person's cemetery, tears streaming down her face.

Alfred approached him, and said to her in a low and guilty voice, "Hello."

The woman didn't look at him, she just talked to herself, "Why is my son so stupid?"

"Why didn't he want to tell me anything? Why did he endure it like this, and didn't say he wanted to go home until he died?"

"He came to me after he knew he was infected, but he didn't say anything? He just stood at the door of the house, stood there all the time, from day to night, looking at the windows of the house. My heart was about to break. If he speaks, I will let him come back, all the past is over, he is my son... But why didn't he say anything?"

"I really regret it... How could I be so determined to rush out and throw him a check to let him go... His hand is still cold, why didn't I shake it more?"

"He said goodbye to me, but why didn't he tell me that he was standing there to say goodbye to me and die alone?..."

These words uttered, and each sentence pierced Alfred's heart.He couldn't help thinking about that scene over and over again, which made him want to vomit in pain.

The man lived to be 22 years old and only got a funeral with four people.He could have lived proudly and had nothing to do with poverty and embarrassment all his life, but he ended up like this.It's not that he is loved by no one, it's just that the few people who were close to him began to understand him after he died.

Alfred knew he could excuse himself by saying that the man didn't speak, so he didn't understand what he was thinking.

But he himself never asked.

So his ignorance, his credulity and his self-righteous understanding buried the person he loved in this summer with his own hands.

——It would be fine if that person didn't meet me.

……

Alfred felt a slight disgust when the woman hugged him.But he didn't refuse, just gently, as if full of love, hugged that body.The subsequent physical contact seemed to happen naturally. At that moment after losing consciousness, the woman wrapped her arms around the bend of her neck like a glutton.

Alfred shook his head slightly, shaking the tiredness out of his mind.He stretched out his hand to gently stroke the woman's hair, and slowly opened his mouth.

——"Is there still such a thing? Knowing that I am a carrier of HIV, but using the identity of a performance agent to have sex with models? This is a crime!"

The glamorous female reporter showed an outraged expression.But when she's naked, the professional side looks a little funny.Alfred held the woman in his arms silently, without any other comments.

Then two weeks later, the second-line manager of the well-known performance management company went to jail.Because of the severe social impact, the media at the time reported it extensively.

When the female reporter came to find him again, Alfred refused with a smile.

Beauty in this world can be traded.I am intimate with you, and you climb into someone else's bed.Everyone takes advantage of each other, no one knows who is dirtier than who.

...so, want to give it a try?

Just fall down so bottomlessly, and see where you can fall.

……

"I really love you."

"I don't care about your past, I just want to be with you now."

"It doesn't matter if I get hurt, I will prove that I am sincere."

... Alfred has heard such sentences many, many times in the future.And these sincere-sounding sentences are just proof that you can start to use the speaker.

He has made too many fatal mistakes, so he will never repeat them.

He no longer needs to be told, he knows what others want.He can promise all those things, but he won't want to fulfill any of them.

Life becomes easy like a game, except that he can no longer sleep.The dream he once had, he never wanted to dream again.That fear couldn't be smoothed out, his cowardly body didn't want to experience sleep anymore.Fortunately, with the help of drugs, everything is not too difficult.

It's just that when these days have passed for several years, some kind of secret anxiety has also begun to sprout.

—How high do I have to climb before I fall?

—Is it now?Will someone come and stop me?

— When that day comes, let me drag as many people as I can, slowly fall down, and be smashed to pieces.

The moment Alfred jumped into the lake, he thought, This is the end.

So he laughed.This time, from the bottom of my heart.

……

Not many people know that after that person died, Alfred pooled the money to rent the apartment they had originally rented.He often passes the block where the apartment is located, but dare not open the door and look in.The man's original studio has never been moved again—the last few manuscripts drawn by the man before his death have been kept in the drawer of the desk. He was afraid that the drawing paper would be filled with obvious hatred for him, so he even opened the drawer. Never had the courage.

However, now is the time to face it.

……

January thirteenth.It was still night in New York, and Alfred woke up from the hospital bed.His throat was on fire, and his chest was hurting because the paramedics had broken his ribs during CPR.However, this was nothing—he removed the instrument wiring and venous needles one by one, found his belongings and documents on the low table beside him, and then limped and left the hospital step by step. .

Six hours later the LGM Staff would find out he was missing and try to call his cell phone.He was on a flight to the West Coast, bound for Los Angeles.

Nine hours later, the flight would land on time, and the moment he stepped out of the hatch, he would pull out the SIM card from his phone and throw it aside.

Eleven hours later, he would use the brass key he always carried with him to open the door of an old apartment.

Then he would go into the dusty studio.He will open that wooden drawer.He will see the drawing paper.He would crouch down and slowly cover his face. ...

"Sorry, I'm not a qualified lover."

"Everything that happened is my fault."

"But I am very happy. During the last period of my life, I was by your company."

"Please forgive me for not confessing at the end. I didn't say love to you."

——This sticky note is sandwiched in 27 portraits from different angles.Those drawing papers are all pencil sketches, but the protagonist is always the same person.

Alfred thought, it turned out that in those last speechless days, that person had been looking at him all the time.

Those rejected contacts, thinking about it now, might just be the subconscious protection of that person - he didn't want to let himself be infected, so that person tried hard, even violently, to push away his body.

That man couldn't be honest until he died, but it wasn't that he didn't love himself.

……

In early summer seven years ago, there was a black-haired boy sitting on the grass in the campus, drawing portraits stroke by stroke.

The portrait fundraiser is a charity event held by the art department of this school over the years.It is not uncommon to draw portraits like boys. However, when others draw with a few strokes, the boy meticulously uses a pencil to reflect the tiny details of the human face on the paper.

In this way, the speed naturally slowed down, and even the model showed an impatient expression.The boy was not blind, and he squinted his eyes to stare at the model.After finally finishing the drawing, the boy tore off the drawing paper and handed it to the model customer, but the customer threw down five dollars in front of him, raised the drawing paper into a ball, threw it aside without looking at it, and looked up. He walked away proudly with his chin down.

The boy's expression remained unchanged. After collecting the money, he took out the knife and slowly sharpened his seemingly unique pencil.

There was something indescribable in that silent back, which caused another tall boy to step forward involuntarily, picked up the lumped drawing paper, and handed it back to the boy.

The tall boy hesitated for a moment, then finally showed a shy smile and said, "I'll give it back to you."

The black-haired boy glanced up at him, but ignored his outstretched hand, put away the drawing board and stood up.The tall boy blurted out in desperation: "Can you draw a portrait for me too?"

Under the sun, the black-haired boy slowly turned around and looked the person in front of him up and down.

Then he laughed.There is some playfulness in the smile, but the eyes are full of warmth.

--"May I have your name?"

— "... Alfred. Alfred, Manson."

……

You are my first and last lover.

We didn't know love at first, so we all made mistakes.

Those mistakes made us part, miss out, but that's not a big deal.

Because I have always loved you.

The author has something to say:

...Sorry to keep you waiting.This is the story of Alfred's past.

Although I always knew what kind of story it was going to be, it was extremely difficult to write.

Hopefully it's still a story that feels hopeful.

Thank you for your continued support.In addition, I wish my dear Xiaoshui, who is late, a happy birthday on March [-]rd (it should be this day).

Two or three more chapters and the second part is over.I hope the ending of this part will not disappoint you.