like drinking ice

After staying for half a month, I think Zheng Ao's injury should be almost healed, but every time I ask him, he looks like a toxic attack, either it hurts here, or it feels uncomfortable there.I have nothing to do with him, it's hard to let him go.

Sometimes I made up my mind to talk about things with him, to talk about Ruirui's belonging and the problems between us, but Zheng Ao didn't seem to be very interested. : "Isn't it good to go on like this?"

I have to admit that there is some truth to what he said.It’s probably because I’ve been living so peacefully recently, and my own subconscious mind doesn’t bother to think about the matter between me and Zheng Ao, and the impact this matter will have on Ruirui—probably because Zheng Ao protected me last time. Because of him, Ruirui likes Zheng Ao very much now. Although his attitude is still very arrogant, he always circles around Zheng Ao.I don't want to force Ruirui to make a choice at this time. I have always been thinking about making Ruirui's childhood carefree in the past three years, instead of making him lack something like a child whose parents divorced.

Xiaoxin recently quit her job in the supermarket and was helping me open a store. I paid her a salary and invited her to have a meal at home.It is often said in the north that autumn fat should be put on. In late autumn, the meat in the market is good. Lawyer Shen went to Inner Mongolia and brought back very fresh beef and mutton. I divided the beef in half and made half of it into beef jerky for Ruirui. Wagyu beef is a snack, and the rest is fried with green peppers and garlic. There is no seafood in the small city. Both Ruirui and Zheng Ao like to eat shrimp. I bought prawns to peel the shrimp. It is very good for soup and stir-fries. Cut the lamb into thin slices. Clear soup hot pot, chrysanthemum chrysanthemum and fungus are served this season, each of which is selected and stacked on the plate with enoki mushrooms, ready for the hot pot.

Zheng Ao took Niu Niu and Rui Rui to play in the room, and Xiaoxin was helping me choose vegetables in the kitchen. I was peeling the shrimps. Zheng Ao ran over and pressed me on my body when I had no time: "Xiao Lang, Rui Rui wants to eat Beef jerky."

"It's in the refrigerator, but I can only eat two pieces, because I'm going to eat soon."

Zheng Ao agreed, went to the refrigerator to get beef jerky, took a piece in his mouth, and ran over to me when he went out to ask me: "Xiao Lang, I want soup."

“The clear soup hotpot has soup.”

He left with a smile on his face, and before he left, he touched my waist twice, seeing that I was about to get angry before letting go.

Xiaoxin waited for him to leave, frowned and asked, "Isn't his injury healed? Why are you still here?"

I glanced at her in surprise: "Didn't you always like him?"

"That was before, and I just thought his face was pretty." Xiaoxin was very upset: "He's a big man, with hands and feet, why doesn't he go out to make money, what is he doing at your house."

"He hasn't recovered yet." I said lightly.

"Does he look like he's not in good health? Obviously he can't bear hardships." The more Xiaoxin said, the more angry she became: "He doesn't think he looks good so he deliberately doesn't go out to work, does he? You are too unprincipled ?”

I poured the peeled shrimps together and stood up.

I know what Xiaoxin is angry about. Although she calls herself the Appearance Association, she is actually thinking about me as my friend. In the emotional outlook of girls her age, there is nothing like finding a jobless and unwilling to go out to work. Boyfriend is even scarier.

"Don't keep running away, do you want to be a bun?" Xiaoxin chased me and said.

"It's not what you think." I know I can't explain it. Do I have to tell her that Zheng Ao's clothing is equivalent to my store's income for a year? It has another purpose.

Probably my attitude annoyed Xiaoxin, she stood in front of me and refused to let me put the shrimp on the counter, and asked me directly: "Isn't he just eating soft food now, you..."

Her voice was cut off, and a cold look appeared on her face. I followed her gaze and turned around. Zheng Ao was standing at the door of the kitchen.

His expression was as calm as if he hadn't heard anything, even with a smile on his lips, he walked over and stuffed a piece of beef jerky into my mouth: "Hey, I just thought of giving you a piece of it too."

The meal was delicious, but unfortunately the atmosphere on the table was not very good. The children did not understand these things, especially Niu Niu, who immersed himself in eating three bowls of rice and happily showed us the bottom of the bowl, hoping that we would praise him.

After dinner, Xiaoxin went back to look at the store, and I was washing dishes in the kitchen.

Zheng Ao came in biting a piece of beef jerky, and also reached out to help me wash it.

"Don't worry about it," I told him, "my hands are already wet and I'll be done washing them soon."

He stopped.

I did two more dishes before I realized I should have sounded a little softer.

"That's not what I meant." I stacked the washed bowls and looked up at him: "Xiaoxin said that because she didn't know the situation, you don't have to take it seriously."

"It's okay." Zheng Ao's expression was very calm.

I'm still a bit worried, for any man, "eating soft food" is a great insult, no matter what he has to live this life for, he shouldn't be described as such.Leaving our grievances aside, in terms of career alone, he is definitely one of the best among his generation's peers.

"Really all right?" I asked him.

"It's okay," he replied with a smile, "I'm a fox. Foxes don't have as much self-esteem as lions and tigers. Foxes just need to get what they want. The life I want now is what I want."

But I know in my heart that it is not.

Even I often want to go back to do legal work, let alone him, when he worked overtime all night, he built his own team, such a big stall, even Li Zhurong admired it...

I always think, wait a little longer, wait until things are clearer, and when I have a decision in my heart, I will find a time to sit down with Zheng Ao and talk about everything clearly.

But I couldn't get that timing.

At the beginning of November, my father was seriously ill. Li Zhurong called me personally and told me to go back to Beijing.

I hastily entrusted the affairs here—in fact, I just made a few phone calls, and then I took Ruirui back. Li Zhurong has always done things vigorously, and within half an hour after hanging up the phone, the person who came to pick us up arrived the door.

Zheng Ao also boarded the plane, I was very anxious, and I really needed him to take care of Ruirui.

The most pitiful ones are Niuniu and Ruirui. Although there has always been a relationship of dislike and being disliked, it is still very painful for the little friends who grew up together to be separated. In a hurry, I only had time to tell Niu Niu to eat at Xiaoxin’s place when he was hungry. , Niu Niu's reaction has been relatively slow, the car drove and realized that we were leaving, and ran behind the car blankly, crying loudly, calling Rui Rui's name heartbreakingly, Xiao Xin dragged him back.

Rui Rui sat in the corner of the car with a gloomy face, and when he was about to board the plane, he suddenly told Zheng Ao: "I want to take Niu Niu to my house."

I was worried about the situation in Beijing at the time, and I didn't care about his tone as if he was talking about a pet. Zheng Ao was not a decent person, so he patted him on the shoulder to encourage him: "I really have an idea."

"Niu Niu's father likes Lin Yi, Lin Yi doesn't like Niu Niu, she said she won't be a stepmother." Ruirui didn't care how precociously she said: "Niu Niu's grandparents like Lin Yi's family is rich, they often say Niu Niu Not his father's son."

Zheng Ao has no moral values ​​at all, so he clapped his hands for Rui Rui.

Beijing is still the same, when we got off the plane, we caught up with the smog. The weather was gray, so I put on a mask for Ruirui. My dad was in a military hospital. The smog and haze in autumn and winter were always a problem for the elderly. The old cadres’ wards were equipped with a full set of masks. air purification system, my dad is lying on the bed and sleeping.

He had a lung problem. This time, a small cold caused pneumonia, and he became thin as a piece of paper. Li Zhurong stayed in the ward. I went in and stayed alone with my dad for a while. As soon as I came out of the ward, Zheng Ao followed me Said: "Uncle Li wants to take your dad to the south."

Although the Li family has a business in the south, Beijing is the political center. Li Zhurong means to retire.Li Xiu often scolds Zheng Ao for being lucky, and now it's his turn.

"Where's Li Xiu?" I suddenly remembered.

"Still in the northeast, rushing back." Zheng Ao smiled: "I heard he wants to fuck me?"

"Where did you hear the gossip?" I didn't take it seriously, but I felt that his playful smile really needed Li Xiu's attention.

Ruirui is still young, so he can't stay in the hospital for a long time. I'm also afraid that he won't be able to adapt to the climate here. Wearing a mask all the time is not a solution. I was thinking about where to take him. Zheng Ao said beside him: "It's time for dinner, Where are you going to eat?"

"I'll eat something casually in the hospital, and you take Ruirui to eat." I remember that Zheng's house is also close to here: "Leave Ruirui at your house, it's not good for children to stay in the hospital."

Zheng Ao smiled and rolled his eyes: "It's my first time in Beijing, how can I have a home?"

I was worried about my dad's illness, and he said something like this, I frowned: "Can you stop pretending?"

I was a little anxious, and I didn't notice if my words stabbed him.He still had a smile on his face, didn't speak anymore, and went to eat with Ruirui in his arms. I waited for him to leave before I realized that he didn't have any money with him.

An hour later, he came back with Ruirui in his arms.It's cold in Beijing, and it's about to snow. When I came, I only brought a few clothes for Ruirui. Ruirui was wearing a small padded jacket, and he was wearing a thin sweater. I don't know how he walked outside.My lips were a little white, and I smiled when I saw them: "It's freezing outside."

"Have you eaten yet?" I took Rui Rui over, and Rui Rui was probably not acclimatized and a little listless.

"I've eaten, take the roast duck with Ruirui." He touched Ruirui's head, his fingers were cold: "Is it delicious, Ruirui?"

Rui Rui shook his head, and he laughed.

"Where's the money?" I asked him.

He sat down on the chair with a very chic posture: "Scrub your face."

Since returning to Beijing, his attitude has been a bit strange. I didn't bother to think about him, thinking about whether to rent a house nearby. Ruirui is still young, so the hotel might not be clean, and the smog is a big problem.Seeing that Ruirui seems to be getting more and more spiritless, touching Ruirui's forehead always feels a little burning.Ruirui put his head into my arms and hugged my neck tightly. He only does this when he wants to cry.Zheng Ao reached out and patted Ruirui on the back.I asked Ruirui softly: "What's the matter, are you uncomfortable?"

Rui Rui didn't have much energy and didn't speak, just nodded.

"Is there a pediatrics department here?" I asked Zheng Ao.

He pointed to the door of the ward: "Go and find Uncle Li."

"What do you mean?" I asked him, "Give me the location, and I'll take Ruirui to register."

"Are you a military family member?"

I was silent for a moment, holding Ruirui in my arms and ready to go, he followed behind, reached out and grabbed my arm, I shook off his hand.This time he used his strength, dragged me back, put his arms around my shoulders, and pressed me against the wall.

"Let me go!" I hugged Ruirui, not struggling: "Zheng Ao, you want to catch me again, don't you!"

"I just want to ask you something..." He was a head taller than me, his shadow shrouded me in the light of the corridor, and his amber eyes stared directly into my heart.

"What! Do you want me to beg you?" I sneered: "Don't think that there is only one hospital in Beijing, and there are many pediatricians out there. Let me tell you, when my dad gets better, I will take Ruirui back to the south... ..."

"That was not what I meant."

"Then what do you mean?" I ignored the guard at the end of the corridor who was looking this way, and asked him coldly: "Do you think I didn't find out! Ever since you arrived in Beijing, your whole attitude is not right!"

Zheng Ao looked at me silently, his eyes seemed to be sighing.

He said, "Xiao Lang, the person who is not right when he arrives in Beijing is actually you."

For a moment, the blood in my body seemed to cool down.The lights in the corridor seemed to have faded, I seemed to wake up from a big dream, the anger that was originally full of me receded like a tide, I lowered my head, and saw Ruirui's worried eyes.Ruirui's amber eyes are so clear, I seem to see myself in them - a man full of hostility.

What Zheng Ao said is right, the one who is wrong is indeed me.His attitude, his jokes, and his "perspective of ordinary people" have not changed from City C to now, but I have changed.I am so sensitive and irritable, when he smiles, I feel that he is mocking, and when he speaks, I feel that there must be some conspiracy. He just grabbed my arm, and I didn’t punch him because I was holding Ruirui , because I decided that he was going to come hard.I thought I let go of everything in three years, but I didn't let go, I just forgot, as long as I go back to Beijing, I will remember everything.

I couldn't help shaking, because I felt cold from the bottom of my heart, I thought I was free, I had a new life, I could face Zheng Ao peacefully and make choices, but found that I had never been free.

I am still his prisoner.

Zheng Ao reached out and hugged me, together with Ruirui.

"Don't be like this, Xiao Lang," he patted me on the back lightly, his voice seemed to be very sad, he said: "Xiao Lang, your expression now makes me want to kill myself."

His embrace is very warm, his voice is very gentle, like a long-term dream, he seems to be the ordinary person he promised, he learned how to love someone, he said he loves me.

But I pushed him away.

I hugged Ruirui and leaned against the wall. Although it was a little difficult, I still tried my best to look at him calmly.

I asked him, "What is the question you said you wanted to ask?"

The expression on Zheng Ao's face was a bit disappointed, it's really strange, I still remember his appearance when I was in this city, he was full of vigor, the proud son of heaven, why it seems that I had a dream that lasted for three years, and when he woke up he was like It became like this.

But he is Zheng Ao after all, there is nothing in this world that he cannot say.

"I know you want to put Ruirui in Zheng's house, and I want to too. Zheng's house has a doctor, a cook, and the air is much better." He looked into my eyes and said, "But I want to ask you, if this means Seeing me sit back to my original position, is it equivalent to falling short of success?"

"What fell short?" I asked him calmly.

Zheng Ao smiled helplessly.

"What happened these days, what happened in City C." He asked me, "Did it touch you a little bit? Even a little bit is fine."

I also want to ask myself this question.

It's a pity that I don't necessarily have the answer myself. Just like just now, if I don't return to Beijing and you don't wake me up, how would I know that I still have so much hostility in me, towards this city and towards you.

"Zheng Ao, if you want to hear the truth, I will tell you the truth." I told him: "You have been trying to make me forgive you these days. You have used many methods and received a lot of advice. But some people in this world There is no answer to this matter. If there is a shortcut that can make me treat you completely calmly, I will be the happiest person. I don’t want to be a person with psychological shadows. The world is so good, I I also wish I could live with an open heart.”

Zheng Ao pursed his lips tightly.

"I understand."

"It's good that you understand."

I handed Ruirui to him. Ruirui didn't know if he understood our conversation. He hugged my neck and refused to let go. Tears were about to come out, but because he was not energetic, he didn't cry very loudly: "Dad, don't put I'll give it to Zheng Ao, I want Dad!"

"Father didn't give you to him," I comforted Ruirui softly: "This is a hospital, not suitable for children, Ruirui and Zheng Ao go to his house to play first, okay?"

Rui Rui cried tears all over her face: "I want Dad to go with me."

"Dad wants to stay here to guard grandpa, grandpa is sick." I patiently reasoned with him.

"But isn't grandpa guarded by a foreigner?" Ruirui cried like this and was still very smart, but Li Zhurong was of mixed blood, so Ruirui regarded him as a foreigner.

I sighed helplessly, Zheng Ao also joined in to coax, Rui Rui cried for a long time, after all, he was not in a good spirit, and his stamina was weak, and he became a little wilted while crying, Zheng Ao took the opportunity to take the hand, and used I made a call on my cell phone and told his subordinates to drive over to pick them up.

Ruirui huddled in Zheng Ao's arms, still stretched out a hand to grab my clothes, when Zheng Yan arrived, Zheng Ao pulled his hand away, and he cried softly again, looking at me with infinite grievances.

I told Zheng Ao softly: "He will find a way to run away when he is mentally healthy, find two people with good brains to watch him, not Zheng Yan."

My dad didn't wake up until the afternoon, said a few words to me, and fell asleep again. I was waiting outside the ward. Sitting in the hallway, dozing off a bit.

When I woke up, Zheng Ao was sitting next to me, I was covered with a thick woolen blanket, and my head rested on his shoulder.

He changed back to the appearance when he came to C City to look for me. He was wearing a black woolen coat and a dark blue shirt. He had probably taken a bath, and he smelled like trees. I haven’t seen him use this before. Perfume, all the hair that had grown long in City C was combed up. The Zheng family combed this kind of hair that looks like a big back is very special, because the facial features are delicate and the chin is sharp.He was looking down at the papers.

I pretended not to wake up and leaned against him for a while.

I know that there will not be many moments of quiet leaning like this in the future.When he was in City C, he touched my head, slept on my bed, made fun of me, and called me Xiao Lang. I didn't think it was a problem, but why did he change all of a sudden when he arrived in this city?

I can't help but think of our past, and remember that he is Zheng Ao, the head of the Zheng family, the son of a daughter.I can't help thinking that if he didn't face the threat of losing me, then he would prefer to live a different life. The person he would like to sleep with, the person he thinks looks good, will make him want to move around in places like the bathroom People, not me.

He likes me very much, he can't live without me, he tries so hard to trap me, he can even abandon those people without hesitation, including his favorite Ning Yue.He is even willing to give up everything he has for me, to be an ordinary person who has to run around for a living, I know, I know.

But this is not love.

Love is without thinking, love is desperate, love is instinctively wanting to get close, and every minute and every second is regarded as a treasure.Instead of realizing it after losing it, and then deciding to sacrifice everything to get this person back.That is trade-off, it is comparison, it is enlightenment, but it is not love.

So I don't want to.

Even if he is riddled with holes, even if he can let go of his principles for me, even if he asks me how to make up for it in such a low profile, even if he has crossed thousands of mountains and rivers, even if he is "asleep" when I, He tilted his head and kissed my forehead, then continued to read the document.It was snowing heavily outside, and the whole city was asleep in the middle of the night.

But I don't want such "love".

"Are you awake?" he asked me softly, pulling up the slipped blanket.

"How is Rui Rui?" I looked up and asked him.

"The doctor said it was a cold, and it will be fine after taking the medicine. I have been crying to find you. When I left, I was tired from crying and fell asleep." He stretched out his hand and tried my cheek: "Go back to sleep, here I'm going to catch a cold."

I looked at his mobile phone, the screen was on, but there was no sound, probably because he was afraid of disturbing my sleep.

"Someone called you."

He hung up.

"Irrelevant phone call." He explained in a low voice: "I just came back, and many people are looking for me."

The screen came on again.

I seem to have this phone number ending in 9696 in my memory.

"Ning Yue's phone number?"

"Ah."

He turned off his cell phone, and seemed to be watching my expression, and a smart person was worried so unobtrusively.

I threw back the blanket and stood up.

"Let's go back."

Zheng Ao seemed to be taken aback for a moment, and then stood up quickly. After so many years, he still smiled as before, dazzling as if the whole world was lit up.

I glanced at the chair: "Blanket."

He quickly picked up the blanket, and walked towards the elevator with me, holding the file, cell phone and blanket in one hand, and seemed to be evaluating whether he should wrap his arms around my shoulder with the other hand.He lifted it up and put it down again, he probably thought that I agreed to go with him because I fell asleep, so he was afraid of waking me up.

I reached out and touched his wrist, holding his hand.He froze for a moment, and then held my hand tightly with a grappling motion before I could repent.Call me happily: "Xiao Lang!"

My face was a little hot and I ignored him.

Zheng Ao told me that I am not confident, so I feel that I am not from the same world as him, and I never thought of being with him.Professor Lin said, anyway, I like him, if I don't play for nothing, I don't want to play, just try to play.Rui Rui is most afraid that I will be separated from him, so recently he has been very obedient and dare not make us angry, and has never bullied Niu Niu again.

But I thought to myself, I should give it a try.

It doesn't matter if you are not from the same world, if you have so many grievances and grievances in the past, or if the future is still confusing...

If you are a man, if you like someone, you should try harder.Even if he doesn't love me temporarily, but since he is willing to apologize for the past, since he tried so hard to make me trust him, and since he thought I was so sad after I died, why should I push him out of the door?

Yes, he doesn't like me, but he doesn't like Ningyue that much, nor Shakira that much, so why should I give him up to those people?

Even if a little girl in high school knows that she likes her, she has to go after him bravely, even if she takes an hour's bus ride across the city to come and see him, then what can I afford to lose?Even if you lose, just be happy.It's better than when I get old and think back, I never took the initiative to fight for it, so I can only sigh.

I want [-]%, I want total love.But love will not fall out of thin air, I know that I am not the protagonist, and I don't have such good luck, so I have to fight, grab, and get that [-]%.

I don't want to live in the shadows all my life, whether it's family or love.I know I got off to a bad start and have almost nothing, but there is only one game of chess in life, and it depends on whether I can play or not. I have to work hard on my own, or I will have nothing for the rest of my life.

At least the game is not over yet.

Who knows who wins or loses?