first love again

Chapter 41

The next day, Xu Miao woke up very early. Seeing that her grandmother was still sleeping, she went out to buy breakfast, put it on the dining table, and then went upstairs to take a shower.

Grandma woke up not long after, and Xu Miao had breakfast with her. Seeing that she was in a better state of mind, she felt relieved.

It's almost March, the temperature is still very low, the sky is gloomy, with cold wind blowing, like a fierce and lonely old man, wantonly venting his unhappiness.

Xu Miao was riding a bicycle, feeling that the wind was strong enough to sweep him and his car away, fearing that he would be caught under the car, so he had to stop the car and walk slowly to the Internet cafe.

He can't drive, and he can't even ride an electric scooter. When he was 14 years old, his father taught him to ride an electric bike, but he fell badly when going downhill because he couldn't balance well, and the electric bike broke down and needed to be repaired.

At that time, he was scolded miserably by his father, and he never dared to touch electric cars again.

After more than 20 minutes, Xu Miao finally arrived at the Internet cafe.

Ye Na was cleaning the cash register, and when she saw him coming, she raised a smile and said, "Morning, Sanshui."

Xu Miao touched her icy face and said softly, "Morning."

"What's the matter?" Ye Na keenly noticed the abnormality in his tone, and asked with a smile, "Why do you feel so depressed?"

Xu Miao: "Ah."

He avoided his eyes and twitched the corner of his mouth silently, "No."

Xu Miao went back to the lounge and sat on the chair in a daze for a while.

Although he and Jiang Yifan reconciled, this question still stuck in his heart. The more he thought about it, the more he felt that the atmosphere between Ye Na and Jiang Yifan was weird, so much so... that he felt uncomfortable when he saw Ye Na.

Xu Miao stood up and couldn't think about it anymore.

He walked to the cash register and stood straight in front of Ye Na, serious and serious: "Brother Ye, can I ask you a question?"

Ye Na was stunned for a moment, then quickly realized, and said, "What's the problem? Ask."

Xu Miao: "Are you and Jiang Yifan hiding something from me?"

As soon as the words fell, the expression on Ye Na's face changed suddenly. Although she quickly adjusted her expression, it all fell into Xu Miao's eyes.

"What can I have with him?" Ye Na looked indifferent again, "He has been abroad before, and I have never met him."

Xu Miao slightly narrowed his eyes, he was silent for a long time, without saying anything, he turned and left the Internet cafe.

Ye Na hurriedly called him to stop, "Hey, Sanshui——"

Without looking back, Xu Miao said, "I'll go find Jiang Yifan."

There are too many secrets and problems between him and Jiang Yifan, but he avoids talking about them ignorantly, because he dare not guess the consequences of his heart being exposed to the sun.

It was too difficult for Xu Miao to tear open his own wounds and let the other party see his ugly and humble world.

but--

Ever since he met Jiang Yifan again, his heart was ready to be smashed to pieces.

Xu Miao went to the apartment by car. He had Jiang Yifan's class schedule and knew that he had no class this morning.

Along the way, his whole body was tense and his breathing became heavy.

The taxi driver noticed his strangeness, glanced at the rearview mirror several times, and couldn't help asking, "Young man, are you feeling unwell?"

Xu Miao shook his head, but said nothing, his palms were sweaty and unbearably sticky.

I don't know how long it took, and finally arrived at the door of the apartment.

The fare was 22 yuan, the driver looked at him again and said, "Just give 20 yuan."

Xu Miao pursed her lips and paid: "Thank you."

Jiang Yifan was immersed in researching information in the study, but the door was unlocked, Xu Miao knocked on the door, "Jiang Yifan, let's chat."

"Why are you here?" Jiang Yifan was a little surprised. Seeing that his expression was too serious, he realized something. He put down the thick books, got up and walked over, "Go to the living room."

Xu Miao sat on the sofa, was silent for a moment, and finally said, "Last time you asked me why I broke up, but I didn't tell you... Do you still want to know the reason?"

A flash of astonishment flashed in Jiang Yifan's eyes, he didn't expect Xu Miao to come to talk about this matter.

Xu Miao didn't want to talk about it last time, so he didn't ask about it again, not wanting to embarrass the other party, but he really wanted to know the reason for the breakup.

Jiang Yifan looked at him: "Yes."

Meeting his gaze, Xu Miao became a little at a loss for a moment. He had finished drafting in the car, but facing Jiang Yifan, those drafts were all messed up, and only a few important words were caught.

He licked his lips, braced himself, but his voice was extremely difficult: "That...the reason for breaking up is because—" He clenched his molars tightly, tearing the wound bit by bit, and took his soul with both hands. delivered before his eyes.

"I'm not good enough for you... I'm too bad, you are so good, and the people around you are also excellent, and I... just a high school student with a lot of gambling debts, our concepts and cognitions are too different. There are so many people chasing you, both men and women, I am very jealous of them, they are well-off, educated and can do everything, everyone is a good match with you, you go to participate in the competition, I watched from the audience, what? I don’t even understand, I just think you are too dazzling. I’m really afraid that you will despise me, we are not in the same world at all—”

At that time, they were studying in bright classrooms, while he was selling door-to-door. When he was scolded by customers, he could only smile and apologize. In order not to be deducted from wages, he trampled on his self-esteem.

They went to participate in the competition, he asked for leave on purpose, just stared blankly in the audience, couldn't understand a word, only noticed that Jiang Yifan and the girl named Tian Xinya who had a crush on him cooperated naturally and intimately, the classmate next to him said They are golden boys and jade girls.

Xu Miao clenched his fists tightly, not daring to meet Jiang Yifan's eyes at all. He lowered his eyes, and his voice was much softer, showing frustration and powerlessness: "I hope they will stay away from you, I am possessive It’s too strong, I wish I could keep you locked by my side all the time, don’t be discovered by others, I can’t let anyone like you, I hope you...be my property, your eyes can only look at me, you can only be with me say."

Jiang Yifan never thought that Xu Miao would think so in his heart, and he didn't understand Xu Miao's unknown side.

He always thought that Xu Miao was confident and cheerful, and in his mind, Xu Miao would always be smiling.

Jiang Yifan sank his eyes, his thoughts were extremely complicated, but seeing Xu Miao immersed in his own world, he thought for a while and continued to listen to him in silence.

"I'm becoming more and more uncertain. You like me only because I was the only one around you in high school. After you went to college, you found so many excellent and interesting people. Will you gradually dislike me, and you have nothing in common with me. I was very insecure at that time, and I thought of some ways to test you. I agreed to have dinner with Yi Sizhe, and I also wanted to know your reaction. Although you were jealous, but... I don't like the cold war, it hurts too much. Yes, but I’m also trying to die, and I’m all to blame.”

"I really have low self-esteem, and I am afraid of being discovered by others. No one likes people with low self-esteem, but there are many people like me." Xu Miao squeezed out a smile, which was a little self-deprecating, "Besides low self-esteem, I am still a Pervert, don’t you know? I have a habit of collecting things. I have filled two boxes with items about you. I keep the notes you wrote, the tissues you gave me, and even one of your eyelashes. , after breaking up, I took it out from time to time to look at it, and masturbated by looking at your photo, it’s impossible not to look at you after a long time..."

"You don't know, I often go online to human | meat your information, I really want to know how you are doing, I found the accounts of your foreign students, I went over the wall to watch their dynamics, trying to find yours Figure, I will print out the photos when I see them, and I pretended to be a fan of your classmates, chatted with them with an English translator, and tried every means to ask for your news, but they all only said one or two sentences, what are you doing well? I know all about working hard and so on, and asking is the same as asking in vain.”

The palms were sweating more and more, Xu Miao quietly wiped them on the back of her hands, lowered her eyes, and continued, "I never thought that I would get back together with you, but when you stood in front of me again and wrote me a love letter, I will Immediately... My heart softened, I thought about trying again, I can work hard to get better... I signed up for night school, and it will start in two days, I won't give up on myself this time—"

Xu Miao paused for a long time, and didn't know what to say, he finally raised his eyes and mustered up the courage to meet Shang Jiang Yifan's gaze, "Now that you know my unbearable side, if you think it's acceptable, can you give me a hug? "

He looked at Jiang Yifan, his palms began to sweat again, his beautiful eyes were full of anticipation and nervousness without any concealment.

I'm a monster with teeth and claws

I have the softest belly

you touch me

I'll just roll over.