throbbing for you

"Why do you think so?" Shi Yi's voice became softer.She put down the pen and paper, turned sideways and hugged Fu Sitian, her eyes were warmer than the sun.

Fu Sitian watched her, with a trembling and hesitant heart, swaying and struggling more and more in her eyes.

She heard the sound of the chain shaking violently, and heard the little monster that had been on the verge of death trembling against the door in that door of heart that had never seen the sun and never dared to open to anyone. The voice that wants Shi Yi to hug it too.

She couldn't refuse.Also reluctant to refuse.

She didn't know, if even Shi Yi wasn't willing to accept it, who else could accept it in this world.

She trembled her lower lip, propped her hands on the ground, and sat down slowly, leaning on Shi Yi's shoulder.

Shi Yi hugged her silently without urging her.

After a long time, Fu Sitian looked at Fu Jianze's tombstone, his throat moved, and finally mustered up the courage to confide in his heart: "Shi Yi, when he was around, I didn't treat him well at all."

Shi Yi held her hand tightly and listened quietly.

Fu Sitian said calmly: "All the nightmares in my life started from him, and I have no way to forgive him."

"Being under the same roof for four months, I didn't give him a good look, and I didn't even say a few words to him."

"When he was just released from prison, I even..." Fu Sitian clenched his five fingers unconsciously, "I thought viciously why he still came out, why he couldn't let me go, and couldn't just disappear in my world forever like that ..."

Shi Yi caressed her five fingers distressedly, trying to relax her strength, but Fu Sitian clenched her fingers tighter and tighter.Her tone was still restrained, but her voice gradually became astringent: "All the bad tempers in life, I can hardly help it to him."

"I don't think he deserves my kindness, he doesn't deserve it." If flesh removal and bloodletting can wash away the dirty genes in her body and make her a clean self, she is willing.

But she doesn't deserve it either.She has to live.

"I remember one time very well," she said: "I was mean to him, 'If you don't come out, this whole street is safe'."

At that time, for Fu Siyu's prosthetic limbs, for the source of clients and performance, she went out early and returned late every day, running around, and when she was socializing, she drank like water.

One night, after another dinner party, she was half dead, and came back by the latest bus. When she got off the bus stop, she turned her head and saw the slightly crooked figure of Fu Jianze standing at the end of the road not far away, looking at him eagerly. The platform here.

As soon as he saw her, he trotted over.

Fu Sitian's temples twitched, his mind flustered, thinking that something had happened to Xiaoyu, he endured the pain in his gallbladder and quickly walked towards him.

"What are you doing?" She frowned and asked urgently.

Fu Jianze stopped immediately.He seemed a little embarrassed and at a loss, but quickly suppressed it, with a gentle smile on his thin face, and explained: "I'll come out to pick you up."

"I was standing by the window just now, and found that the streetlight seems to be broken tonight, and the whole one inside is not lit. I'm afraid it's not safe for you to come back."

Fu Sitian followed his words and looked behind him, the road leading to the building where they lived was really dark, without a single light on.

The middle-aged man who rode an electric car with his children going to study in the evening whized past them, leaving inaudible sporadic laughter.

Fu Sitian suddenly remembered that many years ago, when she and Chen Xizhu were working part-time together, on the way home from get off work, there was often a section of the road without street lights.

At that time, she was really scared and really helpless.

But bit the bullet, she also rode over.From childhood to adulthood, how many roads like this has she traveled?He's only now starting to worry about whether it's going to be too ridiculous.

She suddenly felt that her throat was severely blocked, her heart was as hard as a stone, and her chest was filled with indistinguishable emotions.She opened her mouth and mocked him coldly: "If you don't come out, the whole street will be safe."

In an instant, she saw that the blood on his face had faded, he was muttering, but he couldn't say a word, he looked very pitiful.

Her lower right abdomen hurt even more, and her whole body was trembling unbearably.But she persevered, standing upright, step by step, passing him, and walked into the darkness indifferently.

After a long time, he came back with him, as if nothing had happened, knocked on the door as usual, boiled hot water for her, made sober tea for her, and helped her wash off her dirty clothes and socks.

"I don't know what he was thinking when he was standing outside. I thought that after that time, he knew he would give up and wouldn't bother me anymore. But the second day, the third day...every day the street lights were not repaired. One day, he was still standing at that intersection waiting for me, walking behind me like a tail."

"He tried to strike up a conversation with me and I ignored him."

"It was only later that I found out that at that time, he was already very ill. He was in pain and uncomfortable every day, but he dared not tell me every day."

Her voice was so astringent that she became hoarse, she took a deep breath, and asked Shi Yi: "Shi Yi, am I too bad, too undeserving..."

Shi Yi felt a dull pain in her heart following her inhalation. She rubbed her forehead against her side face and comforted her: "No, come on. You don't know either. It's not your fault, it's not your fault. "

But Fu Sitian showed a wry smile that was more uncomfortable than crying, and said, "Blame me."

"Uncle, it's my fault." There was a subdued cry in her voice: "He asked me, 'You live with him every day, why didn't you find out earlier', I don't know how to answer him. His The ascites has swelled up, I don’t know, or my aunt met him in the vegetable market by chance and found out that something was wrong.”

"But it's too late, and the operation is meaningless. He said that the family's situation is not good, so don't waste money. He refused to stay in the hospital for a day, and went home by himself."

"Discovered in August, in October, he left."

"The day he left, we all had a premonition in our hearts that it would be almost time, but no one expected that it would really be the last day. The night before, because he didn't want to wake me up, he stood up by himself Once. At that time, his stomach was already swollen to his chest, and he couldn’t eat anything for a long time except for a little liquid food. But that day, he suddenly said that his mouth was burning badly, and he wanted to eat popsicles. My uncle called me , let me bring a popsicle back when I get off work."

"I bought it at the convenience store downstairs. It's a bean paste popsicle." Her eyes were sore and swollen, and she looked up, almost unable to hold back her tears. Eat, stuck in the throat', he said, he wanted to eat the little fruit-flavored popsicle I bought him the day he just got out of prison. He said it was delicious, it was the best flavor he had ever eaten."

"I couldn't express how I felt for a while. I didn't buy that popsicle for him at all. My uncle refused to eat it and said he would keep it for him. I didn't say anything, turned around, and went downstairs to buy it. .”

"That was the first time I wanted to fulfill his wish in those few months."

But the weather in October is already cold, and the convenience stores are almost no longer stocked. In the refrigerator, there are only a few unsalable varieties that are left over in the summer.There is no one he wants to eat.

"I searched from store to store, from the street to the end of the street, but I couldn't buy what he wanted to eat. I drove a shared bicycle, rode a few streets, and finally found it in a small shop. I found it. I paid the money and was about to ride back when my uncle called me and asked me where I had been and told me to go back quickly, saying that he was vomiting blood and might be dying soon.”

At that moment, her hands and feet were cold, as if even her blood had been frozen by the ice in her hands.

She couldn't recall how she rode back.She felt that she had exhausted all her strength and used the fastest speed.

"But it was still too slow. When I went back, he was gone."

Fu Sitian's tears fell, and he said: "He has his eyes open...he will never die."

"My uncle said with red eyes that he had been watching the door and wanted to wait for me. He asked me to call him and let him go away with peace of mind."

"But I'm holding a popsicle, so I can't yell."

"My uncle blamed me and begged me, but I still couldn't yell. I saw that he closed his eyes, and tears flowed down the corners of his closed eyes."

"I finally called out Dad, but he couldn't hear me anymore."

"He can't hear..."

"Shi Yi." Her voice trembled, and the pain pierced her heart, making her unable to speak.She wanted to curl herself up and hide in a dark corner.

But Shi Yi hugged her tightly, not allowing her to escape, not allowing her to hide.

Hearing the same heavy breathing in her ears, she finally relaxed her limbs slowly, and tried to let go of herself again.

She continued her confession in a choked voice: "It's been so long since he was released from prison, and I haven't even called him a father..."

"I think I have reasons not to forgive him, but after he's gone, I can't forgive myself gradually."

"When I come home drunk, I often think of the cup of hangover tea he made for me, and when I walk through a dark intersection, I think of his figure waiting every day, cooking porridge, hot dishes, doing laundry and mopping the floor. Sometimes, when I think of his appearance of busy pleasing and making fun of himself day after day, I will see him again and again in my dreams. He is on the sick bed, watching me, looking forward to Ai Ai all the time, hoping that I can call him 'Daddy' , but in an instant, he was pushed into the furnace and turned into a small box."

"I don't know, is it his regret or mine. Is it his fault or mine." Her face was covered with tears, and her thin shoulders were pressed against Shi Yi's body like a bayonet It stuck in Shi Yi's heart.

Shi Yi's throat was also choked and astringent.She turned sideways, put one hand on Fu Sitian's shoulder, wiped away the tears on her face with the other, stared at her, and said softly, "It's not your fault, come here."

She said: "You have done better than most of us, and any one of us may not be able to do better than you."

Fu Sitian's eyes trembled, and he bit his lower lip tightly, as if he was suspicious or wronged, so he let out a sob.In these years, she has been trapped in a collapsing world and a chaotic outlook on life. No one can complain, let alone affirm her.She didn't know what kind of person she was after doing so many wrong things, and whether she was worthy of being forgiven.She lowered her head, full of uncertainty, and asked with a trembling voice: "Really?"

Shi Yi's heart was about to break.

She took her face in her hands, forced her to look at her, and said into her eyes, "Really. No one blamed you. Uncle didn't blame you."

Fu Sitian's eyes became even more watery.She didn't blink, but the big tears rolled down by themselves.She said: "Uncle scolded me, saying I have no heart."

Shi Yi was a little annoyed at Fu Jiantao, and coaxed: "That's what he said out of anger."

Fu Sitian's eyes were dark: "Maybe it's the truth."

She said: "I knew my dad had changed, and time was running out, so I refused to give him another chance."

Shi Yi said: "It's not your fault. Come on, not all 'I'm sorry' can get a 'it's okay'. Not all repentance can be forgiven. Once the hurt happened, it happened. , why should it be written off. Besides, didn't you forgive him in the end. "

Fu Sitian's jaw trembled violently.She stared blankly at Shi Yi, hesitating, full of longing, forbearance to the extreme, and then opened her heart with a breath, and asked that sentence: "Even if... I am cold and selfish, after hearing him say that I want to Is it okay to breathe a sigh of relief when you give up the treatment?"

At that time, her burden was too heavy, she was really, too tired.

Shi Yi couldn't see her like this, his eye circles were red, and he kept rubbing her chin and lower lip, asking her to let him go.

She said: "It's okay, come and come, it's okay. It's all human." She kissed her tears like a treasure and told her: "We are all ordinary people, with ordinary people's seven emotions and six desires, love, hate and hatred. What does it matter if you are not so tolerant and perfect? ​​Why should you use the standards of a saint to demand yourself?"

"Come on, forgiving others and forgiving yourself are both homework. The former, I have never seen anyone do it better than you, and the latter," she stroked her face, and there were tears in her always deserted eyes , Said: "I will work hard with you, okay?"

Fu Sitian saw that she clearly reflected herself in her eyes—the small, embarrassed, lonely, always like a trapped animal, the complete and real self.

In this world, there is really a person who can accept her completely, like a jewel like a jewel, who will always be on her side.

She finally couldn't bear it anymore, threw herself into her arms, and buried her around her neck. For the first time in more than 20 years, like a child, she put down all her defenses and disguises in front of people, and cried wantonly, like I want to cry all the grievances, helplessness and confusion over the years.

Shi Yi hugged her, closed his eyes, tears and Fu Sitian's tears flowed into his heart.

The wind is blowing, the clouds are floating, and the newly painted "Fu Jianze" on the tombstone shines in the sun.

Shi Yi said: "Come on, your father must have heard."

"He loves you very much and will never hate you. Only when you get better and happy, will he really have no regrets."

The leaves rustled in the wind, as if in response.Shi Yi asked: "Did you hear that?"

Fu Sitian was on her body, sobbing, and after a long time, he replied softly: "I heard it."

Shi Yi rubbed the back of her head, his eyes were full of love, like coaxing a lover or a child.

The sun melts their shadows together without distinguishing each other.

No more barriers.