exactly

In a certain cemetery in the suburbs, both sides of the path are full of vigorous pines and cypresses. These cypresses are evergreen all year round, lush and lush, and each tree reaches the sky. It is still early before Qingming, and the weather is not good. The wind was blowing, and the huge park was empty.

Xi Ling wrapped herself tightly, carried a schoolbag on her shoulders, held a bouquet of white chrysanthemums in one hand, and a bottle of shochu in the other, and slowly climbed up the ten-story-high steps to find her father's cemetery.

At that time, my father died unexpectedly, and almost all the remaining savings of the family were mortgaged to the bank. The money for the cemetery was paid by Zeng Mo. During his lifetime, my father was very particular about the taste of life. As long as the economy allows, he must use the best Yes, therefore, my sister was unwilling to wrong my father in choosing a cemetery, so she gritted her teeth and bought this land in the most expensive park on the outskirts of the city. In recent years, Xi Ling's income has gradually increased. Zeng Mo returned the money he paid.

He squatted down in front of the tombstone carved from pitch-black granite, took out a paper towel to wipe off the dust that fell on the tombstone, then put the white chrysanthemum in his hand on the steps in front of the tombstone, and took out the sandalwood he bought outside the door. After burning the incense, he stood respectfully in front of the tombstone, raised the three sandalwood sticks above his head, and bowed deeply three times.

He inserted the smoky sandalwood into a container filled with soil, took out two empty wine glasses from his bag, picked up the soju he brought with him, filled the two glasses respectively, and then sat cross-legged By the tombstone.

"Father." He raised a cup and said the first words he came here, "I'm sorry, I couldn't come to see you on your death day last year. I, I have my own difficulties...I'm sorry..."

Xi Ling pursed the corners of her lips, and continued, "I'll punish myself with a cup first, as an apology to you."

After speaking, he raised his head and drank it.

The pungent taste slid down his throat, and Xi Ling couldn't help frowning. After the force passed, he refilled himself with wine, cleared his throat, and said, "Father, you were so busy when you were alive, you were almost never here. When I eat at home, I seldom accompany me and my sister to eat, and you don’t allow me to drink, so our father and son have never sat together and had a good drink. Today, I will accompany you to make up for this regret, Dad , do you think it's okay?"

He spilled the wine from the other glass on the tombstone, then drank his own.

He filled the two cups with shochu again, and said slowly: "I know, you have always been angry with me, you blame me for being capricious, and never listen to you, what do you ask me to do, I insist on doing it against you, since childhood... since childhood I won’t let you worry. When I was young, I was innocent and always loved to bring strangers home. When you finally raised me, you insisted on learning archeology. I was sent to the UK because I wanted to receive an education abroad so that I could come back with the skills to run a business so that I could manage the company for you. In the end, I let you down. Seeing that I am not born to study science, you have no choice but to retreat. Secondly, I chose a legal major for me, focusing on business law, so that even though I don't know how to do business, I won't be able to sit on the chairman's position in the future, and I won't know when I will be cheated for nothing..." Xi Ling After a slight pause, he continued, "But why did you just leave?

"According to what you said, I have already obtained my lawyer qualification certificate, and I have started this job down-to-earth, but why don't you wait for me?

"I have never cared about your company. I don't want to be the chairman. I just want to...see you a few more times, even if you wait for me for a few days, and when I come back, let me see you for the last time. ..."

Xi Ling took a deep breath, raised his head and drank the wine in the glass.

"Actually, I came today to say I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Dad, I, I made you angry again..." Xi Ling lowered her head, and lightly stroked the gold-plated characters between her fingers, from her father's words. Slowly slide over the name.

"Yes, it's still him, it's still him, it has never changed." Xi Ling said in a low voice.

"How can it change?" He raised his head and looked at the dark sky filled with dark clouds, "It was he who made me realize what it means to never forget."

"This feeling is quite strange." He sneered, his eyes still looking forward blankly, as if through the lush green pines and cypresses not far away, he could see the man sitting on the bench under the warm sunshine many years ago. On, a man who shines brightly.

"When I saw him for the first time, I wasn't very touched." He murmured to himself, frowning and took a sip of wine, "But that night, I couldn't sleep, and, and I... "He didn't go on, but laughed awkwardly a few times.

"When I woke up the next morning, I secretly washed my pants behind my sister's back. It's ridiculous, isn't it? The classmates around me were all in high school when they first discovered this, or even precocious. I already had it in elementary school, but I didn't until I was so old... You are always not at home, and I dare not tell my sister, besides, she doesn't care about men, so what can she understand?

"However, I asked Brother Mo secretly, and Brother Mo reassured me not to worry. This is a normal phenomenon. Some people would be earlier and some people would be later. As he was talking, he suddenly laughed very hard. Weird, quietly asked me if I fell in love with someone.

"I was at a loss for words at the moment, growing up, I never knew what it was like to like, so I asked him if he had to fall in love with someone before this kind of thing happened.

"Mer Ge said, it's not exactly like this, but for boys in puberty, this possibility is the greatest, and then he asked me if I had any significant changes in my mood recently.

"I didn't tell him, but I knew in my heart that there was a change.

"When Brother Mo asked me if I was looking for someone, Dad, do you know what flashed in my mind at that time?

"That bench, that man in a white shirt, that expression of looking down on all beings, that image, I will never be able to erase it in my life.

"Since that day, I have been in a very low mood, and I have no interest in doing anything. I even always want to find a reason to go back to that park and back to that bench.

"But I can't.

"A few days later, I saw him again at a party and even brought him home to pretend to be my boyfriend to cheat on you.

"But at the time he had a girlfriend.

"I couldn't tell him what I really thought in my heart, so I kept this hidden for so many years."

Xi Ling drank the remaining half glass of wine, the cold wind blew his bangs a little messy, the cypress beside him made a rustling sound in the wind, several glasses of shochu made him feel hot all over his body, It doesn't feel cold in this vast group of cemeteries, but the naked|exposed face is still cold, Xi Ling wiped his face with the back of his hand, and when he put it down, a few drops of water fell on the back of his hand.

"Father, in fact, I didn't want to leave him for a moment, really." He whispered and poured himself another glass of wine.

"Maybe I'm too sensible. I understand that love and reality are always separated. After so many years, I have long been used to living alone. Love is too tiring. What's more, he, he is like that, one, not counting. A person who is too serious." Alcohol stimulated his mind to wander, and Xi Ling uttered the next few words vaguely, his throat tightened and hurt.

"A person like me is not suitable to be with anyone. I have too much to let go of. I always like to eat some inexplicable jealousy. My possessiveness is terribly abnormal. If I hadn't learned restraint over the years, I would have killed everyone who approached him a long time ago, hehe..." Xi Ling sneered a few times, "At first it was Xie Ronger, then Xiao Yu, then Bai Yulan, Xiao Lu, Fu Shengyu... How terrible, Dad, look at your son, how terrible...

"If possible, I really wish I could rub him into my body, hide him every day, and not let anyone see him, let alone allow anyone to touch him. Only in this way can I completely relax and be with him Together... I don't know why I am such a person, so abnormal | But don't worry, I just think about these thoughts. When I really return to reality, I will only be silent... …

"Father, how I wish you could come back to me, scold me severely, or beat me up, you should wake me up, blame me for not being able to keep my promise, why the oath I made with my own mouth, In the end, none of them were able to implement it to the end. At the beginning, I tried every means to get close to the cultural village project in order to get revenge on that person, but now, I can only give up..."

Xi Ling picked up the glass of wine that had been idle for a long time on the ground, and slowly poured it in front of the tombstone: "Father, I know, you will definitely blame me for being entangled in your children's affair, timid, and not a man at all.

"But I'm sorry, Dad, I'm really sorry, I can't do this anymore, because of my mistake, I almost sent Chang Qin to prison, in order to avoid Chang Qin, and to avoid the hatred that has accumulated in my heart for many years, I hid in England for two years, but now that I'm back, I'm back to where I was.

"I never mentioned this matter to my sister, nor told anyone, no one knew, at least, I thought, no one knew, but in the end, it was discovered... I was stupid, Wanting to harm someone, but being put on the other side, if I was just a person, I wouldn’t be afraid of him at all, he can do whatever he wants with me, but he can’t do it now, because,” Xi Ling’s Adam’s apple rolled with difficulty All of a sudden, there was a stabbing pain in his throat, "Because of Chang Qin."

"Dad, I'm sorry, I can't implicate him anymore, so I can only put aside the hatred for the time being." He slowly filled the two wine glasses and said, "That's what I want to tell you today Second sorry."

Xi Ling closed his eyes, looked at the rolling dark clouds again, took a sip of the wine in his glass, and asked, "Father, do you think it will rain today?"

"Every time I come to see you, it is raining, so every time it rains, I will think of you, miss you, miss you very much...

"Although in my memory, you will always have a straight face, as if you have never smiled at me. The most memorable time is that night, you found that I brought a stranger home, and then took me from I was dragged out of the bed and punished to stand in the bedroom for an entire hour. Although there was heating in the room, I was wearing a vest and shorts, and I was still trembling when I stood behind. When you have punished me enough, take me back Under the quilt, that seemed to be the first time you hugged me... At that time, how much I wanted to fall asleep in your arms like that. I have never felt it before. It turns out that being hugged by my father is such a feeling, warm , comfortable, safe..." Xi Ling closed her eyes, and thought about it for a moment, "Later, you made me a cup of cold medicine yourself, and waited until I finished drinking it before leaving. Looking at the painted ceiling, I thought about a question repeatedly in my mind, since you punished me, why did you hug me? Since you wanted me to freeze, why did you feed me medicine?

"Maybe at that time, your feelings towards me were the same as I am now. All the helplessness that you can't bear is because of love."

Xi Ling sniffled, and returned to a relaxed tone: "Father, let me tell you something pleasant. I recognized my godfather and godmother. In fact... I recognized it a long time ago, and I should have told you a long time ago. I'm sorry , I didn't tell you until now.

"Both of them are very kind to me. My godfather is super good at cooking. Every time I see me, he always cooks a big table of delicious food for me. I have been away from you for so many years. It is my godfather and godmother who made me feel that way again. Arrived, the love of the elders...

"But, but... I'm going to make them sad again, just like I made you sad back then...

"Actually, I really hope that Chang Qin is just new to me for a while, and when the enthusiasm passes, he will leave, and then he will find another girl of the same age, live in peace, marry a wife and have children, and spend the rest of his life as a short-lived epiphyllum." No matter how beautiful it is, it only belongs to the moment when it blooms, doesn't it? Love is very beautiful, but once it returns to reality, it will inevitably hurt the people around me. I can't bear to make his parents sad, and I can't bear to let their only son , became, like me...not normal..." Xi Ling lowered her head, a sour taste slipped through her throat.

He adjusted his mood, raised his head, and said seriously: "But, if he really insists, this time, I won't let go."

Xi Ling raised his glass: "Father, this is what I want to tell you today, I'm sorry for the third sentence." He raised his head again and drank it down, the burning momentum made him unable to open his eyes for a long time, and he smacked ferociously. Smacking his lips, his cheeks were burning hot.

"Father, today, I officially introduce him to you. His name is Chang Qin. He is an ordinary Chang. The hand-picked Qin is the one you met seven years ago. Chang Qin, isn't it ironic? Boyfriend, it really is a prophecy.

"But I can't bring him to see you now. Later... In the future, if we are still together, I will definitely bring him over to see you and offer incense to you...

"Father, I have hidden too many things in my heart these past few years, and I am very tired. Really... Before, you taught me that if there is really no way to change and I can only like men, then love seriously Once, don't be half-hearted, don't play with feelings, so this time, I want to put everything down, and love him seriously...

"Just, allow me to indulge again, okay?"

Xi Ling picked up the wine glass on the ground, poured the third glass of wine in front of the stele, and said: "Actually, I know that although you compromised in words, in your heart, you couldn't accept the fact that I am gay from the beginning to the end. You gave birth to a son who was quite a failure. He grew up so big by your side. He never did anything to satisfy you. Not to mention, he always likes to make you angry, making you so angry that your heart is not good. If you Reincarnated, and become a father again, please don't have a son like me." After Xi Ling said the last sentence with a smile, a crystal clear liquid dripped onto the cement board, forming a circle of dark color. of water marks.

He put the cup back into the bag, stood up, bowed deeply again, and when he raised his head, there was no trace of tears on his fair face.

"Father, I'm leaving. I'll see you next time." He put his schoolbag on his back, and slowly brushed his fingers over the dark tombstone, then turned and walked down the mountain.

Because of excessive alcohol intake, Xi Ling was in a daze, and walked extremely slowly on the way down the mountain. By the time he walked tremblingly to the gate of the cemetery, it was already dark.

He walked straight along the path outside the gate, hoping to wait for a taxi to pass by, but the place was too remote, as far as he could see, there were only stretches of connected farmland and little lights in small buildings in the distance, and he wanted to call To get a taxi, he can only go out of the village all the way, and at his current speed, it may take until tomorrow morning to get out of the village.

The house leak happened to rain overnight, the car did not arrive, but a sporadic light rain came, this rain brewed in the dark clouds for a whole day, finally poured out, and soon turned into a torrential rain, Xi Ling didn't bring an umbrella, so she could only cover her head with her schoolbag, squinting her eyes and walking forward with difficulty.

After walking half way in the rain, two headlights suddenly appeared in front of the small road. On the front window glass, the wipers kept swaying from side to side, as if they were saying hello to themselves.

Xi Ling drank a lot of wine, and now his mind was a little silly. He stared at the continuously swinging wiper, and suddenly laughed. The last time Chang Qin suddenly appeared downstairs in the teaching building where he was in class, and turned on the wiper. The way he greeted him made him laugh, and the image has been firmly engraved in his mind. From then on, every time he sees the windshield wiper in front of the car window on the street, he can't help but look at it Stay for a while longer, imagining that when the wiper slides away, the beautiful face will be revealed behind...

It was rainy and foggy that night, he reversed the headlights, and couldn't see the face behind the window at all, but the car that was driving towards him stopped slowly in front of him, and then, the driver's door was opened, and a slender The figure ran down from the car and rushed to him anxiously.

"Why don't you open an umbrella!" The man ran to Xi Ling, raised one hand to shield him from the rain, and wrapped his other hand around his waist tightly, leading him into the car, talking non-stop. He muttered, "It's raining so much and you don't even open an umbrella. Do you want to have a fever?"

Pushed by him, Xi Ling moved forward mechanically with both feet, but turned his head to one side with difficulty. His blurred eyes tried to focus on the man's face. After a long while, he called out dryly: "Chang Qin?"

"It's me." Chang Qin replied without turning his head, but the strength in his hands increased a bit. He locked Xi Ling tightly in his arms, and the expression on his face looked cold, with obvious anger.

But Xi Ling immediately felt relieved, tilted his head, and fell asleep on Chang Qin's shoulder.