falling grass in pairs

62,

Empty room, unoccupied for over a week.Because no one cleaned it, a thin layer of dust fell on the desks and chairs, and the whole room was tidy and somewhat empty.

Yan Ze entered the door and looked around, remembering that a year ago, he and Yan Xianglin were still living here together, laughing and cursing, throwing tantrums and rolling around, it was another world.But now that he lives in Jiangcheng, the relationship between his brother and Xiaochi has undergone tremendous changes. The lives of the two of them have begun to walk on different trajectories.

Yan Ze only indulged himself in the memory for a short while, and immediately came to Yan Xianglin's bedroom.There is only one desktop computer in their family, and Yan Ze usually uses it. Most of Yan Xianglin's work or private entertainment is on his laptop.

He pushed open the door, and saw that his brother's room was as simple as before, a bit cold, with a desk lamp on a light-colored wooden table, and a laptop computer placed squarely.Yan Ze couldn't help but feel relieved. Fortunately, Yan Xianglin didn't even take his computer with him. It seems that he really wanted to relax when he went out this time.

The computer still has electricity, Yan Ze subconsciously lost Yan Xianglin's birthday, only to realize that this is not his computer.After thinking about it, I changed my birthday again, and the computer was unlocked.

He was worried about Zheng Yichi in his heart, almost absent-mindedly irritable, but at the moment of unlocking, something that popped into his eyes made him stunned again.

There is a notepad on the desktop, probably because the person using the computer is in a hurry, without exiting the background or shutting down the computer, it is just unfolded openly.

That is a note.

Looking at the date, it seems to be just a few days before Yan Xianglin left the country.

Yan Ze glanced at it briefly, and felt like a cold thorn piercing his skin, and couldn't help shivering.

Holding the mouse, I turned a few pages forward, until the day Yan Xianglin came out for him in the diary.

Full of guilt, guilt, anxiety, and even fear.

Feeling guilty is towards parents, guilty and confused is towards Xiaochi, uneasiness is towards younger brother, and I keep my fear to myself.

After reading an eloquent article, Yan Ze's touch is not insignificant.He always knew that his brother was always safe, confident, and responsible, but he had never seen Yan Xianglin like this in the notebook.Probably because of being the elder brother, in front of Yan Ze, he never showed uncertainty or fear or uneasiness.The impression he gave Yan Ze was always like a mountain. Although he was not as tall as his father and as gentle as his mother, he was silent and constant. He was there and would never leave.

Therefore, I can be willful and ignorant, rely on Yan Xianglin, and let him take care of me.And Yan Xianglin, as a matter of course, hid all the negative things in his heart very well.

Yan Ze suddenly realized.

He should have thought of it earlier.Coming out of the closet is something that even a person like myself who is not afraid of tigers hesitates, and even requires a lot of courage to do it, let alone facing Yan Xianglin?Even if he is his elder brother, he still has his own feelings.

He also has the same mood as himself, a relationship that needs to be managed and carefully cared for, and a hard-won and cherished relationship with Zheng Yichi.

The sacrifices made by the elder brother for the younger brother are all measured from Yan Ze's point of view.But this time, the second measurement was from Yan Xianglin's point of view, with a completely different understanding and interpretation. Yan Ze became more and more frightened, feeling as if his whole body was in icy water.

The guilt towards parents in the diary occupies most of the space.And the few mentions of Zheng Yichi are with unbearable pain.Although there were no explicit statements, Yan Ze could read his brother's emotions between the lines.

Yan Xianglin is not a literary person, let alone a person who has the habit of keeping a diary.

How many unbearable emotions, how much unbearable confusion and fear, forced him to write them out, so as to relieve his inner anxiety?

Yan Ze didn't dare to think deeply.

Finally, the diary was turned to the last day, which was the entry not long before Yan Xianglin left.

"On a certain day of a certain month and year, it is sunny and windy."

"Today, my father is finally willing to talk to me. I am so happy. I remember that when I was a child, my family's economic conditions were not good, and the whole family lived in the compound of the military region. At that time, there were not so many tall buildings in the city. He let me ride on his neck, grabbing Holding my hand, I walked around the yard again and again."

"I am not a competent elder brother. I let my younger brother walk in my back, and I failed to protect him. I am also not a competent son. I have kept it from my parents for so many years, always thinking about one day, but forgetting the time. In a word, I have never been kind enough. In a blink of an eye, I became the only one in the family who can take care of myself. This is the first time I am so clearly aware of this."

"Father already knew about Xiao Ze and Jiang Cheng, but he didn't go to find Xiao Ze. The fact that both sons are gay must have hit him hard. Maybe it was a bigger blow than losing one alone. Otherwise, Why is he looking at me like that?"

"He said that he can no longer pursue the matter of Ozawa, and he can also forgive the fact that I am gay. The future path, no matter how we go, is our own choice. However, the Yan family must continue as a family. Pass it on."

"I understand what Dad means. Between me and my brother, there must be someone who will get married in the future, start a family and start a business, and form a complete family. If it's not me, it will be him."

"Brother, he will cry, right?"

"I remember when he was just born, I was taken by my father from school to the hospital to see him. I stood in front of the crib with a backpack on my back, and tiptoed to look at him sleeping soundly inside."

"He is so small, so soft, like a sugar man. With a light pinch and poke, he can melt and disappear. It was the first time that I felt that I was carrying more than just a schoolbag on my shoulders. "

"How can I bear him being sad? I'm his brother."

"In this world, the one who loves him the most, who loves him the most, who breaks the bones and connects the tendons, is the only brother..."

"But"

Yan Ze covered his mouth, tears rolled out silently.

He shook his shoulders in front of the computer, weeping uncontrollably.

The diary stopped abruptly at the word "but".No further elaboration, not even a single punctuation mark.

It's like the person who wrote it was suddenly interrupted and left in a hurry; it's also like the following words, no matter what, I don't know how to write it down.

Yan Ze seemed to see Yan Xianglin sitting in front of the computer, the small lamp on the desk was on.With a tired face, haggard and uneasy, he tapped the keyboard slowly with his fingers, deleting and writing the characters after "but" back and forth, writing and deleting again and again.Finally had to indulge it blank.

Yan Ze felt terribly uncomfortable, only felt that there was a hand grabbing his heart, holding it fiercely, listening to it struggling and beating, but insisting on tearing it out of his chest.

Breaking the bones and connecting the tendons, Yan Xianglin's words really hit the heart with a knife.

He whimpered and kept wiping his teary eyes with both hands as if he was too busy, but the more he cried, the more he cried, and finally he let himself go, with his hands hanging on his lap, and his head bowed down, crying sadly.

After Yan Ze graduated from junior high school, he seldom cried like a child.

It seems that he has been wronged by the sky, but he can't explain it.

The doorbell rang hastily, over and over again, sounding restless.Yan Ze listened for a long time before he could force himself to stop.He sniffled, quickly wiped two handfuls on his face, and then pulled on his slippers to open the door.

Jiang Cheng came directly from the company.As soon as he opened the door, he saw Yan Ze's red eyes, obviously crying, his expression was a bit dazed, and it made people feel distressed.

He hesitated for a moment, said nothing, and stretched out his arms to wrap his arms around him.

Because of his tall stature, when the two embraced, he looked like a backer.Yan Ze is like a bird returning to its nest, burying his head on his chest, no matter the weather or not.

Holding onto Jiang Cheng's coat, he didn't feel ashamed, so he just sobbed and cried for a while, wiping all his tears, nose and so on, on Jiang Cheng's body, and then he gave up.

But he was unwilling to raise his head, and still hiccupped from time to time.

Jiang Cheng was so distressed and helpless by his crying like this, he just followed his vest gently, making him feel dependent, so that he wouldn't be in a mess.

Seeing that the person was getting better, he held Yan Ze's head in his hands, and wiped the tears on his face gently and forbearingly: "What's the matter? Don't worry, speak slowly, I will solve it with you."

Unexpectedly, after he said a word, Yan Ze stared straight at him with dark eyes, Jiang Cheng in his eyes was mature and stable, even every outline and corner of his face was like what he loved.Out of nowhere, Yan Ze started crying again, and the tears fell as soon as he said it, without even saying hello.

Suddenly a tear fell on his thumb, Jiang Cheng flinched as if his hand was hot, then he couldn't bear to purse his lips, his eyes were reproachful and dazed.

Yan Ze looked at him, sobbed and said, "Ru, if I get married... Married... Will you hate me?"

Jiang Cheng was taken aback by his question, and he choked for a long time before recovering.

Yan Ze cried even harder: "I... If I get married, you, don't hate me."

Jiang Cheng was so confused by him that he couldn't figure it out, so he hugged him horizontally, and carried him to the sofa with big strides.Yan Ze hugged his neck very skillfully while crying, hiccupping all the way.

Jiang Cheng didn't care that he was crying all over the place, and pressed him on the sofa for a kiss, which made Yan Ze breathless, and his face was almost flushed, so he let him go, and rubbed his chest for a while. He said smoothly: "Is it better? Can you tell me now, what happened?"

Yan Ze was silent for a while, temporarily suppressing his emotions, and decided to tell Jiang Cheng the cause and effect of Xiaochi as a matter of urgency.In the process of speaking, it was difficult to concentrate his eyes several times, and he wandered around.

Jiang Cheng listened to him, but his expression became more and more serious, and at the end he directly interrupted Yan Ze: "Although you and Zheng Yichi are graduate students, there is always a file at the school, now go to the school immediately to contact his family, other Don't worry about it for now."

Yan Ze almost wanted to give himself two slaps: "Yes, what a brain I am, what the hell!"

Just as the two of them were impatiently kicking on their shoes and preparing to rush out, Yan Ze's cell phone rang, and it was an unfamiliar number.Worried that it had something to do with Zheng Yichi, he picked it up almost without thinking: "Hey, is there any news?"

The other party's signal didn't seem to be very good, there were several sizzles, intermittently.

"Hello, hello?"

The signal over there finally stabilized.

"Xiaochi, it's me, I'm back."