REMIX

Bonus: [-] Lao Gong Weibo posts

Many people have seen it.A collection of [-] Weibo posts by Mr. Gong Junye, a not-so-famous comedian in the industry.

1. I don’t like everyone always wearing black suits, especially when I wake up from a nap and see people sitting beside me going to funerals, I think I’ve been dead for half a year.

2. Last night was really boring. I called Si Jun and asked him to tell me a bedtime story. He said, there used to be a man who went to bed early and woke up early. Do you know why? He didn’t have sex.

Stinky idiot.

3. After reading a Mary Su novel, I think it is necessary for me to popularize science with you.That kind of aristocratic school that high school students go to does not exist, but no matter what your status is, you can't drive your private car to the school in a big way to hit little girls.If you drive a Cadillac in there, someone driving a Rolls Royce will hit you from the backside and say, show off your mother.

4. Someone asked "what do men think about letting the other half call me daddy", let me explain, first of all, my point of view is not based on reality, if it is a joke, I really want to hear the baby call me daddy, I feel that I am protecting He took care of him and felt a sense of psychological satisfaction, wanting to achieve an intimacy close to blood relationship.

But I'm afraid of fucking hitting me.

5. The world is so big that I don't want to see it at all.Anyway, not as good as you.

6. In fact, there is nothing wrong with being a woman.But you have to be born a few years later.About the age of a baby, when he was singing on stage, I shouted hoarsely in the audience, I love you and I want to give birth to you! ! !That's right, no shame at all.

7. I went to visit my parents' graves in the afternoon. I have to confess to the old man after hiding it for so many years.Dad, I actually touched your fifth mistress's leg.

8. Have dinner at Si Jun's house. "When will Xiaojun get married?" "Wait until my partner becomes an adult." "..." "Uncle, listen to my explanation."

9. In general yes.In view of the fact that the baby is not yet an adult, I can't do the last step in many things.I don't know why, but I can easily find guilt in him, often introspective but hard to control, and I still enjoy this kind of contradiction.

10. I went to get my hair cut in the afternoon, and I made an appointment with a private hair stylist with a big pattern, a 1.9-meter hunk with a silver toolbox and a long black trench coat, with chest muscles two cups bigger than mine.I was in a hurry and stopped him with a look before he was about to talk to me, and it worked, he didn't speak the whole time.But before leaving, I heard him call someone with red eyes: "Oh my God, that guest is so fierce, I was worried that he would suddenly kiss me and tell me to shut up..."

11. When I was in junior high school, I met Si Jun not long ago. One day he brought a classmate with long hair. I wondered why this girl was wearing a men's school uniform. Si Jun just opened his mouth and said, "This is my childhood sweetheart. ..." The words "Hello, beauty" were still on my lips, and the long hair gnashed its teeth and roared over, "I'm not a woman." Turning around, I punched Si Jun again, "Who the hell is that?" You Qingmei"—the first time I met Chu Qing, I was very flustered.

12. Later, when the truth came out, Si Jun blocked his bleeding nostril with a tissue and said, "Damn it, I meant to talk about my childhood sweetheart!" But no one cared about that.

13. No matter what line of work you do, you should pay attention to harmony and wealth.So do we.What problem can't be solved by a barbecue.

——What Yan is called R, how many barbecues did you use to solve it with him?

—I solved it by pressing his face into the baking pan.

14. I got the tattoo after inheriting the family business. The tattoo artist is an old acquaintance of my dad. He is an experienced driver in his fifties.A slap came up and knocked me unconscious.When I wake up, my arm hurts, who am I, where am I, why are there a group of idiots in black suits next to me.

15. The baby drank a cup of Americano coffee that I usually like, and was so bitter that he lay on the table without moving for a long time. I quickly took a big sip of caramel and said, come and kiss me.

...He said he would call me Gong Sansui in the future.

16. Everyone must take good care of their eyes to prevent myopia.I lost my earrings when I was taking a bath, and asked Zhou Jingyang to help me find them, and he found me a fucking dust plug.

17. What is someone else's child?Si Jun's father called me Xiaojun, and it is said that he would have the same name as Si Jun, but he has always been called "stupid" and "little beast".

18. While I was kissing him and hugging him on the table, the doorbell for food delivery rang outside.

I don't want to say a word right now.

Going to buy that store tomorrow.

19. You are so cute, how can your mother rest assured that you are running around all over the street alone.

20. "How much money does it cost me to not leave your son!!!" I said to my mother-in-law.

21. When you talk to your baby while eating, what does it mean "too far away"?The baby said while cooking the mutton, the dick is big but the work is not good.

22. Dessert shop.I said it was Cream-pie, and the baby gave me a look and muttered, old rascal.

23. The baby said that his biggest wish is to earn money to support me as a good boy.

24. I gave him the house book and the card, and from now on I will officially start to eat soft food, get to know my daughter-in-law when I go to the kang, and get to know the shoes when I go to the kang.

25. A colleague, a big bald man who walked out of the Water Margin, took a pink mobile phone.It is said to be a special order.

26. I have a psychological shadow on Baihuashecao water. I used to pretend to be bored in front of my baby. At that time, my eyes went dark. When I woke up, I found that in the hotel, the baby was leaning on the bed and smoking a cigarette. You are already mine. people.

Anyway, you stripped me naked and acted again.It's not that I won't let you off.

27. I said Xia Xiaoxi, where did you learn all these dirty little knowledge, he said, in the lyrics. "Such as?" "Shewakeupeatthisdick, callthatbreakfastinbed..."

Please stop singing, what a rowing boat.

28. Encouraged by some female friends to read the president's article, underworld article, Jinzhu article, what kind of article, especially the president's article, I always use it to make Si Jun, I said Si Zong, did you smile evilly?Did it get your attention?Stomach trouble?Has the proud self-control collapsed in an instant?Now when he sees me, he wants to buy a bowl of mala tang and splash it on my face.

29. In fact, he didn’t dare to do anything to me. I’ve been secretly taking pictures of him since high school and selling them to other girls. The price starts at ten yuan a piece. I just want to anger him if I’m not making money.

30. Even though he didn't buy anything, he was still called a prodigal man.

31. The baby is a hidden color control.It's all my fault that I used my face to seduce him when he was young and ignorant, so no matter how I play hooligans now, even if he wants to beat me ten thousand times, just five seconds of eye contact can save the day.

I'm almost as shameless as Si Jun.

32. ——If you met EX and ta’s incumbent on the road, what would you do?

——What if I slept with both of them...?

33. Whenever I want to go to Si Jun for something, this idiot will start to make excuses, "You can sing the duo for me", "Go kiss the bald head of the big guy next door", "Put Chu Qing a double ponytail" I I advise you to eat some shit and calm down.

34. A suicide note: Eat a duck neck in a clear Bentley and drop it on the seat.

35. What is the motivation for fitness: Once the baby accidentally said that he especially liked the moment when I put on the sleeves of the suit, and the shirt was pulled tight to reveal the line of the chest.Use this sentence to remind yourself every time you are lazy.

36. I ran to his house suddenly and told him that I was hungry.He searched the entire kitchen and only found instant noodles and wontons wrapped in advance and frozen in the refrigerator.He said that he hid it for the winter, and he could cook it fresh if he didn't want to go out.I said are you a hamster?Is it yummy?Why don't you wear an apron?He pushed me and said, don't stand by and make trouble while cooking.I took a step back, two steps, the words came to my lips, and I didn't dare to say them.

There are countless moments when I want to repent. I regard you as my little man, and I also regard you as my wife who has married into the family.

37. I know a dude who claims to be the number one USB in my circle. It can be plugged in wherever you go, with a universal model, and you can choose various terminals at will.

38. "Brother, it's not good for you..."

"Why not."

"You are like this, you are ashamed to see others like you."

"I didn't do anything, and I didn't ruin him. Why is he ashamed to see others?"

As I said that, I crushed the face under my feet.

39. I went for a stroll after dinner with my baby, went shopping, and saw a piece of clothing, but it was a size bigger, 185-195.

The baby said casually, "It's too big, you don't need to wear pants."

Nosebleeds come down when I think about it.

40. I like some good-looking things. Good-looking things are useful, not completely useless.Unruffled, tolerant, rational and calm in times of crisis are all good-looking, compared to weakness, panic, madness and no way to end.

It's a pity that I often don't look so good in front of you, thank you for accommodating.

41. When I feel cold, I think of your red lips in just a T-shirt after taking a shower.

42. I wanted to be handsome when the baby came in, so I unbuttoned my trousers and stuck them to the door frame and asked him: "Whose handsome boy is this who went to the wrong door?" Seeing him, he was so tired that he was in a daze Smiled at me, without saying a word, knelt on the ground with a plop and hugged my thigh, "Baby——TAT"

43. As a gangster, I actually parked my car to show the old man the way...

44. A practical report on feeding flirting.

45. When Xia Xiaoxi was doing his homework, I forked a soft biscuit, passed it to his mouth, and then slowly retracted my hand until I could kiss his forehead.

He was a little dazed at first, then he bit the biscuit and fed it to me as soon as he raised his head.

I give full marks to this question.

46.—How lazy were you at your laziest?

Sit up and move by yourself.

47. "Brother, tell me, who is going to cut today!"

"Peel a cucumber and apply a mask."

48. After waking up, I decided to play an unprecedented shame play: watch GV with my baby.

After 10 minutes, I will post my impressions.Or, two hours later.

49. The following thoughts are summed up by me and my baby:

50. First, European and American men are really good in shape, but the baby feels too strong, which affects the beauty. If I also have a C cup, I must touch my breasts every day; blush;

51. Third, the freetalk before the main drama started was quite loving and the interaction was very sweet, but during the process of doing it, the fuck came and went.

52. Young people nowadays, when they enter this line of work, they always want to show their sincerity with all their might. A new young man came under him, and I said, please do something to me, but he said that the boss asked me to go up the mountain of swords and down the sea of ​​fire. Not hesitate! ! !

I said you help me go downstairs and buy a chicken chop that is not spicy.

53. Chu Qing heard that someone mistakenly thought that he liked Si Jun after reading the book. This out-of-bounds speculation completely desecrated the friendship between the two of them. Guo said to Si Jun, "I like his dick".

"Ohmy, you actually like his..."

Before I finished marveling at the stool under my buttocks, he kicked me ten meters away.

54. Regarding things like showing affection, try to talk about the joy that can be shared with others, instead of showing off unilaterally, which is boring.Good things are admired, so if your expression makes people feel uncomfortable, it is a character problem.

My character is not good, in general, just handsome.

55. Unintentionally drunk, distracted.While wailing on the side of the road in a pitiful tone, baby, I’m so cold, I’m so hurt, I really want you to come and pick me up, and at the same time gesture to the little brother next to me, “Dare to laugh, I’ll fuck you to death”.

56.——Who do you think looks better, you or Uncle Zhou?

Bullshit is of course me.I could only cry and say I was ugly in front of Chu Qing.

57. After eating two meals, one meal before the Spring Festival Gala, a large group of people messed around, and the scene was too chaotic, so I refused to take pictures. In the second half of the night, the two of us went to have a supper alone. When we walked back, I said Xia Xiaoxi, yours Female fans like to look at hands, let me clap my hands.He let out a oh.

...and then came and gave me a high five.

58. It's raining outside, and I hate rain in winter the most. Sitting in front of the window with my baby in a daze, he goes to the kitchen and asks me what I want to drink. I say what you cook and I drink.He made milk tea, gurgling and smoking hot, he said, you are too casual.Touched my chin again and said I should shave.I asked him, is it good-looking, and he said, you look good in everything.

You are also a casual person.

59. I don't want other little girls to stare at him all the time, but the eyes are on other people's faces, so I don't care.I also don't want those gay guys who can smell body fluids with their mouths to open their mouths to have bad intentions towards him, but I don't care if the brain grows in someone else's head.The more I think about it, the more wronged I feel, and I want to sit on the ground and cry.

Don't rehearse, hurry up and coax me.Not one lollipop, nor two.

60. Up to now when the two of us are facing the computer together, if a pornographic advertisement pops up, my first reaction is to cover his eyes.How can a child watch something like this.

61.——When a girl gets angry, what is the most exaggerated?

——Fei Na, Fatty He lost twenty catties because of breaking a box of her foundation.

62. When the baby was singing in the room and cheering himself up, I was caught off guard when he opened the door and walked in. His expression switching speed was comparable to that of Sichuan opera.

63. I hope that girls will have the courage to ask us for help when they encounter danger when they are alone.Guaranteed to be fast, professional and ruthless.

64. I crumbled the lollipop and ate it, then kissed him and asked him what it tasted like.The first time, he said the salt lemon was a pop soda; the second time, he said the pudding was chocolate; the third time he couldn't stand still, his face was flushed, and he quietly told me that he made a mistake on purpose.

65. This setting of undressing yourself while kissing is really killing me.

66. I asked the baby, what would you do if you stopped singing.

He thought for a while and said, "Cross talk?"

(I don't want to see your expressionless baby name.)

67. Because I did something bad to him in some places, he didn't want to be shirtless when he was at home no matter how hot he was.

68.——How long is it normal for a 20-year-old boy to have sex once?

69.——Explaining from my own experience, if there is foreplay, the first time is 10 minutes, and then it is 10 to [-] minutes. Boys of this age are generally dry and flirtatious.Admirable, shameless.

70. Occasionally, I will hug each other for a long time with my mind empty, I don't know what I am thinking, and I ask him, but he doesn't know either.Holding him in a trance, remembering the feeling of being in his arms every time, hugging again every time he forgets, it's always different every time.Sometimes he leans against my shoulder, sometimes buries his face in my arms, blows hot air, sometimes rubs against my neck, hears him sniggering, and grabs his hands firmly.

But I am the same, I will kiss him, like hug him for the first time in my life.

71. I haven’t played Zhihu for a long time, and I just threw it away after registering my account. Today, I wanted to log in and check it out. When I was completing the information, I fell into a hesitation in the occupation column.

In the end, I chose "arms" with a rigorous and solemn mood.

72. ——What kind of experience is it like to live with your boyfriend?

73. ——Every morning, I pretended to be asleep, peeked at him going to the kitchen to cook in a daze, came to call me after a while, and was dragged to bed forcibly to continue to sleep; he bathed the cat, and I bathed him; taught him Muay Thai, said It’s so hard to slap your face; when playing a two-player game, he is responsible for winning, and I am responsible for releasing the water; when sleeping, whoever is dishonest is the grandson.

I don't care about the grandson, just the grandson.

74. Waking up in the middle of the night.I got up and read a book for a while, watching Wang Xiaobo (yes, I am not as mentally handicapped as Si Jun, I can read) turned on the desk lamp to avoid waking him up, put the bookshelf on my lap, and covered his eyes with one hand.

75. In the morning he told me that he had a dream in which someone covered his eyes with a red cloth, played hide and seek with him, and said that if he caught it, he would marry him.

I said did you catch it in the end?He shook my hand and said, got it.

76. I, who wore a raw-edged T-shirt and big pants and flip-flops for the sake of skewers, met my business partner on a narrow road...

In the morning, I was so lively in bargaining with me, but now with a shy face, I insist on a bunch of fried tofu.Go away, don't give it.

77. Chu Qing didn't want to talk to me today and threw a Si Jun at me.

78. What should I give for my baby's birthday next month?

79. Pure men like to get straight to the point. I asked him bluntly, tell me, my husband will give me whatever I want.He also answered bluntly, I hope you will be a wife for a day.

oh.What did you say?

80. When I say "I'm hungry" to my baby, his first action is to lift his shirt, and the second action is to point to the kitchen without even saying a word.

The lad is very good.

81. I passed by a tailor shop at work this morning, and saw a row of all kinds of Lolita dresses hanging at the door. The boss held morning tea and told people at the door, "I don't sell it, I don't sell it, I made it for my wife."

can.

82. I was scratched by a cat, so scared that he grabbed my hand and asked me, does it hurt?Omg that look, sexy (thanks cat).

83. "I haven't seen Si Jun for three days." "Maybe he's dead."

——My daily life with Chuqing.

84. Can you imagine that he was standing in the shade of a tree downstairs in my company, waiting for me with a blank face holding a cone, and before I walked in front of him, his face suddenly became very vivid, He hurriedly stuffed it to me, "Lick it up and it will melt away."

Probably not very well timed, but many sweet things come to mind.

85. He had no class in the afternoon and said he would accompany me to work. I said you really didn’t come to check the post, but he was dubious: Does your company have a beautiful sister?

I said yes, I heard that she likes fresh meat, I was so scared that I quit before you came.

86.——What is the biggest grievance you have suffered in friendship?

When Chu Qing beat Si Jun, he always hurt me.

87. Every time I see little wolfdogs, little tigers, and little clouded leopards, I think they look like babies. They look cute but have lethality. If they are well tamed, they will be very good.I watched him grow up and become a big strong and strong animal, but still ask for my arms, it's so good.

88. A bolt from the blue.Because of the fire, I got a bump on my nose, neither red nor big, but it was already a devastating blow to my career for a man like me who lives on his face, God.

I asked Xia Xiaoxi what to do, he thought for a while, and then discussed with me with some hesitation: "Then I will be handsome for you for a few days?"

Okay, that's very generous.

89. It's too hot, I don't even bother to make love.

90.——What kind of experience is it for a boyfriend to call out nicely?

91. Can't listen to him sing well.

92.——What kind of experience is hitting an orgasm?

In terms of literature and art, it is like falling from a high altitude, and finally it turns into a snow that falls on you and melts.

In layman's terms, it seems that the body has been hollowed out.

93. I said baby, wake up, baby, what are you doing, baby, have you taken a bath, baby, what do you want to eat at noon, I bought it and brought it home, baby, I miss you so much, Si Jun said, mother's idiot Gong Can you not play with your mobile phone when Jun Ye is in a meeting, can you not let me see the screen while playing with your mobile phone, why don't you die.

94. I revisited MagicMike with my baby before going to bed. I said I would dance the money boss Bootywurk, and he said that I would pay you... Now after I dance, he has a nosebleed, and he hides in the toilet and refuses to come out. Like an old lady who feeds her grandson, I chase after him and hand him Yunnan Baiyao.

95.——What kind of experience is it to have a dirty girlfriend?

96. Fei Na started buying lipstick for her baby, help me...

97.——What kind of experience is it like to take a mandarin duck bath with a male ticket?

After washing once, I changed to a larger bathtub so as not to affect my performance.

98. Pharaoh crawled on top of me, pressing his two front paws on my leg, with complicated eyes, and without saying a word, I immediately put down the phone and held his face: "What's wrong? What happened? Am I your favorite?" My beloved, why don't you talk?" The baby came over with a water glass, took a deep breath, and I seemed to vaguely see him rolling his eyes: "It's hungry."

99. What happened last night.I was entrusted to attend an event in a place where the public security was not very good. The show ended after twelve o’clock. I walked through the back door first, and was blocked by three young men with knives. Before I could grab his knife, dozens of people rushed out behind me. People... I was still held by two people's arms, and one person strangled my neck, with an embarrassed expression on my face.The gap between the two sides stared at each other for up to 1 minute. In the end, an ignorant young man on our side couldn't read the atmosphere, so he laughed out loud on the spot.

100. I want to treat you well, I hope you can live in the warm sunshine, be upright, humble, innocent, brave, love or be loved, don't have to beg for things you can't get, don't have to go through the hardships of life in advance, and I will protect You are hopelessly romantic and idealistic.

The author has something to say:

This is one of the three original book editions, and the remaining two will not be released on the Internet. There is a plan to publish a physical book, and everyone is welcome to continue to pay attention.

Much love, thank you very much.