Be Dazai's mother

It was almost evening at this time, and the setting sun dyed the whole world into a somewhat desolate orange-red, turning the light and dark sides of the whole world.As the sun slowly sinks, the unsettling darkness expands, gradually engulfing the entire world.A breeze blows, carrying a scent of green grass, but for some reason, the hazy uneasiness in my heart spreads like a chaotic night.

"...Mom." I myself have traveled to Mei's body, and I have also obtained a large part of Mei's memory. At this time, seeing Mizuki who hurried to find me, because of the body's instinctive memory, I couldn't help shouting .

Of course, after I finished shouting, I was also stunned, and I covered my mouth a little helplessly, feeling embarrassed that I suddenly called someone else's mother.Without looking at me, I can feel Azhi's mocking eyes.

If I could, I'd really like to drill a hole and go in.

Although I felt 12 embarrassing, Mizuki shouted as if she was very happy: "It's me! It's mom!"

She looks a lot like Mei.This is a matter of course, after all, Mei is Mizuki's daughter.She is not a beauty, she can barely see it, her face still has fatigue and wrinkles accumulated over the years, just looking at the wrinkles on that face makes people panic.But when the wine-red long hair was scattered in a mess, Mei Yue gave off a very gentle feeling.

Meiyue looked at me with a pair of soft eyes full of kindness, and said like coaxing a child: "What's the matter, let's talk about it when we go home?"

The dim light of the setting sun shone on Miyue's face, making her eyes soft as if they were about to shed tears.

Maybe it was because she saw that I attached great importance to Azhi, she looked at Azhi, and said in a complimenting tone: "This child is so cute, what's his name?"

"Aji." I hesitated for a moment, not knowing how I should face Mei's mother, Mizuki, and in the end I could only answer her question first: "Osamu Dazai."

"What a good name." Meiyue said with a smile, took out a lollipop from her pocket and stuffed it into Azhi's hand: "Here, this is a small gift for good children."

Azhi gave me a tentative look, and I patted his head reassuringly, and said, "Why don't you hurry up and thank Auntie Meiyue?"

Aji nodded, held the lollipop in his hand, and thanked Miyue with a polite smile on his face: "Thank you, Auntie Miyue."

Hearing that I asked Azhi to call her auntie, the smile on Meiyue's face froze for a moment, she slowed down, and seeing that the atmosphere seemed a little awkward, she laughed and broke the embarrassing silence, she said to me with a smile : "You kid, are you still angry with us? Really, you don't know when you can change your stubborn temper."

I looked down at the lollipop in Aji’s hand—it was Mei’s favorite thing. When she stayed at home alone when she was a child, if Mizuki brought this kind of lollipop back for her to eat, then Mei would be so happy for the first time. next morning.

It’s just that more than a dozen years ago, when Mei was young, there was an economic crisis. Let alone sugar, even getting enough to eat became a big problem.Therefore, Mei didn't eat this kind of candy many times when she was young.

Later, when I grew up, when the family’s financial conditions were relatively loose, I don’t know if it was because of the obsession left behind when I was a child, Mei became very fond of eating this kind of candy, even though it caused tooth decay, and was scolded several times by his father Mr. Takahashi This time, Mizuki persuaded her several times, and Mei always secretly bought this kind of candy and hid it under her pillow to eat.

It was not until she ran away from home that Mei quit this habit due to financial difficulties.

It's just that Mizuki still doesn't know about it, and she still uses this candy to make Mei happy as before.

Mizuki didn't notice the heaviness in my heart, she just turned her head and continued to look at me, and said in a comforting tone: "Mei, no matter what, we will go home first, okay? Your father just went crazy for a while. , you also know that his dead temper is like this."

"..." I lowered my eyes in silence, and after a while, said in a voice that was so soft that I could hardly hear it: "I can't go home with you."

"If you really don't want to go home, go to your Auntie Linnai's hotel first, okay? Do you have any money? If you don't have enough, mom will give it to you first." Saying so, Mei Yue took out a stack of wrinkled clothes from her pocket. Baba and odds and ends of money stuffed into my hand.

"Thank you, no need." I put the money that Meiyue handed over back.On the premise of occupying Mei's body, I still use this body to ask her mother to give me money. No matter how shameless I am, I am not so shameless. I said: "Use it yourself."

"What did you say 'thank you'? Why are you being polite to your mother?" Meiyue said amusedly, and then she showed a suddenly realized expression as if she had remembered something, and said, "Could it be that you are still angry with your father?"

If the real Mei was here, she might really be furious.But it's a pity that I'm just a fake, and I don't have the right to be angry on the premise of occupying someone else's body.

Meiyue didn't know what I was thinking, she just said to herself: "Stop getting angry with your father all the time, his kind of virtue is really annoying, but anyway, I have raised you for so many years, you now It's not too young anymore, it's my mother, so forgive him? Okay?"

"But isn't your tone speaking to a child?" I said delicately.

"Ah." Meiyue blinked, was stunned for a moment, and said helplessly when she came back to her senses: "Well, there is no way, how many years have I been worrying about you?"

With a quiet smile on her face, the tired woman said, "No matter how big the changes are, in my eyes, you are the kid who always makes me worry and calls me 'Mom'."

Saying this, Mizuki said as if teasing me: "But our Mei has really changed a lot. Is it because I also became a mother?"

Meiyue said so, as if remembering something from a long time ago, she stretched out her hand to push the hair in front of her ears back, and said in a soft voice: "You used to have a really bad temper, you have a depressive personality. I don’t like to talk to other people. I can’t help but think, what will you do in the future? With your character, who else would want you?”

Meiyue sighed, and said: "You have grown up slowly, to the point where I can no longer hug you. I am also getting older, and I don't know how many years I can still worry about you. You also Don't always act like a child."

For a while, she said that I was always a child in her eyes, and for a while, she said that I should not always be like a child.Mizuki's seemingly contradictory words, but they are deeply understood by parents, made me open my mouth involuntarily, and took a breath unsteadily.

Seeing that I opened my mouth as if to say something, Meiyue shook her head again and said, "Okay, okay, I know you don't like to hear this, so why don't you just say something else?"

"You don't always lose your temper when you hear things you don't want to hear. I'm your mother, can I still hurt you?" Mei Yue said, reaching out her hand and patted my forehead affectionately.

"Do you remember Ruoichiro, who used to come to play with you the most when you were still at home? Oh, that kid is really promising now. I heard that he was admitted to a school in Tokyo. He has been looking for you all these years Well, he always asks me: "Auntie Mizuki, is sister Mei back?" Haha, he is really a child who clings to you. If he knows that you are back, he will be very happy."

In Mei's memory, this kid named Wakaichiro appeared. He was younger than Mei, and his personality was a bit arrogant, but he liked Mei very much and would always come to play with Mei.

Meiyue was still talking, the setting sun shrouded each of us, it was warm, but I felt as if I had fallen into an ice cave.I lowered my eyes and looked at the black shadow in the corner of the wall, which was expanding more and more. There was a bitter taste in my mouth, but I couldn't say anything.

My long silence made Mizuki look at me with reproachful eyes and said, "Why are you still so quiet?"

Mizuki's eyes drifted to the setting sun in the distance, and she said with some emotion: "But just like Wakaichiro, you have indeed grown up a lot, you are a big girl. You have changed so much that I almost can't recognize you." Come out, but there is no way, maybe parents want to watch the back of a familiar child gradually go away, and then slowly become strange again."

Mizuki grabbed my hand with a smile, and I followed her gaze to see that our hands overlapped—although my hands had become rough from working, Mizuki's hands were thicker than mine. Rough, this may mean that she has experienced far more suffering than me.

Meiyue closed her eyes and said with a smile as if she was very happy: "But it's okay, I'm Mei's mother. No matter how long we've been separated, no matter how far the distance is, even if we're on opposite ends of the world."

Mizuki looked at our intertwined hands and said contentedly, "Our hearts are also connected."

No matter how long they have been apart, no matter how far apart, even if they are separated by two ends of the world, this Mei Yue's body was also born of Mizuki's pregnancy in October. Their blood is connected, and the heart that misses each other is also linked together.

This time I was silent for a long time, looking at the smile on Mizuki’s wrinkled face, I pursed my lips tightly, almost pulling my mouth into a straight line, and continued to use the soft mouth Said the voice that would disappear in a second.

"...Is that enough?"

In the quiet street dyed red by the setting sun, even the chirping of birds and the laughter of children playing in the distance disappeared completely as if they had been erased.At the same time, my voice was harsh as if it had been amplified countless times.I took a deep breath and said, "Don't do this again."

Meiyue blinked blankly, as if she didn't understand what I was talking about, she continued to smile and said, "Oh, have you lost your temper again, kid? Really, everyone says you're an adult—"

"Now that you've recognized that I'm not Mei, don't deceive yourself like this again." I didn't soften my heart any more, but told the truth so bluntly.

The smile on Meiyue's face froze for a moment, she looked at me, trying to pull her stiff face to continue to show a nonchalant smile, she said, "What are you talking about, Mei?"

Bud, bud, bud.

Her child, her most important child.

Obviously she was shouting like this, but her voice was trembling, and her eyes were full of despair as she looked at me, like a drowning person holding the last piece of driftwood, as if she was begging me for help, telling me to stop talking .

"..."

"..."

"......"

I was silent, the long and breathless silence spread around us, the air in the small space where we stood seemed to be sucked away, I looked at the blackness in the corner The shadow has spread to engulf the flowers under the tree, and at the same time, my heart sank to the bottom at this moment.

I looked at her with calm and sad eyes, and said, "I'm not Mei?"

No matter how much I deceive myself and others, the real Mei will never come back.

The smile on Meiyue's face completely disappeared, she opened her eyes wide, took a few breaths as if she felt unable to breathe, and her body violently heaved a few times like a struggling fish.

"Mei, Mei, my child." Meiyue's face became extremely ferocious, she rushed towards me, and shouted emotionally: "You are not Mei! You are not Mei! My child is not like this! "

"Where did Mei go? Where did you go? Talk to me!" Miyue grabbed my collar tightly, her face was completely devoid of the kindness that had just been shown, and it was full of horrific ferocity, but even so, I watched Her eyes were still sad.

As if she realized something from my eyes but didn't want to accept the fact, Mizuki shouted loudly: "Don't look at me with such eyes! Tell me quickly! You fake! Where did Mei go? "

Mizuki grabbed my clothes with all her strength, and I was tightly strangled by the rope like a sinner who committed an unforgivable crime.

Aji subconsciously jumped on Mizuki to stop her behavior, but Mizuki who lost Mei was as crazy as a lioness who lost her cub, she pushed him away and continued to grab and shake me.

"give me back!!"

There were passers-by around, and when they saw Miyue rushing towards me with a delirious appearance, they were all startled, and rushed to grab her, pulling Miyue a distance away.

Someone who knew Mizuki and Mei asked in surprise: "Oh, Mizuki, what are you doing? Huh? Isn't this Mei? You are finally back? Oh, no, why did you come back and Mizuki didn't Happy?"

Being grabbed by the people around, Mizuki couldn't break free no matter what, but even so, she still desperately reached out to me, crying and shouting in a voice that almost killed herself.

——"Give me back my child!!"

"Give it back to me!!"

Even without using a mirror to look at my face, I can clearly know that my face is extremely pale at this moment. I unconsciously clenched the hand of Azhi who came back to me, and gently He murmured, "...I'm sorry."

Sorry, I can't give you Mei back.

Because she was already dead, she died alone in the cold winter, in a dark alley, in the despair and pain of dystocia, and could never return to her hometown.

Even if she became a vengeful spirit, in order to help me take Aji away, Mei stayed in Tsushima's house forever and disappeared completely.

So, I can't return it to you.

Meiyue gasped violently, and sat down limply, unable to stand up even being supported by the people around her. Tears dripped from her eyes, fell down her cheeks to the ground, and disappeared easily.Meiyue looked at the ground blankly, and murmured weakly: "...Mei."

At that moment, a very strong sadness and pain surged from Mei's body, and it even made me think that it would not be strange to die because of excessive sadness at this moment.

In the end, it was Azhi who grabbed my hand and led me away.

The sun had completely set, and the whole world was sunk in bottomless darkness, not even a single star could be seen in the pitch-black night sky.

Due to the post-war economic decline, non-governmental organizations in some places have specially set up a kind of "camping hotel", and they can get tents temporarily borrowed by them for a small amount of money, and live in the places they have surrounded.Although the rudimentary is a bit rudimentary, it is cheap and safe. There will be special people watching the night, and some patrolmen will come to look around.

And Aji and I were walking in silence on the way to the camping hotel.

After walking for an unknown amount of time, Aji's immature voice broke the silence.He asked: "Since my daughter has been missing for several years, she should have been prepared for her death, right? Why did she make such a sad appearance until now?"

The words Azhi said seemed cruel and indifferent, but when I looked at him, I found that there was only a very pure confusion on Azhi's face.

He can judge what the other party will do with extraordinary acumen and intelligence, and he can also easily grasp the other party's psychology and lead it to the direction Azhi wants.

But Azhi, who is calm and rational, is always at a loss as to the real hidden emotions.He thought that he would never be able to truly understand "human beings".

I looked at him helplessly and said, "Isn't it only now that I made such a sad look? Presumably Mizuki has been worrying about Mei for the past few years, and she cried at night because of Mei."

Azhi raised his head and asked me: "Then why..."

"...Just pretending that nothing happened can pretend that the most important person is still living in this world, just separated from me at the two ends of the world." Looking at his immature and pale face, I Said in a soft voice like telling a bedtime story.

"Isn't it sad to be separated at the two ends of the world?" Aji asked even more confused.

"No." I shook my head and said, "It's just that...you can feel that the other person is still alive and living a good life, and you will also feel at ease and happy because the other person is living well."

If it wasn't because Mei asked me to go back to my hometown to say "I'm sorry" for her and her parents at the last moment, I'm afraid I wouldn't want to come back.

It may be a good choice to let Meiyue dream of waiting for her daughter to return.Is it really okay to let Mei Yue's dream be completely shattered like this, and fall into the pain and despair of her daughter's death?I can't help thinking.

"I can't understand." Azhi shook his head and said.

I reached out and rubbed his head helplessly, and said, "It's normal to not understand."

"It's just that human beings are very fragile, and sometimes they need to rely on some beliefs or psychological comfort to survive in the world."

"It's so stupid." Aji sighed.

"Yeah, it's really stupid." I said sadly, "It's just that if you don't, you won't be able to live on."

Dark clouds shrouded the moon, and Azhi raised his head and looked at the sky with his dark eyes, saying, "Living is really a painful thing."

"Well." I said, "Even I can't deny this. Living itself is struggling in pain. Pain is always deeper than happiness, and it can easily shatter a person's heart. It makes people fall into a deeper abyss until they die completely."

"But even so..."

I looked at Azhi and said with a smile: "But even so, I'm still very glad that I can live."

"It is because I survived that I was able to meet you, Azhi."

"Even with this memory alone, no matter what kind of painful things I encounter in the future, I still feel that it is really great that I can survive."

I squatted down, stared at Azhi closely with my own eyes, stretched out my hand to hold his hand, and said with a soft expression: "No matter how long we have been apart, no matter how far apart, even if we are separated by two ends of the world Well, the hearts of mother and Azhi are also connected."

His hand was small and cool, but when I grabbed it, I felt as if I had gained great strength and faith.

I stretched out my little finger and said to him with a smile, "Pull hook?"

Azhi looked at me quietly for a long, long time, so long that I thought he would not reach out, Azhi stretched out his little finger, put it on my little finger, nodded and said, "pull the hook."