[Wen Ye] Do caged birds dream of butterflies?

Xiao Tomie, do you think that life is meaningful? "

You are so cold that you can barely stand.Intense fear roared like a tsunami, easily engulfing you.Every breath felt like a struggle.

"I--"

"No, needless to say." He put down the gun suddenly and lightly, and his smile changed back to a relaxed and happy look, and his movements were as crisp as if everything just now was your illusion. "I probably know what you're going to say. It's getting late, let's go."

He reaches out to you.You held onto it, but didn't move.

"Little Tomie?"

"It makes sense." You said, looking up into his eyes, trying to breathe steadily.He didn't dare to use any force while holding his fingers, just like holding a handful of fine sand.

"Even if you knew, I would say it. No matter how many times, I will say it. I can't give you the answer you want. Because in my opinion, the meaning of life, or the meaning of life, is that only you You have to find something to understand. Maybe someone can, like you did with Akutagawa Ryunosuke. But I can't."

You took a deep breath and forced yourself to continue.

--He succeeded.

"Because before I met you, I didn't have an answer. I don't know any other answers except you. The meaning of my existence is you, and the meaning of my life is only you. Even if I say it ten million times, I will never will change. Because I am made of nothing but love for you."

——Even if you know why he did this, you are still so frightened that your heart hurts.

"A lively smile is good. A thoughtful disguise is also great. A calm expression is very beautiful. Cold eyes are also handsome. As long as it is Dazai-san, anything is fine. There is no need to change, and there is no need to accommodate. Dazai-san, as long as he is Dazai That's fine sir."

——As expected, Dazai-sensei.

"I love you, and I will always love you forever!"

You tried hard to show a smile, but tears fell, "So, please, just for now, just for now, don't go where I can't go when I'm not ready!"

***

People understand sorrow only after they understand joy.After people have happiness, they will be afraid of losing it.

—You still respect his ideas.Choose to live or die, this is something he can decide for himself.

——But you who have never "possessed" anything except love for him, the moment you saw him, you began to understand the fear of "losing".

***

The girl's face was pale, and Dazai Osamu's hand was held by her, and she could clearly feel her trembling like a convulsion.It's PTSD, he thought calmly, everything is as expected, it's very easy to break her closed loop.Just one simple scene is enough to terrify his little monsters.Because she was actually so afraid of him disappearing from her eyes, afraid of his death, afraid of sadness and heartbreak, holding him like a life-saving straw.

— how pitiful.She was no longer as gentle and quiet as usual.

But even so, the depths of her black eyes that were wet with tears also surged with intense joy at the same time.

As expected of his little monster.

Osamu Dazai laughed, he took the girl's hand behind his back, and embraced her in his arms.The girl immediately hugged him tightly, her fingers tightly clutching the cloth behind his back.

So the unbelievably thick love entangled again, thick and thick, as salty as blood, but as sweet as honey, just like every hug before, those twisted but pure love passed through the skin of contact , The tide spread up like a wave, trying to wrap him, submerge him, and sink him completely.

This time, he let himself sink.Those who didn't struggle at all, just like every time they entered the water, let the water flow cover their vision and submerge their mouth and nose.

But unlike an icy river or a salty ocean, her love didn't take his breath away.On the contrary, his dry and desolate chest seemed to be soaked.The suffocation and coldness that had existed until just now eased up, the malicious whispers echoing in his ears were blocked, and even his stagnant heartbeat became stable again.

It was like closing your eyes and curling up your body, returning to the dark, warm and safe amniotic fluid.

"...My Mr. Dazai, you have always been the only one."

"I know."

"Scared me……"

"sorry."

"...You still say I'm cunning, but it's Mr. Dazai who is obviously cunning."

"Huh? Am I wrong?" The young man laughed, and gently stroked the long hair of the girl in his arms with one hand.

"...At least it's true, half a catty." The girl whispered coquettishly, her body was still trembling, but there was already a smile in her voice.

"I really love you." After a while, she whispered.

"Well, I know."

Osamu Dazai replied, just like every time in the study room with thick curtains, he hugged her and heard the interlacing of shallow breaths.The heartbeats of the two people with different frequencies overlapped, like the sound of a quartz clock running seconds.

So standard, so regular, so peaceful.

——This is the only place where he can get a moment of respite in his dream of this decaying world.

"I know. So, just drown me like this, little Tomie." He leaned his head on her shoulder and said softly, as if describing a sweet fantasy, "Before I really wake up, use your His love has drowned me here, and I can't go anywhere."

17

17

You hummed a song and put on your newly bought bracelet. A small lapis lazuli hexagram hangs on a thin silver metal chain.Under the bright light of the study room, in the dark blue color, tiny stars are shining.You squinted your eyes for a moment, then couldn't help but laugh.

***

When the hot water in the bathtub was completely cool, Osamu Dazai suddenly opened his eyes, stretched out his hand and pulled them out forcefully, leaned half of his body against the wall of the bathtub, and coughed loudly.

The water choked into the respiratory tract was forced out by the body's instinct, and a burning pain spread from the lungs to the throat.The young man was drenched all over, his black hair was stuck to his forehead, and he was in a panic.

But he laughed.

In the suffocating hallucination just now, he seemed to see his little bird.A bird with feathers as dark as night living in a transparent glass cage.He watched the little bird chirping happily. There was a thin chain, one end of which bound the bird's wings, and the other end was wrapped around his fingers.

So he said to himself, wait a little longer.Just wait a little longer.

Otherwise, his little bird will cry again.

***

//Cowards are afraid of happiness, they will be hurt when they touch cotton, and sometimes they are hurt by happiness. //

// If violent ecstasy can be avoided, there will naturally be no grief. //

However, if you already know happiness, you have met ecstasy, you have already fallen in love.

——Then you can only do your best to let him/her reach out first and grab you firmly.

***

"So, Dazai-san, do you love me?"

"Ah."

"It's not um, you also want to love me very much."

"……OK."

***

In this way, you and Dazai-sensei fell in love.

You and Dazai-sensei - what a beautiful word, it's like a miracle.The game that you and he knew well for four years finally turned into a wonderful win-win situation.

Every day since that moonlit night has suddenly been rosy.Except for you who know each other best, who would have thought that two cowards would be so sticky and sweet when they fell in love.

In Dazai-sensei's words, you have already wasted enough time.

"I want to do something with Xiao Fu Jiang that only lovers can do." His forehead was against yours, and there was a soft and tender light in his iris-colored eyes.

No one can refuse such Dazai-sensei, at least you can't at all.

And, you don't want to say no at all.

You kiss between the bookshelves.His low panting spread on your chest, and his teeth left fine and continuous red marks on your collarbone, like a circle of chains branded on the skin.You put your fingers in his hair, rubbing your bare thighs against the fabric of the trousers, making a small nasal sound amidst the sweet trembling.Osamu Dazai, who is finally willing to lock you in his arms, seems to have suffered from skin hunger overnight.In order to come to you, he not only lost more work to Chuya Nakahara, but even more so, as long as he is around, he will not allow you to leave his sight for a minute.Even if you are taking a bath, he will sit by the bathtub and hold your hand. Sometimes you wet his bandage with water deliberately, and he can kiss your fingers with a smile without being angry at all.

He suddenly began to be obedient to you.If it weren't for [Disqualification in the World], it would make you feel that he was brainwashed by "traits"-of course, this sentence is just nonsense, you know it better than anyone else, this is the way you confirm each other's existence.

"If you want, hold on to me."

"Then you also want to love me more."

He likes to hold you in his arms and kiss until you lose consciousness, because at this time you will subconsciously grab his clothes or hug his neck tightly.And you love to tie his hands with a tie, press him on the bed, unwrap the bandages on his body like a gift, and slowly kiss the pale skin covered under the fabric.Then he looked at the pair of iris-colored eyes that reflected your shadow, the watery light of love gradually appeared, he panted lowly, the end of his eyes was stained with beautiful red marks, the voice calling your name, sweet It's like honey.

"...Little Tomie..."

"Call