The Swan Bay Murders

Maybe it's me who deserves to be damned.

The medical report in Berlin was like a thunderbolt that woke me up from my fantasy. At that moment, it felt like numbness from the top of my head to my fingertips, and my back was instantly soaked in cold sweat.

I snatched the paper from his brother, stared at the line, and slapped myself hard.

It hurts, it's really not a dream, I don't have dizziness, Berlin is indeed infected with HIV.

What does this mean?

I am too lazy to think about it.

I have been with him for five years, and he knows my hidden disease very well, so the most we can do is hug.

But he has AIDS.

I think of the past, he always liked to hug me and say how much he loves me, not just me, the table lamps, sofas, curtains and air conditioners at home have overheard those sweet words countless times, surrounded by his love. Day and night at this moment have become the notes of mourning songs, scrambling to laugh at me.

Maybe I shouldn't expect a loyal love, because people like me are not qualified at all.

So, at this point, I am the one who was wrong, and the one who killed Berlin was actually me.

It was I who couldn't satisfy him and let him get lost in the outside world. I was immersed in the beautiful fantasy we woven by myself, but he struggled hard and then fell into the abyss.

If it wasn't for me, he would have met another lover, had a healthy relationship, they could hug, they could kiss, they could have sex, and then, like we had planned, a lifelong relationship.

It's my fault, I shouldn't dream of love, I shouldn't break into his life.

But I knew it was my fault, but I still resented him a little, because the person I trusted the most lied to me.

From the first day we were together, I was ready for him to break up at any time. I waited for five years and prepared carefully for five years. He didn't say it, but the result was even more cruel.

The original five years of love has made me grateful enough, grateful to life for allowing me to meet such a person, pull me, and work hard to love our life.

No one knows what kind of life I lived in the past. Every day I think about how I should die. I dare not love others, and I dare not accept the love of others. In those years, I lived alone, forever Restrain yourself so that the young heart will not be disturbed by anyone.

I once liked someone else, a boy who played basketball very well. During physical education class, I sat under a big tree with a book in my arms. Watch him play.

From the beginning to the end of that secret love, no one other than me knew about it, because I didn't dare.

I am not qualified to fall in love with others.

No matter how much you love someone, it's a torture to yourself if you feel sick at the thought of having sex with that person.

I have always been negative. Some people may not be able to understand that they cannot have sex. There is nothing to be hypocritical about.

It's not just about not being able to have sex, it's about not being able to love.

Until I met Berlin.

I didn't really believe his promise at first, I just wanted to try it, because he was really sincere, and I really loved him.

I learned cooking skills and worked hard for him, and even waking up early on weekends to cook a glass of milk for him has become my favorite thing.

He often works overtime, and I sometimes go to the 24-hour coffee shop opposite his company to wait for him after work. Two days I would sit there late into the night.

I don't feel tired, and I even feel very happy.

Waiting for my lover to get off work is the most satisfying feeling for me.

But he betrayed me.

The man I have always regarded as my savior gave me a loud slap in the face after his death. He told me not to believe in any weak promises and not to have too much confidence in a man's desire.

I know I shouldn't be like this, but I really can't stand up, so I can only squat here and bury my head in my arms.

Sadness is greater than death, this is what Xing Bolin taught me.

Xu Zhao sent me back to the hotel.

He was trying to find topics along the way, first asking me if I was cold, and then asking me if I was hungry.

Xu Zhao is always like this, no matter what I look like, he tries to play the role of a family member.

But he is not my family, just my old neighbor.

I met him when I was five years old and he was eight years old.

We kept in touch for more than 20 years. When he was in the police academy, he always sneaked out to see me, took me to eat supper in the middle of the night, and took me to stay in a small hotel that cost 20 yuan a night when he couldn't go back to school.

He said he regarded me as his own younger brother and forced me to call him elder brother.

He has always been very opposed to my being with Berlin, and because of this, I had a big fight with him.

I still remember our conversation at that time, he said that no one can make me happy, only he will be with me for the rest of my life.

But I firmly said: "Xu Zhao, don't be so self-righteous, who do you think you are to me, why can you dictate my love!"

I was out of breath at the time, and later apologized to him, but he didn't say anything, and he was still as good to me, but we never mentioned my relationship again.

Xu Zhao said that I can move back after the case is closed in a few days.

He still looked the same, expressionless, squatted next to me and smoked a cigarette, and left alone.

I don't want to move back, that place will only make me more miserable.

At the beginning, the two of us were looking for a house together. We each got a hamburger after get off work at night, and then took the bus to look around. We had to consider whether it was convenient to go to work and how the surrounding environment was. We were both very lazy, and we didn’t want to move when we lived in one place, so we had to be stable. , can live long.

Finally, we rented this house in Swan Bay. It is a one-bedroom duplex. The house is not big. When we moved in, it was empty. Now we bought all the household facilities in it by ourselves.

From an empty house to a warm home, those fifty square meters are filled with our love.

Now that Berlin is dead, there is such a medical report in front of me, how can I still live there.

The lights in the hotel corridor were on and off, and I was sitting on the carpet at the door, not knowing why I had to sit here even though I had the key card for the room next door.

This room belongs to Brother Berlin. I don't know if he is there, but I just want to take a rest.

Surrounded by the smell of cigarettes left by Xu Zhao, I have never smoked, but now I want to light one.

I don't know how long I sat there, someone came out of the elevator.

I looked up and saw a gaunt man.

I think, if there were no such bad things, this person should be shuttling gracefully in a high-end office building. The sunlight hits him through the glass, and the aura of elites is admirable.

It's just a pity that he is now as distraught and depressed as I am.

My legs were a little numb, and I stood up while leaning against the warm walls of the hotel.

He opened the door without saying anything, and I followed in on my own initiative.

The snow fell harder and harder, and I smoked a whole pack of cigarettes.

I sat in front of that French window with my brother in Berlin, and the room was filled with smoke.

At first, I still had a dry cough, but later on, I felt a little dizzy, but I was able to adapt.

In fact, we still need some wine. I seldom drink, but now I feel itchy.

I finally understand why people like to drink and smoke when they are depressed. Maybe it’s more than that. People just like to hurt themselves when facing the chaotic world. It’s probably a kind of self-abuse.

For example, I also want to get a tattoo.

I tattooed the words on the Berlin medical examination report on my skin. The pain during the tattooing process may make me sober. After many years, when the pain gradually disappears, I can still remind myself every time I see it. For a moment, don't try to love again.

I don't know when I started crying again, it probably started when the cigarettes were all smoked.

It turns out that you can get drunk even if you don’t drink, just like me now.

I kept apologizing to Brother Bai Chuan. Although I blamed Berlin for his betrayal, I regretted my original decision even more.

After all, it was I who killed him.

If I could go back in time, I would definitely not accept his confession, be more ruthless, and he will live a happier life.

Love this thing, it's so frustrating.

It would be great if people could choose whether to activate a certain emotional program when they were born, then I must choose to turn off the option of "love", because I really shouldn't harm others or myself.

I can't forgive Xing Bolin, let alone myself.

I was greedy for momentary gratification, and for shameful selfish desires, I killed an innocent person.

It was I who made Berlin like this, it was I who forced him to death.

Brother Bai Chuan went to the bathroom to wash his face, I heard the sound of rushing water.

The balcony of the hotel is open-air, and the balcony outside the sliding door has already fallen thickly with snow.

I opened the door and stepped into the snow with only socks on. The coolness penetrated from the soles of my feet and quickly chilled my whole body.

This room is on the 27th floor. I stood on the edge of the balcony and looked down.

What would happen if I jumped off now?

It will bloom into a bright red flower on this clean snow.