The Swan Bay Murders

I am very tired, but very happy.

The last time I laughed out loud seemed like a long time ago, at least, three or four months ago.

Before Berlin passed away, we had never joked so happily. At this moment, Brother Bai Chuan and I squeezed out of the crowd, sweating profusely, as if all the troubles and embarrassments had flowed away with the sweat.

We sat in the bar for a while, smoked our cigarettes, finished our drinks, and left that noisy fantasy world.

"I seem to have tinnitus." I rubbed my ears and looked at him with a smile.

Brother Bai Chuan did the same, he shook his head and said with a smile, "What did you say?"

We laughed again, laughed for a long time, and finally calmed down.

In fact, it will be even more empty after the excitement.

That singing and dancing does not belong to us, nor do we belong to it.

Returning to reality, I am still a poor guy who lost his lover, and Brother Bai Chuan is still a good brother who lost his younger brother.

We leaned against the wall outside the bar, not speaking to each other, watching the men and women passing by.

I don't know how long it took, but I got a little sleepy and asked him, "Go back?"

He nodded, lifted his foot one step ahead of me, and walked in front of me.

My alcohol has picked up a bit. I drank too much before, but in fact, I also meant to use alcohol to relieve my sorrow.

I've never been really drunk, just like I used to like to smoke when I don't understand why people are upset.

I really want to experience a drunkenness, maybe it will be extremely embarrassing to wake up the next day, but at least it can be happy for a while.

I suddenly remembered the letter from Berlin. He said that he betrayed me by drinking and having sex.

Can a person who has been drinking be irresponsible for his actions?

Could it also be understood that after drinking and saying that he was drunk, he could do whatever he wanted?

My brain is a little messed up, I know I shouldn't continue to think about it, but I can't stop.

I thought of Berlin, the state of his death, the way he looked at me with a smile on his face, the way he held the promises I had made so many vague promises, and then I also thought that he hugged others in his arms drunkenly, Then fell on our bed.

I can't continue to think about it anymore, I finally got better, and I must not repeat the same mistakes.

I told myself this over and over again in my heart, but as soon as I got back to the room, I rushed to the bathroom and threw up.

My mind was full of scenes of Berlin crushing other people having sex, in our bed, intense and shameful.

My brain didn't listen to me anymore, until I spit out the bitter water and a glass of water was handed to me.

I looked up and that face broke me.

I overturned the water glass with my backhand, and hid back in a panic, crying uncontrollably while saying: "I hate you, Xing Bailin, get out of here!"

I yelled this sentence with great strength, my mind was not clear, and my whole body was light.

Before I fell down, all I remembered was the furrowed brows of the person opposite, and then I wanted to apologize, because at this moment I realized that it was not Berlin, but Brother Bai Chuan who was very kind to me.

When I woke up, it was already daylight, and the sunlight streaming in through the thin curtains made me squint my eyes.

"Jiang Luo, how do you feel?"

I followed the sound and saw that it was the aunt in pajamas wrapped in a blanket. She pulled up a chair and sat by the bed. She stood up and patted the uncle who was sleeping next to her.

Looking at her worried look, I knew that I had made a mistake again. I really didn't understand why I was like this. The more I didn't want to cause trouble for them, the more trouble I would have.

My nose is sore, but I can't cry any more. It's useless and embarrassing, and it will cause them to suffer along with me.

I made up my mind not to drink anymore.

I have an impression of what happened last night, but at that time the alcohol messed up my mind, and I squinted my eyes, and suddenly felt that Berlin was beside me.

But I also have to admit that the sentence I yelled out through Jiu Jin is indeed what I want to say most in my heart.

I am guilty, I owe, I suffer, I am sad.

I also resent.

I can't wait to quarrel with him face to face and ask him what he was thinking when he betrayed me.

Because of him, all my love and devotion have become a joke, why can't I blame him.

Every day in my heart I vacillate between forgiveness and hatred, and I even feel sorry for my uncles, aunts and brother Bai Chuan because of my resentment towards Berlin.

No one knew what was on my shoulders, and I was literally crushed.

But I can't really break down because I want to reassure them.

Maybe family really transforms people. I believe that after getting along with them for a long time, all my resentment will disappear, and one day I will even be grateful to Berlin. Because of him, I have the opportunity to meet such a warm home.

Uncle also stood up and looked at me nervously, patted my shoulder and said, "I'll get you a cup of hot water."

I quickly sat up, wanting to say I don’t bother him, I can go by myself, but the auntie took my hand and said worriedly: “You drank too much last night, do you have a headache now?”

I shook my head quickly: "It doesn't hurt, I'm fine."

Uncle brought water: "Be careful, the water is a little hot."

I thanked you, took the warm water glass, and said very embarrassedly: "I'm sorry for making you worry, is it because I didn't sleep well last night?"

My aunt stroked my hair, and said very gently: "Silly boy, you almost scared us to death."

I felt even more guilty, I lowered my head and dared not look at her.

"I've already scolded Bai Chuan. I took you to drink even though I knew you had a bad stomach. Don't you both smoke less?" the aunt said unhappily, "You young people, none of you pay attention For your own body, take the doctor's words as a deaf ear, and you will regret it when you get old!"

The water in the cup steamed and wet my eyes.

I suddenly wanted to hold my aunt and cry, just like holding my mother back then.

There was movement outside, and the uncle said: "It is estimated that Bai Chuan is back, Jiang Luo, drink some hot water to warm your stomach first, and I will go and see what he bought."

After the uncle left the room, the aunt sat on the chair beside the bed and said earnestly, "Jiang Luo, you still blame Berlin, right?"

I shook my head quickly: "No..."

"How can it be possible not to complain? Don't look at Auntie who doesn't ask or tell, but your uncle and I know exactly what's going on." She looked at me, and that look reminded me of my mother, "Auntie, don't you?" I blame you for resenting him, but I blame you for not speaking up. No matter what happens, just tell us, as a big family, we can overcome any difficulties, right?"

After she said this, I couldn't control it at all, and the tears started to fall again.

I haven't cried in the past two months, I didn't expect to be so unpromising now.

"Auntie," I looked at the water in the glass, choked up and said, "I don't even know how to repay you for being so kind to me."

"It's really stupid to say you're stupid." The aunt wiped my face with a tissue, as if treating a child, "Bai Chuan told you, you are already a member of our family, and you are my son. The mother and son said What repayment, are you trying to make me angry?"

I don't know how I can meet them. Maybe God has pity on me for the past 20 years. My life is too bad, and things will be reversed. Now I have sent such warm people to my side.

I was so moved that I couldn't be more moved, and I really wished I could stick by their side for the rest of my life.

The drunken night was an episode of our stay in the Arctic Village, because we couldn’t see the Northern Lights and it was too cold here, we planned to depart from the Arctic Village on the afternoon of New Year’s Day and start our return voyage.

Before that, of course, prepare for the New Year's Eve.

In the past, on December 12, I was either with Berlin or I was alone at home.

This year, I have more family members around me, even if it is freezing cold, I don’t feel cold.

In the evening, the nagging tour guide took us to the square, where the preparations for the bonfire party had already begun, the firewood was piled up into a hill, and the chairs were arranged in rows.

Not far away, some local middle-aged and elderly people were singing and dancing. As soon as we arrived, our uncles and aunts were dragged away by them. Brother Bai Chuan and I wanted to follow, but they didn’t let us participate at all.

The two of us had no choice but to go for a casual stroll first.

A stage was set up in the center of the square, and it is said that there will be performances later.

I was not interested in these at first, but because this year is a little different from the past, I suddenly looked forward to it.

The bonfire party started at eight o'clock, and we had already eaten and drank enough at that time. Watching these people singing, dancing, and having fun, we really didn't feel the chill.

Brother Bai Chuan was worried about my health, and even brought out a blanket on purpose. I saw that it was inconvenient for him to do anything because of that guy, and he always attracted attention, so I told him to find a corner and sit down.

The blanket is so big that it can be used as a cushion and can be pulled over to cover your legs.

We avoided the crowd and chatted casually.

"I'm really sorry last night." I don't really want to bring up what happened last night. After all, he mistook him for Berlin, which is not a good thing for us.

"It's okay." His tone was flat, without any emotion.

I was silent for a while, and then said: "I woke up my uncle and aunt, right?"

"Yes." He turned around and smiled, and said to me, "I really dare not let you drink with your wine in the future."

I lowered my head in embarrassment, staring at the stage in the distance in a daze.

There was a girl dancing on it, I couldn't see how it was dancing, but the atmosphere in the audience was very hot.

"Is it cold?" Brother Bai Chuan asked me suddenly.

"It's okay." I said, "It's a good thing you brought a blanket, otherwise you wouldn't dare to sit down when you were tired from walking."

He smiled, opened his mouth and exhaled forcefully, and said, "I feel like when I speak, what I spit out is ice balls."

I was amused by him, he is such a person, he often makes people feel that he is not a small boss who works hard to start a business, but he is obviously a big boy who likes to joke.

But he is not a big boy, he will soon be thirty.

I looked at the flickering stars in the distance, and suddenly thought that Berlin will always stay at the age of 29.

The year of thirties has not yet arrived.