The Swan Bay Murders

The moment I saw his dead body, I thought I probably really experienced what despair is.

The surroundings were full of bloody smell, red flowers bloomed on the white walls, and the newly purchased carpet seemed to be sprinkled with the red wine he loved. His face and his body became my long-term nightmare at that moment.

Xing Bolin, these three words alone mean a lot to me.

He is my lover, or rather, I prefer to call him my savior.

In this world, besides my mother, he is probably the only one who loves and tolerates me unreservedly.

But this man died, frozen and frozen in this house where we had lived for over a year, with his words and his warm embrace.

I could only stand at the door, feeling as if a knife had been stabbed in my heart, the saber that was stuck deep in his abdomen, ruthlessly pierced into his heart, and made another mess.

I don't know when the thing in my hand fell off. When I looked down, the apple wrapped in pesticide and waiting for me to wash it and feed it to my lover rolled into a pool of blood.

more red.

I seem to hear the sound of bleeding, tick tock, the warm red blood hitting the ground and slowly cooling down, making this autumn even more unbearable.

I was still standing at the door when the police came, and I couldn’t do anything or think about those uniformed people with gloves and shoe covers running around my house and Berlin’s.

Xu Zhao also came. He stood beside me without saying anything, watching the nightmarish scene with me.

My lover is two years older than me. He just celebrated his 29th birthday last month and said he will give me a surprise next year.

Now it seems that in this life I will never know what that surprise was.

We have known each other for ten years and have been in love for five years.

No one knows how much courage it took me to take that step and decide to be together. This is not an ordinary love, nor an ordinary same-sex love. At that time, I was always hesitant, just because I was afraid that I would not be able to meet his needs. .

I have a hidden disease that I don't want to face, and it may accompany me for the rest of my life, from the time I become a man to the time I die.

I can't just drag others to suffer with me.

I am a patient of sexual aversion, which is different from frigidity, and even more different from low libido. If it is the two, I think I still have a chance to try to change, but sexual aversion, as long as I think of getting close to people and caressing each other Almost nauseated.

Can you feel that feeling?When the lover is slowly approaching, with his innocent heart, but you are trembling, collapsing, and just want to escape.

No one is willing to accept such a lover, a person who says "I love you" but always does the opposite in action, how can you believe that he loves you?

I know that I can't do anything, so I have been avoiding for a long time.

But that time, I peeled off the thick and fake shell and showed my true self to Berlin.

When I told him this matter in a flat tone, the man sitting in front of me was stunned for a moment, and then fell silent.

I can still clearly remember that it was Saturday, the weather in the early summer season was unbelievably good, the willows on the roadside were swinging in the wind, relaxed and at ease, but my mood was exactly the opposite. During the few minutes of the other party's silence, The sweat on my back soaked my T-shirt.

In fact, we didn’t talk about it that day. Seeing the weather was good in the morning, the two of us met to go to the bookstore. After we came out, it happened to be lunch time, so we went to the nearby KFC and ate a hamburger each, which was very satisfying.

I accidentally dipped my hand in ketchup. He wiped my hand with a helpless smile, looked down at my fingers, and once again proposed to fall in love with me as if he was casually asking if he wanted another hamburger.

I love him, I think.

At least it was then.

At that time, Xing Bailin was an excellent senior in my eyes, a caring brother, and a rare person I was willing to get close to.

I fell in love with him on a rainy day. Our two companies are very close to each other. Before we got off work, there was a sudden heavy rain. He stood on the 26th floor and took pictures of the rain outside the window to show me. I just walked downstairs to his company with an umbrella. Looking up, the rain was hitting my face, and I couldn't see him on the 26th floor, but at that moment, for some reason, I seemed to see him again.

There was the sound of rain hitting the ground and umbrellas in my ears, drowning out the noise of the business district on weekdays.

But at that moment, clearer than the sound of the rain was my inner voice, I told myself that I fell in love with him.

I have been thinking about my illness for a long time, even when he said he likes me for the first time.

I'm curious about his reaction, what would someone like him, who is always warm, know about this.

Maybe he won't believe it, maybe he'll be scared away, but it's the right thing to say, I need a way, maybe go to him, maybe leave him.

Obviously, he believed it.

I watched him intently during the few minutes he was silent. This man was wearing an ordinary aqua blue denim shirt with the buttons unbuttoned. Inside was a clean white T-shirt. His sleeves were rolled up to his forearms, and his skin White, blue blood vessels are faintly visible under the skin.

He said, "What's the problem?"

I don't know what my expression was like at that time, but he smiled slightly, put his palm on the back of my hand and said: "That doesn't affect our love."

So, we are in this together.

When I held Berlin with my backhand, I didn't think about it in the longer term. It wasn't that I didn't want to, but I didn't dare. The relationship in the next five years has grown beyond my imagination.

From the day we were together, it was doomed to be a purely spiritual love, we couldn't even kiss, love to the depths, a hug and a thank you.

It's us who embrace, and it's me who say thank you.

I can't help but thank him. He let me know that I can fall in love like an ordinary person. He repeatedly told me that I don't need to feel guilty or owed. He said that he is completely willing.

But I couldn't do it. For five years, I was surrounded by love and indebtedness every day. I regarded him as a god. As long as he asked, I would do it even without his asking.

Our love is inherently unequal, and I am willing to bear this inequality, and I am willing to kneel down and look up at him. This may be a little sick, but I was not complete before I was with him. On the contrary, because of him, I I am more willing to live a good life.

Berlin's love saved me, but now, I don't know what killed him.

He's bleeding, he's not breathing.

I heard the sound of tree branches snapping outside, the sound of houses collapsing, and Xu Zhao telling me, "Jiang Luo, my condolences will change."