today's island

For the first 20 years of Cheng Mo's life, he seemed to be staying in place.

He rarely talked about his mother, gentle, independent, but insecure.

For as long as he can remember, he's lived the same life -- sent to kindergarten by his mother, left until it's dark and almost empty, and then picked up in a hurry by his mother.

When he was in elementary school, he also went to the school closest to his home.Walk to school during the day, attend classes honestly; leave school on time in the afternoon, and call my mother as soon as I get home.

He understood his situation very early on, his father was probably still alive and might come back to snatch him.

He is quite lucky, no children are interested in his family situation, he has good grades, even if someone wants to say that he has no father, they can't bully a child like him who likes the teacher.

But he is very sensitive by nature, even if he has not faced any accusations, he is still cautious.He is afraid of quarrels, and in order not to quarrel, he can bury his head in the sand.

It might be genetic, his mother is also a cautious person.

He never asked who his father was, and he always felt that once he asked, he couldn't coax his mother well.Besides, so what if he knew about it, it didn't do any good, and his mother would still fall into deep anxiety—afraid that he would go to find his father.

His mother is already very restless, trying to keep track of his movements anytime and anywhere, and only feels safe when she hears that he is at home.

He didn't think that his father was someone he could see on TV and newspapers, he only thought that time would smooth everything out, his mother was also very nice, and maybe he would meet other suitable people.

He doesn't mind having a new dad, and he doesn't even have to like him very much, as long as he likes his mother and everyone doesn't fight.

But he didn't express this feeling to his mother either, he didn't dare.He had heard the cry of his mother's sudden collapse. It was too difficult to take him alone, and it was normal to collapse.

In the end, he can only hope that he will grow up quickly.

This expectation came to an abrupt end when he was nine years old—winter vacation, when he was rarely free, his mother was in a good mood, and took him to travel abroad. Both introduced dead service areas.

There were dozens of people in a car, and only he, the culprit, survived.

His life had been quietly waiting, and now even the waiting had come to an end, and he began to circle in circles.

·

Cheng Song, he had heard this name in many places and knew that it was the mayor, so he thought he was here to condolences.

He doesn't need condolences, he needs blame beyond his guilt, needs to make him feel like he's been punished, but there's none.

The bombing in the service area was not his fault, but he himself desperately wanted retribution, even death.

His psychiatrist said that he had a strong sense of guilt, and he didn't know what was wrong. Shouldn't he feel panic and pain after killing a carload of people?

He provided the police with all the clues he could think of, so that those contents appeared repeatedly in the nightmare. In the end, the police still failed to catch the child, but suspected that he had mental problems.

The psychological intervention was not very successful, and later his father chatted with him again: "You don't obey the treatment like this, and you insist on cornering the corner. You are not atonement, but you are causing trouble for everyone."

This passage convinced him, and he calmed down. His mother said that he should not cause trouble to others.

He changed his living habits to adapt to the Cheng family's pace; he treated his elementary school textbooks again, from good, excellent to number one.

He was taken to various occasions, and carefully fulfilled his father's various instructions, from being shy from the inside out to being introverted, his father needed him to be a modest and outgoing young man, acting and acting It's not difficult anymore.

He is even more cooperative than his younger brother. His younger brother is less mature in his words, and he doesn't try hard except to be polite. He will say a few more words, looking like an older brother, like an illegitimate child who is completely integrated into the family.

But this did not end his life of causing trouble to others. He is the mayor's illegitimate son. Even if it was an accident of his parents' love and my wish, and was born quietly by his mother, he is also a huge stain in his father's political career. .

If Tang Bureau and the recorder at the time hadn't suppressed his transcript, only a few people knew the whole content, and his confession was exposed and made a fuss, his father might have problems.

His grandparents don't like him, his stepmother gets angry when he sees him, his father scoffs at his character of repeatedly worrying about meaningless things, his younger brother is still young, and only occasionally stands at the door of his bedroom to look at him.

He can only comfort himself that the situation under the fence is similar, it will be fine, it will be fine.

……

He's stagnant, and of course he's not going to get better.

It is forbidden to knock on the door of his father's study, and it is forbidden to even approach at will; his stepmother does not want to see him, and basically does not appear in the same space as him; his brother gets along well with him, but he also likes to close the door and pretend It looks like an adult.

So his range of activities is not too much, most of the time he is confined to his room, listening to the noise outside the door.

Even if he opened the door, the other doors were closed, and only faint thoughts came from all directions.

Sometimes it was his stepmother who complained to his father because of him, sometimes it was his stepmother who asked his brother to stay away from him, sometimes it was his parents who quarreled about their respective work matters, and sometimes it was his father who talked to his brother.

Over time, these voices seemed to come for him, and he could hear them even when he covered himself with the quilt.

He really wished he couldn't hear it, it wouldn't be inconvenient if he couldn't hear it, but he could stop talking about the scene and just smile.If you can't hear anything, you can do nothing, and you can gain sympathy and tolerance from others, or you can pretend that you didn't hear anything, and don't solve the problem.

It's a pity that he can hear, and his hearing is very good.

The most frightening thing is that with the gradual strengthening of his gender consciousness, he realized that he likes men.

There is hope for recovery from guilt and neuroticism, but the "problem" of orientation really cannot be forced.Many diseases are entangled together, and there is no cure.

At the age of 13, he talked to Dr. Duan for a while. After Dr. Duan asked for his opinion, he called his father. His father didn't say anything at the time, and went back to chat with him alone for half an hour.

"I'm very busy, and it's true that there is no air traffic control for you, but I didn't expect that Yan was killed by the government and the Public Security Bureau, and you are still caught in the accident a few years ago." His father looked at him disappointedly, "Can you leave? Come out, no one else can help you."

He nodded, agreeing with his father.

"Your mother doesn't like you very much, but you have to admit that she never thought of driving you away, she just said it casually, because you can't listen to it casually, and you don't have the courage to communicate with her." His father continued Point out his weakness.

He nodded, he was indeed wrong, he only pursued peace and harmony, and never thought of taking the initiative to work hard to be a son beyond blood.

"As for your orientation, I can't get it back, but I firmly oppose it. It is impossible for you to make it public. I hope you don't cause me trouble." At this point, his father became serious, stood up against the table, and talked directly to him Looking at each other, "I can't make you public, remember?"

Although he didn't live happily, he never felt that he would be thrown out. Only this time, he seemed to be completely abandoned.

"What if..." he considered his words, "what if I can't get rid of these problems?"

"You just don't want to, nothing will get better." His father looked at him disdainfully, "I'm really disappointed in you, I thought you would improve a little over the years."

Without giving him a chance to speak, his father added another sentence: "Doctor Duan said that you have suicidal tendencies, and I will tell you in advance, I have been kind to you in nurturing you, I hope you don't cheat me like this."

"What if..." He clenched his fists and changed the question, "What if I didn't kill myself?"

"Huh?" His father frowned and looked at him suspiciously.

"What if I...have an accident, or do some dangerous work?" he asked.

His father was silent for a moment, raised his eyebrows meaningfully and looked at him, before speaking after a long time: "You would rather carefully design your own death than face reality?"

He bowed his head and didn't answer.

In the end, his father suggested: "Why don't you become a policeman? If you die bravely for the criminals, you will pay for those people back then."

So at the age of 13, he followed the crowd and had a wish to die quickly.

His life is like a dry well, either no one cares about it, or more garbage falls into it.

·

After reaching such an agreement with his father, his mood was more stable than before.Although I still need to light a lamp at night to ensure that I am not at the scene of the nine-year-old crime at any time, and although I can still hear a lot of messy voices, it seems that it is not so difficult when I think that I am preparing to die anyway.

All kinds of inexplicable depression and palpitations gradually recovered, his physical fitness became better and better, and he successfully got the admission notice.

At 17, he was sent abroad to study away from his family.Originally, education was only a stepping stone to the Public Security Bureau, but he was a drifter. The teacher kept him for further studies, and he finished his master's degree before returning to China.

The teacher over there liked his intelligence very much, but it was a pity that he could not stay.

As soon as he returned to China, he rented a house, which was very close to the Public Security Bureau and could be reached on foot.He had an accident on the bus, although the case happened when he was going to the bathroom, but it seems that he can't drive a good means of transportation.

His father didn't object to him moving out, and even helped him contact Tang Wen, who asked Tang Wen to place him in the task force investigating the banquet.He knows that his father wants him to face the banquet, but he has made up his mind, as long as he can catch someone, or save someone, and change his life for another, he can die.

Director Tang still remembered him, and was very happy when he heard that he was coming and read his resume.With a guilty conscience, he asked for the case investigated by the task force recently, and based on his own inference, he planned to try his luck.

He didn't intend to die at this time, he really wanted to experience the joy of catching the prisoner in advance.

He persistently went there in women's clothing for several days, and finally waited for the prisoner and Lu Yuanzhe.

The use of "wait" is very appropriate - when he was 17 years old, he saw Dr. Duan again before leaving for a foreign country.

Considering the general environment overseas, Dr. Duan made a bet with him. Since he really can't find any reason to live, he should try something that he would never try in the first place.Find a lover, you can't fall in love mentally, but you can experience it physically.

In the five years in the United States, he had never met such a heart-beating person, but when he met Lu Yuanzhe, his eyes lit up a little.

Maybe birds of a feather flock together and people are divided into groups. It's just a hazy feeling, and it just happens to be on one of the same kind.

It was like a light suddenly shining in a dry well. He didn't expect to be rescued at that time, but he wanted to stretch out his hands and feel it.

·

The banquet is over, and Cheng Mo hasn't returned to Cheng's house for a long time.

The last time I came back was the first day of the new year. At that time, Wen Jing still wanted to get information from him, and he was relatively welcome.Now that the case is over, I don't want to take the initiative to talk to him at all.

But today is the Mid-Autumn Festival, Cheng Li came back again, and told him to go home for dinner, so he had no choice but to come back.

In the past, there were four people eating, and now there are still four people - Cheng Song is still serving his sentence, but Lu Yuanzhe is added.

"Cheng Mo is fine, why are you here? Do you think our family welcomes you?" Wen Jing was angry when she saw that Cheng Mo had a boyfriend, and it was from the Public Security Bureau, which just added to her anger.

"Cengfan." Lu Yuanzhe replied confidently, and then smiled flatteringly, "It's Mid-Autumn Festival, you call Cheng Mo over here, don't I live alone?"

Originally thinking that there was going to be a quarrel, Cheng Mo bit his chopsticks nervously, but when they came back and forth, Wen Jing made a few detours for Lu Yuanzhe, and he didn't lose his temper in a daze.

Cheng Mo buried his head in his meal and listened in amazement, completely unable to understand how they could talk together.

He glanced at Cheng Yue who was opposite. Although Cheng Yue talked less and seemed not to care about anyone, he was still listening carefully, eating much slower than usual.

Of course, even if they could talk together, Wen Jing still didn't like Lu Yuanzhe, and drove them away after eating, and didn't want to look at them more.

He stood up quickly, but he didn't want to leave. He quickly took away other people's bowls and walked to the kitchen: "Let me wash the dishes..."

He can't look at himself from a third-person perspective, or it will feel like he has suddenly pressed fast forward.

Cheng Yue was stunned by this series of actions, and he glanced at Lu Yuanzhe in confusion.

Wen Jing was also taken aback, and it took him a long time to look back at the kitchen: "What are you doing? There is nothing wrong with being courteous? Is there something wrong with you?"

He didn't prepare himself mentally, so he washed the dishes quickly and went back to the living room.

He still wanted to "talk about it next time", but Lu Yuanzhe was winking at him, making him unable to run away.

"What the hell?" Wen Jing hated the way he hesitated to speak.

"Lamp... Cheng Li said that one of the light bulbs at home was broken, so I brought the light bulb along." He wanted to change the subject again.

"Forget it." Lu Yuanzhe knew that he was going to find all the excuses, he had already taken the lamp from his bag, and moved a stool to change the light bulb by himself, "You didn't even dry your hands to fix any lamps."

Unable to understand what kind of charade this is, Wen Jing blocked his way dissatisfiedly, glared at him and asked, "Speak up if you have something to say."

"I know that Cheng Yue is going abroad for a while to be an exchange student." He was stuck in the aisle between the kitchen and the dining room, and he finally managed to say, "He is jet-lagged and it's inconvenient to come and go. Go, I was thinking, if you have anything to do, Mom... you can also find me. "

He whispered what he meant, without raising his head, and Wen Jing didn't speak immediately, and squinted at him.

After being frozen for a few seconds, both Lu Yuanzhe and Cheng Li looked over.

"Do you think your father is away and your brother goes abroad, and I can't handle washing dishes and repairing light bulbs? Or is it a problem for basic necessities of life?" Wen Jing folded her arms and questioned him.

He doesn't know how to refute, many things are not so easy to resolve, even if he takes a step forward...

"I don't rely on your father to rely on your brother, let alone you." Wen Jing continued, but after saying this, she took a step back and let him out of the kitchen, "But I understand what you mean, I know gone."

When the meaning was reached, it counted. He came out of the kitchen and left after Lu Yuanzhe changed the light bulb.

Seeing that he didn't answer, Wen Jing came out and added: "Stop hawing and hawing at home, just tell me if you are dissatisfied, don't keep acting like you are under the fence, when did we treat you as an outsider?"

"Yeah." He nodded and saw Lu Yuanzhe talking to his brother.His brother didn't talk enough, and he could chat with Lu Yuanzhe a little bit.

Not only could they chat, but even though she said she disliked them, his mother did not disapprove of them coming back, and even told him to come back during the holidays, lest others say that the Cheng family didn't want him anymore.

After leaving the house, Lu Yuanzhe praised him for his progress, as long as he continues to work hard, he can always be an ordinary family member.

He felt that this was Lu Yuanzhe's strength. He got into the car together, closed the space, and with his inexhaustible hypocrisy, he said what was in his heart: "You are amazing, you have a halo, if my life is a well, you are Light."

"Is it sunlight or moonlight?" Lu Yuanzhe asked uncooperatively.

He didn't think about this question and was stunned.

Seeing that he was really thinking, Lu Yuanzhe laughed and rubbed his hair: "I'm not light, I'm hemp rope."

"Huh?" He didn't understand.

"It would be nice to pull you out of the well. There will be the sun, and there will be the moon." Lu Yuanzhe followed his imagination, "I'm a practical person, hemp rope is more suitable for me, you don't want me anymore, I I can still pester you."

The hemp rope is hemp rope, he took a light breath, and held Lu Yuanzhe's hand tightly: "I'm holding on tight."

He never thought that there would be a miracle in his life.