still in the mirror

The sky is billowing with billowing gray clouds, beneath the gray clouds are the black foothills, and the dark blue water is like the shadow of the mountains.The cannon fire of the British soldiers and the return fire from the warships all subsided, and the residents who escaped from Kowloon carried quilts on their backs and carried their children in their arms, running around, all seeking refuge at the homes of relatives and friends.

Li Chengwu stood by the window in the small building where foreign dignitaries were temporarily housed, looking at the panicked street. A mother and child were sitting in a rickshaw. The wife in a green cheongsam hugged a boy in a mandarin jacket and a white robe.

The boy nestled in the woman's arms, his pitiful appearance reminded Li Chengwu of Cong Fei, no matter how old the boy was, he would always look pitiful in front of him.

The monks in the temple strode across the street, their red-brown monk robes fluttering in the wind, and two cages of pigeons were released by a young monk. The golden Buddhist temple.

Li Chengwu saw a celestial god, who looked like a young man, living in an amber-golden kingdom, surrounded by clouds and fragrant flowers, swinging back and forth on a wisteria swing.He reached out and grabbed the boy's ankle, but immediately after, he fell from the clouds and landed on the mud full of battle pits.

This is the fate of bad virtue and evil, let alone him, who wastes a lot of good economics, is famous for binding the lock, gold and silver hate, only the root of wealth and wealth; there is a handsome body, the mouth is elegant, and the body is greedy for extravagance. Laughing at him, I once lamented my child's deep affection, but now I can't bear it; blame him, he is incompetent in teaching and raising, and disrespectful as a father or an old man; There are red marks on the white jade.

Li Chengwu raised his hand to touch it, his face was full of tears, his face was cold and painful. When others saw the red marks on his face before, they thought he had come back from the war zone.He suddenly turned around and went downstairs, stumbled and panicked, the stair poles creaked when he bumped into it, and the slag from the unstable roof fell down again, covered his head and body with dust, he hurriedly called the driver : "Send me to see Commander Liu! Go now!"

He wanted to see the child for the last time, no matter what, he loved, or at least loved, the child.

Looking for a lover with a foot shape similar to Cong Fei, not letting Cong Fei associate with mature and reliable people, even eating You Ling's jealousy, for many years, he has been trapped in absurd pain.He is not a gentleman of integrity, he understands, he pretends to be confused, but in the river of mortals, there are so many appearances, hiding his true body, who is not absurd, and who is not pretending to be confused?

Li Chengwu was sitting in the car, his mind was in a mess, he took out his pocket watch from his pocket, and there was a photo of his children in it, which was taken in the Beiping Retreat Garden. Only children laugh.

He stroked Cong Fei's face in the photo with his thumb, a warm and sweet feeling covered his whole body, his gums and muscles were sore, he slammed on the lid as if it had been scalded, and turned his face away, Weep again with tears in my eyes.

After crossing the entire island and arriving at the place, he first pretended to explain a few words to head Liu, and the head thought he was worried about his children and said goodbye before asking.But he said that he would not go to see them, it would only cause sadness, and he hoped to take a look at them from a distance.So he stood by the window again, drew back the curtain, and looked at the

The child was already a young man, wearing an old loose brown shirt, You Ling was counting his younger brother's unnecessary luggage, he stood there with his waist in his arms, he should have rolled his eyes.

Li Chengwu thought, that child's behavior is sometimes so delicate and effeminate.Just as he was thinking about it, he saw that the "unnecessary" things he brought were various gifts from himself, those that were not expensive and not easy to carry.Finally Cong Fei sighed and discarded them, only took a very old brass binoculars.Li Chengwu's heart was pounding, his throat tightened, almost choking.

At this time, Qingyu came with rattan boxes in both hands, and Cong Fei stepped forward, and naturally took the rattan boxes and carried them to the truck. A soldier came and handed him a rifle. With his back on his back, he really knows how to shoot a gun, and he practiced it in Chongqing.

Li Chengwu thought, this is his masculinity, he has really grown up, not because he is used to it, but because of years of wars and avoiding chaos.

Head Liu came over to the window and said with emotion, those ordinary families, how many parents and children escaped, were scattered in two places, and they might not be able to find them for a lifetime.

The sun rises from the top of the mountain, and the sunlight is like clusters of light and long feathers without feeling, spreading lazily on the wet clouds. There are ten or nine drops of dew on the trees, jumping or hanging between the branches and leaves. In the rising sun, it fell from the branches by itself and dripped into Cong Fei's collar. Cong Fei looked up...the leaves don't fall off in winter.

The siblings went to Chongqing, and You Ling immediately acted as the continuation of the new minister's second son, and held a simple wedding banquet in Chengdu. That day was the day Zhou Baohuai was shot.

Cong Fei got angry when he saw two news published in the same newspaper, thinking that the people in the newspaper did it on purpose.

You Ling glanced at it, and wrote lightly: "They only write side-by-sides, why don't they have the guts to write an article to name and scold me? It's just a group of bad pens who want to show off their literati integrity and are hindered by the powerful."

The little maid sent a stack of letters just received, and Cong Fei received letters from Weiyu, Baohui and several Hong Kong colleagues.He searched over and over for a long time before he said vaguely: "Sister, can you show me the letter from Dad? I'll exchange Brother Baohui's with you."

Youling couldn't bear his appearance, so she handed Li Chengwu's letter to him, got up and said, "I don't care about Baohui, and you don't have to be so eager, there should be correspondence between father and son."

Cong Fei muttered: "I wrote to my father, but he didn't reply to me."

You Ling went upstairs and said as she walked, "You, don't write something that makes Dad unable to get back to you, he will naturally get back to you."

Cong Fei carefully unfolded the letter paper, Li Chengwu wrote in a long-winded manner, full of miscellaneous things, but Cong Fei read it intently.How old is Li Chengwu this year?Cong Fei thought to himself, he should be old, maybe he has a few gray hairs, but he didn't feel it when he was with him every day, but now that he is separated, he suddenly feels that even his handwriting has changed.

The center forward is more serious and handsome, and the stroke is not light enough, but the stroke is more steady and dignified. Only occasionally in a few words, you can still see a little graceful vanity, such as the "fly" in "flying back to Chongqing", It seemed that more than ten years had disappeared, and he saw the person from more than ten years ago again.It's very pitiful and ridiculous. He looked at this "fly" over and over again, and he almost didn't recognize it. He had never felt so happy in his life. In the midst of war and separation, he made a little placebo for himself, even though they were not together. , but he still has memories, and a Chinese character.This Chinese character is very light, it goes to the sky, and even the hatred of the country and the family cannot suppress it. It is the blood thicker than water and the secret inheritance between the two of them.

He went to the university that Li Chengwu attended, and his grades are as good as Li Chengwu. He tried his best to choose the tutor that Li Chengwu had chosen, just to hear "Itaughtyourfather20yearsago. You'reasgoodashim." son.

After reading a few pieces of paper for half an hour, Cong Fei put away the envelope, went to the balcony, leaned against the railing, and imitated Li Chengwu's usual movements. He put one arm on the railing, tapped his fingertips rhythmically, and With one hand, he took out the cigarette clips (it came from Xiaoling's purse), took one out, and bit it lightly between his teeth.Remembering that Li Chengwu doesn't smoke, so he didn't light the fire, but only inhaled and exhaled slowly.

For a moment, there seemed to be the sound of a violin coming out from his fingertips. First, it was the cheerful and light "Jasmine Flower", as if the petals were rolling around in the air, enveloping him with the wind, and the cold, sweet fragrance lingered at the tip of his nose. He wanted more , took a deep breath, suddenly the sound of the piano jumped up, supported him, and sent him straight to the palace in his dream. This is the opening chapter of the gorgeous "E Minor". The cloud-colored apricot-colored bed inlaid with gold, the milky-purple velvet curtain, the magnetic blue dome, the snow-green lace cloth on the imperial concubine's couch, the 24-grid floor-to-ceiling windows reflecting orange-red light, the twigs and rain shadows criss-crossing, densely packed with happiness His body trembled, the musk at the top, and the frankincense scattered from the clouds, and fell all over the bed, and finally in the dark, a trace of cold agarwood was formed, gradually rising, "The Butterfly Lovers" began, ten years The former Beiping moon hung on the hills of Hong Kong, the moonlight led him, and he walked through the corridor against the cold wall, and the moss-colored palm leaves fluttered on the green glass windows. The heat was something outside the house and had nothing to do with him. I only saw an arch carved with fretwork at the end, looked up, and saw three large official script characters—Guanyin Hall, "I don't believe in Bodhisattva!" "Then look who is inside, don't you want to be with him? "He stepped in angrily, but his emotional perception was empty for a while, dumb arhat, quiet arhat, sick arhat, raised eyebrows and angry eyes [-] Gods of heaven, Maitreya Bodhisattva, Vajra Bodhisattva, Pure Wisdom Bodhisattva, Mighty Virtue and Freedom Bodhisattva, Qilin, Lions and elephants, hanging sculptures painted in gold and painted are densely hung on the walls and roof. The golden Avalokitesvara sits in the middle, as if in a fairyland on earth, surrounded by clouds and smoke, there is a man kneeling down. Named that person, but his heart was immediately stuffed, swollen and throbbing, tears rolled down, "I dare not look at Guanyin from now on." When he got to the beach, he saw the moon in Hong Kong. It was round and bright. A beam of moonlight shot down, spreading an ivory-colored halo over the sea. Whispering behind his back, he turned around and was covered in the man's shadow. They were very close to each other, and the four suit collars seemed to be close together. The man slowly buried his head into his neck. Two butterflies really came out, fluttering their snow-colored furry wings, flying higher and higher, "Let's fly back to Peiping..." He murmured to himself, and with this breath, more than ten years have passed.

Tired of tapping his fingers, Cong Fei was still standing on the balcony. He took off the cigarette in his mouth, and there was a gray and blue tooth mark on the cigarette butt, which was light and small, as if it was a dream, but he did see it. The head clouds are scattered in Gaotang, and the moon shoots the cold river here.

After the Anti-Japanese War ended, Li Chengwu returned to Nanjing, and You Ling also went, but Cong Fei was not allowed to meet his father, and returned to Shanghai with Qingyu alone.

The car approached the courtyard gate of Fengqi Mansion, raising fallen leaves all over the road.

Qingyu got out of the car first, carried the small suitcase and opened the back door to enter the house. Cong Fei and the driver unloaded the luggage together, and pushed open the front door. The smell of closed dust was blowing across the face. A kingfisher suddenly flew down from the top, passed through the promenade, cast a shadow on the emerald screen at the end, swept up the ash of the blue feathers on the screen, and flew out through the back door.

Cong Fei remembered that many years ago, not long after he moved to Shanghai, Li Chengwu bought a magnificent Diancui screen from Tianjin, saying that it was originally a good thing in the palace.That day when Cong Fei came home from school, he saw You Ling and her friends standing in front of the screen watching in amazement. The golden light in the evening diffused over the glass decorations, and was sifted into strands by blue feathers, dazzling like the beard of a leopard. flickering.

"Hot water will only be available tomorrow, so I won't wash it today. I'll lay out an old sheet and sleep overnight." Qingyu brought a basin of water and stood in front of the screen to plaster.The gloomy fog entered the house from the inner garden, and Cong Fei felt as if he was looking at this mansion from a considerable distance. It was tender, nostalgic, fragile, and lingering, and he was unable to keep it. Lively, prosperous, laughter and hydrangeas The fragrant shadow... I don't know who has snatched it away, the heavy joy in his life of slight pain, the wind is strong outside, and it's going to rain.

After settling in, Cong Fei contacted his old classmate and Wei Yu who had returned to Shanghai (at this time Wei Yu was married to a French professor and started a literary translation job), and the people who were still in contact got together again, singing and dancing. Banquets are not as splendid as before. Sometimes Cong Fei and Wei Yu sit and drink coffee on Wukang Road, and talk about French history, architecture, furniture, food, literature, enlightenment, freedom... like a real sojourn Same in Paris.

Two years later, Youling got divorced, the civil war turned a turning point, and the situation in Nanjing was over. Li Chengwu also resigned from his post due to factional strife, and lived in Suzhou.At this time, You Ling came to him, and the father and daughter had already started discussing about going to the United States.

You Ling lowered her head, twisted her handkerchief, and said in a low voice: "This time I'm going to Hong Kong, I'd better take Cong Fei over and let's live together as a family. After so many years, he has grown up and is sensible."

Li Chengwu got up from the chair, his black gown brushed over the table legs, he just said: "Come and have a look."

He opened a bookcase door, and there was a smell of camphor. There were countless envelopes neatly stacked in bundles, piled into the dark bottom of the cabinet.

Li Chengwu casually handed a bunch of letters to You Ling, and said, "Take a look, I'm not afraid of your jokes."

This cabinet is full of Cong Fei's writing. Over the years, his father has never replied, and his son has been writing.

You Ling took out a letter and mistook the handwriting on the paper in a daze, it was too similar to Li Chengwu's.

She concluded that this was Cong Fei's deliberate imitation. His own characters don't look like this, so how could he imitate them exactly?She suddenly remembered that when Cong Fei was young, he liked writing and drawing the most, and he always pestered Li Chengwu to teach him stroke by stroke.

On the light blue special letter paper, there is a long and endless content:

The lingering heat is absorbed by the torrential rain, and a leaf of the sycamore tree is startled.Elder Wu was walking there when he suddenly saw a high mountain with its peak piercing the blue sky. It was really a star blocking the sun.Elder Wu was afraid, so he told his son, "Look at the mountain in front of you. It's very tall, but I don't know if there is a road to pass through." Don’t worry, come with me.” Hearing this, Elder Wu was still trembling, he rode his horse and circled among the rocks, looking at Gao Yun Qingfeng, hesitantly said: “Listen to the old man on the high rock, It is reported that there is a group of monsters on this mountain who only eat adulterers/prostitutes in Yanfu..." Xi Feng interrupted: "If there is love and desire, there is adultery. You regard love as a demon and desire as a monster. When you see all living beings, you should treat it as a All the demons feel unnatural in their hearts, and the mountain has become a fairy cave."

Seeing this, Youling laughed angrily and said, "What is he writing?"

Li Chengwu glanced at it, and smiled unnaturally: "Here, he adapted "Journey to the West" by himself. Look at the bottom one, which still distorts "The Analects of Confucius."

You Ling opened the bottom one. On the light yellow letter paper, there were dense and neat lowercase scripts, and each paragraph used a different font:

Confucius said, learning and practicing it from time to time, isn't that the same thing?If I recognize one thing, I have to work hard to read it every day. Isn't this a happy thing for me?

Master said, isn't it a pleasure to have friends come from afar?If this difficult task is recognized by one person, and he comes to me over many difficulties and pursues this matter with me, isn’t it a happy thing for me?

Confucius said, people don't know but don't feel stunned, aren't they also a gentleman?If the whole world doesn't understand me, and this person didn't come, he gave up on me like everyone else in the world, but I don't get angry, I don't give up on myself, and I still do what I yearn for, wouldn't that be Gentleman?

It was the first time you taught me how to write, and it was also the first time you gave me a gift. The telescope is now at my hand.

December 25th, Christmas, in Shanghai, the lights are on

Youling's nose suddenly turned sour, thinking about all these years, she couldn't help but shed tears.

"What's wrong with you? I didn't cry, why are you crying?" Li Chengwu handed over the handkerchief, and sighed, "For half my life, I have done evil things on the left and right. I owed the kindness of my teachers and friends, and missed the future of my children. , to this point, I think it’s all retribution.”

The weather outside is so clear, as if the stalemate war has stopped, the sun is streaming quietly on the glass window, there is a mustard yellow sycamore note in You Ling's hand, facing the sun from a distance.There is a line of words written on the note, the posture is restrained and upright, the elegance is full of hatred, and the safety is full of sadness. It is Cong Fei's handwriting: pick all the cold branches and refuse to live, the lonely sandbar is cold.

Youling wiped her tears and said, "He has dated many girls over the years, but he doesn't recognize them as his girlfriends, and he doesn't want to get married. The ladies he introduced don't continue to develop. In the end, there are only ten or twenty more pen pals. , I often want to persuade him to get married, and feel ashamed that my marriage is a mess, but Dad, I really pity him..."

She looked up and saw Li Chengwu sitting on the sofa with his legs crossed and his eyes closed. The sun reflected in his hair, as if the golden arrows of the gods were shining.

"Dad, whether it's Shanghai or Hong Kong, don't let him stay alone, take him to the United States."

"Ling'er," Li Chengwu sighed suddenly, "You see this house is so deserted, and the flowers can't even bloom well. I just remembered the past, in Beiping, Nanjing and Shanghai, when there were so many people at home." He looked towards the grid to the north. Window, there are the mountains of Beiping 30 years ago, the mausoleum of Emperor Sizong of Ming Dynasty, the majestic palaces and the souls of Manchu Qing who can't hold their breath. In 30 years, gold has fallen on the beach, the old heroes have died, and the new ones have died. The leaders of the Communist Party stood up again, the old naval battle ceased, and the new cannons sounded again. A long eight years passed, from south to north, from west to east, war after war, and a new flag was raised again... ...The window of an era is closed, and most of the people are dead, but the story is not over yet. Generation after generation, there are endless tragedies and epics.

After a while, Li Chengwu continued: "Tell Cong Fei to go back to Beiping and sell everything that needs to be sold. We will leave from Hong Kong next month."

In autumn, after 16 years, Cong Fei returned to Peiping again.In the crowd of people in the imperial city, sitting under the shed drinking a bowl of hot strong tea, he grew up and no longer disliked strong tea, but felt that time was rushing back again.The red and purple morning glory like colored glaze, the sour autumn dates rotten in the soil, a black crow flew up to the sky high in the boundless sky, screamed as if it had eaten too much opium, and soon flew to other places. Go up the big locust tree.

Because Tuisi Garden was going to be sold, it was ordered to be repaired. When I went in and took a look, it was not dilapidated.

Cong Fei walked into Li Chengwu's favorite garden, the yellow bamboos were rustling, the surface of the pond was microwaved, and the Taibai stone was covered with moss, yellow, yellow, green and green.The blue floating lotus is newly planted, but its eyebrows are drooping, as if after a bustling and absurd meeting, people go to the empty garden, and the green dots torn off when drunk are all floating on the water, dead to death, let up and down .

Cong Fei and Mr. Qin, who bought (almost was given away) from Wangfu Garden, went to Dashilan for dinner. As soon as they were full of wine and food, they went out. The golden crow fell to the west early, and the crimson wax was already burning. Swirling gently in the gentle night wind.

He bought a bag of sugar-fried hawthorn, and chatted with Boss Qin about the battle in the Dabie Mountains in June.On the way, I suddenly saw a woman in a green coat, with a melon-shaped face, long eyebrows, clear water eyes, small white teeth, and a straight and delicate nose. It was Xiao Shuang'er!

"Little Shuang'er!" Cong Fei went forward to meet him, the woman raised her eyebrows in surprise when she saw him, and tears rolled down her delicate eyes.

"Master..."

She became a merchant's concubine, she was fine, but she was sold to Dashilan as a prostitute when Beiping fell, the black military uniform on the dirty kang, the cold bayonet, the scent of chocolate on the sleeve... so many stories are stuffed with opium In the chimney, with a puff when it hurts, the heaviest decades in China have disappeared.

The author says:

Cong Fei wrote "Choose all the cold branches and refuse to live, the lonely sandbar is cold" means that the phoenix only lives on the phoenix tree.