Gu Nianruochu

"You're so crowded, get out, I'm going to sleep." Wei Siyuan yawned and pushed away the arm around his waist.

"Hold me for a while." Yin Xu remained motionless. It is really difficult for two big men who are about 1.8 meters to squeeze into a single bed with a width of only 1.2 meters, but if they are so close that they can even breathe , It's not that there is no space for two people, he pressed against Wei Siyuan's ear, scratching Wei Siyuan's ears with heat, "Siyuan, when are we going to change to a bigger bed?"

"Who said I'm going to share a bed with you? Go out and sleep on the sofa when the weather is warm and you don't need to turn on the heater." Wei Siyuan retorted crisply, but his tone was casual and not serious.

Yin Xu smiled, "Okay, then buy a big sofa and sleep on the sofa together. Speaking of which, I've been here for so long, why haven't I met your friends here? Are you going to introduce them to me? , let me know how the friends you met here are like, is there anyone who will teach my little friend bad." He added after two seconds, "That Shen Yan is not counted, he is already a bad person gone."

"Last time on New Year's Eve, I said you were the one who said you didn't want to invite them over, so why are you relying on me again? But they are not really friends in the strict sense, they just had a few meals, took classes together, and were in school. We have met each other at some events, and I ran into one of them in the corridor once, and I couldn’t even pronounce his name, it was quite embarrassing." Wei Siyuan was originally lying on his back, but now he turned to face Yin Xu He raised his eyes and met his listening gaze, and felt that the embarrassment brought about by telling the story seemed to be crushed, "I sometimes wonder if I am a very strange person. If I have no intention of meeting a stranger But I have to talk a lot with each other in social situations. When I see this person the next day, I want to stay away from him. It’s better not to say a word. You know that people here come first The first thing I say when we meet each other is 'Hi, I'mblahblah. Nice meeting you.' But if someone doesn't come to talk to me, I don't want to introduce myself to others, and I can't remember their names."

"You are not surprised. Everyone has a safe distance. Your distance is longer and others' distance is shorter. People are different. Do you remember when I first met you, you were also I was so scared that I couldn't speak, and it took a few days before I dared to call me, you are just timid, afraid that others will understand you, and even more afraid that others will reject you after they understand you, so you reject others first." Yin Xushui Seeing his small fan-like eyelashes, soft and light as if brushing against his heart, "Actually, it's not that you don't know how to get along with people, you're just shy and slow to get along with others. The way you get to know someone is to get along with you first." Keep your distance, then get closer day by day, and become friends when you get used to it. Your slow-moving style of communication is not designed to grow small groups."

"Yeah." Wei Siyuan nodded, and the depression in his heart began to melt away, "Even if I can be familiar with everyone I meet and say hello, but I have nothing but a hello with those people, It’s just that there are many vague shadows of people in the memory.”

"But you are also a person who can unite the entire orchestra on the conductor's seat, so your ability is obvious to all. A person who is not cheerful or talkative does not mean that he cannot become an outstanding person. Anyway, there are so many encounters in life , there is only one point of intersection."

Wei Siyuan breathed out the suffocation in his chest quietly, the original tiredness gradually disappeared, thinking that tomorrow is Saturday, there is no rehearsal and there is no need to get up early, so it doesn't matter if he goes to bed late.

Yin Xu was still pinching his arms to massage his sore spots, so he couldn't get up again as if he was in Yin Xu's arms, feeling that he was really worthless.

But he remembered that it was also like this in the past, when he and Yin Xu were still intimate, they would lie together and talk like this in the middle of the night without sleeping, and one time it was five o'clock in the morning while talking.

Leaving aside those unspeakable things about feelings, in fact, Yin Xu has always been very good to him, better than all the people in the world combined. Sometimes it is the same sentence, which may be heard from others. He disdainfully felt that it was irrelevant, and he didn't care because he didn't trust her, but if Yin Xu said it, it would always occupy a place in his heart, and it would always soothe his sensitive wounds.

"Siyuan, do you have any plans after graduation? Do you plan to return to China?"

In the middle of the night, he thought about it deeply, and the topic gradually became heavy. When it comes to returning to China, Wei Siyuan will inevitably think of his parents in China. They don't want him, and they will not give him anything in the future. It's not that I have to get anything from them, but if I go back and I'm homeless, why do I have to go back?

He changed his mind and felt that it was too ungrateful and cold-blooded for him to think about the person who raised him for 20 years like this, but how should he define being good to others? It is not good to others if you don’t give money, food and clothes, you Giving a lot of money to a person and then turning around to slander his personality and trample on his dignity, and let him live but feel uncomfortable, this will never be good for him.

Wei Siyuan was in a daze for a while before he came back to his senses and said to Yin Xu, "I don't know, I don't really want to go back, but I don't know where I should go. What about you? Do you want to go back to China?"

"I can't do anything but eat and drink with my parents when I go back, so if I want to live, I just need to stay in the same place as you."

"Why?" Wei Siyuan frowned, feeling very strange, "You are well-known in China, can't you take on the show like before?"

"I can't, unless I hold a concert by myself." Yin Xu was silent for a while, "Because I came out in China, but any well-known band would not invite me to perform together, because my public image... Or public influence, it’s not very good. Do you still remember my little boy, his mother and my mother were classmates in elementary school. After his mother heard that I openly said that I like men, she told him not to associate with me, so as not to be caught by me With a biased orientation, I asked my mother to persuade me, saying that I must have talked too little with my girlfriend so I couldn't think about it for a while. Siyuan, don't look at me with such eyes, okay, I don't think it's a pity, like that I don't want to know the big idiot, lest IQ be lowered."

Yin Xu smoothed Wei Siyuan's eyebrows, and kissed loudly, "The world we live in is actually not as tolerant as we imagined. Many men talk about women, heterosexuals talk about homosexuality, and white people talk about colored people." kind, with a condescending attitude full of superiority, patronize, you've heard the word. They are never ashamed of their prejudices, and they just keep silent when they see those groups being disenfranchised. I used to I’ve heard some relatives who are more open-minded say that they can accept other people’s children being gay, but not their own children. What kind of double standard is this?”

Wei Siyuan held back his breath subconsciously, and looked at Yin Xu with a complicated expression. He knew that most of those people who kept silent were like this, just because they didn't say those humiliating and obviously discriminatory words. I feel like I'm superior.

"Is it because they have no courage? No, in fact, they reject homosexuals in essence, but because the matter has nothing to do with them, they make a gesture of tolerance and understanding. Of course, it does not mean that all homosexuals are good people. What kind of Every person is good or bad, if we use quality to distinguish people, then the judgment standard should be applicable to everyone, and has no direct relationship with a person's orientation."

"It's too sinister." Wei Siyuan said in a low voice.

"Yeah, there are still many dangers, but at least the world I gave you is absolutely safe." Yin Xu touched his face, "I admit to others that I like you, not that I want to contribute to the human rights movement , I just don’t want to hide my feelings for you anymore, this is the most basic responsibility of liking someone.”

Wei Siyuan was silent for a moment, feeling a little sour in his heart. What Yin Xu said was something he was very familiar with, and he also understood the harm it could cause, "Actually, you don't have to do this, and we may not really be together. .”

"Who else do you want to be with if you're not with me?" Yin Xu's face became sullen when he heard this, and his voice sank.

Wei Siyuan rolled his eyes guiltily, and deliberately said stiffly, "It's not like no one else likes me outside."

Yin Xu asked him, "Then what should I do?"

"Actually, you are not completely gay. To be precise, you are only bisexual. In fact, this position is even more embarrassing, and neither side is welcome." Wei Siyuan said, really thinking about it seriously, "You can marry and have children. Best, we can still meet when we are free, or let your children recognize me as a godfather, I will definitely love them too."

"Damn, "Brokeback Mountain"? See you once a year, cheating on your wife." Yin Xu was so annoyed that he exploded, and his face was irritated, "Why do you insist on pushing me to others? Is it all nonsense just now? Why didn’t you say that we will be in-laws after you give birth to a child, so that our relationship will be closer. Would you like to secretly hold my hand under the dinner table of the child’s wedding ceremony? ?”

Wei Siyuan's face turned red, and he retorted anxiously, "I won't have children with women."

"Then why do you think I will?"

Wei Siyuan was silent for a while, then muttered, "You will be a good father."

Yin Xu retorted without thinking, "But you're not a good baby, Dad is angry."

"..." Wei Siyuan kicked him down in anger, Yin Xu fell from the bed to the ground with a low sound, crawled back shamelessly, and stretched out his arms to embrace Wei Siyuan again.

Wei Siyuan took a deep breath and explained seriously, "I don't have a mother, and my father treats me badly. I don't know how to teach children, and I don't like women. A child to cheat a woman's feelings, like my dad used to..."

"Your father is sick and wants a child, but he doesn't treat his child well. He can't admit it." Yin Xu scolded very directly, and then subconsciously looked at Wei Siyuan's expression after speaking, feeling that Is it impolite to scold his father in front of a person, but Wei Siyuan didn't respond at all, one can imagine how bad that man has been treating him all the time.

Wei Siyuan continued, "But you are different, your parents are so good, you know how to raise a child..."

Yin Xu didn't want to hear it, so he went over and blocked Wei Siyuan's mouth. He had never felt that Wei Siyuan was so annoying. He couldn't breathe, so he pushed him into his arms, hugged him tightly, and breathed. He said shortly and intermittently, "You don't want...to lie to others, and I...don't want to lie to others. I only like you and don't like others. How can I have children with others... If you think I have children, you can give me one. , Do you have that function? If the body and soul can be separated, and sex/love is only for reproduction, then what is the difference between humans and animals? After all, you just don’t believe that I only like you.”

Wei Siyuan trembled, and Yin Xu felt it, but neither of them said a word, and finally got to the root of the problem, but both of them avoided it at the same time and didn't go any further, filling the blank space with silence.

In the end, the silence fermented a deep drowsiness. Yin Xu hugged Wei Siyuan, stroked his back with his palm, and could smell the faint fragrance of his hair when he lowered his head, and fell into a sleepy sleep.