silent age

Xu Mu was the first person who was willing to contact Bai Sihuan after he entered university, and had so many conversations with him.

It was the first time he came to the hospital, but due to time constraints, Bai Sihuan was not able to make a diagnosis.When I came here for the second time, Xu Mu appeared again.

Bai Sihuan said, "What a coincidence."

Xu Mu smiled and said, "Unfortunately, I'm hospitalized here, and I come here every day to hang around, to see if I can meet a normal person like you, and I can chat with you."

No wonder Xu Mu seemed to have disappeared from school since the incident in the Wenke Building, and he never saw him in person or heard from him again.It turned out to be hospitalized here.

It sounds strange that someone as unrestrained as him is willing to be hospitalized here.

While waiting for the hospital to start working, Bai Sihuan could only chat with Xu Mu.

This time Xu Mu didn't teach Bai Sihuan to smoke, but taught him how to play poker, and even tried to teach him how to play tricks without anyone noticing.

When chatting, Xu Mu liked to talk about his cousin. He often said that his cousin was the scariest person in the world.

Bai Sihuan thought to himself, for a family like the Jiang's, if you offend any of them, they will never have a good life.

Xu Mu also said that his cousin was good, and once said to him: "Actually, my cousin used to be the person who understood me best. You know Boya and Ziqi, right? My relationship with him used to be like Boya and Ziqi. It’s the same, I couldn’t be more confidant. Before he left the country, we made an agreement that we would go to the Guqin Terrace to play together. That’s where Boya and Ziqi met by chance. It’s just that after he returned to China, he was like... It’s like he’s changed Just like one person, until now, we have never had the chance to go to the Guqin Terrace together. Hey, my long-cherished wish..."

The last time he went to the hospital, Bai Sihuan finished the test and talked with the doctor. The doctor wrote down severe depression in scrawled characters on the medical record.After the diagnosis, he was given a month's worth of medicine.

For this month's worth of medicine money, Bai Sihuan's part-time salary for several days was gone.

When Bai Sihuan came out of the doctor's office, Xu Mu was still slumped on the public seat.

"I feel like I'll never see you again." Xu Mu looked at Bai Sihuan and smiled.

Bai Sihuan felt the same way, he thought he would never come to this place again, nor would he be able to afford it.

Xu Mu patted the seat beside him, wanting Bai Sihuan to sit with him for a while longer.

Bai Sihuan felt that it was pitiful for him to live alone in this kind of place, and he might never see anyone to talk to in the future, so he sat beside him and wanted to talk to him again.

Xu Mu leaned his head on the back of the chair, the light and shadow of the incandescent lamp reflected in his eyes, "You know, every time I come here, I pass the Yangtze River Bridge, that bridge is very beautiful. I still remember when I was young, my cousin took me Going out to play means taking me to the Yangtze River. We took a boat and swam under the Yangtze River. I still remember that there were many women on the bridge who were dressed like Miss Republic of China and took pictures at the bridgehead. They were all so beautiful..." He looked at ceiling, read another sentence, "It's really beautiful."

This was the last sentence Xu Mu and Bai Sihuan said, but Bai Sihuan didn't know it at this moment.

The senior counselor died in a car accident because he ran a red light while crossing the road before he could report Bai Sihuan's condition to the secretary.

In addition to hastily arranging new counselors to come in that month, the school also held three conferences in a row to educate students on traffic safety issues.Their counselors are also included in the school's annals as a counterexample to freshmen's safety education each year.

During that time, Bai Sihuan's mood was particularly complicated. Although their counselor was not very good, it was hard not to feel sorry for his death at such a young age.Amidst this regret, he felt a sense of guilt-ridden rejoicing that he no longer had to be forced to go to a psychiatric hospital for a follow-up visit to prescribe medicine and take medicine for a follow-up visit.He also had a hint of envy that the counselor was able to leave this suffocating world.

When the school announced that it was possible to change majors, Bai Sihuan immediately submitted an application and transferred from the Department of Civil Engineering to the Department of Architecture.

The dormitories and teaching areas of the two departments are quite far away. He felt that after changing to a new classmate and roommate, he no longer had to worry that people around him would know about his situation.

The new classmates and roommates are easier to get along with than the old ones. His three roommates are always optimistic, and they can be happy every day in the dormitory.

Bai Sihuan discovered that the college life he had imagined was not absent, it just came too late.

On the day he first moved into the new dormitory, he accidentally dropped the medical record book, and the words "Jiangcheng Mental Health Center" hung on the cover.

Roommate Wen Moqiao accidentally saw it, immediately covered his things, packed them together and put them in the cabinet, and said cheerfully: "If you need help, just tell me!"

Another roommate, Mu Ran, came up to help him put the quilt on the bed, and the third roommate, Ye Xing, dragged him to see his Siamese cat.

The moment he was pulled towards the sunny balcony, Bai Sihuan actually felt a tinge of warmth.

The moldy and rotten life seems to have a few rays of sunshine, but these few rays of sunshine will never belong to him.The pain of the wound may be temporary, but it will never get better.At night, when Bai Sihuan was lying on the bed, he could always think of the past intermittently, thinking of his unbearable appearance, and a breathless sense of oppression weighed heavily on him.

After moving into the new dormitory, Bai Sihuan suffered from insomnia for three consecutive weeks.He felt that his insomnia might be caused by bed recognition. In the original dormitory, he was used to sleeping on bed No. 1, and he couldn't get used to sleeping on bed No. 2 here, but the insomnia caused by bed recognition was too painful.

It was so painful, from the beginning to the end, from the inside to the outside, there was no pain anywhere in his body, as if countless curved blades were cutting across his body.His internal organs were crushed, and the blood flowed continuously, which would never stop.

He didn't even understand whether this pain was given by insomnia, by Lin Heng, or by all his past, which he called memories.

Bai Sihuan took out the medicine hidden under the pillow, threw two pills into his mouth, and chewed them vigorously.These two medicines gave him a short sleep. He only hoped that he would not dream of the back of Lin Heng turning and going upstairs again tonight.

There is a very handsome girl named Xu Yan in the class next door. Unlike ordinary women's colleges, Xu Yan doesn't like to dress herself up with heavy makeup, and always gives people a refreshing and beautiful feeling.

Xu Yan is the president of the psychological agency, and he goes to the psychological counseling room three times a week.

In the past, Bai Sihuan would often meet her when he went to the counseling room, and she would smile and offer Bai Sihuan a glass of water every time. Over time, their faces became familiar.

Bai Sihuan's new class often took public classes with Xu Yan's class. The two classes sat next to each other, and the occasional meeting made Bai Sihuan feel awkward.

When I met Xu Yan for the first time after changing shifts, Xu Yan looked directly into his eyes, with a crooked smile on the corner of his mouth, and said in a gentle voice: "I remember your eyes, these eyes are the ones I have seen before. The most tender eyes."

Bai Sihuan was stunned for a moment, and his face couldn't help turning crimson.

Later, Xu Yan began to attack him softly but with a strong intensity.

The first time Xu Yan confessed his love to him was in the North District, at night, when Bai Sihuan after jogging came across Xu Yan coming out of the library.

The time was about 10:30 at night, because the dormitory where Xu Yan lived was relatively remote, and Bai Sihuan kindly sent her back to the dormitory for her safety.

On the way to send her back, Xu Yan seized the opportunity to hold his hand.

Bai Sihuan was so frightened that he immediately retracted his hand, his expression as if he touched some forbidden object.

Xu Yan was also taken aback for a moment, but seeing that there was no disgust in his eyes, he took another step forward and asked, "You...do you think I'm not good?"

"No." Bai Sihuan replied decisively, putting his hands behind his back, afraid of Xu Yan's second touch.

He didn't have the same feelings for Xu Yan as he did for Lin Heng, and he also thought that he shouldn't harm girls like this.

Bai Sihuan declined Xu Yan's second and third confession with various excuses, and even began to avoid her.

Two months later, the new subway station near the school was built, Xu Yan and Bai Sihuan were arranged to be volunteers, and they had to get along together again.

When it was time to call it a day, Bai Sihuan wanted to go back quickly.Xu Yan stopped him and asked, "What time is it?"

Bai Sihuan glanced at his watch and said, "Six o'clock."

At this moment, a new subway train came into the station, and the glass door opened. Xu Yan pulled Bai Sihuan onto the subway quickly: "There is still time, go to Donghu Lake to see the lantern show!"

When Bai Sihuan came back to his senses, the subway doors were already closed.

It was almost eight o'clock when we arrived at the East Lake, and the two went to watch the lantern show without eating.

Bai Sihuan suddenly remembered that in Shanghai many years ago, Lin Heng took him to watch the fireworks by the river.Different water, different wind, different people.

Even the mood is different.

Xu Yan said it was a romantic date, but Bai Sihuan felt that the date was a bit passive and sudden.

Coming to a place with fewer tourists, Xu Yan began her confession again: "Let me be by your side. If you reject me this time, I will insist on it next time. It has been so many times...you Aren't you a little moved?"

At this time, a flower boat swam across the lake, and the lights changed from yellow to purple and from purple to dark.

Xu Yan stared into Bai Sihuan's eyes and smiled.Bai Sihuan's heart suddenly trembled, and at this moment, he actually felt that those eyes were somewhat similar to Lin Heng's when he smiled.

In a daze for a while, he seemed to see that young man in white who smiled at him many years ago under the light of cold fireworks by the Huangpu River in Shanghai.

Seeing that Bai Sihuan didn't answer, Xu Yan continued, "If you don't speak, I will take it as your agreement."

Bai Sihuan forced himself to wake up, separated Xu Yan's smiling eyes under the dim light from Lin Heng's shadow: "I..."

He was about to refuse again, when Xu Yan kissed him suddenly, and then looked at him with a smile: "This is my first kiss, you have to take responsibility!"

"..." Bai Sihuan no longer knew how to refuse.

Inexplicably, he acquiesced in this "communication" relationship.

He suddenly felt that maybe this girl was his salvation, maybe he could completely forget the past and start over.

No matter what, since he accepted Xu Yan, he must treat her well and give all the good things he can get to this girl who is willing to accompany him.In the future, no matter whether it is love, liking, or memories, they will all be separated from that person and dedicated to her.

After Bai Sihuan acquiesced in this relationship, in less than a week, Xu Yan let everyone in the whole year know that she had a boyfriend, who was not only a top student but also very good-looking.

When Bai Sihuan's roommates found out, three of them took him around, one said "Okay brother", one said "I can't see that he has a hand", and the other said "Let's take a few tricks", everyone seemed to be very worried about him. happy.

Bai Sihuan followed with a smile on his face, but there was an indescribable feeling in his heart.For some reason, he felt that he had been doing wrong things, and this matter seemed to be wrong.

But now he can hardly tell right from wrong. Sometimes, he feels that even drinking a glass of water is wrong.

A few weeks before the holiday, a senior from the Department of Civil Engineering came to Bai Sihuan's dormitory.

As soon as Wen Moqiao opened the door, the senior walked into the dormitory directly, frowned and asked, "Which one is Bai Sihuan?"

Bai Sihuan stood up in a daze and said, "I am, what's the matter?"

"Come out with me." After finishing speaking, the senior turned around and went out.

The senior looked menacing, as if someone had robbed his girlfriend.The three roommates thought about it, no good, maybe it was because of Xu Yan.They watched Bai Sihuan go out, half closed the door, and all three of them hid behind the door and peeked at the two of them, thinking that if a fight broke out later, they would rush out and push the senior to the ground, which would be a violent beating.

After calling Bai Sihuan to the balcony, the senior told him calmly: "Xu Mu committed suicide."

The news came unexpectedly, Bai Sihuan was shocked suddenly, his eyes widened, he didn't react.

"A few days ago, the hospital said that he was cured. He went through the discharge procedures and went to Guqin Terrace to play alone. After coming out of Guqin Terrace, he went directly to the Yangtze River Bridge, jumped off the bridge, and committed suicide." The senior's tone was not mixed. Mixing any emotions, it was like talking about something that couldn't be more ordinary.He took out a pen and handed it to Bai Sihuan, "He wrote a suicide note and specially handed over this recorder to you, saying that if there is a chance, he must give this recorder to his cousin."

After being dazed for quite a while, Bai Sihuan stretched out his hand stiffly to pick up the recording pen.Put the recording pen in your hand, accidentally touch the playback switch, and a familiar voice will flow out of the pen.Xu Mu's voice was cold, and he read like a machine: "From the Guqintai to the Yangtze River Bridge, take the 61th Road, the whole journey is about [-] kilometers..." It sounds like he searched for this journey on the Internet deliberately, "One , walk about [-] kilometers from Guqin Terrace, and arrive at Causeway Bay Square Station on Parrot Avenue. Second, take Siyisan Road, pass one stop, and arrive at Hanyang Qiaotou Station of Yangtze River Bridge. Brackets, you can also take Sieruiyi Road, [-] Road, Brackets. Three, walk about [-] kilometers to reach the Yangtze River Bridge."

Arrive at the Yangtze River Bridge.

The hissing wind in the recording pen rang for a long time.After a long time, there was a sound of falling into the water, and the crowd screamed.

At this moment, the voice of the senior seemed to Bai Sihuan after a time and space: "You should know who his cousin is?"

Bai Sihuan stared at the recorder in his hand, and after a beep, he replied, "Yes. Jiang Yijue, the eldest son of Jiang's parents."